


Hypnotized

by liziscribbles



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Angst and Fluff, Blackmail, Characters Aged Up 9 Years, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Alternating, Self-Worth Issues, Slow Burn, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2019-10-19 22:55:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 28
Words: 99,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17610608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liziscribbles/pseuds/liziscribbles
Summary: Surround me, body and soul; pull me into your glow, make me blush.Unbound me, spin me in gold, as the story unfolds in your touch...Ren Amamiya's life is hardly perfect.  Sure, he has friends, a found family, a decent day job... but he hides a secret night job and some rough personal demons from almost all of those friends and family.  Even so, he's settled into a pretty comfortable routine.A routine which is thrown completely on its head when he's hired by a nasty old man in a yukata, and he meets a certain blue-haired artist.





	1. Use Me Up

**Author's Note:**

> *****ALL POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS ARE IN THE TAGS*****  
>  As you can tell, this fic has some pretty adult themes! Please read the tags and make sure you can handle everything displayed there before you continue reading!
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> ♥♥♥

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _even if the holes should crack,_  
>  _and even if the blood flows red,_  
>  _nothing could be worse than numb..._  
> [use me up](https://open.spotify.com/track/6EoO48SmElJcaff6a57r6S?si=QabINV_HSOeQ9vYbDLgBQg) ;; hanson  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gg1CHtVr6p0) ]

It was cold. The last hints of the late winter snow were melting on top of Shinjuku's buildings. Yesterday was one of the snowiest days on record, resulting in most of the entire city shutting down. The highways were empty. The trains shut down. The city looked almost dystopian from all the sweeping shots on the nightly news. The very next day, it was almost like it had never happened. Cleaning crews had cleaned the roads and everyone was right back to work the next day. Now, the only evidence of such a crazy storm were the lingering bits as they melted from rooftops and dripped from awnings.

Ren Amamiya stood under one such awning, breaking from his night job to have a quick meal of yakitori and melon soda with his friend, the local fortune teller, Chihaya Mifune.

Ren and Chihaya had been friends for quite a while. Their meeting was sort of unusual, with Chihaya scamming Ren out of some hard-earned money by convincing him to buy some stupid charm, which only broke when he took it home. Fortunately, when he confronted her about it, she'd been upfront and apologetic. She hadn't offered him his money back or anything, but what Ren had expected to be an unpleasant argument had turned into an actual friendly conversation. It turned out, Chihaya was a lot like him. Neither of them was really where they wanted to be, but they both knew it could've been a whole hell of a lot worse, so they'd formed something of a strange camaraderie based around that fact.

A camaraderie which occasionally felt strained when Chihaya went around and did things like reading Ren's fortune behind his back. As they stood, eating their yakitori and talking about whatever came to mind, Chihaya put a little crack in their pleasant rapport by warning Ren.

"No, I'm serious, Ren. It was real creepy!" Chihaya warned him, pushing some of her strawberry blond hair behind her ear. "Most of the time when I read your fortune, it's nothin' to worry about. Stuff I already know. This time, I was pretty freaked."

Sighing and rolling his eyes, Ren shrugged his shoulders and took a drink. "You're always freaked, Chihaya."

Frustration took the place of Chihaya's usual friendliness when Ren dismissed her warning. "I'm not," she countered. "It was the tower, Ren. Upright. That means danger!"

Ren finished the last of his food and leaned back against the wall. "If this is another scam to try and get me to buy another charm—"

"It _ain't_!" Chihaya snapped.

It definitely got Ren's attention, both because she snapped and she didn't _usually_ snap like that, and because she slipped into her heavy accent, which was something she didn't like to do in public very often. "I'm serious, Ren! I don't care about the dumb charms. I got the upright tower, the upright lovers, and the two of cups."

To be honest, Ren didn't really know what the rest of it meant, and the only reason he really knew what the upright tower meant was because she'd been screaming it in his face all night. He'd been friends with Chihaya for four years, and every single time she went into this rigmarole about tarot cards and what they meant, he usually tuned it out. Mostly because it had to do with her clients, and Ren was reasonably sure none of what Chihaya's clients did was any of his business. Ren sighed and turned to look at her, a little bit surprised by the concern on her face. It was in her voice, so he wasn't _totally_ surprised, but it was still a little bit alarming, how forceful she was being.

"Alright, I'll bite. What does the upright lovers mean?" Ren asked, trying to keep the exasperation out of his tone.

Sighing, Chihaya looked at Ren like she was fully aware exactly how he'd take her reply. Then, she muttered, "Romance. So does the two of cups. Unified love, reciprocated, passionate, all that stuff."

That took Ren off guard, and he arched his eyebrow at her. "Romance and danger. That's... a really weird combination, Chihaya," he mused dismissively. He'd seen her give similar schpiels to her customers all the time to try and get them to buy charms. In fact, it was a pretty similar schpiel to what she'd given him when she first _convinced_ him to buy the charm.

"I know that look, and I know what it means, Ren. But I ain't kiddin', okay? I don't care if you buy a charm or not. I don't even _want_ you to buy a damn charm!" Her voice was increasingly impassioned; desperate to get Ren to listen to her.

It was her concern, more than anything, which convinced Ren to listen to her. "Alright, Chihaya. I can see that you're real concerned," he reassured her. "But I don't see myself getting into any trouble. I'm always really careful at work, and if I find myself in a situation where I think I'm in trouble, you know I get out of there. So, I don't think I'm in any danger," he reassured her.

Chihaya frowned. "But—"

"And as for the other one," Ren chuckled softly, "I don't think we have to worry about that happening either. I've never been in love before, and I don't think I'm gonna start anytime soon."

A frown turned Chihaya's lips down, and she glanced down at the slushy, salty ground beneath her feet. She turned and looked forlornly back at Ren. "Listen, I know I've been up your tree about safety and stuff for years," she murmured. "I just... worry about ya. Your job ain't really known for its safety, Ren. So, when I saw that fortune—"

"I know how to take care of myself, Chihaya," Ren tried to reassure her. He'd been taking care of himself since he was sixteen years old. He had never needed anyone to worry about him before, and he wasn't going to start needing it now.

Sighing, Chihaya looked up at him, probably feeling a little bit spurned by how Ren had shut her concern down. She always felt spurned. Still, Ren hated how lately, their conversations always seemed to turn back to her being concerned about him for one reason or another. It wasn't like Ren was stupid. He had rules in place to keep himself safe. He had discrete connections, a friend who was a doctor and would always tell him if there was a change in his health. He wasn't stupid and he was always careful, so her worry would've been better used on herself. Her job wasn't exactly great, either. Ren was always scaring off customers who were angry about her charms.

It looked like she was still upset, so Ren placed a hand on her shoulder. "Really, Chihaya. I can take care of myself. You know that."

She nodded. "Yeah, I know. Just 'cause you can take care of yourself doesn't mean no one can surprise you, though," she insisted, her concerned eyes cutting into Ren like a dagger.

Ren decided to try and lighten the mood a little, grinning and poking her in the shoulder. "I've never known someone so scared of romance before, Chihaya," he teased.

"What? No, that ain't what I—" When Ren grinned at her, she huffed in annoyance. "Fine. Be that way."

With a soft sigh, Ren shook his head. "Listen, Chihaya. You've talked about being worried about me for all four years we've been friends, and nothing's ever come of it. I'm fine, alright? I'm healthy, I'm safe, I'm happy." Maybe a bit of an overstatement, but he really didn't want to bring that up and give Chihaya more fuel for her worry. Besides, he was pretty sure she already had some sort of inkling. It was probably why she always encouraged him to stay home more often.

The frown was still heavily etched onto Chihaya's face, but she shrugged and nodded. "Just... keep what I said in mind, alright? Please? I know you think you're fine, but... those guys who pick you up, they're not—some of 'em aren't, I mean..."

Ren cut her off by pulling her into a hug. "I know. Believe me, alright? I know."

Men like that were an occupational hazard, though. Ren knew they weren't nice guys, and they didn't treat him well, but they were paying him so he let them do what they wanted and took the money. So long as they never broke his rules, he really had no reason to say no. If the only thing that really came from it was having to comfort a worried Chihaya once in a while, Ren could probably be doing a whole hell of a lot worse. He released his friend from their hug and looked at her with a confident smile. As frustrating as it was, it was nice of her to worry about him like she did. It meant she cared.

"I really am fine, though, Chihaya. You know I'm fine."

Slowly, Chihaya's tension melted away. Her posture slumped in defeat, but she nodded all the same. "I know. You're made of tougher stuff than me, Ren. I dunno if I could handle the job you do," she muttered.

All Ren could do was laugh. It wasn't something he'd wish on someone like Chihaya. She was tough, sure. She handled angry customers who felt jilted by her shady charms. Her angry customers and Ren's angry customers were a night and day comparison, though. He'd take a dozen of her angry clients before one of his own.

After assuring Chihaya that he was fine, that he'd _continue_ to be fine, the pair of them split and went back to their respective jobs. Chihaya's booth was out in the open. She had nothing to hide. Fortune telling was legal, unlike Ren's job. Even after she slid into her chair, she turned toward Ren and saw him off, almost like a concerned older sister, and it made Ren laugh to himself. When he was a kid, he'd always wanted an older sister. Sure, Futaba was like his little sister, but most of the time it was Ren who ended up looking out for her. As much as he complained about it, he really appreciated Chihaya having his back.

Waving a final goodbye to her, Ren rounded a corner into a Shinjuku back alley. Most of the people here were usuals. Some of them were friendly to Ren; sometimes they shared referrals to customers who fit their preferred clientele more. A couple of men nearby preferred only being hired by women. Some women only preferred being hired by women, too. His friendlier colleagues spared him waves and nods, which Ren quickly reciprocated. Much more common than friendly faces, though, were the faces of fierce competitors. There were several people on this street who would start fights over clients, some who had done hard time because of those fights and taken other whores down with them.

Ren was always careful to avoid those people.

The street Ren worked on most commonly was a block away, anyway. Ren turned the corner, watching as one of his work acquaintances got into a car which looked like it was going to fall apart at any second. The man behind the wheel was the type who Ren would typically turn away. He glowered at the woman like she was nothing but a piece of meat, and Ren found himself worrying.

He laughed to himself. Who was he, Chihaya?

Shaking his concern off, Ren turned onto his street. It wasn't exactly the cleanest street in Shinjuku, but he'd worked his way here from the dirtiest of the dirty. Back when he'd started, it wasn't uncommon for him to see drug deals and gang fights breaking out at least once a night. He was sure it still happened back where he started out, but he hadn't been back there for almost two years, and he was glad to have moved up a little. Sure, he still saw some questionable stuff here. He still saw drug deals and gang fights, but it was a lot less frequent than it was back then.

Ren's usual spot was in front of an old, rundown municipal building. He tugged his jacket up and over his shoulders, leaning back against a pillar and making sure anyone driving down the street could see him. It was cold, and Ren hadn't exactly prepared properly. His coat was sort of thin, but it was too late to go home now. He was _halfway through_ with paying off those damned school loans. He had 300,000 yen left on them. Maybe, when he was done with that, he could stop this for good. Snorting a laugh, he shook his head. There was really no need to be unrealistic about it. He'd probably be here until he died, or got caught. Whichever happened first.

 _Maybe even both,_ he thought with a bitter laugh.

Again, he forced himself out of his own mind and put on his best cocky grin, mussing his hair the way clients always seemed to like, and tying his shirt in the back so anyone driving by got just a glimpse of his four black hip studs.

Just as he'd expected, it wasn't long before a black limo pulled up in front of him. The cocky grin became a little more genuine then. Limousines always meant rich people, after all. Rich people were always way more likely to pay more for discretion, which meant Ren could look forward to knocking out a decent chunk of his loan debt just tonight. The window rolled down, revealing a wrinkled old man with a ponytail behind a horrible receding hairline and malicious looking eyes.

The man's age alone had Ren fighting a cringe, but he managed to internalize it. Old men paid even better than rich men, but that didn't change the fact that going down on an old man was never not gross. It almost wasn't worth the extra pay, but mixing rich guy pay with old man pay made up for it. Shaking the thought off, Ren stepped toward the limo and felt a slight swell of pride at how everyone else on the street glared at him.

"What do you charge?" the man asked. There was something familiar about this old man's face, but Ren couldn't put his finger on it... nor did he really care at the moment.

Raising his chin and dropping his voice to its usual low rumble, Ren answered, "30,000 yen an hour. No bareback, no kissing."

The man had the driver unlock the limo, and Ren put his hand on the handle. Before he opened it, the old man reached over and pressed the lock right over his hand. "Hold on a moment," he snapped. "I will pay you triple that rate, not to ask questions and to come along and do as you're told."

Ren's eyes widened. 90,000 yen an hour? He stared incredulously at the man for a moment, before going silent to consider his offer. Most of the time, if something sounded too good to be true, it usually was, right? Ren's mind flashed back to Chihaya's warning earlier. Danger. For the briefest instant, it had him considering saying no, but the thought of all that money—90,000 yen an hour was a _lot_ of money, and a large dent in those student loans, too! Maybe even a down payment on his own apartment so he could get out of Leblanc's attic—was a stronger voice than Chihaya's. Even if he only put _half_ of that down on his loans, he could rely on Sojiro's kindness less, and live comfortably for a little while...

"Yes or no?" the man asked impatiently. "I see someone twice as attractive who will likely take half the cash, just down the way."

As much as Ren hated being rushed, he reminded himself that it was for 90,000 yen an hour, and put his smirk back in place. "No questions," he promised.

The man unlocked the door, and once Ren slid into the car, he sneered. "Don't touch anything," he demanded. "And you aren't to speak to me unless spoken to."

Ren decided he didn't really _want_ to speak to this guy, anyway. The smirk wilted a little, but he shook off any unpleasantness quickly and forced it back into place. He reminded himself that, whatever this old man wanted with him, it would be worth it in the end. Almost 100,000 yen an hour was better than some of the whores who worked in upscale parts of Tokyo. A part of Ren wondered exactly why this old guy hadn't gone there, but he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. He turned to glance at the man, who held some kind of lavish pate on a cracker in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other, and wondered exactly what he was trying to do.

"Keep your filthy eyes off me. You're not for me."

That took Ren by surprise. Not for him? A part of Ren was a little curious as to why he wasn't already being manhandled, but whatever answer he expected, being told he wasn't 'for' the old man wasn't one of them. Quietly, he turned to look out the window, and he found himself wondering who he was 'for,' if not this old man. Was there someone waiting somewhere else? Maybe, _hopefully_ , someone more visually appealing? Someone younger? Neither of those things was a _real_ deterrent, but since this whole job was already like something out of a dream, Ren allowed himself to hope a _little bit more_.

Maybe it was greedy of him, but for once, he didn't care. He caught a glimpse of Chihaya as they passed her stall. She was doing a reading, so she didn't notice Ren, but Ren figured that was probably for the best. If she saw him in a limousine with a strange man, being driven onto the highway from Shinjuku, she would just worry more.

Admittedly, as they drove on the crowded highway, Ren found himself curious to _exactly_ where this old man was taking him. He cast a glance toward the man, before remembering the demand to keep his eyes to himself.

With his eyes facing out the window, he told the old man, "This counts against the hour."

"Ah yes, a greedy whore. I suppose I should've expected as much," the man seethed. "Don't worry. I took down the exact moment I picked you up, so you won't be shortchanged by even a penny. Now stop talking. I believe I recall telling you not to speak unless you're spoken to."

Nodding once, Ren crossed his arms and watched the Tokyo streets pass him by through the limousine's window. Maybe it should have concerned him, not knowing where he was going, and on some level it did. The rest of him, though, couldn't help but be curious. It couldn't have been far, he was sure. Old rich men may have been more willing to throw their money around, but even that had its limits. With wide-eyed wonder, Ren pointedly ignored the old man's presence and watched the brightly lit city pass him by, hoping this particular client would take him somewhere interesting, to someone interesting.

Ren had absolutely no idea how _right_ his hope was...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL, this fic definitely would not have happened if not for my friends on the Shukita Discord Server! Milk and MJ totally helped me plot about 75% of it in an hour or so, and I stuck _pretty_ close to all the stuff we plotted, so thanks to them, especially!
> 
> I also have to thank Nada for betaing for me, and for the little plot idea bounces you've given me over the past few days! They've helped a lot!


	2. Fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _heaven bend to take my hand,_  
>  _and lead me through the fire._  
>  _be the long-awaited answer_  
>  _to a long and painful night._  
> [fallen](https://open.spotify.com/track/1rOXSzrv5au07KaEltvszu?si=c253-RgrSketE66ZehTBKA) ;; sarah mchalclan  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqps9ZdMxs0) ]

"It still looks... bland," Yusuke told himself, tilting his head and trying to alter his angle. "Something feels off."

Sometimes, tilting one's head at just the right angle could alter perspective. He had lost count of the times when a mere shift in perspective was all it took to make an image pop. It was almost like an image with a hidden illusion; with just the right twist or shift, everything changed. Unfortunately, shifting his perspective this time only served to show him exactly how right he was. The colors still looked bland, nothing about the image popped, nothing set the painting apart, and Yusuke regarded it in frustration. Nothing he'd done so far would fix it. He'd changed the position of the sun and the shading, he'd used a different shade of white for the snow... it felt as though he was truly running out of ideas on how to fix it.

Part of him wondered dismally if it _could_ be fixed. It was a commission, so not finishing it wasn't an option, really, but he was really stuck. Sighing, Yusuke decreed, "This is truly average. Everything about it is average. Nothing sets it apart. It looks as if it could have been done by any average, go-nowhere artist. It is nothing like an original Ichiryusai Madarame should be."

If Yusuke knew it, he was sure Madarame would see it, too. Turning his head away from the canvas in a flourish, Yusuke directed his attention to all the reference photos he'd found on the internet. The painting was supposed to be a realistic snowscape, which should have been simple. He'd painted snow dozens of times. Something about this particular piece was proving difficult, however. Maybe it was because he'd painted snow so many times, and he was desperate to make this one different. If Madarame sold it, and the client noticed it bore similarities to someone else's painting, they'd complain and then Madarame would be truly angry.

Yusuke hummed softly and picked up one of the photographs to look closer. Admittedly, a part of him wished he could see something like this in person. He knew what snow looked like. In fact, all of Tokyo had been covered by a heavy sheet of snow yesterday. However, the visage of a snow-covered city, and the visage of snow-covered lakes and trees and mountains were vastly different concepts. He imagined how much easier it would be if he had some sort of memory reference to go by; if he had an emotional connection to snow. A lot of Yusuke's own art was strongly based on feelings and emotions.

Madarame called the need for such trivialities weakness, and always mocked Yusuke for thinking they would help him in any way. Still, seeing a snowy mountain, feeling the chilly air rolling down from its peak, actually knowing what it felt like to _feel_ these things, would allow him to put more into a painting like this. Yusuke shook his head sharply. There was truly no need to want for such impossible things. No matter how much Yusuke wished for it, Madarame would never allow him to visit such places. It didn't matter what Yusuke said, or how much it would help him in the long run. Yusuke was barely allowed to leave the house even _with_ Madarame's escort. Going somewhere like that would be out of the question.

With another sigh, Yusuke set the picture back down and turned around to look around the rest of his room. From the corner of his eye, he spotted his personal work, stuffed into the corner of the room like it was something shameful. In Madarame's eyes, it was. Every time Madarame caught Yusuke working on his own paintings, he got angry. He called Yusuke selfish and ungrateful, called the paintings frivolous and unnecessary.

Of course, Yusuke was fully aware of exactly how much he owed Madarame. He didn't need the constant reminder, or to be told exactly why his life and his art could never truly be his own.

In spite of that, Yusuke couldn't help but cross the room to take a closer look at his own paintings. One particular painting called him; a piece he'd started several months ago but hadn't been allowed to touch since. For now, he was calling it _The Missing Piece_. It was so close to completion. Close, but not quite. _Something_ was missing, just one small piece keeping it from reaching its true potential. Two vortexes encompassed the whole canvas, one a deep, midnight blue and the other a glimmering gold. They created a web around the small piece of plain white canvas in the center.

He ran his fingers along the page, following the bumps in the canvas and wishing the paper was able to tell him what it was missing. With a frown, he carded a hand through his hair and shook his head. It was pointless to think about, when he would never truly be allowed to work on it freely. Still, he couldn't quite bring himself to put it away again, to hide it back among the rest of his work.

Just as he turned back around, he heard footsteps in the hallway. Initially, Yusuke was able to easily dismiss the sound. After all, it wasn't uncharacteristic for Madarame to walk around and check on each student's progress before bed. The footsteps sounded like they just turned the corner, so Yusuke should have had time before he really had to make himself look busy. Except, they were coming much quicker than expected. Yusuke's brow furrowed at the realization that there was a second set of footsteps accompanying him. Madarame usually patrolled alone, and he definitely didn't speak in hushed whispers like he was to whoever was walking with him.

"He is fragile," Madarame told the second person. "Delicate. A very odd young man, who should be treated with kid gloves at all times."

The words made Yusuke bristle as he rushed to make it look like he'd been working on Madarame's commission the whole time. It wasn't uncommon for Madarame or any of the others in the house to tell Yusuke how strange he was, but he still didn't like to hear it. He _also_ didn't like the idea of Madarame allowing strangers to base their entire first impression of Yusuke on the thought that he was strange. As much as Yusuke wanted to say something, he knew it wasn't his place, and if he tried, he knew Madarame would be furious with him. So, he suppressed the wave of frustration as he picked his brush back up.

Madarame's voice still echoed through the door. "You are not to take charge in any way, shape, or form. _He_ is to dictate the pace and you are _not_ to touch him unless he gives you permission. Do you understand me? If I hear _any_ report that you've touched him without him asking for it, I will make sure you regret it until the day you die," he threatened. A beat passed, and Madarame spoke a little louder. "Do I make myself _perfectly_ clear?"

"Yes," a second, unfamiliar voice responded, and Yusuke arched his eyebrow in curiosity.

Who was the stranger and why was Madarame giving him strange commands? Most of the time, when Madarame brought strangers in, they were other big names in the art community who joined Madarame in praising his commissions and mocking his original work. Never before had he heard Madarame directing any of them not to _touch_ him. What, exactly, was Madarame trying to do?

Before he had a chance to wonder any further, the door to his room slid open to reveal Madarame and a younger man just behind him. Yusuke was confused, but he also couldn't help but notice how his eyes were instantly drawn to the younger man. He looked to be around Yusuke's age. That was odd. None of the art associates Madarame usually brought in were anywhere near Yusuke's age. Usually, they were all much, much older; all closer to Madarame's age. Truth be told, most of the interactions Yusuke had _with_ people his own age were outside of the atelier.

All of Madarame's students were much younger than he was, and none of them liked Yusuke enough to talk to him. 'Preferential treatment' from Madarame left Yusuke feeling isolated. When he _did_ manage to meet people his own age, they were always brief conversations, people Yusuke met in passing on excursions into town with Madarame. This young man didn't seem to fit into that category at all.

"Ah," Madarame's voice broke his thought process again. "My most diligent student, still hard at work."

Yusuke ducked his head, nodding and very carefully masked his frown with a level expression. "Yes, sensei," he responded, failing to disguise his dismal mood.

The wry smile on Madarame's face wilted, as he assessed Yusuke's progress. For a moment, he glared at Yusuke, before sighing and shaking his head. "Stop for a moment," he commanded. "I have returned, and I've brought something back for you as well."

Behind Madarame, the young man looked around the room curiously. His eyes glossed over Yusuke's paints, and eyed the commission paintings with vague interest, but for some reason, his gaze stopped when his eyes fell upon the pile of Yusuke's own mediocrities in the shadowed corner of the room.

"You did?" Yusuke asked curiously.

It was unusual for Madarame to reward Yusuke. Usually, he only acknowledged Yusuke's work in any way when he completed a commission in a timely manner. Otherwise, it was never fast enough or soulful enough, or _something_ was missing to make the work itself just barely suitable to complete the job. What had he done to warrant a reward, and for that matter, where _was_ the reward? Did this stranger have it?

Whoever this stranger _was_ , there was something mysterious about him; something which drew Yusuke in and made him curious. He was beautiful, of that there was no question. He had a mop of dark, unkempt hair on top of his head, and surprisingly warm, gray eyes. He stood mere inches shorter than Yusuke, with a slightly fuller frame. Instantly, Yusuke found himself feeling an overwhelming urge to draw him. It wasn't an uncommon instinct, at least not for Yusuke. It happened a lot when he saw something that caught his eye, but it was rare for it to happen with people. Maybe that was Madarame's intent, bringing him here?

Sighing, Madarame turned his eyes briefly to pass a glance by the dark-haired young man behind him. Just as quickly, he turned to look back at Yusuke. "Yes. A reward. I would be foolish to deny your skill as an artist, Yusuke. I think I have finally found a way to give you a push toward true greatness, however." Finally, he turned his full attention toward the other young man, and his eyes narrowed.

It still didn't answer Yusuke's questions, though. "Who is he?" he finally asked, not taking his eyes from the young man.

Clicking his teeth nonchalantly, Madarame hummed an amused chuckle under his breath. "Your reward, of course," he answered glibly. "He has a very particular set of... let's call them 'skills,' and we have agreed on a suitable price for him to _use_ those skills to help you finally reach your artistic peak."

To Madarame, the explanation must have seemed suitable, but Yusuke still didn't understand what was going on. "… skills? Is he an artist?" Yusuke asked.

The other man stood silently, regarding Madarame with vague suspicion, which Yusuke didn't exactly understand. Clearly, he must have known what was going on, right? If not, why would he have been here? When his gaze turned in Yusuke's direction, his expression changed from suspicion to... something Yusuke had never seen before. Intrigue, maybe? He was _definitely_ looking Yusuke over, which was a little bit odd. Without realizing it, Yusuke backed up a step.

Again, all Madarame did was laugh. "Clearly, I have sheltered you far too much, if you think one such as _this_ has any place in the art world," he sneered at the young man. "No, Yusuke. He isn't an artist. He is but a whore."

Any response Yusuke may have had died on his lips, and he felt his whole body heat up. His face was burning, and even without being able to see it, he could tell it was redder than a cherry. He stumbled back another step, his eyes darting from Madarame to the young man, who was still watching him with his brows furrowed in what _looked_ like concern. Yusuke lifted his hand to his face to shield it from view. Madarame was rewarding him with a... with a _person_? What did that mean? What, _exactly_ , did Madarame expect from him? There was no way Madarame had paid this man for _that_ , was there?

Rather than articulate any of these questions, Yusuke simply stammered out a feeble attempt at a reply. "I... I don't... sensei, I—"

"Yusuke, there is something soulless in your art," Madarame decreed. "It's _good_ , but there is _something_ missing, a life experience I feel you are lacking. I was returning home from my meeting with your next commissioner, and it dawned on me. What do you lack that even the _younger_ students in this atelier have? Clearly, this is the only thing. You are twenty-five, Yusuke. Frankly, it is shameful that you haven't sought this out on your own; that I had to do it for you."

The man behind Madarame looked horrified, and Yusuke wondered why _he_ felt that way. If anyone here should be offended, or horrified, or anything like that, it should've been Yusuke, right? Yusuke was the one blindsided by this. _Yusuke_ was the one being humiliated here, wasn't he?

"But sensei, I—"

Madarame silenced him with a glare and a shake of his head. "I will hear no argument, Yusuke. I have done you a huge favor. You _should_ be thanking me, but I suspect that will come later, when all is said and done." Before Yusuke had a chance to object any further, Madarame turned to the young man behind him. "You will receive your pay when your job is done. I am assuming it will take no more than a couple of hours, so I will be back at eleven. If I hear that you did _anything_ untoward—"

The man finally spoke. "I won't," he answered, his voice a surprisingly low rumble.

"I suppose only time will tell," Madarame condescended, before brushing past the man brusquely and ducking out of Yusuke's room.

Maybe Yusuke should have said something, but he couldn't find the words. What was Madarame trying to do? What had he done already? Where had he even _found_ this man? Yusuke felt an anxious knot tying his stomach up, and he backed up a step, putting more space between himself and the mysterious man Madarame had hired to—he couldn't even finish the thought without turning beet red! How could Madarame have expected him to actually _do_ it? Yusuke turned his back, desperately attempting to will the red from his cheeks and staring down at the wooden floor. Maybe if he stood here long enough, if he _pretended_ it was a nightmare, he would wake up.

It wasn't just a nightmare, though, and deep down he knew it. Still, anxiety and embarrassment—down to the core humiliation which was _almost_ enough to make his blood run cold, if it didn't need to be so warm to turn his cheeks red—wouldn't allow him to turn back around and face the stranger.

"I-I can't... I'm not… P-Please don't..." Try as he might, Yusuke's ability to form a coherent sentence was utterly failing him.

Why wasn't the stranger moving either, though? Yes, Yusuke had heard Madarame telling him not to touch Yusuke, and to let Yusuke dictate the pace. Did that mean he wasn't allowed to move or talk, though? Now that Yusuke knew what 'the pace' meant, his heart hammered angrily and nervously in his chest and his stomach was flipping and twisting around beneath it. How was Yusuke supposed to dictate the pace to _anything_ when he didn't even know where to begin?

Curiosity, more than anything else, made Yusuke finally turn around and _try_ to raise his eyes to look at the stranger on the other side of the room. He _really_ hadn't moved. He simply stood in the same spot, regarding Yusuke with a really strange expression on his face. It wasn't an expression Yusuke would have expected from someone in his profession. There was nothing intimate about it... or maybe there was, but in a very different way. It wasn't flirtatious—though Yusuke wasn't sure he'd recognize it even if it _was_ —nor did he _appear_ to be undressing Yusuke with his eyes, but he was definitely watching Yusuke very closely.

There was something akin to concern on his face, maybe. It was definitely strange, definitely a new expression, but it made Yusuke feel just a _little_ bit less nervous.

Yusuke opened his mouth to try speaking again. "I-I don't know what to..." Words were still hovering just out of his reach.

However, it appeared he wasn't anywhere near calm enough to speak a coherent sentence. Words were completely betraying him, any sort of explanation or apology—he felt like he owed this man an apology, though he wasn't sure what for—seeped out with Yusuke's breath, into the air and dissipated into silence. Immediately, a million thoughts and a million questions jumped into Yusuke's mind. What were they supposed to do? How did they begin? How and where had Madarame found him? Would the stranger be angry with him if he _didn't_ want to do this?

It looked like the stranger wanted to speak to him, but he hesitated, his mouth opening and closing after just a brief inhale. Yusuke met his eyes, unsure exactly what he was supposed to say, but he silently, desperately _pleaded_ with this stranger to help him; to guide him _somehow_ , or at the very least to _say_ something.

The stranger's expression softened even more. He raked his teeth over his lip, hesitating as if he was trying to come to a decision. After a few seconds of silence, he finally spoke up. "Hey," he called Yusuke's attention, in a voice much gentler than Yusuke would've expected. "It's okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Yusuke. D: At least Ren seems to be being cool about it!
> 
> Thanks to Nada for betaing, again! ♥


	3. Learn To Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _a heart glows in the night, in the day heart turn to dust._  
>  _say it and mean it,_  
>  _so, this heart learns to trust_  
> [learn to trust]() ;; bad suns  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wl-CnDC3Hdw) ]

For a while, Ren was actually a little bit hesitant to talk. The old man had told him not to speak unless spoken to, and part of him was worried this 'Yusuke' guy knew and shared the same rules. It didn't take Ren long to realize that wasn't the case at all. Not only was he acting completely different from the old man, but he looked flat-out mortified by the whole situation the whole time. Ren wasn't sure what the old man thought he was going to accomplish, hiring a whore for an unaware, seemingly unwilling participant, but he _was_ sure that he wanted no part of it. It was too cruel.

Right away, Ren recognized Yusuke's reaction as someone who hadn't been in the presence of a whore before. Usually, first-timers were always intimidated, like it took all of their courage to _hire_ Ren, to begin with, and Yusuke hadn't really had the luxury of _hiring_ Ren himself. The old man had done that for him... or maybe 'to him' was closer to the truth.

The hesitation seemed to go much deeper than just the hesitance to have sex with a whore. It was downright humiliation. Anxiety and fear of the concept of sex, which usually only came about in virgins. There was a pretty good chance _Yusuke_ was a virgin, as crazy as the thought was. Someone attractive like him had never had sex before? Maybe it was because he just wasn't interested in sex, which made the embarrassment he was feeling and the way he was looking at Ren like he feared Ren would lunge at him all the sadder. It _also_ made the old man's action's even more despicable. For a normal person, first times were supposed to be special, not something thrown at the unwilling.

Initially, it was a little difficult to step out of his thick-skinned whore persona. He expected to come here to seduce someone, after all. Seeing Yusuke shrink back, watching him try to disappear in humiliation, did more than anything to help him easily make the switch. Ren allowed the concern to take hold, and while Yusuke was covering his face in embarrassment, Ren untied the back of his shirt, letting it cover his midriff again. It wasn't a huge distinction, but Ren had been told it made him more approachable when he wasn't working.

"Hey," Ren reassured Yusuke, smiling gently. "It's okay."

It didn't seem to work, even a little bit. Yusuke still looked absolutely mortified, like he wanted to melt into the floor or hide in the closet or something. "I... I am... I was unaware—"

Ren's smile wilted, a concerned frown sprouting up in its place. Okay, so that was one thing he was right about, and he honestly wished he wasn't. Being right about this meant that the old man really _was_ horrible enough to try and make someone like Ren steal Yusuke's first time. "Hey, it's alright," he insisted.

"B-But, I'm unsure if I—"

With a shake of his head, Ren let the smile come back and shrugged a shoulder. "You don't have to. We don't have to do anything, okay? I'm not gonna, like... drag you out of your comfort zone. That won't be any fun for either one of us."

Yusuke seemed perplexed, and still beyond humiliated, but he looked at Ren with inquisitive eyes. "Sensei most likely won't pay you if you don't," he pointed out, his tone still tentative and nervous. It was almost like he expected that one little piece of information to completely change Ren's mind, to make Ren pounce him and start tearing his clothes off.

To be honest, it was a fair assumption. A lot of other whores Ren knew probably would have done just that. Ren didn't think he was _better_ than they were or anything, he just had a very distinct line he drew. Aside from his rules against bareback and kissing, he had a personal rule about always allowing the client to make the first move. Sometimes, it ended up with him not getting paid, and right back in his spot again, waiting for someone else to pick him up, but he didn't mind that so much. At least that allowed him to end the night with a little bit of morality left intact.

"So I don't get paid," Ren shrugged nonchalantly. He couldn't deny that losing out on 90,000 yen an hour would be a blow to his plans. Even so, it was better than compromising his standards, or worse, compromising Yusuke's feelings, like that. "It's not the end of the world. It's obvious you're not interested, which is totally fine. We really don't have to do anything, okay?"

It was a little surprising, how much Yusuke was resisting. Given how much he'd freaked out when the concept of sleeping with Ren came into the open, Ren would have figured he'd be a lot more willing to just let it go. He still looked conflicted, though; like he wanted to take Ren's word that it was okay, but something had him hesitating.

Yusuke didn't meet Ren's eyes when he spoke up again. "W-Well... sensei would be terribly offended if we didn't," he murmured under his breath, and something about the softness of his voice told Ren that he wasn't supposed to hear it.

"Well, maybe he deserves to be a little offended," Ren replied haughtily, glancing over his shoulder at the door. "Hiring a whore for someone who doesn't even _want_ one is a pretty lousy prank. I've been hired as a prank by college kids before, but never by a wrinkled old man in a yukata." Snorting derisively, Ren finally turned to look back at Yusuke.

Even with the knowledge that they didn't have to have sex, awkwardness still lingered in the air like some kind of cheap perfume. Ren regarded Yusuke for a moment. He was still embarrassed, that much was obvious by the very bright, almost _neon_ , shade of red dusting his face. At least they'd passed the point when Yusuke looked like he was trying to sink into the floor, though. Funny what a little kindness and decency would do for a person. He still wasn't meeting Ren's eyes, but it was okay. A lot of the men he _did_ sleep with didn't want to meet his eyes either. It was probably the whore thing, he figured.

Ren decided that, when the old man got back, he was going to call him out on exactly how lousy it was for him to try and buy Yusuke's first time; to steal that experience from him. If it blew up in his face, then it blew up in his face. Someone needed to call the old man out, and Ren suspected that Yusuke wouldn't. A first time was supposed to be natural, between two people who at _least_ shared an attraction. That wasn't to say Yusuke wasn't attractive. He definitely was. If Yusuke had wanted to, Ren definitely wouldn't have minded being fucked this time.

Shaking the thought off, Ren decided to spend the time he was here talking to Yusuke. "I'm Ren," he offered.

"Oh. Y-yes. My name is Yusuke." Yusuke finally turned to meet Ren's eyes, and his lips twitched upward tentatively, before falling back into an anxious frown.

Ren could see the anxiety practically radiating from Yusuke. It looked almost like he was still half-expecting Ren to try and jump him. The fear made sense. Ren was a stranger, and all Yusuke knew about him was that he was a whore. It would probably take more than just an offer of basic human decency to break through anxiety like that. Part of Ren wondered why he even really cared. It wasn't like he _had_ to ease Yusuke's mind, but maybe a piece of him just wanted to make sure someone else didn't end up like him...

"So, you're an artist?" Ren asked, reaching for the first topic he could find to snap himself out of that dark thought process.

Yusuke nodded. "Yes."

With a nod, Ren eased a smile back onto his face, finally allowing himself to take a step forward to get a better look at the rest of the room. The first things that caught his attention when he first came into the room were the paintings hidden back in the corner, so he hadn't really looked at the others. Stopping in front of Yusuke's easel, he glanced at the painting leaning against the wooden frame. Snowy mountains, with a snow-dusted forest and a lake. It was really good, very realistic. Not quite like the snow Ren was used to in Inaba, but it was a skillful recreation.

Ren had always envied people with real talent like this. "That's pretty cool. I like art," he offered. "Is this what you were working on before I got here?"

Yusuke just nodded. His expression was somber as he looked at his own painting. This somber tone was a little different from what Ren had seen so far, almost like Yusuke's own feelings about this particular painting weren't as cut and dry as they should've been. Or maybe it was just because the whore hired to seduce him was trying to talk to him like they were friends. That would make anyone somber.

"It's really good." Ren tried to cut the tension further, with a gentle smile.

With surprise in his eyes, Yusuke simply blinked at Ren. "Thank you," he murmured.

Progress. Not _huge_ progress, but progress. "Do you mind if I look around?" Ren asked.

The surprise on Yusuke's face was a stark contrast to the surprise he'd shown when the old man first brought up Ren's profession. The surprise seemed pleasant, which was looked much better than the anxiety he'd shown so far. "If... if you would like, feel free," he answered, his voice meek.

As soon as Ren got the okay, he started looking around the room at some of the other paintings and sketches Yusuke had stored. A lot of them were more traditional things, like landscapes and busts, things people talked about in museums. Humanity and scenery captured in paint, just like the mountains on his easel. They were impressive, Ren would have to be stupid to deny that.

What _really_ gathered his attention, though, were the sparse masterpieces, no matter how hard they were to find in the endless sea of realistic art. While all of the others were brilliant, the ones Ren was drawn to looked like they had their _own_ stories to tell. Most of all, he found himself drawn to one hiding in the very corner of the room. It looked like two tornadoes, whirling in opposite directions and taking up the whole page. One tornado was blue and the other was yellow, with the yellow one's thicker lines implying that it was much more powerful than the blue one. It was almost like it was overpowering the blue storm and forcing it to bend. The spots where the two storms intersected made little specks of green. Ren was pretty sure it told a story, though he didn't quite understand the nuances.

"This one is really different from a lot of the others," Ren pointed out, turning to glance back at Yusuke.

For a split second, Yusuke looked pleased. Just as quickly, the expression twisted and fell. He averted his eyes, nodding once, and fidgeted uncomfortably. "Yes," he answered, his voice barely above a whisper.

Ren got the feeling the old man wasn't a very nurturing or encouraging sensei. Maybe it was a little presumptuous. In fact, it definitely was. Aside from the whole 'hiring a whore' thing, Ren didn't really know anything about him. Yusuke seemed hesitant to talk about this painting... or to really talk to Ren at all, for that matter. A compliment on a painting should have been okay, though. It shouldn't have made Yusuke's expression change from pleased to sad like that. Ren considered his next step for a second, opting to keep his eyes on Yusuke as he continued his assessment.

"I like it, though," Ren told Yusuke. "It's kind of like... looking into the eye of a storm. Or maybe even an internal conflict?"

Yusuke perked back up, seemingly shocked at Ren's observation. The smile came back tentatively, like he was still hesitant, but his eyes seemed _less_ nervous. In fact, they shone brightly with his subconscious smile. "An interesting outlook..." he answered, and Ren sensed a little less anxiety in his voice.

With a little smile, Ren turned back toward the painting and nodded. "I really like the spots where the yellow and blue intersect. The green is kind of like... the clashing of swords or something," he explained, raising his fingers in an 'X' pattern to signify a pair of crossed swords. "The culmination of a conflict. Whatever is causing the two storms to rage, it can't be pleasant."

At some point during Ren's explanation, Yusuke had crossed the room to stand next to him. He looked at the painting for a second, then turned his head to look at Ren, eyes wide with surprise. "I... you gathered that much from just a glance?" he asked.

"I mean, yeah," Ren answered, shrugging and turning to meet Yusuke's gaze. "Is it really that surprising?"

A low sound—maybe a laugh, maybe not—rumbled out from Yusuke's chest, and he nodded. "When sensei looked at this particular piece, he called it a confusing mess," he explained. "He told me the colors conflicted, that it was nonsense; that I was to abandon the pursuit and move back to something more realistic. So, I..."

Ren arched an eyebrow and shrugged. "So what if they conflict?" he asked. "Isn't that the point? If they represent conflicts or storms or whatever, they're not supposed to match up or be neat, are they?"

Even without looking, Ren could tell Yusuke was staring at him. He could feel Yusuke's gaze burning into him, curious, probably fighting a million questions. "That was what I thought, too," he confessed, his voice quiet.

"Even though the yellow storm overpowers the blue one, you can pretty clearly see both of them. When they do blend, to me, the green spots are kind of like conflicts, moments where the blue storm tries to push back against the yellow one, but ultimately ends up..." Ren trailed off and frowned. He didn't want to finish his sentence, because it was a little sad. "You can feel the frustration. It's powerful. Almost overwhelming, actually. I can only imagine what it would be like if someone was stuck in the eye of the storms."

A quiet gasp was all Ren heard, and when he turned his head, Yusuke's eyes were wide open. He looked at the painting, his eyes on the eye of the storms. "Someone... in the middle of the storm," he murmured.

Ren nodded. "I wasn't trying to like... tell you what to do or anything, I was just imagining what it would feel like to be in the middle of—"

Yusuke didn't let him finish his sentence. The wide-eyed expression changed to one of pure, unadulterated focus. He leaned down to pick the painting up, and immediately started mumbling aloud. "A figure, stuck in the middle of a pair of swirling vortexes, forced to either remain in stasis or risk being torn asunder by the swirling winds," he regaled, seeming far less tense than before. "It's marvelous, it's _magnificent_! I don't... I can't believe I had never considered it before! That's what has been missing all along!"

As Yusuke moved the mountain range from the easel and replaced it with the vortex painting, Ren watched him with intrigue. He didn't move closer, but he did step to the side a little, to get a better view of what Yusuke was trying to do. Yusuke looped his brush into charcoal gray paint, and then into some blue, quickly painting a small shadowy figure in the center of the two storms. The figure was on its knees, with one hand on its throat and the other stretching into the air, like it was choking, gasping for breath and pleading with the viewer to assist it. It made the painting all the more tragic. At the same time, it tied it together, just like Yusuke thought it would.

Once Yusuke finished, he took a step back, setting the palette down and taking a look at the piece from a slightly greater distance.

"It's amazing," Ren told him.

A soft half-breath half-laugh escaped Yusuke's lungs as he regarded the painting. "It's... finished," he muttered. "I have been working on this piece for months, and all it took to finish it was..."

With a little chuckle and a shrug, Ren mused, "Sometimes, when you focus on something for so long, you lose your ability to look at it objectively. At least... I assume." He didn't really have much first-hand experience with things like that, though.

"Yes," Yusuke agreed. "I suppose... that must be what happened."

This version of Yusuke, this much happier version, with bright eyes and taller posture—and god that _smile_ —was much better than the version who cowered away from Ren like he was afraid Ren would pounce on him at any second. Ren took a step forward, standing next to Yusuke and smiling at the painting on the easel. "And now you finished it."

Yusuke laughed softly, turning to look at Ren with a genuine smile on his face. "I suppose I did," he mumbled. "I truly... don't know how to thank you enough."

"Don't worry about it," Ren shrugged it off with a wave of his hand. "I didn't really—"

Before Ren could finish, Yusuke shook his head and moved so they were standing face to face, an intense look in his eyes. "You absolutely did!" he insisted. "I had been drowning in a mire for months, desperately stretching my arms up for something to grasp and pull myself out. With that one suggestion, you reached your hand down and pulled me to the surface, and reminded me how to breathe! I... thank you, truly. From the bottom of my heart."

Now that they were really looking at each other, face to face and _not_ with a whole room separating them, Ren finally took the chance to examine Yusuke's appearance. His hair, tied back into a messy excuse for a bun on the back of his head—a really sexy look for an artist—was dark blue and looked really soft. His eyes were gray, but somehow bright as they bore into Ren's, radiating gratitude like his smile. He was tall, and thin, and honestly, Ren _really_ wouldn't have complained about being fucked by him. That was off the table now, though. Laughing softly to himself, Ren shrugged and met Yusuke's eye.

"Glad I could help," he offered with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all of you who expected smut so early on: SORRY, BUT ALSO NOT SORRY. XD You're in for a slow burn, friends.
> 
> Thanks to Nada for the beta, and for the constant help with ideas and stuff! ♥


	4. Absolutely Zero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _all along the fault is up for grabs and there you have it._  
>  _well it's for sale go make your offer,_  
>  _i will sell it for no less than what I bought it for._  
>  _pay no more than absolutely zero..._  
> [absolutely zero](https://open.spotify.com/track/0man2fi5YqmLzEIzc1zzUK?si=AFoEEqSASCyA_YdvEIULXA) ;; jason mraz  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5hroIygGSo) ]

In a strange way, Madarame's arrangement had actually ended up benefiting Yusuke in the end. Thankfully, Ren was nothing like Yusuke had expected. He was a kind, decent, understanding man. He didn't expect anything from Yusuke, and he'd been nothing but amiable. Each moment that passed, Yusuke found himself more and more comfortable around Ren, and as such, it became easier and easier for Yusuke to be himself. Ren's kindness, the way he'd helped Yusuke with his painting and went on to comment on other paintings and drawings in Yusuke's room, did more than enough to chip through the layer of anxiety and make Yusuke feel a little more relaxed around this relative stranger.

Ren seemed to know a lot about art, for someone who Madarame claimed had 'no place in the art world.' His suggestions were brilliant. Each time Yusuke showed him a painting which felt _just shy_ of complete, he could tell exactly what was missing. In the short hour Ren had been there, he had helped Yusuke complete three personal pieces which had been sitting unfinished for months.

Admittedly, Yusuke found himself curious as to what Ren would have to say about the snowy mountaintops. He looked it over with his discerning eye, humming quietly to himself as he worried his bottom lip. By the time Ren finished looking and started speaking, Yusuke could practically feel the anticipation boiling over.

"Man," Ren mused, turning to Yusuke with a smile. "During winter in the countryside? The sun hits the mountains just right, and it's almost too bright. Like the sun is reflecting from the snow and somehow getting brighter. That's one of the things I'll never... forget." He trailed off, quickly turning his head back to look at Yusuke's painting.

Yusuke approached the canvas, brushing past Ren and looking at the mountains in his own image. A brightly lit canvas. Interesting. "You've seen it?" he asked, turning his attention back toward Ren again.

Ren almost seemed to hesitate, glancing down at the floor and pressing his lips together like he wasn't sure if he wanted to say anything. When he looked back up, he seemed a little more reserved than Yusuke expected. He refused to meet Yusuke's eyes, focusing instead on the mountaintop painting. "Yeah," he answered. "I... lived out in the countryside when I was a kid. It wasn't exciting or anything, but... things like that? The mountains on the horizon and all that? It had its charms."

"I would imagine it was breathtaking," Yusuke mused, watching Ren closely.

With a nod, Ren finally looked back up at Yusuke. He still looked slightly more subdued, though. "Yeah. I can't really describe it, it's one of those things you kinda have to see for yourself, you know? When it snows, then melts, then freezes? The trees ice over. It looks pretty cool on its own, like crystallized trees or something, but then when the sun hits them? It's almost like you're looking out over a diamond forest. The sparkle is almost blinding, but even with that, you don't want to look away."

Turning to look back at his own painting, Yusuke hummed in thought. "A diamond forest," he murmured.

"Yeah. Is that something you can do?" Ren asked.

Quietly, Yusuke pondered exactly how to make it work. Instantly, his mind went to the crystal goblet stowed away in Madarame's china cabinet. If he held the crystal up to a tree branch, it would give the same effect as ice surrounding the trees. It wasn't a perfect reference, but he could make it work. Combined with Ren's explanation, he was almost positive he could take this commission to the next level.

With that in mind, Yusuke turned to Ren with a little smile. "Perhaps a challenge, but a worthwhile one," he answered. "You truly have my thanks. You have taken what would have been a dull landscape project and turned it into a new way to test my limits."

The smile on Ren's face was finally back to its full glory. Or, perhaps it wasn't. It was a full smile, and Yusuke thought _maybe_ it was partially genuine, but it was a little bit different from the smiles he'd given when they first met. It was a little confusing, truth be told. When Madarame had first brought him into Yusuke's room, Ren had appeared to be the portrait of confidence. At that time, he'd seemed unshakable; certain of who he was and able to face any challenge thrown his way with a cocky smirk and a confident quip. This version of him was quite different. As he smiled at Yusuke right then, he looked almost shy.

Yusuke's stomach twisted as he tried to smile back. It wasn't an uncomfortable twist, it was simply new and strange, and he wasn't quite sure what it meant. What he _was_ sure of, was the fact that Ren was quite aesthetically pleasing.

"Good," Ren answered. "Someone talented like you should be able to enjoy their work."

Ren crossed the room then, and leaned against the wall next to the window, glancing outside. It was the first time Yusuke had _really_ looked at him without feeling so embarrassed he wanted to die, or so inspired that he needed to grasp the inspiration before it disappeared. Ren was quite different from the impression Yusuke first had about people in his profession. Yusuke's favorite film, Mes Miserable, had a prostitute in it named Destine. She was unclean, unkempt, and looked terribly unhealthy. Ren didn't appear to be any of those things. He was clean. His clothing wasn't tattered or filthy, and his hair wasn't oily... perhaps a little unkempt, but Yusuke got the impression that was done on purpose.

He looked healthy, too. He wasn't rail thin, nor was his skin pallid or dirty. When they'd stood close together, the aroma radiating from Ren was pleasant as well. Ren smelled like cinnamon, or perhaps some sort of warm vanilla, with a strong undertone of fresh coffee. Truly, he was unlike anyone Yusuke had ever seen before. Dark hair, unkempt to the point that it almost looked curly, and equally dark, mysterious twinkling eyes, soft features, and a brilliant grin... Yusuke found himself wondering why no artist in the world had dedicated a painting to him yet. He was the perfect subject.

Truth be told, Yusuke found himself curious about Ren. What was he like? He knew about the countryside. Had he been there before? Where was he from, where did he learn what he knew about art? He obviously knew quite a bit, or at least knew enough to be able to help Yusuke with things which had been haunting him for months. What was someone brilliant like him doing in such a dangerous profession? Yusuke thought of Destine again, how in the film, she'd been treated so horribly, gotten sick, and ended up dying from her illness. Someone brilliant like Ren seemed oddly out of place in a profession such as his.

Curiosity bubbled over, and Yusuke found himself losing the battle with the urge to ask all—or even _any_ —of his questions.

Just as Yusuke was about to ask, the door to his room slid open and Madarame appeared on the other side. Instantly, the pleasant mood Ren had helped Yusuke find cracked, broke to pieces, and crumbled down to the floor. The anxiety, the humiliation, came back to him as he was forced to remember that this situation had never been about two people talking and getting to know each other better. Madarame had hired Ren for a reason, and ultimately, nothing had come of it. Now, all that remained was for Ren to leave, and for Yusuke to fade from his memory.

Madarame didn't say a word. He simply looked between Ren and Yusuke expectantly, impatience lining his eyes. When neither of them answered right away, he finally spoke up. "Well?"

Unfortunately, Yusuke's voice was caught in his throat. "I..." he stammered.

Before Yusuke could find his voice, he heard movement from over by where Ren stood. A glance in Ren's direction showed him pushing off from the wall with a cross expression on his face. No, it was more than a cross expression. Ren was _glaring_ at Madarame, seeming angry as he crossed the room and stood next to Yusuke. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out exactly what he was planning. He looked truly angry; almost like he wanted to tell Madarame exactly what he thought of the situation. Yusuke remembered him mentioning feeling like Madarame deserved to be offended. Coupling that with the look on his face...

Yusuke spoke, just as Ren opened his mouth to speak. "He has done his job, sensei." He made sure his voice was loud enough to drown out anything Ren might have said.

A glance in Ren's direction showed pure and unadulterated confusion. His brows were furrowed, and his eyes were concerned. "Yusuke—"

Tearing his eyes away, Yusuke turned to Madarame and tried to train his face into confidence. Truth be told, Yusuke had never been a good liar. He begged whatever deity governed the world to convince Madarame to believe him. "Please pay him."

Ren's expression was different now. The anger, the disapproval at Madarame's plan still lingered in his eyes, and he still looked like he was seconds from exploding; seconds from telling Madarame exactly how he felt. Mixed in, however, there was a little bit of confusion. It made sense. This was a stark contrast to the way Yusuke had been the last time Madarame was in the room with them. The thought of Madarame's reaction if he learned the truth—how furious he would be with both Ren _and_ Yusuke—emboldened Yusuke. He didn't want Ren to have Madarame's ire pointed his way.

It seemed to be too late for that, though. Madarame looked from Yusuke to Ren, arching an eyebrow, then letting his expression fall into pure disgust. It was saddening to Yusuke, how Madarame was unwilling to see what lay beneath the surface; the kind and friendly man Ren had just shown to Yusuke.

"You look like you want to say something," Madarame seethed at Ren.

Madarame wasn't lying. Ren _definitely_ looked like his anger was about to burst at the seams, especially given the way Madarame was looking at him right then. As much as Yusuke would have understood if he just let his anger explode and told Madarame exactly what he thought, Yusuke made a last-ditch effort to silently plead with him _not_ to. Neither of them spoke a word, but Ren looked at him, silently asking what Yusuke wanted. It was complicated. Sometimes, Yusuke wanted to see Madarame put into his place. Sometimes, he wished he was brave enough to do it himself. That side of him wanted to tell Ren to speak up.

The rest of him remembered that, when all was said and done, he would have to live with Madarame. If Madarame found out that nothing happened, he would be angry. However, if Madarame found out that Yusuke spent the whole time working on his own 'worthless' art and taking tips from someone who _wasn't_ Madarame, he'd be _furious_. It was safer, in the end, if Ren just took his pay and went back to his life. What happened in this room could be a secret, and Ren could just forget Yusuke existed. He showed Ren a silent plea, begging him not to say anything.

When Ren finally spoke, his tone was quieter, more subdued. "Nothing," he insisted, though a closer look showed that he was speaking through gritted teeth. He loosened his posture, turning to Madarame with a nod. "Just that he was a real gentleman, and I'll just take the price I quoted you. No triple pay necessary."

Yusuke blinked.

Snorting derisively, Madarame murmured, "In my entire life, I have never seen a whore with honor."

The surprise turned to anger, and Yusuke turned a sharp glare Madarame's way while he wasn't paying attention. He wasn't sure what bothered him more: the way he derisively called Ren a whore, even as Ren offered to take less money than originally quoted, or the way Ren didn't even seem to react. Whichever it was, it emboldened Yusuke a little bit more.

"Wait," Yusuke stopped Madarame, who was counting from a large stack of yen. "If you promised to pay him triple his normal rate, you should pay him triple his normal rate. It only seems fair to me."

Ren's brow furrowed. "I don't need—" he started, like he was about to argue.

Yusuke shook his head. "I insist."

To say that Madarame looked suspicious would have been an understatement. "No, Yusuke is quite right. I am a businessman, and this was a business transaction. I believe you quoted your normal rate at 30,000 yen, which means this should suffice," he said dropping a large roll of money into his hands.

For a second, Ren stared at the roll of money in his hand, and Yusuke could see the surprise in his eyes. It was almost like he was afraid it would grow legs and jump away from him. A couple more seconds passed, and he took the elastic from the roll, slowly starting to count it.

"I..." Ren stammered.

With a mocking sigh, Madarame shook his head. "180,000. That's 90,000 yen an hour for two hours. I realize it must be irregular for one such as you to see this much money at once," he ridiculed Ren. "There is no need to prolong this, is there? I believe the money I gave you should be more than enough to find you a ride to whatever hovel you call home."

Yusuke's brows drew together. "Sensei, please don't—"

"Quiet, Yusuke. Your opinions are unwarranted here," Madarame commanded, before turning his eyes to Ren. "I will ask you to vacate my house, please."

Ren frowned, but he nodded once and cast Yusuke an apologetic look. It was a shame. Yusuke never even had the chance to ask Ren for his contact information, to show him the finished product of the mountain range painting. Nor would he be able to thank Ren for helping him find a way to finish his own painting. Before Yusuke even had a chance to say goodbye, Ren quietly turned for the door and left, leaving a disappointed Yusuke in his wake. Just like that, he was gone, and Yusuke would probably never see him again. Another person in the world who would eventually forget he existed.

Yusuke would never forget him, though. Every time he looked at the painting he finished, he would think of Ren, think of how Ren helped him, and how just for a couple of hours, he hadn't felt quite as alone. As Yusuke turned to see Madarame looking critically over his mountain range painting, he sighed.

"Don't worry," Madarame sneered. "That block will clear up soon."

As Madarame walked around the room, examining everything he passed and muttering about how "that whore better not have stolen anything, if he knows what's good for him," a brand new emptiness crept its way out from Yusuke's chest and spread out through the rest of his body. Yusuke walked up to the window, glancing outside and watching Ren walk away until he disappeared around a corner. It was odd. This was no different from the way his life had been before he met Ren, but now that Ren was gone, it was almost worse than before. Perhaps it was because, for a brief moment, Yusuke almost understood what it felt like to have a friend... and now, he was alone all over again.

Darkly, Yusuke thought that if this was Madarame's way of keeping him subservient, it was working remarkably well.

*

As Ren trudged through the snow, away from Madarame's house, he couldn't help but frown. Even 180,000 yen richer, he felt like he'd screwed up somehow. Yusuke's silent plea, the desperation in his eyes and the way he went to bat, insisting that Ren still get paid even though he hadn't done what he'd been paid to do... it all struck a wrong note with him somehow.

Not because of Yusuke. Yusuke's kindness was unexpected, and probably undeserved on Ren's part. No, what felt _wrong_ was walking away without giving that old man a piece of his mind. What felt wrong was letting him think it _wasn't_ fucked up to pay for someone to steal Yusuke's virginity. God, everything about that old man was infuriating. The way he talked down to Yusuke, the way he seemed to restrict everything Yusuke did... hell, even the way he'd talked _about_ Yusuke before he'd let Ren into Yusuke's room was disrespectful.

Not to mention how _wrong_ all those warnings were. Sure, Yusuke had _seemed_ a little fragile at first, but Ren figured that was less about any actual fragility on his part and more because of the stupid, manipulative scheme the old man had come up with. He wasn't weird, though. Ren hadn't really treated him with kid gloves, just basic human decency. A part of Ren wondered if the idea the old man had about Yusuke was something he'd concocted himself, something he created to use as a reason to keep Yusuke under his thumb. Ren had half a mind to turn around and go back, to tell the wrinkled old man exactly what he deserved to hear.

He stopped in place and looked over his shoulder at the house in the distance. Ren got the impression that not many people went to bat for Yusuke, and it made him want to do it all the more. Ultimately, he stopped himself. What would it do, other than show the old man the truth behind their lie? Besides, the _last_ thing Yusuke needed was some whore rushing to his defense.

Shaking the thought off, Ren glanced back at the ground and continued his walk to the train station. As he turned a corner, he thought of Yusuke. He deserved better than to doubt everything he did just because some old man was jealous of his talent. He deserved a lot better. Not for the first time, Ren wished he was worth listening to. If he was, maybe he'd have been able to help.

The thought haunted him as he hugged his coat tighter around him and continued the freezing walk to the train station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you it wasn't what you'd expect! Now we wait to see how our boys get back together again!
> 
> Thanks again to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for the beta! ♥


	5. Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _taking a chance,_  
>  _this could be different._  
>  _this could be all i'm waiting for..._  
> [dfiferent](https://open.spotify.com/track/4WFz3RH4VzRjOHLhYN4XFl?si=hVy2EiifTwqlhCrEEyp00g) ;; acceptance  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khb-u0yl4qg) ]

A week had passed since Ren met Yusuke. It was weird how, even though they'd only met for a couple of short hours, Ren hadn't been able to get Yusuke out of his mind. No matter what he did, he couldn't get past his lingering doubts about leaving Yusuke behind without saying something to that old man about how _screwed up_ his actions were. It felt too much like running away from consequences. Ren had never really worried too much about what people said or did to him. There was nothing that wrinkly old prune could do to him that hadn't been done before.

It went beyond that, though. Every now and again, he'd think back to the way Yusuke smiled, or the way his hair fell down into his face when he looked at the floor... he really was good looking.

Chihaya was doing very little to help him out. Ren stopped by her booth to go for a walk with Chihaya and use his ill-gotten gains to buy her dinner. Dinner, in this case, meant mediocre takoyaki from a cart and more soda than a human was probably supposed to drink. Ren quickly realized that his first mistake was ever telling Chihaya about the situation with the old man. Instantly, she did the same thing she always did and blew it out of proportion, insisting that Ren was lucky the old man wasn't an ax murderer or some hardened criminal.

The thought made Ren laugh. "Chihaya, trust me. I'm pretty sure nothing about that old man was hardened. Probably not even his police record," he told her.

With a loud laugh which drew attention from several other people nearby, Chihaya doubled over in a spit take, spitting her soda into the road. "Oh my god, Ren, did you have to put the image of an old man dick in my head?" she asked, then shoved him in the shoulder while still coughing and sputtering on her soda.

"You're the one who wanted the details," Ren raised his hands in mock defense.

Scoffing, Chihaya rolled her eyes. "Yeah, about the guy he hired you for, not about him! You said he hired you for someone younger. Who was to say _he_ ain't an ax murderer, or someone even worse? You just... got into his car and went where he asked you to? You didn't ask questions, just did what you were told?" she asked him, her expression disapproving.

With a shrug, Ren nodded. "It was for 180,000 yen, Chihaya." It was more money than she made on one of her fake charms.

"That's all your life is worth to you?"

Ren didn't answer. Instead, he shrugged, took a sip from his soda, and then eagerly switched the topic. "Anyway, it wasn't like that," he insisted. " _He_ wasn't like that. He was... really innocent. Naive." _Kind of sweet,_ Ren thought to himself. "When the old man brought me into his room, he thought I was an _artist_ , Chihaya. An artist. Me."

"So, you didn't get the money, then? You didn't do it?" she asked.

With a hollow laugh, Ren shook his head. "No, I got the money," he mused.

She arched an eyebrow. "But you said—"

Ren nodded. "I know what I said. When everything was—or, I guess wasn't, in this case—all said and done, he actually... stood up for me," he murmured, laughing quietly at the thought. "Well, maybe not stood up for me, but he lied to make sure I got paid. It was... wild." He popped another takoyaki ball into his mouth, but his smile faded at the memory of how desperate Yusuke had been to keep the whole thing a secret.

Chihaya seemed confused, but she tucked some hair behind her ear and tossed her empty takoyaki tray into a nearby trash can. "So, you got paid for not havin' sex for once," she mused.

"Yeah," Ren answered. "He seemed really interested in my opinions on his art and stuff, which was... kind of weird, since what do _I_ know about art, right? But I guess somehow, I helped him with a couple paintings he was struggling with."

As Chihaya finished the last of her soda, she quietly pondered what Ren was telling her. "So, he wasn't an ax murderer, then," she decided.

Rolling his eyes, Ren answered, "No, he wasn't an ax murderer. He was just... a nice guy. Crazy, right?"

Humming to herself, Chihaya dropped her empty cup into the trash can and took her seat back on the bench. "I'm pretty shocked he stepped up to the plate for you like that. Most of the people who hire you are kinda..." she trailed off, like she was trying to think of a kind way to say what she was thinking.

Ren didn't really have the same qualms, though. "Sleazy?" he asked with a soft chuckle.

"Well, I wasn't gonna put it that way," she mused.

Shrugging, Ren finished off the last of his takoyaki, before skillfully tossing the empty tray into the garbage can. "No, there's no need to beat around the bush, Chihaya. They're sleazy. Simple as that," he told her with a chuckle.

Once again, Chihaya seemed a little bit upset, and Ren could already hear the mountain of protests forming in her mind. They were all the same protests she gave him every time, how he shouldn't go with sleazy guys if he knew they were sleazy, how he should be more discerning because 'this time,' the client wasn't an ax murderer, etcetera, etcetera. Same words, different night. Ultimately, Ren was sure she knew it wasn't that simple. That being so picky about clients was a way to ensure he ended up with no clients at all. He watched her expression change to match his equally disapproving one expression.

Even though she knew what his answer was going to be, it didn't stop her from speaking up. "Ever think of changin' your clientele then? No sense in lettin' sleazy guys hire ya when you _know_ they're sleazy."

Sighing exasperatedly, Ren glanced down at his cup. "Chihaya, I'm fine."

It was Chihaya's turn to let out an annoyed sigh as she absently plucked some lint from the bottom of her skirt. Fortunately, she seemed more willing to drop it than usual. "Was he at least cute?" she finally asked.

Ren managed a grin as he cast her a sidelong glance, taking a deliberately slow drink from his soda to delay his answer. When he finally did, he shrugged to the side. "Well, I wouldn't've complained, let's put it that way," he mused.

Intrigue sparkled in Chihaya's eyes as she silently urged Ren for more information. When he didn't give any right away, she added, "So _real_ cute then, Mr. High Standards," she teased, poking him in the shoulder.

"I don't have high standards, Chihaya," he laughed.

She laughed loudly, then rolled her eyes. "Okay, sure. You don't have high standards. That's why you keep findin' something wrong with all the boys who pass when we do our li'l rating game," she teased.

The rating game. Ren laughed softly, shaking his head and brushing a hand through his hair. Sometimes, when they had nothing to talk about on their little lunch meetups, Ren and Chihaya would sit together and rate all the attractive men who walked by on a scale from one to ten. Chihaya would often joke that it was one of the perks of having a friend with "discerning taste" like Ren: she noticed all the weird things about men before she asked them out. Most of the time, Ren's weird things were sort of superficial, but they seemed to be enough to keep Chihaya out of the crosshairs of the weird guys usually roaming casually around the streets of Shinjuku.

"What d'you rate him, then?" she asked.

Ren went quiet, genuinely considering the question. Yusuke's face popped back into his mind as he thought it over. Long, soft-looking, blue hair and sad, mysterious, gray eyes. A gently sloped nose and a rare but really nice smile. A tall and slender frame with pale and smooth skin. A face Ren couldn't chase from his mind even though he'd really tried. With a shrug and a slight tilt of his head, he glanced down at the sidewalk rather than over at Chihaya when he answered:

"Nine-point-five."

The only reason Yusuke wasn't rated a perfect ten was because of how sad he seemed. He looked miserable and it made Ren wonder exactly what he would look like if he was _happy_. Imagining that face, smiling all the time, radiating excitement... he'd look nice that way. Yusuke really was gorgeous. He had the kind of face Ren would think about to get him through tricks with less-than-pleasant clients. Ren paused, still not turning to look at Chihaya, before amending his answer: "Maybe a nine-point seven-five." 

When Chihaya didn't respond, Ren turned to look at her curiously. Immediately, he almost wished he hadn't. Her eyes were wide, her lips parted in shock, and her hand was on her chest like she was trying to make sure her heart was still beating. She craned her neck just slightly, looking at Ren incredulously. "A nine-seven-five?" she asked, staring at him like he had two heads. "That's... the highest score you've ever given, Ren! Even that male model who was walkin' by with his agent only got an eight, then you changed it to a seven when you heard him talk! Dang, he must be somethin' really special!"

"Chihaya," Ren rolled his eyes.

She waved off his dismissal. "Don't bother. I've always told myself that I'd make sure to get all the details if we ever got anything higher than a nine, so now you gotta tell me everything!"

Ren laughed softly, rolled his eyes again, and planned to rebuke Chihaya. Before he could turn to look at her, however, a familiar sight caught the corner of his eye. Limousines weren't exactly common in Shinjuku, so when the same one came into town twice, Ren tended to remember. _Especially_ given this particular limousine's owner. He watched as the limo rolled to a stop in front of them, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Chihaya blinking, amazed, as the window rolled down.

When the very same wrinkled old man peered out the window and looked at Ren with the same derisive expression on his face, Ren couldn't help but be surprised. Surprised, but a little bit concerned, too. What was _he_ doing here? After the big show he'd made of making sure Ren knew exactly how unwelcome he was in the old man's _glorious_ presence, Ren was pretty sure he'd never see either him or Yusuke ever again. Had Yusuke finally spoken up? It wouldn't surprise Ren, honestly. Most of the time, when people seemed like they'd be in Ren's corner, it was always fleeting. It only lasted as long as it benefited them. Chihaya was one exception, and so were Sojiro, Futaba, and the others. Yusuke had no familiarity with him, though, so he shouldn't have expected the same kindness.

Derailing his thought process was the old man's voice, which seemed to drip with hatred when he addressed Ren. "I've been looking for you."

"I'm not working right now," was Ren's simple answer. If he wanted to discuss money matters, he could wait until Ren got to his street.

Annoyance joined the disdain on the old man's face. "I would rethink that," he snapped. "I was intending on doubling your previous rate this time."

Ren blinked. "Doubling?" he croaked. Not just doubling his normal rate, but doubling his _last_ rate. Doubling the _90,000 yen an hour payout_ he'd gotten just to sit and talk with Yusuke? Had he really heard that correctly?

"Yes. Doubling. That is 180,000 yen an hour, if the numbers are too grandiose for your feeble little mind to comprehend," the old man mocked.

For a moment, Ren simply stood still, stunned at the thought of getting paid six times his normal rate to sit and talk to Yusuke. He still stood staunchly on the fact that he would _not_ be a part of any scheme where he ended up taking Yusuke's virginity. If things went the same as last time, though, and they ended up just sitting in Yusuke's room, talking for two hours? If Yusuke _still_ went to bat for Ren and insisted he got his pay? That would be 360,000 yen in total, just to talk. Then, he could _definitely_ afford to pay off his student loans, and he could find a new apartment in Yongen-Jaya! He could finally get out of the Leblanc attic! He would have to be an _idiot_ to turn that down.

Before he could agree, Chihaya's voice rang out from next to him. "Hey, there's no reason to treat him like he's stupid!" she snapped. "If ya wanna hire him, maybe try bein' a little nicer instead!"

"It's fine, Chihaya." Not only was Ren used to insults like that, he really wasn't about to complain to the man who was about to throw 360,000 yen at Ren without knowing exactly how wrong he was about how Yusuke and Ren spent the time he bought.

Chihaya wasn't satisfied, though. She wasn't aware of the circumstance, and she had always hated it when people talked down to Ren around her. "No, it _ain't_ fine, Ren! There's no reason for him to—"

The old man huffed in irritation, waving Chihaya away like she was a pest. "If I required your opinion, I would have asked for an ignorant country bumpkin," he snapped.

"Hey, leave her out of this," Ren snapped back.

With an exasperated sigh, the old man leaned back in his seat, casting Ren a look from across the darkened limousine. "I believe she is the one who stepped into it," he pointed out. "I will assume this is your way of telling me that you're not interested?"

For a second, Ren considered telling the old man to go away; that it _was_ his way of saying he wasn't interested. Before he could, two thoughts sprang to his mind. First, he thought of the money. 360,000 yen was a _lot_ of money. More than Ren had ever seen at one time in his life. All of his debts, paid off. The possibility of getting his own apartment. All he would have to do to get it was spend a couple of hours talking with Yusuke. That brought him to the second thought: Yusuke himself. Ren hadn't been able to get Yusuke out of his mind, and he really wanted to see how he was doing since their last meeting.

Just as the old man was about to have his driver leave, Ren stepped forward and held his hand out to the door. "Wait!"

"I suspected as much," the old man mused with a grin.

Chihaya reached out, placing her hand on Ren's shoulder and trying to stop him. "Ren!" she called, her voice obvious in its frustration.

Shrugging her off, Ren waved toward her booth. "I'm fine, Chihaya," he insisted.

Ren stepped into the limo, and he could practically feel Chihaya's eyes on him from behind, silently pleading for him to change his mind, but he couldn't. He just... couldn't. Between the money and the chance to see how Yusuke was doing, the reasons to go heavily outweighed the reasons not to. He settled into the same seat as before, putting as much space between himself and the old man as he possibly could. As the limo pulled back into the street and started driving away, Ren watched Chihaya disappear into the distance, concerned eyes following the limo until she couldn't see it anymore.

"Just as I suspected," the old man crooned, "my plan worked brilliantly. All it took was sex with a common whore to bring Yusuke's inspiration back."

The insult didn't even really register on Ren's radar. All he could think of was exactly how thoroughly the old man had been tricked by their plan. A smug smile crossed his face. Yusuke's inspiration was back. He'd mentioned how much of a challenge the commission would be, but if the old man was to be believed, it seemed like he'd pulled it off. Quietly, Ren found himself wondering if he was working on his own artwork, too.

It seemed like the old man noticed something afoot, though. "Don't be so pleased with yourself. Your filthy body had nothing to do with his resurgence. It was my idea. You'd be wise to remember that."

"Never forgot it," Ren mused, his grin going wry.

For all intents and purposes, the old man was right. It wasn't Ren's body. No matter what Yusuke had told him, it probably wasn't anything Ren had done at all. Yusuke had always had it in him, he just needed to be reminded. Encouraged. All the stuff a sensei was supposed to do, but his obviously didn't. If the whole thing ended with Yusuke somehow thinking Ren had helped him again? Well, that was okay, too.

With an annoyed grunt, the old man poured himself another glass of champagne. "Don't be so smug. Remember your place. You are to let him do whatever he wants to do to you this time, are we clear? Whatever it takes to bring inspiration out of him," he ordered, before downing half of his champagne in one gulp.

Ren couldn't help but feel a little bit more smug, as he nodded once to the old man's orders. "Sure thing."

Whatever Yusuke wanted. Yeah, that was alright. The pair of them could sit and talk, Yusuke could tell Ren more about his art and maybe show Ren some more pieces again. This time, though, Ren would make sure not to forget to tell Yusuke how to contact him. He really didn't want Yusuke thinking there had to be payment involved for them to talk. Ren would be more than happy to talk, even without the yen involved. The old man rambled, reiterating his rules about how Ren wasn't to touch anything and wasn't to speak unless spoken to, and Ren tuned him out, watching Tokyo as it passed by.

Things would be the same this time, but they'd also be different. Ren would make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you wondering how they'll meet again: here you go! :D
> 
> Thanks to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations) for being an amazing beta and idea bouncer as always! This fic wouldn't be anywhere near as fun without you, my friend! ♥


	6. Chin Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _with your eyes closed watching a strange show play out in your head,_  
>  _but you were smiling somehow._  
>  _and your day froze and everyone in it sat still as a rose,_  
>  _but we were moving somehow..._  
> [chin up](https://open.spotify.com/track/6VfmQkelBEmwlb1WRei6qD) ;; copeland  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2xbyDw-Yyw) ]

Yusuke sighed. He sat on his futon with his sketchpad in his lap, eyeing the page in frustration. It had been two days since Madarame had given him his new commission. He was supposed to paint a city skyline for a dentist. There were more important details but Yusuke wasn't focused on them at the moment. In fact, he hadn't even started the commission yet. Ever since he met with Ren a week ago, he had one very distinct image in his mind, and most of his other art had been completely stagnant because he couldn't focus. In fact, he was starting to feel like he wouldn't be able to paint or draw anything again until he got it out of his system.

So, that was what he was doing. On his sketchpad, lay the familiar outline of the face which had been running through his thoughts for seven days. Every quiet moment he had, he couldn't help but let his mind wander back. That flawless skin, that roguish grin… even the slope of his nose was beautiful! And his eyes! Heavens above, his eyes! Behind the kindness he'd shown Yusuke that night, there was a flickering gleam of rebellion. It was the type of rebellion Yusuke wished he could find within himself; the type of rebellion with the power to inspire nations.

Capturing it on paper with a pencil wasn't easy, and Yusuke still wasn't satisfied. The image was burned in his mind's eye, but translating it into lines was proving to be quite a fruitless endeavor.

Wait, that was it! Perhaps in his mind's endless crusade to do the impossible, he'd managed to stumble across the right answer! Mere lines weren't anywhere near satisfactory to capture an image as beautiful as Ren's face. Sure, it was adequate. The image on the page cycled his thoughts back to Ren, and exactly how kind the young man had been to him. Still, it wasn't enough. Not even close to satisfactory when the mere thought of Ren brought a genuine smile to Yusuke's face.

The solution was so simple, he wasn't sure how he hadn't thought of it before. He stood quickly, ignoring the popping of his knees from being in the same position for so long, and rushed over to his easel. Setting aside the canvas for Madarame's commission, he gathered a new one and pinned his sketch to the wall behind the easel, for easy reference. Yusuke reached to his table, looking for the right pencil to start his preliminary sketch. Just as he picked one up, a sound caught his attention. Footsteps in the hallway. He froze. Last he knew, Madarame was out in town. Had he returned home so soon?

With his plans completely thrown out the window, Yusuke listened to Madarame's voice as it drew closer. He was rumbling commands under his breath, almost like he was chastising a student for something, and Yusuke realized he had to act quickly. He took the empty canvas down, then took down and hid his sketch of Ren, completely concealing any evidence of what he'd been doing. Suddenly, he found himself grateful that he hadn't managed to make any progress. If Madarame came in and saw him drawing Ren's face, he probably wouldn't be too pleased.

Madarame's voice drew closer, and he barked sharp commands to someone who hadn't spoken in reply quite yet. "You are to follow the exact same rules as last time," he demanded. "Do not speak unless he speaks to you, and do not touch him in _any_ way he does not invite. Are we clear?"

Even though the commands were anything but pleasant, Yusuke couldn't help but realize exactly what they meant. His heart leaped upward a little bit at the realization that Ren was here again, a realization which was only confirmed when Ren answered, "Yes, I remember the rules," in a tone which didn't hide his exasperation at all.

Yusuke lifted his palette, trying to make it seem like he was hard at work, but facing a blank canvas completely negated any possibility that Madarame would believe him. There was absolutely no doubt that Madarame would be furious with him for his lack of progress, but he could only hope his sensei would stow his anger around Ren. The last thing Yusuke wanted was for _Ren_ to hear him being berated for his failures. If Ren had any respect for him, it would completely disappear then. The realization made him frown and his body tense as the door slid open.

Madarame's footsteps echoed loudly through the atelier, and Yusuke turned to glance at Ren, ignoring Madarame's presence as best he could. It was difficult when he felt the judgment and anger radiating from Madarame like it was a physical presence.

"Blocked again," Madarame snapped. It wasn't a question, but an angry statement.

Worst of all was the fact that it wasn't true. Yusuke wasn't blocked. He was inspired for his own work, but he could never admit as much to Madarame... _especially_ not with Ren around. "Yes, sensei..." he mumbled instead.

It almost looked like Ren noticed his reaction. He watched from behind Madarame, concern in his eyes as he kept them on Yusuke, but he still didn't try to stop Madarame. Perhaps he remembered Yusuke's plea from the week prior. That was good. If he intervened, it wouldn't end well for either of them.

"Disappointing," Madarame declared, before leveling Yusuke with a displeased glare. "However, I anticipated it. After the response I got from the client for my mountain range—" From behind Madarame, Yusuke noticed a very confused and disapproving look on Ren's face when Madarame claimed the mountain range as his own— "I realized exactly how right I was about your problem, so I went out and hired _this_ again."

Yusuke blinked and frowned. It was a little surprising, the way Ren reacted to Madarame taking credit for the mountain range, when he didn't even react to being called 'this,' but Yusuke could barely compose his mind to comment on that at the moment. Instead, he found himself unreasonably angry _for_ Ren. His own fury lit a fire in his gut, setting his blood to boiling, and it was all he could do not to say something. Yusuke hated how Madarame referred to Ren as an object, and not a person. Perhaps more upsetting was the way Ren barely reacted. He didn't seem fazed by being spoken of with such disrespect, which made Yusuke wonder how often it happened.

Before Yusuke could make the mistake of speaking up, Madarame continued. "I have agreed to pay him a significant, substantial amount, and he has agreed to let you do whatever you want to him," he told Yusuke, waving his hand dismissively toward Ren.

Yusuke couldn't help a slightly conspiratory look from entering his eyes as he looked at Ren, and when Ren responded with an equally mischievous grin, Yusuke felt a small swell of pride. "Yes, sensei," Yusuke repeated, but this one was a little bit more confident than the last. Whatever Yusuke wanted. So, Ren would be paid his substantial amount to just sit and talk with him.

"I will be back in a few hours," Madarame announced. "I suspect you'll appreciate it if I knock this time."

With a nod, Yusuke answered, "Yes please."

As Madarame started toward the door, he paused to look at Ren. "Remember the rules," he rumbled.

Ren simply nodded, before stepping out of the way and letting Madarame leave the room. The door closed, and Yusuke sighed. He looked at Ren, the pair of them listening as Madarame's footsteps disappeared down the hall. Though Yusuke was still a little embarrassed, he was less embarrassed than last time. He rubbed his eyes, trying to dissipate some of the tension that had formed behind them, before glancing in Ren's direction.

While Yusuke didn't quite meet his eyes, he still spoke up. "I am terribly sorry you had to come back here," he murmured under his breath.

Shrugging, Ren answered, "I'm not."

Ren's answer forced Yusuke to meet his eyes, even as a warm flush crept its way across his cheeks. "I..." he paused, chuckling nervously, then restarted. "Wh-what I mean is... it can't have been pleasant listening to sensei this whole time. I've heard the way he speaks to you—"

"It's fine," Ren shrugged. "I'm used to it."

Yusuke's brows furrowed, and he shook his head. "It is not fine."

Again, Ren simply shrugged. "Try not to worry too much about it, alright? He's actually a lot tamer than some of the other people who've hired me, so it's really no big deal," he insisted.

No big deal. Yusuke frowned and sighed. Ren seemed so nonchalant about being called such horrible things, and it bothered Yusuke a lot more than it should have. What place was it of his to tell Ren what was and wasn't okay? Still, it didn't settle right. Ren was kind, and even if he _wasn't_ kind, no one deserved to be disrespected so heavily. Even though Ren's constant assurance not to worry had doused the flames of worry, it still felt like an ember was blazing; like the right breeze or the correct amount of prodding would stoke the angry fire right back to its former glory.

It seemed like Ren could sense his worry. "Seriously," he repeated. "Don't worry, okay? I'm good, and... coming here made it worthwhile."

Yusuke arched an eyebrow. "It did?" he asked.

With a nod, Ren shrugged one shoulder and chuckled. "I mean, yeah. _I_ think so, anyway. I had a pretty nice time talking to you last week. I'm not upset that I got to do it again."

The flush on Yusuke's face deepened. Oh. That was what Ren meant. Truth be told, Yusuke couldn't really find it in himself to complain, either. Getting to talk to Ren again meant that maybe, when Ren left this time, he wouldn't forget Yusuke. Maybe someone else in the world would remember that he existed. Ren wouldn't just be another fleeting acquaintance who Yusuke met just once. Twice, admittedly, wasn't a lot better. It didn't guarantee that Yusuke wouldn't be forgotten, but... as he looked at Ren, and the pair of them shared a smile, he had to believe Ren wouldn't just forget.

"I can't say I mind it too much, either," Yusuke agreed.

Ren chuckled and nodded. "There, see?"

It went silent again, but it was a strangely comfortable silence as Yusuke looked at Ren across the room. He looked different this time. It took a few seconds for Yusuke to pinpoint exactly what it was, but when he did, he smiled. Ren's hair wasn't as mussed this time. It was still a little bit messy, a purposeful but comfortable style which hung into his eyes, but it didn't look like it had been deliberately rumpled like last time. Plus, Yusuke noted with a silent hum, Ren was wearing glasses. They were quite fetching. Instantly he found himself quietly considering ways to incorporate them in his drawing.

By the time he realized how quiet he was being, a solid minute and a half had passed, and his face flushed even redder. "I'm sorry—"

Ren cut him off with a smile and a shake of his head. "Hey, there's no reason to be so shy around me, alright? We can do what we did last time, if you want. I did agree to let you do whatever you want to me, so if that turns out to just be, y'know, talking? Sounds to me like a pretty okay way to spend my night."

Yusuke couldn't help but smile. It solidified to him exactly how kind Ren was. In the back corner of his mind, Yusuke found himself wishing there was something he could do to repay Ren's kindness. He supposed Madarame was paying him, which was something, but... Yusuke wanted to give Ren something, too. That was when it dawned on him. In a brief moment, before Madarame had taken the mountain range painting to deliver to the commissioner, Yusuke had made sure to snap a photo of it. He wasn't sure why he'd done it at the time, but he'd dismissed it as the vague hope that maybe he'd get to see Ren again. That hope turned out to be true, so what better time was there to hand the photo over?

"That reminds me!" Yusuke declared eagerly. "I have something for you."

Ren looked confused for a second. "Huh? How did that remind you of—"

Cutting him off by rushing across the room, Yusuke pulled a drawer open and started rifling through it. He had to hide it deep in the drawer, because Madarame would never approve of him keeping a memento of a commissioned piece of artwork. Yusuke had never been allowed to keep any sort of memento of the hand had in creating the paintings Madarame sold, which made Yusuke all the more grateful to be handing this particular photograph over to Ren.

When Yusuke found the photograph, he looked it over quietly and hummed to himself. It wasn't a perfect shot. In fact, it wasn't even a very good one. The lighting was off, because his atelier didn't really afford good lighting opportunities unless it was the middle of the day and all the curtains were lifted, plus the photo's composition was horrible. Still, Ren's influence was clear. Yusuke had done his best, and he was fairly certain he'd actually managed to make the mountain forest into a crystallized fantasy paradise, just like Ren had recommended. With a nervous smile, he crossed the room again and stopped in front of Ren.

"Here," Yusuke spoke nervously, offering the photograph to his friend.

At first, Ren looked confused. He stared at Yusuke's outstretched hand for a few seconds, before reaching out to take it.

In doing so, his fingers brushed against Yusuke's just slightly, and the sudden brush of contact took Yusuke by surprise. Touch was almost foreign to him. Most of his life was solitary, spent with Madarame either forcing people not to talk to Yusuke or with people like Madarame's other students willingly keeping Yusuke at arm's length. Madarame didn't really touch him, either, so the feeling of someone else's hand touching his own was strange. Ren's hands were softer than Yusuke would have expected, and warm, and the fleeting brush of contact was shocking to him.

A brand new wave of red rose to Yusuke's cheeks. Not only because of how embarrassing it probably was to feel so shocked by touch around someone who was probably the exact opposite of him in that regard, but because now that their hands weren't touching anymore, Yusuke wanted to feel more. When he looked up, he saw Ren staring down at the photograph, completely unfazed by their skin coming into contact, and it reiterated exactly how weird it was for him to have been so taken aback by something so simple. Maybe Madarame was right about him. Maybe he _was_ weird.

Before Yusuke's mind could spiral down any further, Ren spoke and caught his attention. "The mountain range." When Yusuke met Ren's eyes again, he was surprised to see a smile on Ren's face.

"Y-yes," Yusuke stammered. "As you can see, I took your advice. Sensei seemed quite pleased."

Ren nodded and glanced over his shoulder toward the door. "Where is it? Is it somewhere in the house? Maybe I can look for it when I leave today," he suggested.

Yusuke shook his head and laughed nervously. "Oh, no. It's long gone. The client took it home on Monday, I believe," he mused. "If you want to see it now, I think it is hanging in the conference room in the diet building. Perhaps not an easy adventure, but..."

"You sold it?" Ren asked, a little disappointed.

With a nod, Yusuke shrugged. "Well, sensei sold it, anyway," he answered. "That's how things work here. He takes the commissions, I paint them, and then he sells them."

At first, Yusuke was surprised to see Ren's brows furrowing. Then, he remembered how strange the arrangement probably sounded to people outside of the situation. It was just the way things were for Yusuke, though. He owed Madarame far too much to ever really be able to repay in any way other than with his artwork. It wasn't ideal. Yusuke wasn't overly fond of it himself, actually. It was just... the way things had to be.

"Well, you must have made a really nice chunk of change from it, at least," Ren mused with a shrug.

Shaking his head, Yusuke laughed bitterly. "Not exactly," he answered. "Sensei keeps the money. I live here rent free, receive free meals, and as many art supplies as I could possibly need, but in turn, sensei gets to keep what I make on his commissions."

Ren was quiet for a long time. It looked like he was trying to piece the situation together in his head, thinking about what he was hearing and trying to make sense of it. There were crucial bits of the situation he was missing, of course. There were things Yusuke wouldn't—no, _couldn't_ —tell him; things he hated to think about, like exactly how forfeit his life truly was, and how without Madarame, he would really have no one. For his entire childhood, Madarame had taken care of him, had taught him to paint, had given everything he needed to succeed. Sometimes, it felt wrong for him to still be stuck here at his age, but it wasn't as though he could just leave. He still owed Madarame too much.

"How old are you?" Ren asked him.

The question seemed so random, that all Yusuke could muster in reply was a shocked, "Excuse me?"

With a soft, self-deprecating chuckle, Ren backpedaled a little bit. "Oh. Uh, I'm... sorry. I was just curious. You're an adult, right?" he asked.

Yusuke nodded. "Yes. I turned twenty-five very recently. Why?" he asked.

With a nod, Ren hummed thoughtfully. "Okay. So, you're an adult. Then, why are you staying here painting things that aren't even your own for a man who doesn't even give you a share of the profits? Is the old man your dad?" he asked.

Blinking, Yusuke shook his head. "No. Madarame is simply my teacher. He taught me everything I know, and—"

"I mean, if he's selling your work, it isn't like he's teaching you anymore, right?" Ren asked.

As much as Yusuke wanted to answer, he couldn't. The truth was, Madarame hadn't actually taught him anything in years. Instead, he'd turned to harsh criticisms of Yusuke's work, when Yusuke was only really doing exactly what Madarame had taught him to do. Most of the time, he would get mad at Yusuke if he _did_ as Madarame taught him, but even angrier if Yusuke dared to try to put his own spin on things. It seemed like Yusuke truly couldn't win anymore.

"It just seems... wrong," Ren continued. "Almost criminal, actually. Something like this should be hanging in a museum, or somewhere to make you millions of yen every time someone looks at it. Then there's your original work. That vortex painting you showed me before?"

Yusuke's eyes turned toward the corner of his room, where he hid the vortex painting so Madarame wouldn't know he'd actually finished it. "N-no. That's not... it's not that good. I could never—"

Ren didn't let him finish, though. "No, it is," he insisted. "You could. I'm not an art critic or anything, but I've seen enough art to know when I'm looking at something that belongs in a museum. Your work belongs in museums, Yusuke. You should at _least_ be getting paid for it."

With a bitter sigh, Yusuke looked at the floor and raked his teeth over his lip. As much as Yusuke wanted to tell Ren that he was fine with how things were, it really wasn't true. However, it wasn't like he could just pack up and leave. It was much more complicated than that, and the only way he could truly make Ren understand was to tell him. No matter how little he wanted to, no matter how pathetic it made him feel, if he wanted Ren to understand why his life and his art could never really be his own... he had to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, the boys are together again! Let's hope this one ends happier than last time, huh?
> 
> Thanks again to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for being an awesome beta! You should all go read her amazing fic! Especially [Operation Moonfall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17977424/chapters/42463739)!


	7. Toes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _if i were to hide out on the sea,_  
>  _you'd be whispering from the westerlies._  
>  _in any book I'll ever read,_  
>  _you'd be the line that sticks out to me._  
> [toes](https://open.spotify.com/album/1Z0ZOZNWkvkHyqAKEuaEB0) ;; lights  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4JABTb6v7k) ]

Ren was beyond baffled by what Yusuke was telling him. If he understood as well as he thought he did, it was really messed up. Yusuke produced gallery-quality paintings for the old man. If Yusuke sold one himself, he could make more money than the old man was paying Ren tonight. Instead of selling them for himself, though, he readily, willingly gave his museum-worthy art to the old man, who sold it and pocketed all the money. In return, Yusuke got rent-free living and art supplies, which he was only really allowed to use to serve the old man. It seemed wrong.

In Ren's head, it almost sounded like Yusuke was a slave.

As soon as Ren finished going over the situation in his head, he raised his eyes to look at Yusuke again. The somber expression on Yusuke's face was really upsetting. He looked so ashamed, embarrassed. It was infuriating, how someone so talented could feel so ashamed just because some greedy old asshole saw fit to use him as an art slave.

Yusuke crossed the room, leaning against the wall to rest. Only then did it really occur to Ren, exactly how empty Yusuke's room was. The only place to sit was a chair pushed into a small table, covered with drawing supplies. He had an old TV, which looked like it didn't even work, and nothing else to entertain himself with. Even his bed was simply a roll-out futon. The room looked a lot more like a workshop than a bedroom, but it was the only place Ren ever really saw Yusuke, so he had to assume it was where Yusuke slept, too. Nothing about this felt right. Yusuke should have had the world at his fingertips, the money to do whatever he wanted. He deserved better.

"It isn't... quite so simple, Ren," Yusuke finally answered as he ran a hand through his hair and pushed a few stray pieces which had fallen from the tiny bun from eyes.

Ren understood things not being simple. Not simple was pretty much the symptom of his whole life. "Never is, is it?"

With a bitter laugh, Yusuke shook his head. "Sadly, no," he answered, leaning his head back against the wall and glancing up at the ceiling.

Honestly, Ren would have given anything to know what he was thinking right then. It was strange to think, because Yusuke's thoughts were really his own business, but it seemed like he was having a hard time saying what he was thinking. Ren leaned his back against the opposite wall and sat down, crossing his legs in an open butterfly. "What's not simple about it?"

When Yusuke noticed Ren sitting on the floor, he sank to the floor as well, sliding down the wall and hugging his knees to his chest and leaning his head against them. For a second, it didn't look like he was going to answer Ren's question, but eventually, he looked up and met Ren's eyes from across the room. "I owe Madarame a lot," he explained. "Much more than I could conceivably repay."

Ren arched an eyebrow. "Enough to warrant him claiming your art as his own and never giving you credit for it?" he asked.

"Yes," Yusuke answered, too quickly. Ren watched him for a second as lifted his head and leaned his chin against his knees. After a few more seconds of silence, and in a far more subdued voice, Yusuke spoke again. "Maybe..."

Frowning, Ren murmured, "It sounds like you aren't sure."

Darting his eyes away from Ren's gaze, Yusuke shook his head sharply. "How I feel doesn't matter." His voice sounded hollow, like he didn't really mean what he was saying, but it was something he'd been told enough times that he'd started to believe it. His posture, the way he shrank in on himself and tried to make himself as small as possible, spoke louder than anything he could say aloud.

"It does," Ren countered.

Yusuke shook his head. "No," he answered blankly. "I wouldn't have a home, if not for Madarame. I wouldn't have any of my art skills if not for Madarame. I would be nothing without his assistance. I truly owe him everything."

The way Yusuke hugged his knees and tried to hide his face was truly one of the most heartbreaking things Ren had ever seen. He looked so alone, so miserable, like he really had no one in his corner. Ren stood without thinking, then crossed the room and sat down next to Yusuke. He didn't sit close enough to crowd him, nor did he make any sort of show of his movement, he just sat a foot or so away from Yusuke so they didn't have to yell across the room at each other. Yusuke didn't seem to notice at first. He still hugged his knees and buried his face, embarrassment keeping him quiet.

When Ren spoke again, his voice was a lot quieter. "So, you're saying that makes it okay for him to steal from you?" he asked. "That doesn't seem fair to me."

Yusuke looked up again, his face contorting in surprise at how close Ren was now. It faded quickly, though, and he shook his head glumly. "Life isn't fair."

Ren managed a flat, emotionless chuckle at that. "Life _isn't_ fair," he agreed.

"That's what sensei tells me all the time, anyway. Life isn't fair. He always reminds me how lucky I am that he was willing to take me under his wing and teach me what he has. Then, he reminds me how many other students here would kill for the chance to be where I am. That's why I have so much more work to do than they do." Yusuke leaned his head against the wall, but still turned to look at Ren.

So, it was even worse than Ren thought. Not only did Madarame pile his commissions on Yusuke, but he piled _most_ of his commissions on Yusuke. To Ren, it sounded more like Madarame owed Yusuke everything, but he was almost positive Yusuke would never see it that way. Ren frowned, glancing around the room at all the paintings. How many of these were things that Yusuke actually wanted to do, and how many of them were things the old man had thrown at him, demanding his compliance because of some stupid debt which, in Ren's eyes, had been paid and then some?

Yusuke sighed. "I'm fine, Ren. Don't worry about me."

Ren's frown drew lower. Yusuke said that like it was easy; like Ren could just flick a switch and suddenly stop thinking about how unfair this was. Idly, he found himself wondering if Chihaya felt this way every time Ren told her not to worry. Granted, his situation was different. He wasn't forced into servitude by some rude, ungrateful old man who probably wouldn't rest until he was bled dry. Still, maybe he'd have to find a new way to tell her he was okay from now on. When Ren glanced back in Yusuke's direction, he instantly noticed that Yusuke was watching him. There was something appraising in his expression, which was a little bit weird. Maybe he was searching for something? Ren wasn't quite sure. Whatever it was, he could honestly say he didn't mind Yusuke looking at him like that.

In turn, Ren examined Yusuke's face. There was something strange about his expression. It was more like a friendly gaze, than the way clients usually looked at him. In a way, it made sense. Each time they'd met, Yusuke treated him more like a friend than a whore. They talked like new friends, and Ren had already seen what he assumed was Yusuke's worst.

Curiosity shone in Yusuke's eyes; the soft flicker of unasked questions bubbling just under the surface. Ren wasn't exactly an expert on psychology, but he'd read a lot of people in his lifetime, and he could usually tell when someone wanted to ask him something. If the way Yusuke kept looking at him, then away, then back, was any indication, he was curious about something.

"You look like you want to ask me something," Ren finally asked.

Yusuke's attention snapped back to Ren, suddenly surprised all over again, and looking like he'd been caught with his hand in a cookie jar. He bit his lip, and his cheeks flushed a little bit as, once again, he tore his eyes away from Ren. Embarrassment flooded Yusuke from head to toe, and it looked like he was seconds away from shrinking in on himself again.

Ren placed a hand on Yusuke's shoulder tentatively. "It's okay," he offered. "If you ask me something I don't want to answer, I'll just tell you."

Though Yusuke still looked hesitant, he nodded. He turned his attention back to Ren again, smoothed a hand through his hair, then said, "I suppose." After a beat, where it looked like he was deep in thought, he finally spoke up again. "I was just wondering... how you became..."

"A whore?" Ren asked.

Yusuke shook his head vehemently. "No! No, I wouldn't call you—"

Shrugging, Ren pointed out, "It's what I am."

There was something strange in Yusuke's expression again, and Ren didn't really understand where it came from. His eyes almost looked angry, and Ren wondered why he looked so mad when he was fully aware that Ren was speaking the truth. No, they hadn't slept together either time Ren had been here, but that didn't change that Ren was a whore. He slept with people for money, and he had done so for almost nine years. It wasn't offensive if it was a fact.

"No," Yusuke protested. "I... I won't call you that. I'm just curious how someone like you fell into the profession."

Ren was confused by Yusuke's phrasing, and the way Yusuke _still_ refused to call him what he really was. It was just as simple as calling a spade a spade, which was why it never really bothered Ren too much when other people said it. It was also a little confusing, how hesitant Ren was to tell the story. It wasn't a pathetic sob story, but the thought of telling Yusuke how many times he'd screwed up was honestly nerve-wracking in a way Ren never would have anticipated. Maybe it was because, once Yusuke knew, that camaraderie Ren saw in his eyes would be gone. It was stupid. He wasn't supposed to get attached to clients, and he definitely wasn't supposed to tell them his whole life story.

If he just gave the minimum details, maybe he could get out of it with his reputation—and that look in Yusuke's eyes—still intact.

"It's... not that interesting," Ren finally answered, cursing himself because that wasn't what he wanted to say at all.

Yusuke frowned. "I see," he murmured, disappointed.

Damn it. It probably looked like Ren was hesitating because he didn't trust Yusuke. Sighing, he turned to look back at Yusuke with a bitter laugh. "It's almost a stereotype, actually. I just... ran into a string of bad luck. I needed more money than I was making, and while I'm working this job, even on bad nights I can make about 30,000 yen a night, so..." he trailed off.

It wasn't even close to the whole truth. He didn't explain how he'd sold himself for the first time in high school—2000 yen for a blowjob on the school's roof—and how the word had spread, eventually leading him to be kicked out of his parents' house for being gay. He didn't tell the million other pathetic mistakes he'd made between then and now that led to him having this secret life that none of his close friends or family even knew about.

He didn't, because he couldn't. He couldn't, because he didn't want to. He didn't want to, because he was terrified. And the fact that he was terrified… did nothing but scare him even more.

"It's not some sob story, I promise."

It was only a half-lie. Ren didn't think his life was tragic. Everything that had happened to him up to this point, he'd done to himself. Every insult a client threw at him, every lie he had to tell to Makoto to keep her from finding out, every person who got too rough or called him names… he had no one to blame but himself.

The silence was honestly more strangling than anything else Ren had experienced before, so when Yusuke spoke up again, Ren was immediately relieved. At least until he heard what Yusuke said. "You don't have to tell me."

Ren arched an eyebrow. "I did tell you. I just... ran into some bad luck, and—"

Before Ren could finish his explanation, Yusuke spoke up with a bitter half-smile. "Ren, I am an artist," he pointed out. "While I don't have a lot of experience with people, I have trained myself to both pick up and create hidden depths in someone's gaze. There is something you don't wish to say, and that is absolutely fine. You don't owe me or anyone else any explanation."

It was Ren's turn to look away, casting his eyes to the floor and laughing bitterly. "Thanks," he muttered.

Afterward, the mood felt a bit heavy. Ren was fully aware that it was his fault. Honestly, Ren wasn't sure why it was so hard to tell Yusuke the truth. Yusuke should have been different from Makoto, or Ann, or his other friends. He already knew Ren was a whore, so Ren didn't quite understand exactly why he was so hesitant to go into the nastier details. It was infuriating, and a little bit worrisome at the same time. Shaking it off quickly, Ren stood up and walked over to Yusuke's easel and pointed at the blank canvas. Maybe the right thing to do here was to backpedal to before things got awkward. At the very least, they could talk about Yusuke's art.

"So, what's this going to be?" Ren asked.

From his spot on the floor, Yusuke chuckled bitterly. "Another commission," he explained as he stood up. "I am expected to paint a city skyline, which will hang in a dentist's office. I haven't narrowed down what city to paint, however. Madarame says the client demands the city be a foreign one, which complicates matters. I've never been out of Japan, which I suppose means I should research, but I don't really know where to begin."

Ren hummed to himself, before turning to look at Yusuke. "I've been to New York City," he offered, like it would be any help. "It was a long time ago, but I still remember it pretty well."

A flicker of interest lit Yusuke's eyes up. "Really?" he asked.

"Mmm," Ren answered. "It's beautiful at night. I stayed in some massive hotel—I think they said it was the tallest one in the city—and we were on the top floor, because my parents were in the presidential suite for some massive business meeting that I couldn't really have cared less about if I tried."

Yusuke laughed, and Ren couldn't help but laugh, too.

When Yusuke turned to look at him, silently urging him for more information, Ren continued. "I remember, while they were at their meeting, I was out on the balcony at nighttime, and I looked out and felt like I could see lights for miles," he smiled at the memory. "There were so many colors... and it almost felt like a laser light show made just for me."

"That sounds magical," Yusuke whispered.

Ren nodded. "It was," he mused. "I walked over to the edge of the balcony and leaned over until I couldn't see the railing. It felt like I was flying. I couldn't see the stars, but the lights more than made up for it."

The smile on Yusuke's face made him look about ten times more attractive. "I would love to use some of that imagery in my skyline. May I?" he asked.

"Sure," Ren said. "If you think it'd help."

Yusuke nodded eagerly. "It would, very much. I would love to work on it right now, so you could be there to tell me what does and doesn't look right, but I suppose that would probably blow our cover in regards to the fact that we aren't actually..." He trailed off, his face turning bright red as he turned his head away from Ren.

The fact that Yusuke couldn't even say the words 'having sex' told Ren a lot about how repressed he was. As concerning as it was, it was also pretty endearing, how shy Yusuke was about the concept of sex. Ren wasn't really used to this level of shyness. His friends didn't really talk about it much, so they didn't count. The way Yusuke flushed, turned as red as he possibly could as soon as the conversation steered in the _direction_ of sex was one of the most adorable things Ren had ever seen. He didn't call attention to it, though. Instead, he just smiled to himself and turned to glance back at Yusuke's blank canvas.

"When I was there, I took some pictures. I wish I had them with me," Ren mused.

Humming softly, Yusuke nodded. "Perhaps next time. If... if there is one," he added somberly.

If there was one. Ren drew his brows together and pursed his lips. He really didn't want to leave that to chance. So, with a little smile, he turned to look at Yusuke. "Well, if you want, you can come and see me at my day job instead."

Yusuke seemed taken aback as he turned to look at Ren. "You have a day job?" he asked.

"Yeah, of course I do," Ren nodded. "I work at a coffee shop in Yongen-Jaya, and I also live above it, though I'm looking to move into my own apartment soon." Sooner now, with the pay he was getting from the old man tonight. "I-if you wanted to come by sometime, I could find the pictures at the end of my shift and go over them with you."

Ren's own stammering took him by surprise and upset him a little. Never, in twenty-five years of life, had he ever stammered, and he wondered why in the hell he was starting now. It was a little frustrating, exactly how weird he felt around Yusuke. He didn't really get it. Shaking it off quickly, he tried to build his usual confidence back up and flashed his friend a smile.

It didn't even seem like Yusuke had noticed. He looked too surprised. "Are you certain?" he asked.

Arching an eyebrow, Ren nodded. "Yeah?" It was phrased like a question, because he wasn't sure exactly what Yusuke was asking him for.

"You'd invite me to your home?" Yusuke asked.

Ren was still a little confused, but then a tiny voice in the back of his head started trying to tell him that he'd overstepped; that Yusuke didn't really want to visit and was trying to let him down gently. "I mean... you don't have to come if you don't want to," he pointed out. "I was just—"

"No!" Yusuke spoke so sharply that Ren jumped a little bit. "I mean... yes! Yes, of course I would like to. I was... I was simply surprised you wanted to invite me, I suppose."

With a soft chuckle, Ren shrugged. "Might be nice to meet up somewhere other than your room when we're 'having sex,' right?" He grinned wryly.

Yusuke simply blushed in reply, and Ren couldn't help but smile. He really did look hot as hell like that. Afterward, they exchanged cell phone numbers, and Ren wrote his address on a piece of paper which Yusuke promptly stored in the same drawer he'd taken the photo from. A safe spot, Ren assumed, which worried Ren all the more but also helped him come to a decision. No matter what the old man put Yusuke through, Ren would make Leblanc a safe place for him. Leblanc could be somewhere he could go when he needed to unwind; when he wanted to work on his own sketches or speak his own mind without Madarame there breathing down his neck.

Even if Ren wasn't the best person to help him find himself, at the very least, Ren could provide him with a place to _be_ himself. Yusuke deserved it, and he didn't deserve to feel alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we have it. Now those Shukita boys will be able to see each other outside of these terrible circumstances! ♥
> 
> Thanks, as always, to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations), for reading and for helping with plots and when I hit walls! You're the best, ma'am!


	8. Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i'm mesmerized, i'm hypnotized by you._  
>  _earth shaker, breath taker; but i'm not through_  
>  _you let me know when you wanna come around again..._  
> [chances](https://open.spotify.com/track/5WoQpajQEzCyWz5oCy4n9S?si=Gpd89UEcQvK78LsoQqPVCw) ;; anchor and braille  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7i1ndLZi4o) ]

"Need I remind you where you would be without me?" Madarame snapped, pulling the painting from Yusuke's easel and replacing it with the barely-started sketch of the New York City skyline.

Yusuke frowned. "No, sensei."

As Yusuke turned his eyes toward the rejected painting, he fought back the urge to sigh. Ren had suggested that he channel his feelings about Madarame into a painting, something he could look back on afterward in the hopes of coming to terms with how he felt and what he wanted, but all the image on the page managed to do was confuse him further. On the canvas was the same shadowy figure he'd put in his vortex painting, with a rapidly creeping golden smoke surrounding him. The smoke wrapped tightly around the figure's throat, and some of it formed into little arrows, piercing into the figure's ears while the figure desperately tried to block it out.

The sound of Madarame's voice snapped his focus like a twig. "Have you forgotten that, without me, you would be forced to live on the street? Who else do you have to turn to?"

In the very corner of Yusuke's mind, he found himself wondering if living on the street would be the worst thing in the world, so long as he was away from Madarame. He knew, of course, that Madarame was right, but that didn't change exactly how miserable he was. He simply shook his head in response to Madarame's questions. He hadn't forgotten, and he had no one to turn to. It was as simple as that.

"To think," Madarame murmured, "your mother saw such great things for you, and here you are, failing both of us."

The words made Yusuke feel like he'd been hit in the chest. His heart ached, but the fire in his gut was stoked partially back to life with anger at the fact that Madarame remembered what his mother looked like when Yusuke couldn't. He'd been far too young when his mother passed, and each time he got too curious and asked Madarame what she was like, Madarame always responded angrily, asking Yusuke why he needed to know. There were no photographs of her in the atelier, at least as far as Yusuke knew—he wouldn't have even known if there were, because he didn't know what she looked like—and if there was any record of her at all, Madarame kept it tightly behind lock and key.

Yusuke was about to apologize for failing them both, when he noticed Madarame crossing the short distance between Yusuke's easel and where the shadowy figure's painting stood against the wall. As Madarame looked it over, Yusuke saw his expression in the reflection from the window and his heart sank. Anger seemed to double, and Yusuke subconsciously took a step backward, putting more distance between himself and his sensei.

"You've been wasting your time on these mediocrities again," Madarame rumbled, turning around to cast a glare in Yusuke's direction.

For a moment, Yusuke's voice was caught in his throat. He swallowed a lump as it formed, and finally spoke, in a strangled whisper. "Sensei, I—"

Madarame shook his head adamantly, then moved back to look at the city skyline sketch. "And you haven't even started on my commission. That whore was supposed to find your focus for you. I suppose he's as much of a failure as you, isn't he?"

The poke Madarame made at Ren's expense was almost like a stick being poked against dimming coals, causing Yusuke's anger to rise even higher. "Please don't bring him into this," Yusuke spoke, somehow managing to keep his voice calm. "Ren has done nothing—"

"Why are you filling your head with things like a whore's name, when you are supposed to be painting for me, Yusuke?" Madarame snapped, pointing angrily back at the city sketch. "You are absolutely right. He has done nothing. Nothing but distract you from what is really important. Perhaps I should seek him out and take back the money I wasted—"

"No!" Yusuke answered sharply, before realizing exactly what he'd done. He calmed his voice, tried to level his tone out, but instead it came out as a shaky plea. "Don't blame him, sensei. He... he has helped me more than you realize."

Madarame huffed. "I believe you mean that I have helped you more than I realize. I was the one who hired him. Did you forget?" he accused, his eyes narrowed maliciously.

Shaking his head sharply, Yusuke swallowed nervously. "No, sensei, I didn't forget," he insisted.

"There is absolutely no reason to defend a whore, Yusuke. He is not worth your time. If you think you were special to him, you are sorely mistaken. He was only here with you because I paid him," Madarame pointed out.

As much as Yusuke wanted to rebuke Madarame's claim, he couldn't. The only reason he and Ren had ever met was because Madarame had paid Ren for a service Yusuke hadn't even used. The only solace Yusuke could find was the knowledge that Madarame was wrong. He remembered Ren's words. _"Might be nice to meet up somewhere other than your room when we're 'having sex,' right?"_ The gentle look in his eyes and the way he'd spoken the words eased Yusuke's mind more than anything else. It allowed him to face Madarame with a little bit more confidence.

A little more confidence, and a little more anger.

Every time Madarame talked down to Ren, Yusuke's anger flared higher and higher. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Ren was so beautiful—so kind and gentle and friendly—that an artist like Madarame should have easily been able to see the beauty in him. He didn't even try. All he saw was Ren's profession. It made Yusuke feel ill.

Seeming satisfied with Yusuke's silence, Madarame grinned. "Good. It seems I've finally gotten through to you. Perhaps now you'll stop wasting your time on this nonsense and focus on what is really important," he snapped. "My commission will be done by Friday, Yusuke, or there will be consequences. Are we clear?"

Rather than telling Madarame how wrong he was, Yusuke simply nodded and watched while Madarame left the room in a furious flourish, casting one last glance at Yusuke's painting on his way. As soon as Madarame left, Yusuke looked around his room, at his own painting and then at Madarame's skyline. Between his frustration and his anger at what Madarame was saying, Yusuke felt the fire being stoked into full blaze. It grew, burning stronger and stronger until Yusuke was acting without thinking. He crossed the room, pulling Ren's address out of the drawer and picking up his small messenger bag filled with art supplies.

With a glance out his door, down both sides of the hallway, Yusuke deemed it safe and slipped out of his room. He sneaked quietly down the hall and past Madarame's room. Madarame was inside, talking on the phone with the skyline client. "Yes. Please don't worry. I've taken care of things. I will have it done by Friday."

Yusuke used the distraction to sneak past the door and down the stairs. Several of the younger students sat together in the common room, watching a movie and eating snacks. When Yusuke passed, they all looked at him suspiciously, before turning to whisper to one another. As much as that would have bothered Yusuke on a normal day, today it didn't. He was on a mission. He slipped past them, sneaking out the back door and rushing out the back fence. Outside, he felt like he could breathe. Madarame wasn't hovering. He wasn't forced to paint or draw things he didn't want to. It made him wonder exactly what it would be like to feel like such freedom all the time.

No use wanting the impossible, Yusuke thought to himself as he started a very stressful walk to the train station.

It was stressful simply because he kept looking over his shoulder, panicking, worried Madarame would follow him and stop him. Knowing that he had to look over his shoulder was strange. Yusuke didn't commonly go out like this without Madarame there with him, so being by himself was simultaneously freeing and terrifying.

Fortunately, Yusuke was intelligent enough to navigate the Tokyo streets on his own. As he headed into the train station, a soft breeze blew through the air, and the adrenaline which had been keeping him warm up to this point finally seemed to fade enough for Yusuke to realize that it was actually a bit chilly. It was almost springtime now, but it wasn't close enough for the weather to be warm. The realization that he'd left his jacket back at Madarame's house brought forth another unfortunate realization: he'd left his phone there as well. He had absolutely no way to contact Ren to inform him of this surprise visit.

In the back of Yusuke's mind, he realized that so many things piling up against him probably meant that he should have turned around and gone back to Madarame's house, but he couldn't. He didn't want to. It was stupid, it was selfish, and Yusuke probably should have felt guilty for it, but he couldn't bring himself to.

As soon as he boarded the train, a significant amount of tension eased out of him. If Madarame had followed Yusuke, he hadn't revealed himself yet, so Yusuke had the slightest sliver of hope to make it to Yongen-Jaya undetected. Even so, the train ride was wrought with its own level of tension. All of the worry he'd felt about being followed was now replaced with worry about whether or not Ren would be there when Yusuke arrived. Or worse, what if Ren was there, but he turned Yusuke away? Anxiety chilled the fire in his gut and knotted it up instead, causing Yusuke to wring his hands nervously in his lap for the entirety of the ride.

Yusuke was so caught in his own head that he almost missed the Yongen-Jaya stop. Instead, he had to rush out, causing his bag to almost get caught in the doors. Luckily, he managed to squeeze through. A pair of middle-aged ladies stared at him curiously as he doubled over, catching his nervous and ragged breath. With flushed cheeks, Yusuke ducked his head and continued to hurry out of the train station. The chilly air as he stepped outside caused him to shiver against his will, but he gathered the directions from his pocket all the same and continued to the coffee shop.

Being so far from Madarame's house by himself, without Madarame there to tell him where he could and couldn't go, was incredibly liberating. Yongen-Jaya was quaint and cozy, and much easier to navigate than the larger parts of the city. It seemed very homey and comfortable; like the type of place where Yusuke could truly feel safe. Now that he was far away from Madarame and all of his troubles, he didn't feel the strong need to look over his shoulder with every step. He didn't feel suffocated or oppressed.

In a place like this, everything he needed was in such a small area, and Yusuke found himself wishing he could live here. At the very least, he decided, he would make a habit out of coming to see Ren more often.

As Yusuke drew nearer and nearer to the address on the small piece of paper, he could smell the warm and soft scent of coffee wafting through the air. When he got closer, he picked up a second, strange smell. It was familiar, vaguely; obviously some kind of food. It was spicy, pleasant, warm... but he couldn't quite place it. Even so, it made him realize that he had yet to eat that day.

Yusuke stepped up to the front door of the cafe, and nerves tied his insides into millions of little knots. The same worries from the train crawled back up again. What if Ren wasn't there? What if Ren didn't want to see him? What if Ren didn't have time to see him? Forcing the thoughts from his mind with a shake of his head, Yusuke placed his hand on the door and slowly pushed it open. Ren had extended the invitation. He wouldn't have done so if he didn't want Yusuke to come.

The moment Yusuke stepped into the coffee shop, the aroma of coffee and curry almost tripled. They were scents which didn't typically mix, but as he breathed in the smell of the cafe, he found himself pleasantly overwhelmed and suddenly ten times hungrier. His stomach growled, along with the nerves knotting it up in a million different places, and he tried to silence it by placing his hand on top of it. So far, he hadn't seen anyone around. Music played from a speaker on the counter, but other than the music and the pleasant aroma, there was no sign that anyone was there.

"Is anyone here?" Yusuke finally dared himself to say.

Fortunately, a familiar voice came from across the room. "Be with you in a second!"

The sound of Ren's voice relaxed Yusuke more than it had any right to. So much so that he slid his messenger bag from his shoulder and up to the wall in the corner booth nearest to the window. For a moment, he considered sitting on one of the stools, but he didn't want to bother Ren while he was working. As he waited patiently, he took a look around the cafe and smiled. It was comfortable; warm. As much as he wanted to relax, he couldn't let himself. There was still a slight hint of fear that Madarame would come to find him. He was halfway across the city, and Tokyo was massive, so it was unlikely, but Yusuke couldn't shake the worry.

At least, until he saw Ren's face. The sight of his friend lifted his spirits completely, almost allowing him to forget the argument he had with Madarame. Almost. It was in the back corners of his mind, but he didn't let himself draw it out any further.

"Yusuke!" Ren greeted him with a smile. "I didn't expect you today! Did I miss a text?"

Oh. Yusuke's anxiety sprang right back up. Maybe he had shown up at a bad time. "No. I apologize for not texting, but I left my phone at home and the idea to come here was so sudden that I didn't... I couldn't..." he stammered, feeling heat rise to his cheeks again.

Ren shook his head and smiled. "Hey, don't sweat it, alright? I've got nothing going on today. Monday's a real dead day around here. Like, 'I probably won't see anyone until late evening' dead. Having someone around may make the time go by a little bit faster." His tone was even warmer and friendlier than it usually was. It was strange, but Yusuke couldn't complain even if he wanted to.

"Oh," Yusuke chuckled softly. "Part of me wants to say that's a good thing, but I would imagine it can get dreadfully boring."

Shrugging, Ren leaned his hip against the counter. "Only sometimes," he answered. "Some days, I put a movie on, or just settle into a booth to read once all my work is done. It's not so bad when I do that."

Yusuke's smile grew. "That sounds lovely."

"Yeah, it's pretty nice," Ren agreed. "Some days, it's so quiet that I can run upstairs and grab my laptop to surf the internet."

Upstairs. Yusuke turned his gaze to the other side of the coffee shop, where a staircase wound up to another floor. Ren had mentioned living above the coffee shop, and Yusuke couldn't deny more than his fair share of curiosity at what it looked like up there. It probably smelled like coffee and curry, with the same pleasant undertones of cinnamon or warm vanilla that Yusuke picked up from Ren, and it probably felt like the safest place in the world.

Ren's voice snapped him from his thoughts again. "Are you hungry? I just made some curry, and I can make you some coffee if you want."

"I'm afraid I only have enough money for the train ride back home—"

Before Yusuke could finish his sentence, Ren interrupted him with a grin and a shake of his head. "Did I say anything about money?"

The question took Yusuke off guard. "I... no, I suppose you didn't, but..."

"Don't worry about it, okay? Are you hungry?" Ren repeated.

With a soft breath of laughter, Yusuke nodded once and murmured, "Yes, very much so. I didn't quite realize it until I smelled your curry, though."

The grin on Ren's face grew. "Good. Be ready to eat some of the best curry you've ever had then. How long are you around for?" he asked.

That was a very good question. Yusuke paused. He hadn't really thought that far ahead, but he really didn't want to leave any time soon, so he raked his teeth over his lip in thought before answering. "I'm... unsure," he admitted. "As long as you'll allow me to stay, I suppose."

"Great!" Ren answered eagerly, his tone significantly different than what Yusuke was used to. This version of Ren was somehow warmer than the one he'd seen back at the atelier, and Yusuke found him all the more attractive this way. With a softer smile than Yusuke could have ever expected, Ren asked, "Do you want to stay for dinner too, then?"

Yusuke hesitated. If he agreed, Madarame would be furious when he got back to the atelier. It was a huge risk. Yusuke had never really done anything like this before. He'd never really had an inkling to leave without Madarame's permission, but something about the way Madarame tore into him today just pushed him over the edge. When he got back to the atelier, Yusuke wouldn't be surprised if Madarame locked him in his room, or something. A grown man, grounded. As humiliating a concept as it was, it was a distinct possibility. Still, at the moment, Yusuke really didn't want to be anywhere but here, with Ren.

If Ren was extending him an invitation to stay for dinner, he would have to be foolish to refuse. So, he didn't.

"If you truly don't mind, that would be wonderful," Yusuke finally answered, meeting Ren's eyes with a tentative smile.

As Ren turned back to the kitchen, Yusuke felt himself tense a little more. It was very strange, how much safer he felt with Ren there with him. Feeling safe and comfortable was a very foreign feeling to Yusuke. He didn't feel it at the atelier. Not even close. He'd gotten a taste of it both times Ren had been there, but it was fleeting. Here, with Ren, was the closest he'd ever felt to true safety. It only made sense that he would want to hold onto it for a little while longer, didn't it?

When Ren returned with a plate of curry and a cup of coffee, Yusuke couldn't help but smile gratefully. The food smelled amazing, and looked even better. Not to mention, it was significantly more food than Yusuke ever got at the atelier. Madarame made sure he had food, of course, but it was always portioned small; just enough to get Yusuke through to the next meal. He was often hungry, to the point that he found it difficult to sleep at night. Tonight, he wouldn't be hungry. Tonight, if this portion was any indication, he would go to bed with a full stomach for the first time since... before he could remember.

Ren pointed at the plate. "I should've asked first. Is spicy chicken curry okay? If it's not, I can make you something else real quick," he offered.

"No," Yusuke replied. "This looks delectable."

The coffee was black, but honestly, Yusuke didn't care. Some nights, he survived solely on coffee. Sometimes it was plain coffee. Most of the time, he liked to mix cream and sugar in with it, but if he couldn't, he would drink it plain.

Before Yusuke could take a sip, though, Ren stopped him with a raised finger, then stepped back toward the counter. "I have cream and sugar for the coffee too. I'll be right back."

Yusuke laughed. "You read my mind."

"I've been working here for a long time. I know what I'm doing," Ren answered with a wink from behind his glasses, and a grin.

The look on Ren's face right then made Yusuke's chest tighten in a strange way. His stomach flipped and twisted awkwardly as he watched Ren disappear behind the counter again. It was a strange, new sensation. Yusuke had read things about nervousness making people feel like this, but he'd never experienced it before. Tearing his eyes from Ren, Yusuke opted instead to focus on the food in front of him. It truly looked like the most appetizing thing he'd ever had before. When Ren reappeared—somehow balancing the cream, the sugar, a coffee cup for himself, and his own plate of curry—he set everything on the counter and then nudged Yusuke's plate a little closer to him, encouraging him to eat with a smile.

"I generally tend to only eat the dried cup curry," Yusuke admitted bashfully. "A warm, fresh plate of curry sounds like a dream."

Ren chuckled warmly and shrugged. "Not a dream if it's right in front of you," he pointed out.

Yusuke finally lifted his eyes, meeting with Ren's across the table. He chuckled softly, then murmured, "I suppose it isn't."

In the corner of his mind, Yusuke found himself wondering if he was talking about the curry... or about Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you wondering how the boys would meet again... hope you're pleased with this result! ;D
> 
> Thanks to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for being an awesome beta, an awesome plotting partner, and an awesome friend. You guys should go check out her demon AU, [Bloodbound](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18137045/chapters/42884339)! It's pretty awesome!


	9. Caught Off Guard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i don't know if i'm lovable,_  
>  _i don't know my own worth, but i know my soul..._  
>  _i'll wait my turn, i want to learn, i'm ready._  
> [caught off guard, floored by love](https://open.spotify.com/track/2IHY2AATiclxWgBDbfccGe?si=AVe0lp3rQZ2vxqTUJ5Opcw) ;; maria mena  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I77RICKvabg) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mariamena/caughtoffguardflooredbylove.html) }

Ren was genuinely astounded at how easy it was to talk to Yusuke. After they ate, they spent the next few hours talking about everything and nothing, all at the same time. Every now and again, Ren had to get up to tend to a customer and clean up after himself, but for the most part, they spent the whole afternoon and well into the evening talking. The conversation was all trivial; it was all about things with no real substance, but Ren found himself enjoying that all the more as he learned more and more about Yusuke.

What he'd learned, so far, was that Yusuke was one of the most open-minded people Ren had ever met. With the friends Ren had, that was really an achievement, but Yusuke managed to get there and then some. From what Ren had learned so far, if not for Madarame's rules, Yusuke would travel the world and experience everything life had to offer him. He had dreams, much like anyone else. The main difference Ren had noticed was that all his dreams were simple. Yusuke wanted to travel. He wanted to see the world, to see places like the snowy mountains and the sky-lit cities he painted.

It should have been well within the realm of possibility for him. He was a brilliant artist and he should have made more than enough money to fund any adventure he ever wanted to take. Thanks to his greedy teacher, who bled him dry and denied him any creative control over his art, he couldn't. It made Ren angry all over again.

Fortunately, they talked about more than just things that made Ren angry. They talked about normal things, like favorite music and television shows and films. Ren was a little bit surprised to learn that Yusuke had only ever been allowed to watch the "classics." Classic was such a loosely defined term when it came to movies; it was one of those things that every person saw differently. What was a classic for one person may not have been for the next one. His own "classics" were relegated to what Madarame believed to be classic, and as much as Ren wanted to be surprised by that, he wasn't in the slightest.

The old man's rules seemed to bother Yusuke a lot. As he explained that he was relegated to critically acclaimed films and television, all black and white and all very culturally plain, Ren shook his head in dismay. When he went on to explain that he was only allowed to listen to classical music, Ren's anger flared irrationally. Yusuke was a grown man, being treated like a child by a man who only wanted to use him.

"I really enjoy the music we're listening to now, though," Yusuke admitted, glancing toward the counter at Ren's Bluetooth speaker.

Ren nodded. "Yeah, I'm pretty into American music," he admitted. "I like some Japanese stuff, too, but I really like the sound of American rock and some American pop, too, as long as it isn't too peppy."

With a nod and a smile, Yusuke relaxed, taking another sip from his coffee before continuing. "I don't think a song has played here that I haven't enjoyed. Madarame seems to think that listening to things like this will restrict me, but I find myself inspired by some of it. There was a song playing a while ago, and even just the background music, without being able to understand the lyrics, gave me limitless inspiration," he admitted with a little smile.

"I can send you my playlist, if you want. So you can listen to it back at home," Ren offered.

Yusuke nodded gratefully. "I would appreciate that very much," he answered. "There is a film I've heard about many times while Madarame and I were out for art supplies. It's a few years old, so I wouldn't be surprised if it is no longer culturally relevant, but I believe it's about a day in America where murder is legalized, and—"

Grinning, Ren pointed at him and said, "The Purge!"

An eager smile crossed Yusuke's face as he nodded vehemently. "Yes! That's what it was called! I have heard people talking about it several times, and I wanted to see it, but..." He trailed off and frowned.

"But?" Ren asked.

Maybe it was somewhat conniving, but Ren thought that maybe, the more he forced Yusuke to speak up about the old man's less-than-pleasant actions, the more he would realize exactly how unhealthy their relationship was. A tiny voice taunted him, asking him how he was any better than the old man in that sense, but he promised the voice that he was only trying to help Yusuke take control of his life back from the old man.

Yusuke sighed. "Madarame wouldn't allow it. As I said, he would prefer it if I relegated myself to critically acclaimed classics and things that 'enrich my mind,'" he murmured in frustration.

"So, you haven't seen it, then," Ren commented.

Shaking his head, Yusuke answered, "Sadly, no."

A grin spread across Ren's face as he stirred some sugar into his own coffee. "Do you want to?" he asked.

Yusuke's eyes shot open. "Pardon me?"

Ren shrugged, lifting his mug in both of his hands and breathing in the pleasant aroma of his coffee. "I mean, if you _do_ want to, I have Netflix upstairs, so we can watch it tonight. Just, y'know. Hang out for a little while longer."

The hesitation on Yusuke's face didn't escape Ren's attention. His face went somber, and he stared at his coffee for a moment longer, like he was going over the options in his mind. Just as quickly as the hesitation took hold, Yusuke shook his head sharply and turned his gaze back toward Ren with a tentative smile. "That sounds wonderful."

"You don't seem sure," Ren admitted. As much as he wanted Yusuke to break his own barriers, he didn't want to put his new friend in danger.

Hesitation returned to Yusuke's features, and Ren frowned again. God, the hold the old man had on him was tight. Ren wanted to tell Yusuke that it was okay to live his life; that no matter what he owed someone else, it didn't mean he needed to forfeit everything and completely give himself over. He was a human being, not just an art robot. He deserved to see the world the way he wanted to. He deserved to be free to watch a movie with a friend without having to worry about what consequences would come from _daring_ to do something so scandalous and break some old, selfish bastard's rules.

It seemed like Yusuke managed to shake the hesitation off once more, because he met Ren's eye with a smile again. "No," he answered. "No, I'm sure. If you would allow me to watch the movie with you, I would be more than happy to."

Ren could still see the lingering haze of hesitation in his eyes, but he decided not to comment on it. Instead, he smiled and placed a hand on Yusuke's shoulder for a second, before he crossed the room to gather the carafe to fill their coffee cups. "Good," Ren answered. "I can make us some popcorn, and I have a whole bunch of other snacks and drinks upstairs. So, once I close for the night, we can go up and watch The Purge. Maybe we can make a thing of it! You come to hang out, we watch a movie. I can be your dangerous liaison to the world of contraband movies."

Meeting Yusuke's eyes with a sly grin, Ren winked as he started the coffee pot with more of Sojiro's special brew. The genuine smile on Yusuke's face was surprising, but definitely not unpleasant. Much to Ren's surprise, the way it lit Yusuke's eyes up even brighter managed to make Ren feel sort of flustered. His chest fluttered lightly and his cheeks heated up, and Ren found himself wondering what the hell _that_ was about. Nothing like that had ever happened to him before.

"See?" Yusuke asked with a little grin. "You _did_ broaden my horizons."

With a soft chuckle, Ren nodded his head. When he turned his back, though, his expression changed. He wasn't sure exactly what was coming over him. Not only was he inviting Yusuke up to his room, but he was inviting him to stay for dinner and a movie. Ren wasn't so blind that he couldn't see how date-like that sounded. It wasn't a date, obviously. It just sounded like one, that was all. Shaking his head, he fished his phone from his pocket. Originally, he was planning on going to Shinjuku tonight to try and save a little more toward a security deposit on a new apartment.

Yet, here he was, canceling his plans, just to spend more time with Yusuke. It was weird, but he didn't mind. Yusuke needed the distraction. All he really needed to do was tell Chihaya that he wouldn't be there tonight. If he didn't, she would worry.

Before he sent the message, Ren turned to glance at Yusuke. He was looking nervously out the window, down the street, before turning his eyes to glance toward the sky. To be honest, Ren completely understood the hesitation. Every day, he worried that someone was going to call the police on him and they would show up at Leblanc to arrest him for solicitation. All of Yusuke's hesitation, and the fact that he didn't even have his phone or his jacket, led Ren to believe that he wasn't supposed to be there. It made sense. Madarame would more than likely never willingly let him cross town just to visit with Ren.

Ren snapped his mind from the thought process and turned to glance at his phone instead. Quickly, he typed a message to Chihaya, telling her that he wouldn't be there tonight. Mere seconds passed, before he got a reply.

_A night off?! You know how to take those???_

The second Ren read the message, he rolled his eyes. _Har-har,_ he typed in reply. _Something came up, that's all._

Immediately, he saw Chihaya typing a reply, and he made a face. Of course, she would immediately worry. _You okay?_ she asked.

 _Yeah, just got some unexpected company and before you get all nosy about it, no I'm not going to tell you anything!_ Ren answered quickly.

_Oooo! Company! I expect details tomorrow!_

Ren rolled his eyes. _No._ The answer was simple, but he knew Chihaya would never take no for an answer.

As though proving his point, Chihaya's reply came quickly. _I'll get you to break. Go. Enjoy your surprise company. If he's cute, ask him if he's got any cute friends!_ she replied, and Ren could almost see the smug little smile on her face as she typed the message.

Again, Ren rolled his eyes as he slid his phone back into his pocket and picked the now-filled coffee pot up to bring it back to their table. When his gaze fell upon Yusuke, he couldn't help but notice that he'd taken some art supplies from his bag and started to draw something. _Drawing for himself. Good,_ Ren thought. He couldn't help but smile as he filled each cup, then returned the pot back to the carafe. When he got to the table, he placed a gentle hand on Yusuke's shoulder, then blinked in surprise when his friend straightened up sharply and looked up like he was stunned.

"Oh! Oh, I'm..." Yusuke murmured, quickly closing his sketchbook before Ren could see what was inside. "I apologize, I just... a sudden burst of inspiration overtook me, and—"

Ren shook his head. "No, no. I should be apologizing to you. I was the one who jumped you," he told Yusuke as he slid into the booth.

With a soft chuckle, Yusuke shook his head. "I lose the world when I truly get inspired. If you hadn't interrupted me, I probably would have stayed here all night and halfway through the morning. Imagine how furious Madarame would be then," he mumbled.

Frowning, Ren rubbed the back of his neck and watched Yusuke take a slow sip from his coffee cup. Someone like Yusuke didn't deserve to have to worry about someone like Madarame. The more Ren thought about it, the angrier he got. Shaking the anger off before Yusuke caught wind of it, Ren turned to look at him gently, placing a hand on his.

"Hey," Ren called.

Yusuke stared, wide-eyed, at their hands. He blinked a couple of times, then looked up at Ren, surprise lining his eyes. "Y-yes?" he asked.

Pulling his hand back, Ren shrugged his head to the side. "You're safe here, you know?" he promised Yusuke. "I know you're worried about Madarame's reaction, or maybe even that Madarame will show up here and drag you back with him, but I can pretty much promise you that you're safe here. This place is pretty unknown, and even if it wasn't, I don't think Madarame would ever suspect that you'd come here, of all places. As far as he knows, we just fucked, remember?"

Whether it was the words or something else entirely, something had Yusuke's cheeks flushing a deep shade of crimson. He tried to hide it by ducking his head and shrouding his face with a curtain of hair which had fallen from his ponytail, but Ren could still see it clearly. When he spoke up again, his voice was a low mumble. "Yes. I... I suppose you're right," he murmured softly.

Ren stayed silent, watching as Yusuke poured cream into his coffee and stared as the cream billowed up. He stirred two teaspoons of sugar in, and Ren made a mental note. Yusuke took his coffee with cream and two sugars. It was something to remember for down the road. Just as Ren was about to turn away and put the cream and sugar into his own coffee, Yusuke's soft sigh caught his attention. Ren looked up and met his friend's eye, his own needs suddenly forgotten. Nothing, really, was anywhere near as important as making sure Yusuke was okay, and he obviously wasn't.

"The truth is... I'm not supposed to be here," Yusuke murmured.

The words took Ren by surprise, but he didn't stop Yusuke from talking. It was pretty obvious that Yusuke needed someone to rely on, and if Ren could be that someone, he was more than happy to. So, he simply started stirring the cream and sugar into his own coffee, then listened intently to what Yusuke was telling him.

"Madarame is... utterly furious with me," Yusuke continued, his eyes focused on the table. "I've made no progress with the commission he requested of me, and he demanded that I work all week on it. I was willing to, of course, but then he started saying terrible things about you. I couldn't help it. I... I was so angry. I was just as furious as he was. Perhaps more. I just... left, Ren. I stormed out and didn't even tell him I was leaving. I slipped past him and stole away out the back door."

Wait. Was Yusuke actually saying what Ren thought he was saying? Ren's brow furrowed. "Because of... me?" he asked incredulously.

At first, Yusuke seemed surprised. "No," he answered, but then he paused, laughed nervously, and changed his answer. "Well... yes, actually. I suppose it was."

Ren wasn't sure whether to be pleased or upset. Ultimately, he decided to be pleased. "I guess if I'm part of the reason you actually took a part of your life back, I'm okay with it..." he answered. There was still a piece of him, worried about the consequences and if he was worth the risk, but for now, he allowed himself to be happy.

"No," Yusuke shook his head sharply. "It... it was a terrible idea. When I go back, I fear he will be even more furious with me. It was an impulsive decision, and I—"

With a smile and a shake of his head, Ren interrupted Yusuke's spiraling thought process. "And you're fine," he promised. "You wanted to research for your commission, Yusuke. That's all."

Arching an eyebrow in confusion, Yusuke asked, "What do you mean?"

Ren shrugged. "Remember what I told you the other day? How I had pictures from when I went to New York as a kid? I looked through the boxes when I got home that night and found them. So... if you go back with research, he can't get mad at you. Right?" It was a simple solution, and if Madarame was stupid enough to believe that they'd had sex both times they'd met up, he was stupid enough to believe this, too.

Yusuke's response was quiet, as he placed a hand on his chest and let the word come out with his breath. "You'd..."

"Of course I would," Ren answered.

There it was. There was the soft, warm smile Ren wanted to see. Just the sight of it made Ren feel strange. His chest felt tight; like his heart didn't want to fit inside anymore. It was really weird, and it felt like something Ren thought he shouldn't be allowed to feel. Warm. Soft. Feelings that didn't belong in a whore's heart. As such, he shook them off; forced them away into a lockbox in the center of his heart. If he let them grow, it wouldn't be good for him _or_ for Yusuke.

Yusuke nervously raked his teeth over his lower lip and glanced down at the table. "I truly don't know how to thank you," he admitted.

Ren shook his head. "You don't have to thank me," he insisted with a grin. "Just... stay for dinner and then come up to watch The Purge with me."

With that same warm smile, Yusuke ducked his head. "Very well," he agreed.

Though Ren was smiling, he couldn't help but glance down at the table in concern. The relationship he had with Madarame was dangerous and abusive, but if the way Yusuke talked about the situation was any indication, he didn't see it that way. Whatever debt he felt he owed seemed to Ren like it had been paid and then some, but the old man still lorded it over his head to force him into compliance. It was unfair. Yusuke deserved so much better than to feel indebted to a man who treated him more like a slave or a servant than any proper teacher-student relationship.

What could Ren do, though? He was just some whore Madarame had hired to seduce Yusuke, and he hadn't even done that properly. He was fully aware of how weird the circumstances behind his friendship with Yusuke were. He was lucky Yusuke was willing to look past what he was to be his friend. There was no way Yusuke would listen to him, of all people, to see his self-worth.

Someone like Ren, preaching self-worth? The thought itself was hilarious.

Instead, Ren decided to do the only thing he _could_ do, and that was to make the time Yusuke had away from his manipulative sensei as good as it could possibly be. If he could show Yusuke what feeling happy and good was _actually_ like, maybe he wouldn't feel obligated to serve as some old man's art slave anymore.

At the very least, if Ren was good for anything, it was a good time. This time, the meaning was just a little different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whistles innocently* A movie night. :3 What could possibly go wrong?
> 
> Thanks, as always, to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for the beta and for the constant idea bouncing!


	10. The Only Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _oh, sad young man i think i need you,_  
>  _for reasons i don't know..._  
>  _i pledge myself to winter season,_  
>  _so it's perfectly on course_  
>  _that in the end it has to snow..._  
> [the only fault](https://open.spotify.com/track/2lQPzKgLgUmF1aLBj3DeL9?si=sI4l0Y_gQyiw71NByW0bBA) ;; rachael yamagata  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7if1jnhKpb4) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rachaelyamagata/theonlyfault.html) }

This was easily the most relaxed Ren had ever seen Yusuke. He sat on Ren's couch, in one of Ren's hoodies to fight off the last of the chill from the time he'd spent outside, with a full smile lighting up his face as he filtered through the photos from Ren's trip to New York City years ago. For the first time since they'd met, Yusuke looked like he was completely at ease, like he didn't have to hide anything. It was a wonderful look on him.

As Yusuke rifled through the stack of photos, Ren turned his TV toward the couch and sat butterfly style next to him. Admittedly, Ren was pleased. As sure as he was when he'd offered for Yusuke to look through the pictures, the thought that maybe they weren't what Yusuke needed made Ren hesitate. The fact that Yusuke was so pleased, that each new photo seemed to make him smile wider and wider, was more of a relief than it had any right to be. Another picture, a brighter smile, another weight lifted from Ren's shoulders. He leaned a little bit closer to look over Yusuke's shoulder and see what picture he was on.

It was a photo of New York from above, as the plane came down. Ren remembered his mother yelling at him to put the camera away, but he'd been so excited that he just needed to take one more shot. Now, twelve years later, the smile on Yusuke's face made the lecture he got from her worth it.

"So, this is New York City," Yusuke murmured as he flipped to the next picture.

Ren nodded and smiled, pointing at the picture in Yusuke's hand. "Yeah. That one right there is the Conservatory Garden in Central Park." The picture made him think of Haru, how much his friend would have loved it there. Maybe someday he could show her the picture.

Yusuke continued through the pile, passing a couple of shots Ren had taken of Broadway. The bitter memory of how much he'd wanted to see a show, how his parents refused to even entertain the idea, popped into his mind. The whole trip, other than the brief half a day he'd taken to walk around on his own, Ren had been relegated to the hotel and things his parents saw fit for him to do. The memory was bitter, and it was already more time than Ren ever liked to dedicate to thinking about his parents, so he quickly chased the thought away and watched as Yusuke flipped to the next photo.

"This was the view from your hotel room?" Yusuke asked, turning the picture toward Ren.

Ren hummed an affirmative answer. "Almost like you can see for miles, isn't it?" he asked.

In a quiet voice, Yusuke murmured, "Incredible!" and looked closer at the photo. "You weren't exaggerating at all! It looks like a laser light show just for you."

With a nod and a chuckle, Ren pointed at the stack. "And the next one down should be the view straight down from the balcony," he mused.

"How did you manage that?!" Yusuke asked, his voice a shocked croak.

Ren laughed. "I just... held my camera over the edge and snapped. My parents probably would've been pissed if they knew about that 'cause the camera was worth more than I could've ever paid my parents back if I dropped it." He paused, fighting a bitter wave of emotion at the memory of his father telling him as much, and insisting that if he broke it, he would have to pay for it. It was twelve years ago. There was no need to be bitter about it anymore. He shook the thought away quickly.

Luckily, it seemed like Yusuke didn't notice his abrupt mood shift. "It's so high up!" he commented.

"Yeah," Ren nodded. "It's about seven hundred and fifty feet up. Some of the buildings nearby were taller, as you can see from some of the other shots, but it was really cool being that high up. Thirteen-year-old me was obsessed with getting as many pictures as I could."

Yusuke turned to look at Ren with a smile. "I can only imagine," he admitted, as he turned back to the pictures.

The wonder on Yusuke's face at the sight of all the pictures from high up gave Ren an idea. The next time Yusuke came to visit, Ren decided that they'd take an adventure to an even taller building. All the pictures in the hotel were from his balcony, because the building itself didn't have an observatory. However, the Sky Tower in Tokyo was almost three times taller than the hotel, and it _did_ have an observatory. The view from the observatory was stellar. Once, Ren had visited on a clear night and been able to see all the way to Mt. Fuji. If Yusuke wanted to see a view from up high, there was no way it got better than that. He smiled to himself and turned back to glance at his friend again.

When Ren looked back, Yusuke was looking at another picture with a pursed-lipped smile on his face. "Is this you?" he asked.

Ren blinked sharply. _Was_ there a picture of him in there? He leaned in close again, taking a glance at the photo. Sure enough, there was thirteen-year-old Ren, with his ridiculous curly bowl cut and thick tortoiseshell glasses, giving the camera a peace sign with his back facing the city on the balcony. For a second, Ren felt a flash of amusement, but it was instantly eclipsed by a wash of bitterness. He looked young and innocent... happy. Ren wasn't sure he ever remembered being that happy. If that Ren could see what he'd become in just twelve years...

Quickly, Ren shook the thought off and forced a smile back onto his face. "Yeah, that's uh... that's thirteen-year-old Ren with his really horrible glasses and his really unfortunate haircut. Oh god, why didn't I burn that? I should've burned it," he joked.

"You're adorable," Yusuke insisted with a little grin.

Barking a laugh, Ren shook his head. "I had a bowl cut. A _curly_ bowl cut. It's never okay to have a curly bowl cut, Yusuke."

With a soft hum of laughter, Yusuke shrugged his shoulders. "Perhaps not, but I still think you were an adorable child," he persisted.

Ren couldn't help but laugh again. There was something genuine in Yusuke's smile, and Ren couldn't help but think that this version of Yusuke, this comfortable—maybe even a little bit confident—version of Yusuke, was somehow more attractive than any of the others. The look in Yusuke's eyes told Ren that he genuinely believed what he was saying; it wasn't just one of those 'cute kid' comments that everyone made. He probably shouldn't have been surprised. Everything Yusuke said was so earnest, so genuine. Yusuke really wasn't like other people, in the best possible way.

"So," Ren said instead, "do you think any of these can help you?"

Yusuke nodded vehemently. "Yes, very much so! Are you certain I can borrow them?" he asked.

Ren nodded. "Yeah, it's fine. You can keep them if you want. As long as you promise not to use thirteen-year-old me as blackmail or anything..." he added with a wry grin.

"I would never," Yusuke laughed.

They fell into a comfortable silence, Yusuke flipping through pictures and Ren searching through Netflix for The Purge. He wasn't sure what it was about Yusuke that made him feel comfortable enough to share bits of his history even his oldest friends didn't know, but somehow, that's exactly what he had ended up doing.

When he finally found the movie, they settled in to watch it. Truth be told, Ren was far more interested in what Yusuke thought than in watching a movie he'd already seen more than once, so he found himself focusing more of his attention on Yusuke than the movie. Even the news reports at the beginning of the movie giving background information on the history of purges over the years had Yusuke's full and complete attention. He was listening to every detail, memorizing every visual, seeming to log each thing away in the corners of his memory. Ren couldn't help but let his smile grow a little wider each time Yusuke gave a tic that showed how interested he was.

"Fascinating..." Yusuke murmured, leaning forward against his hand as he tilted his head to get a better look at the screen.

Ren chuckled fondly. "Leave it to you to find something fascinating in a motorized creepy charred baby doll, Yusuke," he mused.

Finally, Yusuke tore his eyes from the screen to glance at Ren. "I'm not sure I understand."

Shrugging, Ren eased Yusuke's worries with a soft smile. "Everyone else looks at the thing and sees creepy, but not you. It's not a bad thing, it's just... something else that's unique about you."

"Of course I do," Yusuke agreed with a nod. "There is, of course, the creepy factor. It's definitely creepy. However, there is also something fascinating and clever about it, don't you think? The toy broke, and whereas most children you see in movies would just get bored with it and throw it away, this boy used it to create something new."

Ren laughed. "Yeah, something he uses to be all Super Voyeur, to spy on his sister having sex and his mom's alcoholism..." he pointed out, leaning his elbow against the back of the couch and resting his head on his hand, casting a sidelong grin at Yusuke.

With a laugh, Yusuke nodded. "I didn't say his _use_ of the ingenuity was fascinating, just the concept itself."

As Yusuke turned back to the movie, Ren watched him again. His attention was singularly focused on the screen, and he seemed to be enjoying everything he saw. None of the ridiculous over the top acting seemed to bother him, nor did the questionable action in some spots. He seemed completely enthralled with the look of it. Every now and then, he would remark on the cinematography, and all the different aesthetics of different shots. Nothing about the violence fazed him, and the horror only jumped him a couple of times. Ren couldn't help but marvel at how much he was enjoying it.

In another moment of lull, Ren turned to Yusuke again. "So, you said you're only allowed to watch what the old man deems classics, right? Do you like any of them?" he asked.

Yusuke nodded. "Oh, yes! I've genuinely enjoyed many of the films I've watched. I like to watch theater productions, like Mes Miserable, and old comedies like Young Frankenstein. I'm also rather fond of The Birds, and a lot of Hitchcock's pieces."

"So, you like horror, then?"

Nodding eagerly, Yusuke smiled. "It can be quite thrilling to sit alone in a dark room and watch a good horror film."

Ren furrowed his brows. "Alone?"

"Yes," Yusuke answered simply.

It struck Ren as a little strange. Madarame had several students aside from Yusuke, didn't he? "What about the other students? They won't watch them with you?" Ren asked.

Initially, all Yusuke did was shake his head. He went quiet, reaching into the popcorn bowl and then hesitating. A quick glance showed Ren that there was only a little bit of popcorn left, and Ren encouraged Yusuke to eat it with a gentle smile and a gesture with his chin toward the bowl. Yusuke gathered the popcorn in his hand, deliberately taking his time to eat each piece slowly as he answered.

"Madarame's other students aren't... particularly fond of me," Yusuke explained quietly. "Do you recall how Madarame spoke of me before we met the first time?"

Ren remembered. Ren remembered well. At first, he'd been a little bit curious about the explanation and how strange it was. Now that he'd gotten to know Yusuke a little bit better, he was a little annoyed at exactly how _wrong_ the explanation was. In spite of himself, Ren found his hands clenching tightly in anger as he thought of the old man. "Yeah, I remember," he answered.

Sighing softly, Yusuke murmured, "I feel he must have told them all the same thing. They all keep me at arm's length and never really talk to me. I think I can count on both hands the number of words any of them have said to me over the course of all our years under the same roof." He wiped his hands on one of the napkins Ren had brought up, and glanced at the table. "It has made my life somewhat... isolated."

If Ren hadn't already hated the old man, that would've been more than enough to do it. "I kind of got the feeling that you were a little lonely," he admitted.

"Ah. Yes," Yusuke laughed bitterly. "I don't think I realized quite how lonely I was until I met you, though."

Ren quirked his head to the side. "What do you mean?" he asked.

A dusting of red flooded across Yusuke's cheeks as he flicked his eyes up to meet with Ren's briefly. "You are... the first friend I have ever had," he confessed. "You are the first person who has put so much time and effort into getting to know me, no matter how strange I am."

"I don't think you're strange," Ren reassured him. "I think you look at the world a little differently, but that doesn't make you strange. It makes you Yusuke."

Slowly but surely, the genuine smile came back to Yusuke's face. "The way you say that leads me to believe you think that's a good thing," he said with a soft chuckle.

With a shrug, Ren nodded. "I do. Your worldview may be a little different, but so what? It doesn't make you weird, or strange, it just makes you a really fun person to talk to." He smiled warmly, hoping the look on his face would reassure his friend.

"You really think so?" Yusuke asked.

"Yeah."

Yusuke didn't answer. Instead, he stared at Ren—Ren could feel the appraisal in his gaze—completely forgetting that the movie was still going on in the background.

Ren chuckled again. "You're a pretty cool person, Yusuke," he told his friend gently. "Anyone who can't see that just hasn't taken the chance to see through the old man's lies and get to know you."

"Madarame doesn't make it very easy," Yusuke countered sadly.

With a shrug, Ren rebutted, "Anyone worth your time would do it anyway."

"You're kind."

"I'm just being honest."

They both went quiet again, and Ren turned his attention back to the movie. He was only vaguely aware of what was happening. They were about at the halfway point now, when the group of Purge cultists gathered in front of the house in their masks. Yusuke was fascinated by the image, framing it in his fingers like Ren had seen him do to so many things before. Once he finished, Yusuke dug his fingers into the empty popcorn bowl, then hummed and made a disappointed face.

Ren laughed. "Hungry again?" he asked.

Yusuke shrugged. "It's okay. We're in the middle of a movie, and—"

"And," Ren spoke playfully, lifting the remote and hitting the pause button, "I have a pause button. It's alright. We're probably overdue for a coffee refill, right?"

Chuckling, Yusuke nodded. "I suppose I do need a refill," he answered.

Ren grinned. "Good. You don't have to come with me, if you don't want to. I shouldn't be too long, and you can—"

"No, it's okay," Yusuke refuted. "I can keep you company while the coffee brews."

After they stood, Ren stretched his arms up over his head and leaned from side to side, then led the charge down the stairs. Yusuke eagerly chattered about drawing the masked purgers outside of the Sandin house, and Ren couldn't help but smile. Ren really was right about Yusuke's view of the world. When Ren had watched the movie with Ann and Makoto, Ann thought the masks were weird and Makoto was too terrified by the whole situation to agree with either of them. Yusuke, while still acknowledging the wrongness of the whole situation, was fascinated by it.

"The psychology of a group of masked strangers, breaking into people's houses and killing them for sport is as fascinating as it is terrible," Yusuke mused. "I can't help but wonder what must be running through their minds."

Ren laughed as he glanced over his shoulder at Yusuke from a few steps below. "Probably 'killing is legal, must kill!' Or 'we're sheep, let's just follow the leader,'" he answered.

With a soft laugh in response, Yusuke hummed. "Most likely, yes. I also can't help but wonder what charisma a leader of a group like that has to have, in order to get people to follow them so unconditionally." It was obvious that the gears in Yusuke's head were turning a mile a minute, and by now, Ren recognized that as the way he acted when an idea for a painting sprang into his head.

"Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth?" Ren suggested. "Or maybe the fact that violence is a part of human nature, so they can use the day as catharsis to let out the beast inside them? All that creepy, psycho stuff?"

Yusuke was silent for a moment, then he hummed in thought. "Perhaps I will base a painting on it. The ugly, barbaric side of humanity on display," he mused.

Good. That meant more inspiration coming from outside of Madarame's house; another push, calling Yusuke closer to freedom, to putting an end to the dangerous and unhealthy hold Madarame had on him. Ren reached the bottom of the stairs and turned around, watching Yusuke continue down the stairs, deep in his own head. Ren really liked listening to his thoughts, listening to how his mind worked. Unfortunately, it looked like his mind was working so quickly on coming up with a painting, that he didn't pay enough attention to where he was walking. Yusuke tripped and tumbled forward, almost falling face first down the last couple of steps and to the floor.

Fortunately, Ren was in the right place at the right time. He hurried forward, holding his arms out, and managed to stop Yusuke's descent before he could land and get hurt. Yusuke instead fell face first into Ren's chest, planting his hands on Ren's shoulders, to stay standing. He impacted with almost enough force to send Ren to the floor as well, but Ren managed to keep them both standing. He placed his hands on Yusuke's waist to keep Yusuke upright, then glanced down at his friend in concern.

"You alright?" Ren asked.

Much to Ren's relief, Yusuke was laughing. However, laughter quickly faded. He lifted his head from Ren's chest, which put the pair of them squarely face to face... and very close. So close, in fact, that Ren could feel the warmth of Yusuke's breath against his cheek as Yusuke towered over him. All Ren would've had to do was crane his neck upward to capture Yusuke's lips and kiss him until neither of them could breathe. As Ren examined his face—just as perfect up close as it was far away—he found himself shoulder-deep in the realization that there was nothing in the world he wanted more. Yusuke's body was warm against his, his breath a little quicker from the adrenaline of almost falling to the floor. Their eyes locked for a moment, and Yusuke's gaze was gentle, soft.

It was probably Ren's mind playing tricks on him but he could have sworn he saw a little bit of a plea in Yusuke's eyes, too. Ren almost allowed the look on Yusuke's face to convince him that it would be okay. _Almost_. In fact, he allowed himself to move a tiny bit closer, his lips parted and his heart speeding like a jackhammer in his chest. He wanted to. He _really_ wanted to. Before he could take the chance, though, a tiny voice in the back of his mind protested and stopped him.

Yusuke was too good for him. Ren was a mess, his life nothing but a dark and dismal cavern, just barely graced by the sun that was Yusuke's presence. There was no way that the bright sun inside of Yusuke could light all of Ren's dark parts. Yusuke deserved another sun. Someone who shone almost as bright as he did. Ren would never be good enough. It wasn't possible. But god, if he was…

Ren cleared his throat, making sure Yusuke was steady on his feet before he stepped back and quickly turned his head away. Heat rushed to his cheeks, but he couldn't let Yusuke see.

"Y-you okay?" Ren stammered.

Yusuke nodded. "I... y-yes. I apologize. I..."

Shaking his head, Ren cast a too-brief look at Yusuke, before finally speaking up again. "Nah, you don't have to be sorry. I'm just glad I was there to catch you," he insisted.

Glad was probably an overstatement, Ren realized. He really needed to get this stupid infatuation under control, before he put his whole friendship with Yusuke at risk. So, when he turned back around, he vowed to himself and silently to Yusuke, that he would do the best he could to make sure the rest of the night was normal. He was used to hiding things from the most important people in his life, so it was just another layer of that.

If he wanted to _keep_ Yusuke in his life, he knew it had to be this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOO BOY, WE ALMOST HAD PROGRESS GUYS. Don't blame me, it's REN'S FAULT.
> 
> 'The Only Fault' really is absolutely perfect for Shukita's relationship in this entire fic, and I didn't even realize it until now! I encourage you to at least peek at the lyrics real quick!
> 
> This chapter (as well as the next one) wouldn't even _exist_ without my awesome and wonderful beta and friend [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations). Seriously, she improved my storytelling in this fic 1000-fold. ♥


	11. I Defy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i'm waking up now, i gave my life._  
>  _i made the time, i built it all,_  
>  _but you took what's mine for you._  
>  _it's not for you..._  
> [i defy](https://open.spotify.com/track/3Br1pm0H0pvcTZYdeZSS5X?si=tQ2r4EweTdSwmdKbWqpVmQ) ;; tonight alive  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9j_uTQLQ7QI) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tonightalive/idefy.html) }

Yusuke was equal parts relieved and disappointed when things quickly went right back to normal after his stupid stumble almost ruined the whole tone of the night. Fortunately, Ren was amazing and confident and cool, so with his effort, they fell back into their usual easy and comfortable conversation, chatting throughout the rest of the movie. The sudden and strange demeanor change he'd sensed from Ren faded quickly, and Ren was back to his outgoing self, telling Yusuke about The Purge sequels and how they'd have to watch them the next time they had the chance. Yusuke heartily agreed. The entire concept of the series was fascinating to him.

By the time the movie ended, it was just before eleven p.m.. Admittedly, Yusuke was hesitant to leave for more than just the obvious reasons. He was so comfortable in Ren's apartment, with Ren, that he didn't want the night to end. Ultimately, though, Yusuke knew it had to. He had to go back to Madarame's eventually, as much as he wished he could just stay with Ren forever.

So, regretfully and hesitantly, he departed from Ren's apartment.

For the entirety of the train ride from Yongen-Jaya to Shibuya, Yusuke's mind was reeling. The skyline would be child's play now. All the photos Ren gave him were excellent. There were so many different angles for him to use as references, and he spent the entire time he sat on the train looking them over, working out how they could fit into his composition. It was significantly easier than he expected. Between the photos and his own idea to darken the colors so it was something of a darker sky, Yusuke was sure he had come up with something to satisfy the client.

However, once he left the train station and started his walk back to Madarame's house, his mind only really had one place left to go. As he walked along with his hands in the pouch of Ren's hoodie, he found himself thinking back to the moment when he'd fallen down the last step. Yusuke was reasonably sure he'd seen that exact thing happen in old movies before. Someone would fall down the stairs or would stumble on a hill or something like that, and the person they were interested in would catch them. After the effortless catch, the pair would stand together, and then they would give in to their feelings and kiss each other. 

Yusuke had wanted to kiss Ren. God, had he _ever_ wanted to kiss Ren. His heart had threatened to beat a hole in his chest, as he looked Ren in the eyes and memorized every single inch of his face. The thought of Ren touching him still made his body tingle, and his heart beat faster in his chest as he went over the moment on repeat. Ren's hands on Yusuke's ribs, Yusuke's hands-on Ren's chest… everything in the world felt like it stood still.

The chilly wind whipped around him wildly, and he hugged Ren's hoodie closer. The smell of cinnamon and warm vanilla filled his nostrils and took him over, and it was almost like he could feel the solid warmth of Ren's touch again. He kept the warm fleece hugged close to him for the rest of the walk, reveling in the feeling of the specter of Ren's hands on his ribs.

It was almost enough comfort to make him forget the ice cold pit of anxiety that was quickly forming in his stomach. It didn't escape his attention that he was almost back at Madarame's house now, and the closer he got, the more the fear in his stomach grew and spread, taking over the pleasant warmth his thoughts of Ren's touch shrouded around his heart. The warmth gave way to chill and fear, and Yusuke tried to clutch the hoodie closer to his chest to fight back against the sudden cold.

He reached the back door, lifting the rock lining the garden which Madarame used to hide the spare key. After unlocking the door, Yusuke returned the key to its original spot, before squeezing through the open door and looking around the darkened house. From the small entryway, it didn't look like anyone was awake, so provided Yusuke could make it to his room undetected, he felt a slight flicker of hope that maybe he could manage to get away with the whole thing. Madarame likely spent his whole afternoon taking business calls and making commissions for Yusuke. So long as he didn't pass any other students in the hall, as long as none of them were still in the common room, there was a chance…

Yusuke shucked Ren's hoodie as he crept through the halls, still clutching it to his chest like a pillow. It felt almost like every step he took echoed loudly into the halls, and with each step he took, Yusuke felt his heart beating faster with rising panic.

He passed the common room and winced when he noticed the same group of students sitting together, watching another of Madarame's approved films. As soon as they spotted Yusuke, they whispered to each other again, and the oldest of the group—an eighteen-year-old named Itsuki, who Madarame seemed to actually favor the way everyone thought he favored Yusuke—glared at him angrily. Yusuke was a little too panicked to glare back. Instead, he ignored their glares and brushed past them, rushing up the stairs and down the hallway, only stopping when he reached the door to his room. When he did, he glanced back down the hall to see Itsuki coming up the stairs and making a beeline for Madarame's room.

Yusuke panicked. He rushed into his room, stowing Ren's hoodie in the far back corner of his closet, underneath a small pile of paint supply boxes. Madarame would never look back there. He hid the picture of Ren in there, as well as several of the more personal shots Ren had taken of New York City, then breathed a sigh of relief. Now, the excuse Ren suggested that he give may actually work, because all the evidence of his time with Ren was hidden. It made Yusuke both sad and angry at the same time, to have to hide evidence of his time with his friend like that. Still, he did what he had to do, for both his own sake and for Ren's.

As Yusuke walked to the corkboard to pin the pictures Ren had lent him up to use as references, he heard the familiar sound of footsteps coming down the hall. The footsteps were angry, and followed by much quieter ones. It didn't take a genius to figure out exactly what they meant. Madarame, followed by Itsuki, was headed for his room.

The door slid open with such force that it took Yusuke by surprise and almost made him drop the picture and pushpin he held in his hand. He didn't, though, and tried his best to look nonchalant when he turned around to meet Madarame's gaze.

"What is this Itsuki tells me, Yusuke? Did you _sneak out_?" Madarame's voice made absolutely no secret of his fury.

At first, Yusuke froze. He hadn't thought this far ahead. He knew it was going to come to this, of course; there was absolutely no question as to the fact that Madarame would be furious if he ever learned that Yusuke went out and about on his own. Still, he should have taken a little more time to plan exactly what he was going to do when faced with his sensei's anger. He thought about what Ren would do; what Ren would say. Would Ren ever let someone else tell him when he could or couldn't leave his house to socialize? He thought of Ren's words, about how indignant he was whenever another of Madarame's misdeeds came to light. Ren would _never_ let someone treat him this way.

The thought emboldened Yusuke a lot more than he expected. "No, I simply left for a little while to do some research for the city skyline commission, sensei," he answered levelly.

Madarame looked at him incredulously for a moment, before taking a look around the room. "And you're just getting back now, at midnight? You will have to pardon me if I'm a little suspicious," he sneered.

"Yes. The library at the Tokyo Institute of the Arts is open for twenty-four hours, and I paid to use their photo printer to print out some photos from their archives, as you can see," Yusuke told Madarame, offering up the pictures in his hands.

Itsuki still stood in the door, looking every bit the part of the angry, petulant child. He watched Madarame cross the room and take the photos from Yusuke's hand, and then glanced over his shoulder. A few seconds later, the students he'd been watching movies with appeared behind him, watching the scene unfold through the door. As much as it probably should have bothered Yusuke, he allowed himself to stand a little taller. If he was going to take one piece of his life back from Madarame, maybe it wasn't so bad if all of the students who whispered about him heard it as well.

Madarame flipped through the photos, and Yusuke was endlessly glad that he'd hidden the personal photos Ren had taken in the drawer. "You found these at the archives at the Tokyo Institute of the Arts?" he asked.

Yusuke nodded. "It took time, because I wanted to find shots from all angles. I simply wanted to provide your clients with the best painting possible."

As Madarame held the photos out to Yusuke, he lowered his voice to a furious grumble. "And you thought you had to so strongly disobey my rules to go on this insipid quest for inspiration? You are unable to find the inspiration you need here at the atelier, like all the rest of my students?" he asked.

The insult probably should have bothered Yusuke, and maybe on some level, it did. Especially as Itsuki and the others started laughing and rolling their eyes. For now, Yusuke allowed himself to be fueled by his determination; by the determination Ren inspired in him. He didn't want to _have_ to sneak out every time he wanted to see Ren. He wanted to be free to visit his friend whenever he wanted to, and as a fully grown man, no one should have been able to tell him not to. So, in spite of the fact that Madarame would likely be furious, he pointed out one very important fact:

"Forgive me if I am incorrect, sensei, but I was unaware there was any actual _rule_ against my leaving the house without you," Yusuke pointed out. "I know you said you didn't prefer it, but it was never truly made into a rule, was it?"

Madarame narrowed his eyes. "Excuse me?"

From the doorway, the students who typically mocked Yusuke all displayed varying levels of shock at Yusuke's sudden confidence. Truth be told, even Yusuke couldn't account for its origin fully. Yes, Ren had inspired it. Yes, it was brought about by Ren's insistence that Yusuke deserved better than what he got from Madarame. Still, there was a level of surprise which came with the fact that Yusuke was still Yusuke. Yusuke was still the same man who had been pushed into a corner by Madarame for the majority of his life… and now, here he was. Here he was standing up to that very same man.

Breaking through the wall which, to this point, had him balking, Yusuke stood as tall as he could and said, "I am simply requesting the same respect you give the rest of your students, sensei. I am fully aware that they go to school, and as such have to leave the house at least once a day, however, that doesn't change the fact that they are afforded many more freedoms than I am. I believe, as the only full-grown adult among your students, I should be allowed my own life. Don't you?"

"What are you saying?" Madarame asked, his eyes narrowed angrily.

Yusuke didn't back down. "Simply that, a man my age is more than capable of finding my own way. I am fully aware that I still owe you a lot, sensei. I am not discounting everything that you've done for me, nor do I _desire_ for things to go this way, but if you do not afford me the freedom I deserve—the freedom to have my own life—I will be forced to leave your tutelage," he answered.

It was quiet enough to hear a pin drop in Yusuke's room, despite the fact that there were five people close by. Madarame's eyes were wide, like he never expected Yusuke to _actually_ say what he was saying. There was also more than a little bit of confusion in his eyes, Yusuke could tell. To Madarame, it was likely all a giant blindside. Until today, Yusuke had been nothing but subservient and pliable. He always did whatever he was asked and never requested anything for himself. The confusion faded to a second flash of anger, and that anger faded to a familiar smirk as he turned his back on Yusuke and looked at the others.

"A moment alone with Yusuke, if you don't mind?" Madarame asked the others.

The small group exchanged looks, then stepped away from the door, sliding it closed and leaving Yusuke alone with Madarame. Yusuke wished he could say it wasn't terrifying, but it truly was. It was disappointing, exactly how aware Yusuke was that Madarame could send his newfound confidence tumbling to the ground with just a simple word. For the first few seconds, he was quiet, looking around Yusuke's room, almost like he was searching for something out of place.

Finally, with a hum, Madarame spoke again. "So, you're telling me you went to the Tokyo Institute of the Arts to seek out these photographs to use as inspiration for my skyline?" he asked.

"Yes," Yusuke nodded.

With a single nod, Madarame started walking around the room much the same way he'd done when Ren left the first time. He searched obvious spots, never digging too deep, and Yusuke wasn't quite sure what he was looking for. "And you're telling me that something about the experience, being out and about in the city by yourself, made you want more freedom. Something about the world out there made you want me to change the way I treat you?"

Again, Yusuke nodded. "Yes."

"Well then," Madarame turned toward Yusuke. "I will make you a deal. If these photographs _actually_ managed to inspire you? You should be able to finish my commission without a problem, correct?"

Yusuke was a little bit confused, wondering exactly where he was going with this, but he nodded in response. "Yes," he answered again.

Humming to himself, Madarame walked over to the bare-bones canvas. "Then, if I gave you a deadline of say—let's say tomorrow night by this time—to produce something the client will approve of," he paused, casting Yusuke a pointed look, "and said that _only_ if you meet these terms, will I agree to your sudden, highly suspicious demands… do you think you would be able to do so?"

"Yes," Yusuke answered again, not backing down.

Chuckling maliciously, Madarame stepped up to the pictures Ren had given him. "I hope so," he pointed out, "because should you _fail_ to produce something worthy of the client and of my name? Not only will I not agree to your demands, but I feel some sort of punishment should be in order. You _did_ betray the trust I put in you, after all. This new deadline affords me the chance to think of something appropriate. Perhaps I will have Itsuki and the others assist me."

Punishment? Yusuke considered the concept an insult, truthfully. Not only because he hadn't done anything _worthy_ of punishment, but also because Madarame seemed so sure he _wouldn't_ be able to produce something worthy of the client's approval. It was fine. Yusuke would relish the chance to prove him wrong. Fortunately, Yusuke knew his own skills. He knew what he was capable of and between his own inspiration and Ren's assistance, he could—no, he _would_ —do it.

"That's fine," Yusuke answered evenly. It would never come to pass.

Madarame hummed under his breath, narrowing his eyes at Yusuke, before casting them slowly around Yusuke's room once more in suspicion. He was on to _something_ , of that Yusuke was sure, but luckily, there was no hint in anything strange of the places he usually looked. So, with a hum to himself, he crossed his arms and rumbled, "We'll see, won't we? You'd best get to work, Yusuke. Your deadline is much shorter than initially quoted."

Then, in a flourish too dramatic for even _Yusuke_ , he turned and departed the room, looking every bit the part of the movie supervillain. In the back of Yusuke's mind, it reminded him of the other families in The Purge, and he had to fight off a grin at the thought.

A tiny voice in the back of Yusuke's mind was screaming at him, telling him just to leave. Once Madarame left the room, the urge was even stronger. There were only two things keeping him in place. First off was the desire to prove Madarame wrong. He was fully confident that he could make this commission amazing, that the client would love it, and that Yusuke would have the freedom to visit Ren whenever he wanted. Secondly, loath though he was to admit it, his debt to Madarame still loomed over his head; how he would be absolutely nowhere without Madarame's assistance. 

Despite his bluster, despite his certainty, he still wasn't completely sure of himself. Much of the bravado he'd shown Madarame was false, almost as though he'd osmosed it through Ren's hoodie, or through Ren when they'd been so close earlier.

It wouldn't be the first time he'd worked through the night. This time, though, he felt like working through the night would actually produce results that benefitted _him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BABY STEPS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, GUYS! Be proud of him! He's standing up for himself!
> 
> This chapter would be _really_ different, and nowhere near as good without [Nada's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) help. I swear, sometimes I think I should just add her on as a co-writer for this. XD You guys should go check her fics out, too, if you haven't already! They're amazing.


	12. Help, I'm Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _if you're still alive, my regrets are few._  
>  _if my life is mine, what shouldn't i do?_  
>  _i get wherever i'm going, i get whatever i need,_  
>  _while my blood's still flowing, and my heart still beats..._  
> [help, i'm alive](https://open.spotify.com/track/1z4xjDLLWJgG48Bn8OCxZv?si=hCcW7wA7TAm8ivnNgx0SOg) ;; metric  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoK63Bk7pgw) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/metric/helpimalive.html) }

The skyline painting came out better than even Yusuke could have expected. It was a perfect amalgamation of Yusuke's personal flair and Ren's assistance, and Yusuke could genuinely say he was actually upset to hand it over. It was some of his best work, to the point that when Madarame arrived to assess it, even _he_ couldn't find a complaint. Instead, he was quiet. He appraised Yusuke's work, comparing the angles to the photos and murmuring questions about where Yusuke found the inspiration for the darkened lighting and the fish-eye lens idea that came to him as he was sketching it out.

Madarame seemed to almost _search_ for something to complain about. While Itsuki watched, Yusuke listened to Madarame complain about how the client had never _asked_ for a fish-eye look, and how Yusuke "had better hope he doesn't mind." The grin on Itsuki's face from behind Madarame made Yusuke all the more concerned.

As it turned out, his concern was more than warranted. After appraising Yusuke's piece, Madarame made a grand show of announcing Yusuke's potential punishment. If his painting didn't meet the client's standard, Madarame planned to go to Shinjuku and hire Ren again... for Itsuki. The thought made Yusuke's blood run cold, not just because of Madarame's willingness to use Ren like most of the other people in Ren's life, but also because... Itsuki wouldn't feel the way Yusuke did. Itsuki would use Ren, would put his hands all over Ren's body and say all those terrible things all his other clients said to him.

Just the thought made an ill feeling form in Yusuke's gut, and a fit of cold and selfish jealousy spread out through his entire body. Itsuki couldn't touch him. Not when Yusuke didn't even know how it felt. Quickly, Yusuke shook the thought off and fought with a flare of anger at himself for being so selfish. Ren was the one who would be humiliated. It was all the more reason Yusuke _couldn't_ fail. He had to succeed. Not just for himself, but for Ren, too.

Admittedly, Yusuke was a little bit curious about two things: firstly, what sort of emotional toll it must have taken on Ren to be used like that. Ren was very guarded, and Yusuke assumed it had much to do with people like Madarame and Itsuki; the ones who only saw him as an object, and didn't see the beauty inside of him. Ren seemed very headstrong, but very afraid at the same time. Every time Yusuke got near enough to find _some_ kind of hint as to the inner machinations of Ren's mind, Ren resisted. The toll of the people who hired him had to be great, and Yusuke wished he could help.

Secondly, slightly more embarrassingly than the first, Yusuke found himself curious about what it felt like to be with Ren himself. Physically, sure, but even further than that, he wondered what it felt like to hold Ren's hand, to touch him, to kiss him. Ren was beautiful, that was impossible to deny. Every move he made was like a dance, and his every word was like a symphony. Yusuke was fairly certain he was feeling things he didn't even realize he could feel at this point.

Yusuke had never had a crush before, but from what he'd seen in movies or on television, or what Madarame's other students said, it sounded a lot like what he felt when he thought of Ren. Even right then, Yusuke couldn't keep his heart from pounding a little bit harder as the vision of his friend appeared in his mind.

In the back of Yusuke's mind, a hint of concern spread. If Madarame was using Ren as Yusuke's punishment, did that mean Madarame knew where Yusuke had gone? Of course, it didn't matter. Ultimately, Yusuke allowed himself to be comforted by the fact that Madarame didn't even know where Ren lived. The comfort was short-lived, though, because just as Yusuke's mind settled into ease, an unfamiliar car pulled into Madarame's front yard. Yusuke's window was open, and as the client got out of the car, Madarame cast a knowing glance and wry grin up toward Yusuke's room.

Yusuke watched as Madarame led him into the house. Quietly, Yusuke crept down the hall and listened to the exchange. A swell of relief and pride swept over him when the client deemed the painting "brilliant! It's so much better than what I expected," and then offered to pay Madarame a little bit more than their original quote.

Unfortunately, a crawling, guilty feeling dulled a lot of the victory of "winning" in his deal with Madarame.

While, yes, it was wonderful that he wouldn't be locked away and didn't have to deal with knowing that Itsuki was going to get to touch Ren, the sale felt a lot worse now than it usually did. The picture wasn't just something from his own mind. He looked at Ren's pictures, where they were pinned to his cork board, and sighed sadly. If it were Yusuke's own commission, he would have made sure Ren got at least half the money. There would have been no painting at all without Ren's assistance. As Madarame counted tens-into-hundreds of thousands of yen, Yusuke wondered if Ren could've used that to get _away_ from people who used him and made him feel like he had to keep his guard up so high.

In the back of Yusuke's mind, he considered sneaking into Madarame's room one night while he slept and stealing it, but he was sure it wouldn't go over well. Madarame would find out, and then the consequences would be dire.

Still, it bothered him more than he could properly express to think that such a large sum of money, part of which rightfully belonged with Ren, would never find its way to its rightful owner. Ren was his inspiration, but not because of any sort of tawdry sexual liaison. Ren was his inspiration because Yusuke used his friend as sort of a lens to the outside world.

Used. Yusuke cringed at that word, shaking his head in disgust. No, he didn't use Ren. He wasn't one of the people Ren slept with, just putting their hands all over him and then sending him away.

Yusuke swore on the very breath in his lungs, on the very beating of his heart, that he would _never_ use Ren as those people did.

It was almost as though Yusuke's legs moved without his brain's permission. He didn't wait for Madarame to tell him that he'd won, because he'd seen and heard the whole conversation take place. Instead, he pushed off from the wall and hurried up the stairs, back to his room to gather his coat to go and tell Ren the good news. This time, he made sure to remember his phone and sent Ren a message on his way out the door to make sure he was available that night. Fortunately, he managed to slip out of the house before the client even left, so he didn't have to see Madarame's face.

At first, he worried Ren was unavailable, because it took until he reached the station to get a reply. When Ren did reply, the reply seemed rushed. Given the context, it made sense, though. _Yeah, I'm free. With some of my friends right now but I think you'd like them, so you can come over too._

While Yusuke typed his own reply, he noticed that Ren was still typing. In rapid succession, two replies came. _One thing. They don't know about my other job. One of them's a cop and I try really hard to keep it from her, so can you not say anything?_ That was followed shortly by, _Please? I know it's asking a lot, but if she asks, we can please tell her we met on a train or something._

Yusuke sensed his desperation and responded quickly, telling Ren, _Your secret is safe with me, Ren, I promise. We met on the train and hit it off._ However, his mind was reeling as he stepped on the train from Shibuya to Yongen-Jaya.

Ren had a friend on the police force, who didn't know about his night job. If she knew he would likely be in prison, or at the very least in no shortage of trouble. That, he supposed, explained the degree to which Ren kept his life a closely guarded secret. He'd never really had to come up with a cover story for anything before, but since Ren had helped him come up with a cover story to give to Madarame regarding his absence from the atelier a few days ago, the least he could do was do the same in return. In a few rapid succession texts, Yusuke concocted a fake story about how they met to give to Ren's friends.

 _We met on the train from Shibuya to Yongen-Jaya,_ the first message read. _We started talking about the book I was reading._

Ren quickly replied, _A Clockwork Orange,_ and Yusuke could almost see the grin on his face.

As such, a grin formed on Yusuke's own face. _Yes. We discussed the archetype of humanity portrayed in the book for the whole ride from Shibuya to Yongen-Jaya, and you invited me to Leblanc to discuss it further over coffee,_ he offered.

_We hit it off well, so you invited me to your place to talk about your art._

_You assisted me with a painting I'd been struggling with, and then another the next time you came over._

_So, you came back to Leblanc and we watched the Purge together._

The rest of them, of course, were actual events which had taken place. Fitting them into the timeline was integral to this story they were concocting, though. Excluding their own secrets—Madarame and Ren's night job—were of vital importance. It was nice, having someone look out for his own pride in this way, and he found himself wondering if Ren felt the same way.

 _Surely they're suspicious of you sending these messages,_ Yusuke suggested.

Ren quickly replied. _Nah, I excused myself to make them food. They're all sitting in a corner booth talking, so they have no idea._ Again, Yusuke could easily visualize the conspiratory grin on Ren's face.

They chatted a little more, with Ren explaining to Yusuke the basics about each of his friends, before they said their "see you soon's." Ren was sure they'd like Yusuke and that Yusuke would like them, but that didn't really assuage his anxiety. Yusuke was sure Ren would look out for him, but strangers always had questions, and most of Yusuke's questions had very uncomfortable answers. Yusuke's precious little experience with social interactions notwithstanding, the idea of being in a room full of new people was very nerve-wracking. Most of the time, when Yusuke was in crowds it was with Madarame's other students, and given their feelings about him, he still spent most of that time alone. He spent most of _any_ time alone.

As much as Yusuke was loath to admit it, he was lonely.

Or, at least he used to be. Though he'd only known Ren for a few days, somehow his new friend had managed to change all that already. The thought made him smile. Ren, even after just a few short meetings, had become an integral part of his life. Someone Yusuke didn't think he could afford to lose.

As the train pulled into Yongen-Jaya, Yusuke stepped off with the small crowd, and walked into the busy Yongen-Jaya station. It was much busier this time than it was before, and Yusuke figured it had to do with the time. All the businessmen and women were getting out of work now, and hurrying to their trains to go home. It felt almost like a painting. Strangers, all mysteries cloaked in shadow, rushing in and out of the open train doors. No one casting each other a second glance.

Well, no one except Yusuke, anyway. Yusuke was watching it all, and suddenly, he wanted to paint it.

Yusuke laughed to himself as he stepped out onto the streets. Maybe, if he and Ren had a moment alone later, he'd run the concept past his new friend. Ren was an endless font of inspiration. Yusuke clutched his sketchpad close, and thought of the second attempt of a sketch of Ren's face. It was far better than the first, and Yusuke reasoned that it had much to do with his increasing familiarity with Ren. It was still difficult to capture the brilliant glint in his eye, or the spark of his smile, but Yusuke vowed to himself that he'd find a way someday. He'd thought it the first day they met: Ren deserved to have paintings named after him.

As he walked quietly through the Yongen-Jaya streets, he noticed he felt a little more comfortable in the area than before. The streets were becoming familiar, even though it was only his second time here, and many of the people walking about were the same ones he'd seen the last time. There were a mother and her middle-school-aged child, several elderly people, and a dozen small business owners setting up their displays outside. A woman dressed in a black dress with a white doctor's coat walked by with a latte in her hand, and Yusuke figured she must have come from Leblanc.

He was almost there.

When he got to the door, however, a wave of anxiety came over him. He could see Ren and his friends through the windowed door. Truth be told, Yusuke wasn't sure what he'd expected. When Ren mentioned friends, perhaps Yusuke had thought he'd meant just one or two people… not five other than Ren. Four of them sat coupled together into two pairs—a pair of women held hands atop the table, and then a third woman leaned close to a man their age with her head on his shoulder—and there was a smaller woman, sitting in a birdlike pose atop a stool. Ren stood behind the counter, laughing at something the birdlike woman said, and suddenly Yusuke considered texting Ren to cancel and returning to Madarame's.

Before he got the chance, though, Ren met his eye through the door's window and the smile on his face brightened even more. He waved and rushed around the counter to open the door for Yusuke.

"Hey, I was wondering when you'd show up," Ren greeted him calmly, holding the door and nodding inside.

One of the women, a blond one with long, elegant hair and bright blue eyes, stood and tugged her hand from another woman's hand. Yusuke assumed the other woman to be her girlfriend. "Is this him?"

Ren rolled his eyes. "No, Ann. It's just another stranger I was expecting and forgot to mention."

The birdlike woman shrugged. "I mean, you forgot to mention _this_ stranger, so I wouldn't put it past you, Flower Child," she pointed out.

Huffing in annoyance, Ren urged Yusuke inside and shut the door behind him when he complied. "Anyway. Guys, this is Yusuke Kitagawa, a new friend I met a couple of weeks ago. Yusuke, these are my friends, Ann Takamaki, Makoto Niijima," he pointed to Ann's girlfriend, "Futaba Sakura," the birdlike girl, "and Haru Okumura and Ryuji Sakamoto."

A disorganized chorus of "nice to meet yous," "hellos," and "heys" came from all of Ren's friends, and Ren invited Yusuke further into Leblanc to sit at the counter next to Futaba.

"It's nice to meet you all as well," Yusuke answered, trying in vain to keep the nerves from his tone.

Futaba spoke up again. "So, how'd you two meet? Flower Child doesn't usually like to get close enough to people to invite 'em back here more than once, no matter how many times we try to tell him it's _okay_ to make friends other than us once in a while," she teased.

Makoto chuckled softly, but then nodded. "Yes, I was quite pleased to hear that he'd made another friend."

A closer look showed that Makoto was in police blues. That must have made her the police officer friend Ren had mentioned before, likely fresh out of work. Ren and Yusuke shared a glance, but Ren took the reins and offered the story they'd come up with.

"We met on the train, actually," Ren explained, laughing sheepishly and carding a hand through his hair. "He was reading A Clockwork Orange, and we just… started talking by chance."

Haru smiled. "It's highly unusual for you to strike up a conversation with a stranger, Ren! I'm impressed!"

With a nod, Yusuke began corroborating the story. "It is for me, as well. Even so, we talked all the way from Shibuya to Yongen-Jaya, and since I had nowhere I needed to be, I eagerly accepted Ren's invitation to talk more over coffee," he added, a little smile breaking out on his face.

"Well that sounds suspiciously date-like," Futaba interjected.

Quickly and simultaneously, Yusuke and Ren both denied her. Yusuke responded incredulously with, "of course it wasn't," while Ren said, "no!" and they were met with bemused expressions from all of Ren's friends. Something in their expressions told Yusuke that no one believed them, but there was no reason to disbelieve. They were still strangers. Friends, sure, but strangers at the same time. Even if Ren was beautiful beyond any beauty Yusuke had seen before, there was no chance that anything they'd done up to this point were dates. No matter whether Yusuke was interested or not… Ren wouldn't have been.

Haru stifled a giggle in Ryuji's shoulder, before coming back with, "If you say so."

"So, what do you do, Yusuke? For work or whatever," Ryuji asked casually, taking a drink from his soft drink and relaxing against the seat.

Before Yusuke could answer, Ren said, "he's an artist. And he's really good."

"An artist!" Makoto perked, seeming genuinely interested. "Do you think I've seen any of your work around town?"

Yusuke's voice was caught in his throat. It wasn't an easy question to answer. They'd most likely seen his work dozens of times, but none of it was ever under his name. Everything they'd seen would be credited to Madarame, and none of them would ever believe it to actually be his own work. This wasn't the first time he'd been embarrassed by someone asking about his work, but this was the first time he'd ever felt it to quite this level.

Luckily, Ren seemed to pick up on it. "You probably have, but it's not his best stuff. All the stuff he sells to people are landscapes and stuff like that, but his _real_ talent is abstract. He has this painting he showed me when he invited me over to his place?" As he continued, he described all of Yusuke's own work that he'd seen: the figure trapped between vortexes, the figure engulfed in smoke, the young boy with a ghost mother and a shadowed father… everything that Yusuke had been trained to feel was a waste of time.

By the end of Ren's speech, Yusuke's cheeks were bright red. All of Ren's friends seemed endlessly intrigued, though.

"Wow!" Ann declared, beaming at Yusuke. "So you're kinda like that one guy, what's his name! The one they teach you about in school—"

Yusuke replied, "Van Gogh?"

With an eager nod, Ann answered, "Yeah! That's him!"

Laughing awkwardly, Yusuke shook his head. "No, I'm hardly at Van Gogh's level, I can assure you," he muttered sheepishly.

"He's just being modest," Ren answered. "I'm not an expert, but he's definitely one of the best artists I've ever seen. _The_ best one I've ever met."

As Ren's friends fell into casual conversation, Ren placed a cup of coffee and a plate of curry in front of Yusuke. Without realizing it, Yusuke found himself thinking of the implications behind his complicated feelings regarding being questioned on his art. This was the first time someone other than Ren asked him about his situation and he had to struggle to come up with an answer that didn't implicate Madarame as a thief or a fake, and it gave him this much of an empty feeling. He was embarrassed about it for the first time.

Ren looked at him from behind the counter, and the pair of them shared a quiet glance again. The look in his friend's eyes was gentle and encouraging, as was the hand he placed on Yusuke's shoulder. Ultimately, the two gestures combined to make him feel a little bit better about the situation for now, but in the back of his mind, Yusuke wondered if maybe it was something he should go back to and think about later.

Fortunately, his mind was snapped from the spiral by a loud wolf-whistle coming from the stool next to him. It seemed Futaba had noticed Ren's hand on Yusuke's shoulder, and was now teasing Ren about it.

Yusuke couldn't help his cheeks from turning bright red as he glanced down at his plate of curry.

Was he that obvious about his interest in Ren? If it was that obvious to a room full of people he'd never met before, how obvious must it have been to Ren? If it was obvious to Ren, why hadn't he said anything about it yet? Yusuke shook the thought off and glanced apologetically at Ren, who was getting the third degree from Futaba. The birdlike girl seemed to be the loudest of his friends, which was clearly displayed as she segued seamlessly and loudly into a demand for more curry.

"Vegetarian! Make it snappy!" she commanded.

Just like that, the conversation settled again, with all of Ren's friends taking turns asking Yusuke questions. Some of them were easy to answer, like the ones from the story he and Ren had concocted. Some were significantly more difficult, like the ones relating to Yusuke's family and his thoughts about Ren. All in all, though, he felt quite relaxed around Ren's friends. They were kind people, which was exactly what he expected of people Ren chose to surround himself with. They were like him: friendly, warm, and they went so far out of their way to ensure that Yusuke felt like part of the group.

In a quiet moment, while everyone else was talking in small groups, Yusuke caught Ren's attention while he cleaned the counter by placing a hand on his forearm. "Thank you," he told Ren, "for introducing me to them."

Ren smirked. "I knew you'd get along well with them."

"I can't believe Haru just... hired me like that. She hasn't even seen my work," Yusuke laughed.

With a shrug, Ren hung the cloth from his apron pocket and leaned sideways against the counter. "I can. It's just... what you do when you're friends with someone, you know?"

Yusuke laughed softly to himself, glancing down at his folded hands and nodding. "I do now. For most of my life, I didn't know what it was like to have anyone I would be willing to risk everything for, but..." He lifted his head, meeting Ren's eyes and feeling a hot flush quickly spread its way across his face. He glanced upward, and the heat in his cheeks grew stronger when he saw Ren's curious eyes looking back at him.

"What do you mean?" Ren asked.

Breathing out a laugh, Yusuke raked his teeth over his lower lip. Before he continued, he cast his eyes around the room to make sure none of Ren's friends were listening. They weren't. They were all too absorbed in their conversations. "I, ah... I did something a little foolish, but it ended up working out in the end."

The curiosity in Ren's eyes morphed into concern, and he quickly walked around the counter to sit on a stool next to Yusuke. "What do you mean? What did you do?" he asked.

Yusuke didn't turn to look at Ren, but he could feel Ren's eyes on him as he stared at the table. "You see, I made a deal with Madarame. I suppose you could say I put my foot down," he explained, his voice quiet enough for only Ren to hear him. "I told Madarame that I wanted the same freedom as the rest of his students have. I wanted to be able to leave the house. I wanted to be able to come here without having to sneak out. So, he... he put it into his terms. If my skyline painting met with his client's demands, he would allow me a little more freedom. If I didn't—" Yusuke stopped short. Did he want to tell Ren the _whole_ story?

No. He didn't, and not only because Makoto was here. He didn't want to tell Ren, because he didn't want Ren to feel like less than the amazing, incredible person he was. "If I didn't, I wasn't to try and sneak out anymore," Yusuke finished simply.

Ren's eyes were wide. He gaped at Yusuke for a few seconds, blinking, silent, like he was trying to add the situation up in his head. "You did... what? Yusuke!" Much to Yusuke's surprise, his voice wasn't angry. It was impressed, but still quiet enough not to catch anyone else's attention.

The happiness in Ren's tone gave Yusuke the courage to grin a little. "I... it was because of you, you know?" Yusuke commented simply. "I never would have found the courage to—"

Before Yusuke could finish his sentence, he felt Ren's hand on his forearm. "No. You did this all on your own. You took back a part of your life! I'm so proud of you," he insisted, placing his other hand on top of Yusuke's shoulder, and squeezing gently.

Yusuke chuckled softly. "I suppose I did," he murmured. "But I wish you wouldn't discount your role in it. I never would have even thought to try, if you hadn't inspired me."

Unfortunately, that was as far as the conversation went. Before Ren had a chance to answer, Futaba made another wolf whistle, and then shouted from where she sat in a booth with Ryuji and Ann. "Get a room, you two!" she yelled. "You know, some people come here to eat dinner! We don't need mushy stuff to make us puke!"

Ren quickly took his hands back. Then, with a gentle laugh, he turned to Yusuke and murmured, "We can talk later, alright? When the _peanut gallery_ all go home for the night," before turning to glare at Futaba.

With a nod and a nervous smile, Yusuke glanced at Ren as he made his way back around the counter. Later, when they were alone again. Until then, Yusuke would wrack his brain for _some_ way to pay Ren back for everything he'd done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And just like that, Yusuke met the others! Went pretty smoothly, all things considered!
> 
> Thanks to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for betaing, and for the _major_ help she gave me on this chapter. It was a lot shorter and not quite as detailed beforehand! :o


	13. My Silver Lining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i hear a voice calling, calling out for me..._  
>  _these shackles i've made in an attempt to be free._  
>  _be it for reason, be it for love,_  
>  _i won't take the easy road._  
> [my silver lining](https://open.spotify.com/track/5BkNCuxzzid0gz9sx3NNbX?si=CzgYTcfeQ9aELwFgao_oAA) ;; first aid kit  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKL4X0PZz7M) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/firstaidkit/mysilverlining.html) }

One by one, Ren's other friends trailed out of the shop to go home, until only he and Yusuke remained. Yusuke seemed _genuinely_ happy with having met so many people, and Ren was completely unsurprised with how well he'd gotten along with them. He had bonded especially well with Haru, who took an interest in commissioning Yusuke for a painting to put in her house. She told him that he had complete artistic freedom with the piece, and she had a genuine interest in his skills as an artist. It made Ren smile to himself. Such a short time out of Madarame's house, such a short time free, and Yusuke was already making powerful connections of his own.

Yusuke had seemed so stunned to have someone interested in _his_ work, that he immediately got busy coming up with ideas while Ren chatted with Futaba and placed orders for the week at Leblanc. Eventually, Futaba left to go to some online meetup with her gamer friends, leaving Ren to close the shop and then figure out what he and Yusuke were going to do for the evening.

The evening had started with dinner. Ren made curry, overflowing Yusuke's plate as usual, and he watched with amusement as Yusuke made it disappear faster than anyone he'd ever seen before. After that, they decided to hit the town. It was late, near 8:00 p.m., which meant that Yusuke wouldn't get home until very late, but neither of them was really fazed. Ren was usually up late working in Shinjuku, and Yusuke admitted to not having a real, solid sleep schedule because he spent most nights up late working on commissions. So, Yusuke left the decision about where to go in Ren's hands.

Ren had a lot of ideas. Yusuke wanted to see the world; to see places he created in his paintings, or places he _could_ create in his paintings, and the first thing that came to Ren's mind was somewhere with an excellent view. The Sky Tower would be closing in an hour, but if they got on the train now, they could make it in plenty of time. So, Ren and a very curious Yusuke got onto the train and sat together, chatting about ideas for his commission for Haru. Ren couldn't help but smile. All it took was for someone to give Yusuke creative control, and his mind spun. It was more evidence to the fact that he was way better than the old man.

"Haru likes flowers, correct?" Yusuke asked.

With a nod, Ren mused, "She has a massive garden in her backyard. You should see it. Why, what are you thinking?"

Smiling again, Yusuke stretched his arms out over his head. "A basket of roses, but each petal is its own color. Rainbow roses. Or perhaps each rose is its own color, I haven't decided which," he admitted with a hum to himself.

"Haru loves colors," Ren told Yusuke with a nod. "I think you could really get her attention if each petal was a different color of the rainbow."

As they rode the train, Yusuke pulled a sketchpad out and flipped through the pages. It took him a long while until he found a blank one. Ren paid far too close attention to each sketch as Yusuke passed them, but just as suddenly as he started, Yusuke shifted the sketchpad away from Ren's attention and skipped a pair of pages, before eventually settling on a blank page. Ren wondered what that was about, _especially_ when he glanced up to look at Yusuke's face and his friend's cheeks were bright red. Yusuke didn't say anything, though. Instead, he simply took his pencil from the sketchpad rings and got to work with a preliminary drawing.

"Roses, each one a myriad of colors on their own," Yusuke murmured quietly, but Ren's eyes were still on the red tinge to his cheeks. "On a faded pink background."

Ren chuckled. "Haru's favorite color is pink," he told Yusuke.

Yusuke nodded. "I guessed as much. She was wearing a lot of pink today, and her purse was pink. So was the pen she used when she gave me her phone number. It was pale pink with a rose on the top," he explained.

A while ago, Ren remembered Yusuke saying how observant he was. Ren supposed that was true. He glanced down, watching Yusuke's fingers as they dragged the pencil wildly along the page. Each movement seemed deliberate; nothing without reason or purpose. First came the surface, what seemed like a simple table. Then, the curved shape of a cornucopia style basket. Just as quickly as Yusuke started the shape, the mouth of the cornucopia quickly filled with rose after rose after rose. Only once did Yusuke ever have to use his eraser, when a particular flower petal didn't come out exactly as he wanted it to.

Sometime while Yusuke sketched, Ren stopped paying attention to what Yusuke was drawing, and instead opted to pay attention to his hands. Long, lithe fingers, soft-looking, pale skin, calluses in all the right places from holding pencils and brushes... Ren wondered what it would feel like for Yusuke to place those hands on his body. How would it feel, having Yusuke's fingers trail along Ren's skin, brush along his neck and chest, touch his abdomen, brush along his dick...

Blinking hard and shaking his head, Ren swallowed thickly. Where had _that_ come from? Yeah, he'd thought before of how it wouldn't be so bad if Yusuke fucked him, but since then, Ren had forced his mind not to trail too far down that rabbit hole. Yusuke didn't need a whore like Ren thinking things like that about him. He physically shook the thought away, instead tearing his eyes away from Yusuke's hands and focusing on the drawing again. He'd made so much progress while Ren was staring. Each rose was more defined, and there was a vague weaving design on the basket now. Ren grinned, but even he could tell it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"That looks great so far," Ren told Yusuke.

Yusuke turned to look at Ren with a soft smile. "It will look better when I can actually paint it," he admitted. "I must admit, though, this will be a rather exciting project. Something that is entirely my own. Where I will be rewarded for putting my own spin on it."

With a nod, Ren met Yusuke's eyes. The happiness in Yusuke's expression brought more genuine happiness to Ren's own. "See? Told you you're good enough. When you're getting contracted by Haru Okumura, you have _really_ made it," he mused quietly to Yusuke.

A flush crossed Yusuke face, and Ren grinned again. Maybe it was a little bit conniving, but he couldn't help but be pleased with how Yusuke seeing the world was showing him how much better off he would be without the old man. He watched Yusuke for a few more seconds, as he eyed his sketch with _genuine_ happiness, and turned to look out the window. He could see the Sky Tower, which meant they were almost to where they were headed.

"Hey, we're almost there," Ren pointed out.

Hearing that, Yusuke folded his sketchbook closed and slid it back into his bag. Ren felt him stretch in the next seat, and then smiled when he followed Ren's gaze out the window. "Where are we going?"

Ren smirked. "It's a surprise. You trust me, right?" he asked, casting Yusuke a sidelong glance.

Yusuke nodded. "Unconditionally," he answered.

The answer took Ren by surprise, but he couldn't help the smile from curling the corner of his mouth upward. Yusuke trusted him. "Good," Ren murmured in response. "You don't mind heights, right?"

"I don't think I've ever been anywhere too high," Yusuke admitted with a bashful laugh.

With a laugh of his own, Ren nodded his head and turned back around in his seat. "Well, that's about to change," he told Yusuke, relaxing until their train ride finished.

Once it did, the pair of them piled out with the crowd and left the station, stepping out onto the street and into the chilly early spring air. The Sky Tower wasn't too far from the train station, but as they walked, Yusuke eagerly chatted about finishing touches he wanted to put on Haru's painting. He mentioned that it was _his_ first commission, the first time someone had commissioned _him_ for _his_ art, and while Ren found it criminal, he also felt a slight swell of victory. Maybe, if the trend continued, Yusuke would just... leave the old man's captivity.

At least he'd finally taken a stand and taken _some_ of his freedom back. For someone Yusuke's age to have to ask permission to do _anything_ wasn't fair. Now, Yusuke didn't have to anymore, now that he could go where he wanted to when he wanted to, and Ren could honestly say he'd never been so proud of anyone in his life. Ren wasn't sure where the notion that _he'd_ had anything to do with Yusuke's sudden burst of confidence came from, but if Yusuke thought he'd helped in any way, he was glad for it.

The conversation turned to Ren's friends—now Yusuke's friends, too, Ren assured him—and how each of them was so open and friendly with Yusuke, how Yusuke hadn't expected it. Ren, of course, had expected it, but hearing Yusuke so happy made it all worthwhile. Yusuke seemed so excited, so happy, that he had new friends. So much so, in fact, that he hadn't even paid attention to where Ren was taking him. He just blindly, trustingly, followed Ren's lead up to the observatory in the Sky Tower.

In fact, he still talked excitedly and animatedly as they made their way out of the elevator and into the large open room. Ren walked them to the edge, placed his hand on Yusuke's shoulder with a smile, and pointed out the window. "Hold that thought for a second," he told his friend. "Look."

Immediately, a switch seemed to flick in Yusuke's mind. As soon as Ren pointed out the window, Yusuke's eyes followed his hand and he went completely quiet. His eyes opened wider and his breath seemed to catch in his lungs. He stared out the window, completely captivated by the Tokyo skyline. From the top of the Sky Tower, a person could truly see for miles. From the right angle, it was even possible to see Mt. Fuji. They weren't on the right side, but what they _could_ see was a seemingly endless expanse of tiny lights down below. It was almost empty in the observatory so late at night, so it almost felt like someone had placed the sea of lights there just for them.

"Tokyo... truly looks like this?" Yusuke asked breathlessly.

Ren took his eyes from the sea of lights, turning to look at Yusuke's reflection in the window instead. He looked completely captured, enrapt with the view below him. In the back corner of Ren's mind, a tiny voice told him that the sight of Yusuke was even better than the view of Tokyo from up here. "Surprising how different a bird's eye view can be, huh?" he asked.

Simply nodding in response, Yusuke went silent for a few more seconds. "I never could have expected..." he started, but quickly trailed off.

Grinning, Ren leaned his hip against the railing, focusing his attention on Yusuke instead of the view. "Thought you might like it," he admitted.

Yusuke nodded eagerly. "It feels as though I can see all of Tokyo from here!" he declared.

Ren chuckled softly. "If you think that's incredible," he nodded over his shoulder. "Come with me."

It was sort of adorable, that Yusuke still didn't want to turn away from the window. He pressed his fingertips to the glass, looking the part of an eager kid watching it snow in winter. "I find it difficult to imagine something better than this," he confessed.

"Just you wait," Ren answered with a warm smile.

Even so, Yusuke hesitated to leave the spot. Ren wasn't upset at all. It was one of the most endearing and adorable things he ever could have imagined. However, he knew exactly how Yusuke would react when he saw the other side of the observatory, so he knew he had to end the adorable scene eventually. With a little grin, he stepped forward and took Yusuke's hand. At the feeling of Yusuke's hand in his, Ren completely froze. It really was simple—just a touch of two hands—but Ren couldn't help but think that nothing in his life had ever felt so right before. It was electric, and warm, and Ren almost lost the ability to breathe for a second.

It was stupid. So stupid. Ren was paid to touch people; paid to let them fuck him. People put their hands, among other things, on the most intimate parts of his body on a day-to-day basis. He'd had sex with more people than he could remember. It should have been so far outside of the realm of possibility for a touch of hands to make him blush, but here he was, blushing like a moron.

Ren froze for a moment, his stomach twisting awkwardly as he met Yusuke's eye. They exchanged a glance, and Ren watched as red painted across Yusuke's cheeks. He could feel the heat in his own cheeks, too, and he felt stupid for it. Even so, he didn't pull away. Maybe he should have. Yusuke seemed surprised and Ren himself was definitely shocked. Still, it felt right, it felt _good_ , and even _Yusuke_ wasn't pulling his hand away. Instead, he forced himself out of his self-imposed stupor and tugged on Yusuke's hand.

"Come with me, okay? I promise it'll be worth it."

Yusuke simply nodded, his eyes wide and his face flushed redder than the reddest paint he could've possibly owned. "Very well," he whispered, his voice a little shaky. "Lead the way."

As Ren twined their fingers and tugged Yusuke to the other side of the Sky Tower observatory, his heart pounded a mile a minute. In all Ren's experience, never in his entire life had a simple handhold felt so electric before. A few people were watching them, but Ren couldn't have cared less if he tried. They reached the window on the opposite side of the observatory, and Ren nodded toward the window, still holding Yusuke's hand firmly in his.

Quietly, Yusuke approached the window, and Ren watched his expression twist from curiosity, to intrigue, to the same wide-eyed wonder Ren had felt when he saw the view the first time. As his eyes stretched out across the skyline and the shadowy outline of Mt. Fuji in the background, it didn't even seem like he was breathing.

"Absolutely... breathtaking..." Yusuke murmured.

Ren laughed softly. "Literally, huh?" he asked, watching as Yusuke finally breathed, and laughed again. "See? There's Mt. Fuji over there, and the Arakawa River..."

Without turning his head, Yusuke breathed, "Incredible," and set to looking around with the same intensity as he had been on the other side of the room.

"I thought, y'know. Maybe it would inspire you," Ren mused.

Nodding eagerly, Yusuke answered, "You certainly have. Believe me."

The difference was so subtle that anyone else probably would have missed it. Ren, however, caught it clear as day. Ren thought the _view_ would inspire Yusuke, but for some reason, Yusuke thought _Ren_ had inspired him. As he stepped forward to stand next to Yusuke at the window, he frowned. How could _he_ have inspired Yusuke? Nothing about him was inspiring. Nothing. He was no one. No one Yusuke should have been wasting his time on, anyway. Maybe he was just reading too much into it. Yusuke hadn't meant it that way. Or maybe it was an accident, or Ren had heard him wrong. That had to be it.

"Good," Ren finally said. "The world is really beautiful. I can't wait to see how inspired you get as you see more of it."

Yusuke didn't answer right away. Finally, he tore his eyes from the window and looked at Ren. His eyes were gentle but appraising, and Ren could almost see the hundred million questions brewing beneath the surface. After a beat, Yusuke murmured, "I don't understand."

Ren quirked an eyebrow. "Understand what?" he asked.

Now, Yusuke's full focus was on Ren. He leaned sideways against the railing, the same way Ren had earlier. "Whenever we're together, you always try to inspire me, but you never get anything from it..."

Shrugging, Ren shook his head. "I get plenty from it," he insisted.

"I don't follow," Yusuke answered.

As Ren answered, he pointedly kept his gaze away from Yusuke. Instead, it was his turn to stare down at the city lights below with as much focus as he could give. "I like hanging out with you," he replied. "I... like your company. So, yeah. That's what I get out of it."

Yusuke was quiet for a couple of seconds, but when he spoke up again, he seemed surprised. "Oh. I see," he answered.

Whatever Yusuke thought he understood, Ren was pretty sure he didn't see the whole picture. If he did, he wouldn't be smiling the way he was when Ren took a glance at his reflection in the window. That same voice in the back of Ren's mind reminded him of exactly how screwed up their friendship was. The only reason they'd even met was because Madarame had hired Ren to let Yusuke fuck him. The first two times they'd met, Ren had actually been _paid_ to hang out with him. Yusuke was hundreds of thousands of miles above Ren. Ren was fully aware of how lucky he was that Yusuke would even spend _time_ with him.

The sound of Ren's phone in his pocket dragged him out of his thoughts. Yusuke seemed entranced by the view again, so Ren took the chance to pull his phone from his pocket and see who was messaging him. Immediately, he bit his lip. Futaba. His brow furrowed, and he debated whether he wanted to answer it or not. Messages from Futaba were always a hit or miss. Sometimes they were harmless memes, and other times they were weird things she'd seen in town and wanted to buy. Sometimes, though, she would send him online dating profiles of guys she thought Ren would be interested in. The _last_ thing Ren wanted was to open one of those and have Yusuke see it. It almost made him hesitate.

Inevitably, he decided to open it, though. The first part of the message was simply text. _I'm not sorry_ flashed across his screen, and Ren was pretty sure whatever she was sending was a meme. So, he continued to scroll to the next message. As soon as it showed up on his screen, his eyes shot open.

There, sitting inconspicuously on Ren's phone, was an image of Ren and Yusuke in Leblanc earlier. Ren had his hand on Yusuke's shoulder, and Yusuke was looking gratefully up at Ren. He remembered exactly when it had happened, too. It was right after Ren told them about his art, after he covered for the fact that Yusuke's life wasn't his own. There was something weird on Ren's face in the picture. Something he didn't recognize. His expression was strange as he looked at Yusuke, almost like Yusuke was the only person in the world who mattered. In the back of Ren's mind, he wondered if he looked at Yusuke that way all the time. The thought made a new crop of nerves spring up.

"A photo of us?" Yusuke's voice tore Ren from his downward spiral.

Ren blinked, lifting his head quickly and looking at Yusuke in a panic. "Oh! I... I'm—"

Yusuke seemed a little surprised, most likely by _Ren's_ surprise. "I apologize. I didn't mean to see it, but I turned to look at you and you—"

Shaking his head, Ren laughed awkwardly. "N-no, it's... it's okay. I wasn't exactly hiding it, so..." He shrugged and swallowed nervously. There was no use hiding it now, either, so he turned to show Yusuke the picture in greater detail.

"How did you get that?" Yusuke asked.

All Ren could do at first was laugh. Then, he sighed and ran his free hand through his hair. "Futaba. Remember how she was telling you she's into computers and stuff? Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if she has hidden cameras all over Leblanc, so..." With an awkward, nervous laugh, Ren forced himself to look back up at Yusuke. When he did, he almost wished he hadn't.

Yusuke's cheeks were bright red, but he was still staring at the picture on Ren's phone. "I see..." he mumbled.

"I'm sorry. I... I can tell her to delete it or something, if you—"

Yusuke shook his head quickly, snapping his eyes back up to look at Ren. "N-no! No, I... I don't mind. I was actually... I was going to ask if I could have a copy of it, too."

Immediately, Ren was glad the photo was on the screen so Yusuke couldn't see the barrage of text messages coming from Futaba, He knew what they were saying. Each and every one of them was telling Ren that Futaba knew how Ren was "into" Yusuke. He couldn't read them yet, but he already knew. Maybe she was right. Maybe, Ren was starting to realize, his attachment to Yusuke _wasn't_ just a "we're friends" type of deal. Whether it was or wasn't didn't matter, though. Yusuke deserved so much better than Ren; so much better than a whore who had been touched and fucked by dozens and dozens of other men.

What was worse—well, better for Ren, but worse for Yusuke—was that Ren knew he couldn't turn his back on Yusuke. At least not yet. Yusuke was already so miserable, pushed into the corner and forced to do the bidding of a greedy old man, and was only just starting to break free. If Ren suddenly stepped away from him, it was a genuine possibility that Yusuke would fall back into Madarame's trap and clutches. Ren would sooner let himself suffocate in his own potential feelings than let Madarame tighten his hold.

With that in mind, he raised his head and met Yusuke's eyes with a forced smile. "Sure thing. I'll send it right now," he answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're... SORT of making progress. A _little_. XD Not... really.
> 
> Thanks, as always, to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for being an awesome and supportive beta! I would totally be lost without her help!


	14. Two Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _if the heart is heaven,_  
>  _then tell me, would the mind be hell?_  
>  _and if i get too heavy for ya,_  
>  _let me know, 'cause i can't tell._  
> [two hearts](https://open.spotify.com/track/1WBGww5x3hB43BrFfEItQW?si=ccls0UL6Ts-KWeIfc6RyXg) ;; paper route  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAtxwcSH4v8) ] | { [lyrics](https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859441145/) }

Never in Yusuke's life did he think he would get the chance to go to an actual mansion. He stood outside Haru's house, gazing up at the massive door with wide eyes. The exterior of the house was endlessly impressive. Intricate designs stretched along the thick charcoal gray pillars, which stretched up over his head and to the small porch roof. Roses with long and winding stems mingled and twisted together with the tails of several fire-breathing dragons etched into the marble pillars, and while Yusuke waited for Haru, he found himself trying to find some sort of pattern. The roses definitely seemed like Haru, from what Yusuke had gotten to know about her. The dragons... not so much.

It had been about thirty seconds since Yusuke rang the bell and no one was answering. A part of him worried that maybe no one was home, but he distinctly remembered Haru telling him to show up in the early afternoon, and it was about two at the moment. He glanced at his watch, and then up at the door, before reaching up to ring the bell again.

The same singsong note rang out from the doorbell and Yusuke craned his neck to the side, looking through the windows lining the door.

Fortunately, it didn't take long for someone to answer this time. The door swung open, and while he expected to see Haru on the other side, he was slightly surprised when Ryuji answered instead. Yusuke had no idea they were living together. Perhaps he shouldn't have been too surprised, though. They were a couple, and from what Ren had told Yusuke, they were quite serious. They'd been together for several years, and according to Ren, Ryuji was merely waiting for the right moment to propose. Ryuji greeted him with a smile and a salute, before glancing at the covered painting in Yusuke's hands.

"Hey, Yusuke. You here with Haru's painting?" he asked, though the answer was probably pretty obvious.

Admittedly, Yusuke was a little bit nervous to be around Ren's friends without Ren, but he nodded once and smiled in return. "Yes. I think she is expecting me?"

Ryuji nodded and pointed over his shoulder. "She's in the garden. C'mon in, I'll show you the way," he offered, stepping to the side and inviting Yusuke into the house.

As Yusuke stepped inside, he went completely quiet and looked around. However impressive the house was from the outside—and it really was—it was even more impressive on the inside. The foyer was tastefully decorated with pastel purple walls and a pale pink, marble floor. Flowers decorated every windowsill in the room, and there were photos and paintings all around. An electric guitar and a drum set leaned against the wall, and Yusuke was honestly a little surprised to see both of those instead of the typical piano. There was a massive skylight on the ceiling, with several of the small sectioned windows open to let some of the spring air into the room.

"Sorry it took me so long to answer the door, by the way," Ryuji broke the silence and snapped Yusuke's attention away from his glance around the foyer. "I was trainin' upstairs and I thought maybe Haru'd hear the door. Dunno why I thought that, though. When she's in the garden she never hears anything."

Yusuke looked at Ryuji, at the sweat dripping from his body, and fought a cringe. He'd mentioned working out, and being interrupted, so it made sense, but that didn't mean the sight and smell were any less unpleasant.

Ignoring it for now, because Ryuji really was a nice person, despite his less-than-pleasant hygiene at the moment, Yusuke nodded and smiled. "I have been told I get the same way when I paint, it's okay. Besides, if she's outside, I can only imagine how much harder it is for her to hear the bell," he pointed out.

Ryuji shrugged. "Nah, she's got it rigged so she can hear it from anywhere. She's prob'ly elbow-deep in soil or somethin'," he mused, a fond smile creeping across his face as he spoke of his girlfriend.

Much to Yusuke's chagrin, he found himself slightly envious of anything involving couples lately. They always made him jealous when he thought of his burgeoning feelings for Ren, and when he _did_ think of Ren in that regard, he found himself feeling a strange, unfamiliar longing. It was frustrating, but he didn't let it distract him for too long.

Once Ryuji opened the back door, Yusuke's senses were completely overwhelmed with flowers. So many bright colors stretched across a long and winding path through Haru's massive backyard, and the aromas mixed to do more than enough to overpower Ryuji's post-workout smell. Wisteria, peonies, roses, hyacinth; it seemed like every flower Yusuke could possibly imagine was right before his eyes. The path was made of solid black cobblestone and lined with a black metal fence, a stark contrast to all the colors coming from outside of the path. How long must this garden have taken to plant? How long had Haru been at this? Questions took turns filtering through his mind as he followed Ryuji down the path.

"Lotta flowers, ain't it?" Ryuji asked with a wry grin, seeming to have noticed Yusuke's shock.

Yusuke laughed softly and nodded. "Yes. I know you all mentioned a garden, and I'm not certain what I was expecting, but this absolutely isn't it." He reached his hand over his head, gently caressing the blossom on a wisteria branch.

Ryuji chuckled softly. "Yeah, man, Haru's pretty intense about flowers. Every chance she gets, she's out here. She's been workin' on this garden since she was in high school," he explained.

It was quite impressive, but Yusuke had a feeling it was written all over his face. Suddenly, he worried that his basket of rainbow roses wasn't enough to satiate Haru's taste. Ren had told him it was, of course, but given the fact that this was his first solo commission, Yusuke couldn't help but feel a little anxious.

"Haru? You out here, babe?" Ryuji called affectionately out into the seemingly endless sea of flowers and plants.

A beat passed, and a curly head of hair appeared from behind a line of peony bushes. "Yes," Haru replied sweetly as she turned around, smiling lovingly at Ryuji. As soon as she noticed Yusuke, her eyes brightened a little more. "Oh! Yusuke! I didn't hear you arrive!"

With a chuckle, Ryuji elbowed Yusuke in the ribs. "Told you." He smirked.

Yusuke cringed at the post-workout odor once more, but kept his smile in place as he turned to look from Ryuji to Haru. "It's quite alright," he told her. "I was glad for the opportunity to see your garden. It's quite impressive."

The smile on Haru's face grew again, and she nodded eagerly. "Thank you! Believe it or not, this is only half of it! In the back corner of our yard, I have a massive greenhouse, where I grow the vegetables to supply Boss and Ren at Leblanc!" she told him as she opened the fence and joined Yusuke and Ryuji on the cobblestone path.

"So, the delectable curry Ren makes is partially attributed to you, then?" Yusuke remarked with a little smile.

Haru giggled and shook her head. "Oh, no. I wouldn't dream of taking credit for Ren's culinary prowess," she waved her hand and then leaned against Ryuji, completely unfazed by the workout smell.

With that, the three of them made their way back to Haru's house. It was a little strange, being in a stranger's home and being left to his own devices, but both Haru and Ryuji wanted to wash up from their respective strenuous activity before Haru looked over Yusuke's painting. After putting some coffee on to brew, Haru insisted that Yusuke make himself at home, and then both Haru and Ryuji wandered off to another part of the house to clean themselves. A grin crossed Yusuke's face as he looked at the bag Haru had taken the coffee beans from: Leblanc. No matter where he was, he couldn't escape Ren.

Not that he really wanted to. Not that he'd really ever tried.

Yusuke reached into his shoulder bag and took his sketchpad out, turning to his third attempt at a sketch of Ren. This one was much more refined than the others. It looked like Ren, but with Yusuke's artistic style spun into him. Something about the picture seemed off, though. Yusuke shadowed some of the open space behind his friend's head and neck, then looked it over, trying desperately to figure out how to make the image pop.

Before he got the chance, he heard a pair of footsteps coming from outside the door and quickly covered his sketch. When he turned toward the sound, he met Ryuji's eye with a nod and a smile. He no longer emitted an odor with the threat to kill all of Haru's flowers, and he looked significantly cleaner, too. He stretched his shoulders back, then glanced at Yusuke's sketchpad.

"Drawin' to keep yourself busy?" Ryuji asked.

Yusuke nodded. "You will soon find that I will drop everything in the world to draw, no matter how busy I am," he mused, grinning self-deprecatingly.

With a chuckle, Ryuji headed over to the fridge to get a sports drink. He popped the top and downed half of it in one large chug, then slumped into one of the kitchen chairs. "So, did Ren help you come up with somethin' for Haru?" he asked, eyeing Yusuke's still-covered painting where it rested on the counter.

Nodding and ducking his head bashfully, Yusuke looked over at the painting. "Yes, he did. I actually sketched much of the preliminary design on a train trip to the Tokyo Sky Tower with him," he admitted, thinking back to the evening with a fond smile.

"Huh. At first, I was thinkin' Futaba was just bein' weird, but I think she's right," Ryuji remarked as he reached into a small bag of pretzels and stuffed his mouth full.

Yusuke arched an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

With a one-shouldered shrug, Ryuji let his grin go a little sly. "'Bout how you and Ren obviously have a thing for each other, but how you're both too chicken to do shit about it," he murmured through a full mouth of pretzels.

On instinct, Yusuke's eyes shot open. He stared incredulously at Ryuji, who was casually stuffing another handful of pretzels into his mouth like he hadn't just said the most absurd thing Yusuke had ever heard in his life. Sure, he was interested in Ren. However, did that qualify as 'a thing,' or whatever vulgar terminology Ryuji had used? Besides that, Ren's feelings weren't even taken into account. Yusuke's own feelings didn't matter much, especially considering there was no way on earth Ren would ever reciprocate them. In the corner of Yusuke's mind, he thought back to all the times he'd _almost_ thought he saw something in Ren's eyes, but Ren always cut it short. It was obvious that the feelings were one-sided.

"I have... no idea what you're talking about," Yusuke lied, but even as he spoke the words, he could feel the heat rising to his cheeks.

No response came from Ryuji. Instead, Ryuji simply waved over Yusuke's shoulder. Yusuke turned, surprised by Haru's sudden presence, and suddenly all the more embarrassed. How much of that had she heard?

Haru sighed. "Ryuji, are you embarrassing him?" she chided, but there was a level of gentleness there, like she was only partially angry.

Finally, Ryuji shrugged. "I was just pointin' out how obvious he and Ren are about their feelings for each other. Can't get mad at me for that," he answered.

Gently humming and sighing, Haru shook her head and crossed the room to take the pot from the coffee maker. "Ryuji. I told you to either wait for me or to bring it up _delicately_ ," she murmured in playful exasperation, before gathering two coffee cups and the cream and sugar. "How do you take your coffee, Yusuke?"

"Uh... cream and two sugars," Yusuke whispered in reply, ducking his head and trying desperately to cover his face. "I can—"

Haru shook her head. "Nonsense. I'm already here," she insisted, before quickly putting Yusuke's coffee together and bringing it across the room to him. After she passed him the cup, she smiled at Yusuke. "However, I was going to bring it up to you as well. We were chatting with the others after we met you the other day, and we were talking about how _remarkable_ it is that you and Ren are as close as you are. Ren said you have only known each other for a couple of weeks. Is that true?"

Yusuke blinked. What was this all about? He'd come here to give Haru her painting, and then all of a sudden he was getting questioned about... what _was_ she questioning him about? In lieu of a verbal answer, Yusuke nodded dumbly and quickly busied himself with taking a drink from his coffee cup.

"I'm so glad," Haru continued. "Ryuji and I worry about him a lot. So do the others. As helpful and caring as he is, I can tell he carries so much weight on his own, no matter how much we offer to help him. There are so many things we don't know about him. It's good for him to have someone he trusts so much."

Did Ren really trust him that much? The line of thinking wasn't something Yusuke could comment on easily, or even get his own answers for. Much of Ren's story was told to him in confidence, and Yusuke was fully aware that Ren didn't want his friends knowing about his profession or anything like that. It was a shame, because if they did know, maybe they could help Yusuke convince Ren of how much better he was than the life he'd been forced into. Yusuke stared into his coffee cup in lieu of an answer, feeling slightly guilty for not being able to give Haru or Ryuji more information than they already had.

Haru's smile grew, and she shook her head gently. "Relax, Yusuke. It's clear that Ren has entrusted you with some information we don't have yet, which is absolutely fine. I'm not going to ask you for it. I'm sure if it was something truly important, Ren would have told us already," she added, taking a stool on the other side of the counter. "I'm simply pleased to see that Ren has someone who cares so much for him."

Again, Yusuke's eyes shot open. "I... I do care for him," he admitted. It wasn't like he was admitting anything weird by saying that he _cared_ about Ren, right?

With a nod, Haru turned to look at Ryuji, who stood up and joined her at the counter. She took a sip from her coffee cup, then continued talking. "Perhaps even, someone who loves him?"

The sip Yusuke was taking caught in his throat. Love? Had Haru just implied that Yusuke _loved_ Ren? He coughed, sputtering coffee onto his clothes, his closed sketchpad, and Haru's counter. "I... I'm sorry, I—"

When he looked up, Ryuji was already on the other side of the room, gathering a few paper towels to clean the mess. Haru stayed in place, shaking her head gently. "It's okay. I took you by surprise, and I probably should have expected such an animated reaction," she answered.

Ryuji wiped the coffee from the counter and Yusuke's sketchpad, then offered him a couple of paper towel squares. "Here. For your shirt."

Yusuke took the paper towels with a murmur of "thank you," and slowly started dabbing the coffee from his shirt, desperately facing his eyes anywhere but on Haru or Ryuji. They truly thought he was in _love_ with Ren? How could he possibly be in love? Just because his heart beat a little bit faster every time they touched, or because he always felt much, much safer when Ren was around, that didn't mean he was in _love_ with Ren, did it? Just because he'd stood up to Madarame, because Ren had given him the courage to start taking back bits and pieces of his life, that didn't mean he was in _love_ with Ren... did it?

"I'm... I don't think I'm in l-love with Ren," Yusuke stammered out a reply, still refusing to meet Ryuji or Haru's gaze. Strangely enough, just saying the words made Yusuke think of the possible truth in them even more. Was it really possible?

Humming thoughtfully, Haru folded her hands on top of the table. "Perhaps I'm wrong, then. I apologize," she offered calmly, but despite the calmness in her tone, she still had a smile on her face, and she and Ryuji were casting each other conspiratory glances.

A beat passed, and Haru turned her attention to Yusuke's painting. "Well, shall we get down to business? I'm quite intrigued by this painting, especially given what Ren has told me about your skills," she put her hands together eagerly.

It was a relief to have the topic turned away from Yusuke's feelings for Ren, finally. Yusuke was sure he would think about it later, when he was alone, but for now, he was endlessly glad for the chance to talk about something else. Yusuke was almost positive he was defining new shades of red with his face. The questions were so sudden, especially since they had only seen Ren and Yusuke together once. No matter how Yusuke felt, no matter how much he _wished_ his feelings were reciprocated, it was impossible.

"You have to give Ren as much credit for this as you give me, though," Yusuke admitted with a soft laugh. "He helped me come up with the idea."

Ryuji nodded and nudged Haru in the side with his elbow. "Drew the first sketch on the train with Ren on the way to the Sky Tower," he pointed out, then wagged his eyebrows mischievously.

Yusuke furrowed his brow, but nodded. "Yes. I hope you like it," he told Haru, before sliding the covered painting across the table to her.

Much to Yusuke's surprise, Haru's eyes sparkled like a child receiving a birthday gift. She lifted the sheet Yusuke used to cover the painting, and looked it over excitedly. "Rainbow roses!" she exclaimed giddily. "They're so beautiful! They look so real!"

"You like it?" Yusuke asked her.

Ryuji chuckled affectionately. "I don't think there was a better way to get Haru happy than rainbow roses. Good call," he mused.

Yusuke smiled. A painting he'd done, with _his_ signature at the bottom instead of Madarame's, was making someone else happy. The feeling was unfamiliar, but he understood exactly what was so rewarding about it, why other artists could be so addicted to the glory. He couldn't see himself ever being more interested in the glory than the art itself, but still, the smile on his friends' faces made him feel good. So good, in fact, that it was more than enough payment on its own.

Before he got the chance to tell Haru as much, though, she smiled and reached into her purse to gather her wallet. "Now, most of the paintings we have here cost a few hundred thousand yen," she explained with a hum. "This, however, is very lovely, and custom work, a combined effort between you and Ren. I feel I should pay more."

Quickly, Yusuke shook his head. "I enjoyed painting it, Haru. You don't have to pay me—"

"I won't hear any of that. This is a beautiful painting, and I want to compensate you for the time and effort you put into it," Haru countered, before he had a chance to finish.

Yusuke laughed softly to himself. "I... I suppose if you want to, I can't stop you," he admitted. Plus, he couldn't deny that it would be nice to have a little bit of his own money for once. "However, I refuse to take anything more than you usually pay your artists. Preferably less, because we are friends after all."

The answer seemed unsatisfactory to Haru, but after a shared look with Ryuji, she sighed and started counting out yen. "How about... this?" she stopped, extending her hand and offering a giant stack of yen to Yusuke. "One hundred thousand yen. It's somewhere in between what you would likely want me to pay you, and what I truly wish to pay you. A fair compromise, I hope?"

As Yusuke accepted the money, he blinked at the giant roll of yen in his hand. Madarame really only ever gave him enough money for paint supplies or other simple things, so he had never seen this much money in his own hands before. He'd seen Madarame count double, sometimes triple, this amount, but never actually held it in his own hand. The thought that he'd earned this with his artwork was astounding to him. He looked from the money in his hand, to Haru, then blinked in amazement.

"I couldn't… this is too much," Yusuke remarked, staring blankly at all the money in his hand. One hundred thousand yen, all of it his _own_ money. He ran his fingers along the coarse paper, trying to convince himself it was really there.

Haru smiled warmly and shook her head. "I insist," she told him. "This is really a small fee. If I had my way, I would be paying you triple this. I honestly don't mind."

With a chuckle, Ryuji added, "Trust me. She won't let you leave without it, Yusuke. If you try and give part of it back, she'll just sneak it into your bag," and smiled fondly at his girlfriend.

Yusuke turned his gaze from Ryuji and Haru to the money in his hand. Usually, in his life, if something seemed too good to be true, it was. However, Haru seemed adamant that Yusuke take this money, and there didn't seem to be any strings attached. He blinked, lifted his eyes, and looked at her, before asking, "Are you certain?"

She nodded. "You've more than earned it! This is a lovely painting!" she told him.

"Thank you, Haru... so much..." Yusuke whispered, shocked.

The very first thought to enter Yusuke's mind, while Haru and Ryuji spiraled into a conversation about where to hang the painting, was that half of this money rightfully belonged with Ren. Unlike Madarame, Yusuke would be sure to share the profits with everyone who deserved them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ever-perceptive Haru seems to have struck a chord with our sweet, blue-haired artist! :3 I wonder what will become of this information!
> 
> Thank you to the wonderful and talented [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations), both for being an awesome friend and (somehow) an even _awesomer_ beta! ♥


	15. The Writer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _we're interrupted_  
>  _by the heat of the sun,_  
>  _trying to prevent_  
>  _what's already begun..._  
> [the writer](https://open.spotify.com/track/2jfo71bLqJLL1PRttzBg9N?si=vmBtiks1RT2y4Blyr_6VSw) ;; ellie goulding  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-ru2glqXAg) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/elliegoulding/thewriter.html) }

Truth be told, Ren hated shopping. Or, maybe hate was a strong word. He liked shopping by himself. It was easier. Shopping trips when he was alone ended up being a lot shorter, which left him more time to relax when all was said and done. When he was shopping with other people, saying he hated it was probably a little closer to the truth.

Unfortunately, that was exactly the case today. Ren was being dragged around the underground mall by Ann, Makoto, and Futaba, who all had their own reasons for being out. Futaba wanted to go to the record store, to get some new album she had on preorder. Makoto and Ann were looking for new clothes—which, in this case, meant that they were pulling new clothes off the rack in the men's section and telling Ren how great they would look on him—and getting endlessly distracted by every single thing they passed by. Most recently, it was a fan at the Japanese goods shop, and Ren used the distraction to break away and do some shopping for himself.

Ren stopped in front of a rack of hoodies. He looked them over and felt a smile tugging his lips upward. Yusuke still had his hoodie, but that was okay. He could keep it. It honestly looked better on him than it did on Ren. As he rifled through the rack, he grinned when he thought back to exactly how comfortable Yusuke had looked in that hoodie. Comfortable, and really nice. Then again, Yusuke always looked really nice. He had nice eyes, a nice smile, a nice body... he shook the thought off and continued searching the rack for something comfortable to replace the one he'd given up.

That was when he saw it.

From the corner of his eye, Ren spotted a sketchbook, sitting on the sales shelf outside the leather goods shop next door. He paused, stepping away from the rack moving toward the next stall. The sketchbook was medium-sized, and covered with leather in the same shade of blue as Yusuke's hair. It was adorned with silver buckles and rivets, and the leather was engraved with the shape of a fox. It was strange, but the sight of the fox brought Yusuke's face into Ren's mind again. Yusuke had never really expressed any _interest_ in foxes, but for some reason, it made Ren think of him.

Without thinking, he picked the sketchbook up from the shelf and ran his fingers along the design. He bit his lip. As tempting as it was to buy this for Yusuke, Ren couldn't help but think it was weird. Yeah, Ren bought presents for his other friends all the time, but were he and Yusuke close enough friends for that yet? More importantly, would Yusuke even _want_ this sketchbook? He had so many sketchbooks and other art supplies, did he really need another one?

"There you are!" A familiar voice echoed out from behind him, and not even a second later, Ann leaned her body into Ren's space. "You wandered off! I turned to look for you, because I saw this shirt that would look totally amazing on you, but you weren't there!"

Ren chuckled and shrugged. "Sorry. Got a little sidetracked," he answered, immediately trying to draw as little attention to the sketchbook as possible. The last thing he needed was for Ann to see that he'd been thinking of buying a present for Yusuke. If she saw that, he'd never live it down.

In the end, his attempts were fruitless. The sketchbook caught Ann's eye almost immediately, and she tilted her head to get a better look at it. "What's that?"

"A sketchbook," Ren answered flatly.

Rolling her eyes, Ann gave Ren an annoyed look and huffed softly. "Wow, really? I never would have _figured_ it was a sketchbook, Ren, thanks for clearing that up! I was just wondering what you were—oh! Oh, I see!"

Ren furrowed his brow. "What do you see?" he asked her, though he knew immediately that he'd regret it.

With a smug grin, Ann pointed to the sketchbook. "A blue leather sketchbook with silver stuff all over it," she mused. "A _sketchbook_. A present for a certain tall, pale, and skinny artist who seems to be joined at your hip recently!" She tapped the top of the sketchbook for emphasis.

"Ann..."

Ann shook her head. "No, no, don't bother trying to hide it. All the signs are there. You're totally thinking about buying this for Yusuke, right? _Especially_ since it seems like you really don't want me to ask any more questions. That's pretty much the Ren signal for when I'm right," she pointed out, shooting a finger gun at Ren's head.

Sighing in exasperation, Ren decided that there was really no point in trying to deter her, especially since it was just a present. Yeah, Ren was a little bit worried that it was too soon for a weird and personal present like this, but just because he bought it now didn't mean he had to _give_ it now. So, keeping his expression calm and level, he looked at Ann and nodded. "Yeah, I'm thinking about buying the sketchbook for Yusuke," he admitted.

"So, why aren't you?" she asked.

Ren huffed another sigh and shrugged. "I don't know. It just seems like... a really personal present to buy for a new friend, you know? It's almost 15,000 yen, and Yusuke already has a lot of sketchbooks and art supplies, so—"

Ann shrugged. "So?" 

It was hard to explain. It was _really_ hard to explain. "I just... don't want to give him the wrong idea." Or, the right idea, Ren probably should have said. Whether it was the wrong idea or the right idea, he didn't want Yusuke thinking the present was anything more than just a present.

"What's so wrong about it?" Ann asked, her tone genuinely inquisitive.

Arching an eyebrow, Ren chuckled. "Uh... I don't want him to think—"

She waved him off, stopping him before he finished his sentence. "I _know_ what you don't want him to think, Ren, but why don't you want him to think it? It's not like it isn't true," she pointed out, like it was the simplest thing in the world.

It wasn't, though, and Ann could never really know why. Ren sighed and glanced down at the sketchbook. "Listen, Ann—"

"No, _you_ listen," Ann insisted. "I've seen you around a lot of people, Ren. You're a really sociable person and everything. But never, not in _all the time I've known you_ , have I ever seen you look at someone the way you look at Yusuke. I was talking to Makoto about it on the way to pick you up, actually. We were talking about how we were _so glad_ you finally seem to be into someone like this. Especially since he seems like a really nice guy! So, what's so bad about it?"

A million things. A _billion_ things. _Every_ thing. That was what was wrong with it. Ren didn't say as much, though. He stared blankly at the sketchbook and thought back to the night he'd watched The Purge with Yusuke. Yusuke's body up against his, the way they'd stared at each other, how close Ren had been to _actually kissing him_ that night…

It hadn't _felt_ wrong then, but Ren knew better.

As Ren snapped himself out of his thoughts, he turned to look at Ann and shook his head. "It's hard to explain," he answered.

"Okay, so don't explain it. Just tell me, do you like him?" Ann asked.

Ren frowned. Like that was an easy question. Of course, Ren cared about Yusuke. Yusuke already knew more of his secrets than anyone else in his life, too. It only made sense that, on some level, Ren would feel something for him. What _didn't_ make sense was exactly how fast his heart raced whenever they touched, or when they were close to each other. Ren wasn't a stranger to touch, but when Yusuke touched him, it wasn't like that. It wasn't just another person with their hands on him. It felt like a shock to his system each time, like his heart was trying to tell him something the rest of him hadn't woken up to yet.

Did that mean Ren liked him?

Before he could answer, Ann sighed and poked him in the shoulder. "Listen. All I'm saying is that it's totally not fair how someone nice like you, who always goes out of his way to make other people happy, never seems to let himself be happy," she pointed out. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm totally off base and you _don't_ have a thing for Yusuke, but... I don't think I am."

Despite Ann's persistent poking at his shoulder, Ren kept his eyes focused on the sketchbook. "I've never actually... been in a relationship before," he admitted.

"Not even in high school?" Ann asked.

Ren shook his head. "I was never really interested in any of the boys I went to school with. Even if I was, none of the ones who were into guys, were ready to admit they were into guys yet... so..." He shrugged and let his sentence trail off.

To Ren's surprise, Ann wasn't pushing him for any more information. Even so, she was looking at him expectantly, like as much as she _wasn't_ pushing, she really wanted to. Ren sighed and glanced down at the sketchbook again. "And I'd never really met anyone I was interested in dating exclusively since, you know?" Both the truth and a lie. He felt endlessly guilty for the lie part, but he _couldn't_ tell Ann the whole truth.

"Or to introduce to the rest of us," Ann mused with a chuckle.

Ren nodded and laughed. "Nothing really lasts long enough."

With a shrug, Ann placed a hand on Ren's shoulder and ushered him toward the counter. "Okay, so you haven't been in a relationship before, that's fine," she mused, then paused and shook her head. "Actually, it's not fine. It's kinda weird, considering you're cool and confident, and we've all tried to set you up on dates before."

Deep down, Ren knew she wasn't going to give up. Over the years, his friends were always relentless about trying to get him to date. Between Futaba sending him dating profiles, Ann talking to male models, Ryuji talking to other athletes, and Makoto asking around the precinct to see if any other police officers were interested (which was Ren's least favorite of the bunch for obvious reasons), they'd really never relented. To them, it probably just seemed like Ren was being difficult because he never really gave them a _reason_ why he wasn't interested in the guys they tried to set him up with.

Realistically, though, Ren knew he wasn't good for anyone. If there was one thing he'd learned from watching his friends, it was that relationships were about honesty. Getting into a relationship with someone _before_ telling them he was a whore was a really bad idea, but getting into a relationship with someone _after_ they found out he was a whore wasn't possible. Even Yusuke was probably disgusted when he thought of all the men Ren had been fucked by before.

Ann was still looking at him expectantly, and Ren breathed a heavy sigh. This was why he was so hesitant to bring the situation up with her. Both because she was truly relentless when it came to things like this, which made it harder to cover for himself, and because he _knew_ she really just wanted what was best for him. It made him feel a lot worse about the lies. Ann had been his friend for longer than almost anyone else, so lying to her for so long was even harder than it was for most of the others. Every time he almost broke and told Ann the truth, he remembered the position it would put her in with Makoto.

All it really did was prove to Ren exactly how worthless he was... and exactly why he didn't deserve his friends, or someone like Yusuke in his life.

"You know what I think?" Ann asked, crossing her arms as she moved them another step.

Ren had no idea where Ann was taking him, but he was also fully aware that it was pointless to argue with her when she decided something was going to happen. Which was also why, with a resigned sigh and a put-upon look in her direction, Ren murmured, "No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me anyway."

She nodded. "Damn right I am. I think you're being so stubborn because you're scared of something," she said matter-of-factly.

"Ann..." Ren tried to slow her down a little.

As usual, Ann wasn't to be deterred, though. "No, don't 'Ann' me like you think I'm way off base, because I've totally known you long enough to know when you're scared. This is one of those times. You're scared of _something_ , and I think I've finally figured out what it is," she declared, moving Ren another step forward alongside her.

Raising his eyebrow in curiosity, Ren silently urged Ann to continue her thought.

Immediately, he wished he hadn't. Ann shrugged her shoulders and smirked. "I think you're scared because you're finally into someone enough to actually want to date them, but because you've never actually _dated_ someone more than once or twice, you have no idea what to do," she finished, poking him in that same spot in the shoulder.

Ren wanted to tell her she was wrong. He wanted to go down a list of a hundred, a thousand, a million reasons why she was wrong, why he _wasn't_ and _couldn't be_ into Yusuke. As much as he wanted to, though, he knew he couldn't. So, he didn't. He didn't list, he didn't tell her how wrong she was... he didn't answer. He couldn't answer, because he was becoming increasingly aware of exactly how right she was.

"Ren," Ann called his attention, grabbing his shoulder and turning him to face her. "I don't know a lot about a lot of things, but I'm pretty sure I know some about romance."

Ann was probably right about that. She and Makoto had been together longer than any couple Ren knew. They'd gotten together in high school, and managed to stay together through all the weirdness that always came between high school and adulthood. They'd stayed together through Ann's modeling gigs taking her to every corner of the world, and when Makoto's police work took her away from home for a long time, too. They'd made it through small fights which they looked back at and laughed, or huge fights which ended with Ann sleeping on Ren's couch for a couple of nights while they worked it out. Ann definitely knew about romance.

As Ann stepped forward, Ren subconsciously followed her and nodded his head. "I know you do," he answered.

Tucking some hair behind her ear, Ann chuckled and nodded. "Okay so, why are you denying what's _so_ obviously there?" she asked. "Ren, I _know_ you aren't blind to romantic feelings. You're the one who pointed out to me how into Makoto I was before I even knew, and you're about seventy-five percent of the reason Ryuji was brave enough to ask Haru out, remember?"

"I remember," Ren answered.

Ann laughed. "Okay, so why are you being so stubborn here? Why won't you just _admit_ you have some feelings for Yusuke?" she asked, poking him in the shoulder as they stepped forward again. "You're in _love_ with him!"

Finally, Ren managed an answer. "I'm not in love with him!" he shouted.

The second the words escaped, Ren cringed. Several people around them turned to look at Ren like he had two heads, and Ren's shoulders tensed, suddenly acutely aware of how loud he was and exactly what he'd just said. Heat flooded his cheeks, and he tried to cover his face with the hand not holding the sketchbook.

"Wow," Ann mused with a little chuckle. "I don't think I've ever heard you shout like that."

Ren groaned and let Ann lead him another step forward. "Just... throw me into the road, please. Let me get hit by a car or something," he murmured.

Nudging Ren with her shoulder, Ann shook her head. "Nah, though I stand by what I said. You're in love with him," she continued. "That's why you're denying what you feel so much. I mean, what other explanation could there be?"

"Oh, I don't know, that I'm _not_ in love with him, maybe?" Ren commented sarcastically, under his breath and through gritted teeth.

Waving her hand dismissively, Ann shook her head. "Nah, considered that, already decided it can't be possible," she mused.

With a sigh, Ren looked away from Ann, finally taking stock of exactly where he was. That was when the realization dawned on him. While he was too focused on trying to refute her claims, Ann had led Ren right to the front of the line at the leather goods shop. Ren still had the sketchbook in hand, and the clerk behind the counter was staring at him like she was waiting. There was no one behind Ren in line, so Ren looked from the clerk, to the sketchbook, to Ann, and blinked dumbly.

"Ann, you moved me into the line," Ren murmured.

Ann shrugged. "So what if I did? You still don't have to buy it... but I think you should," she pointed out. "I know you aren't, like... ready to admit anything or whatever, but maybe someday you will be. And even if you're not, it's not like it's _weird_ to buy a present for a friend if it makes you think of them, right? If you wanna get it for him, get it for him!"

She had a point. Ren and his friends bought presents for each other all the time. Birthday presents and presents for holidays, sure, but it wasn't like this was the _first_ time Ren had bought a gift for a friend just because. So, why was he hesitating? Shaking off the last waves of hesitation, Ren walked up to the counter and set the sketchbook down. Even if he didn't give it to Yusuke right away, he could put it away for later. He eyed the sketchbook as the clerk slid it into the bag, then turned around to look at Ann once the transaction was complete.

"Happy now?" he asked.

Humming an affirmative, Ann beckoned for him to follow her. "I am! You bought it, which pretty much confirms that I'm right, whether you admit it or not. So, I have my smug moment, you have your present for your 'just a friend,' and everyone wins!"

As angry as Ren wanted to be, he couldn't help but be amused by Ann's satisfaction with herself. He rolled his eyes and looked at the ceiling. "So, where to now, Lady Ann? Since you're pretty much the one calling all the shots today," he teased her.

"To find my girlfriend and your little sister," Ann told him. "Then, we're gonna _finally_ go clothes shopping."

Ren laughed to himself, following Ann out of the leather goods store and toward the record store. Despite his smile, his mind was reeling. As glad as he was that Yusuke got along with his friends—as glad as he was for Yusuke to finally have a chance for a normal life—he worried. He worried that he wasn't the right person to _show_ Yusuke what a normal life could be like. Maybe Ann would be better, or Makoto, or Ryuji, or _anyone_ but him. Even so... he still couldn't bring himself to put a stop to it. He was quickly coming to realize that it wasn't _just_ for Yusuke's sake.

It was for Ren's own sake, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave it to Ann to get to the bottom of things... whether Ren will admit it or not. PROGRESS IS BEING MADE, THOUGH! Slow, slow progress.
> 
> Thanks, as always, to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for reading through this and making sure I didn't screw my continuity up! LOL! Her fic [Bloodbound](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18137045/chapters/44496949) has a new chapter out with some fun worldbuilding information in it! Check it out if you haven't already!


	16. Islands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _you must become an island,_  
>  _and see for yourself the horizon is all we have..._  
> [islands](https://open.spotify.com/track/661ZfXbuoFYd3NkgnqaQ3v?si=R4JPJ0VTS1Cv2DusWLXIgg) ;; sara bareillis  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcX1DchmKgY) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarabareilles/islands.html) }

Torrential rain always seemed to provide Yusuke with an endless supply of creative energy. Whether it was the sound of the rain hitting the tin roof at Madarame's house, the occasional roar of thunder, or the way the lightning lit everything around the house once in a while, Yusuke wasn't sure. Whatever it was, however, it ignited Yusuke's creativity, and he found himself almost finished with Madarame's latest commission. The cliched insult of a farmhouse almost seemed to be glaring at Yusuke from the page. Madarame had insisted that the client wanted something "simple" this time. Something with "none of the flash you tried on that skyline, are we clear?"

As Yusuke thought back to the words, he couldn't help but feel like Madarame's hands were tightening around his neck again. He felt trapped, miserable, bored to death by the thought of painting yet another bland and boring landscape painting when he felt like his passion truly lied in other artwork.

Ever since Haru's commission, since she'd paid him and he'd been forced to hide his money away for fear of Madarame taking it before Yusuke had a chance to give Ren his share, he'd felt more and more restricted by Madarame's rules. Every time Madarame restrained him, it felt like another nail through his heart. No matter what he tried, he couldn't bring himself to find passion in a project like a farmhouse, when there were several, far more interesting images he hadn't been able to chase from his mind. The first image was of Ren. More accurately, the drawing of Ren he'd been working on for weeks now. He'd made considerable progress since his visit to Haru's house, but he was finally satisfied enough with the drawing to justify putting it to a canvas.

The paint would make all the things he found beautiful about Ren pop. He could mix just the right colors to make the perfect color of his skin or the shade of his eyes or the shadows of the darker bits of his hair, everything that made him perfect in Yusuke's eyes. Ren was the most exquisite person Yusuke had ever seen. The graceful way he walked, the silky smooth sound of his voice, the way his fingertips left little pools of electricity on Yusuke's body whenever they touched... Yusuke really wanted to paint him. Because of Madarame's refusal to let Yusuke do his own work, he hadn't had the time.

Secondly, Yusuke wanted to draw the image Futaba had sent Ren. Without realizing it, Yusuke set the palette down on his table and gathered his phone, scrolling through it until he found the picture. Yusuke had never felt any desire to paint a self-portrait before, yet he couldn't help it with this picture. Just looking at the image felt right. It was difficult to explain, and doing so would involve things Yusuke didn't fully understand, but everything about the image as he looked upon it made Yusuke feel like _that_ was where he belonged. He felt like he belonged with Ren, having Ren close, sharing a smile with Ren over some little secret no one else in the room was privy to.

Yet, here he was. Sure, Yusuke had taken back parts of his freedom, but he still felt indentured to a man who would sooner stifle everything that made Yusuke an individual to turn him into an art slave. As much as Yusuke wanted to, as much as his heart _ached_ to be with his friend, he _couldn't_. Madarame would be beyond incensed.

As if telling Yusuke how right he was, a loud crack of thunder rumbled in the sky, shaking his entire room. Yusuke sighed and looked back to the farmhouse painting.

The third thing Yusuke wanted to paint, funnily enough, also involved Ren in an indirect way. It was strange, Yusuke thought. All the time he spent feeling restricted by the thought of painting a city skyline, and suddenly, he wanted to paint another. His mind kept cycling back to the Tokyo skyline as he'd seen it from the Sky Tower. The twinkling lights, and Mt. Fuji in the distance, he could see all of it in his mind's eye just as clearly as he'd seen it through the Sky Tower window that night. He wanted to paint it. Not even for himself, but as a gift to Ren.

All three images spun in Yusuke's mind, drowning out any inspiration he felt to paint Madarame's commission. They all teamed up against him, and even as Yusuke turned back to his canvas, palette back in hand, he found himself completely unable to focus. He thought of Ren's reaction to his situation, how he likened it to slavery. For the first time, Yusuke thought of _himself_ , too. He thought of how ashamed he was at even the _possibility_ of Ren's friends learning the truth of things. For the very first time in his entire life, Yusuke felt as though, maybe, he shouldn't _have_ to fear people finding out about the way he lived his life.

For the _very first time_ in his _entire life_ , Yusuke allowed those feelings to take hold without encouragement. He glared at the farmhouse commission, before taking it from his easel and leaning it against the wall a few feet away. He considered destroying it, but quickly decided that he wasn't ready to defy Madarame quite that much yet. Instead, he left it alone and turned around. He gathered his sketchbook, and turned to his sketch of Ren. The thought of his friend made him smile without even realizing it.

After he gathered a new canvas and put it on his easel, he propped the sketchbook up on his table and glanced at his phone for a moment. The playlist Ren made him, of bands Ren thought he would like, echoed out through the room. Yusuke smiled again. In such a short amount of time, Ren had gotten to know him so well and already learned his taste. The song playing was calm, soothing, and gentle; the perfect accompaniment to a rainy night spent painting. He made a mental note to thank Ren later.

For now, though, he had other priorities. He gathered his pencils and made a quick sketch, loosely based on the pose and smile Ren was giving in the sketch from his sketchbook. After that, he picked his palette up, taking his time to carefully select from his best paints. He had to find the _perfect_ ones to capture Ren's beauty. The easiest decision was the background. Vibrant red, matching the passion radiating from Ren... and perhaps the passion Yusuke felt _about_ Ren. With a smile to himself, he swirled his brush into the red paint and lifted it to the canvas.

Before he could so much as make a single stroke, the door to his room slid open and he completely froze in place.

"Yusuke, I've been commissioned again. You are to paint me a sunset and—" Madarame started, but just as quickly as his booming voice filled the atelier, he stopped. When he spoke up again, his voice was significantly louder, and echoing with anger. "What is _this_?"

Yusuke still hadn't moved. The brush dripped red onto the floor, and Yusuke finally managed to speak. "Sensei—"

Madarame shook his head sharply, cutting Yusuke's explanation short. "What. Is. This?" he snapped, gesturing dismissively to Yusuke's painting and sketch with his upper lip curled in disgust.

It was strange, how Madarame's dismissal of anything involving Ren emboldened Yusuke more than anything else. It didn't matter to him, what Madarame said to him. He'd heard it a thousand times. However, this treatment of Ren would not stand. "I was working on something of my own. As you can see, I've made considerable progress on the countryside painting, so I—"

" _So_ ," Madarame cut him off, "you thought you would waste your time and my supplies on a painting and a sketch of a _common whore_?"

Anger stoked the flame in Yusuke's gut, the red hot fire of rage burning from within and prodding him into action. Without even realizing it, he turned upon Madarame, casting him an angry glare. "Don't call him that," he rumbled. His voice surprised even him. It was lower than usual, a threat more than a suggestion. For once, he didn't care. He couldn't stand to hear Madarame disrespect the man who had helped him so much; the man who had saved both his art and his _existence_ from melting away into nothing.

As expected, Madarame didn't take the defiance well. At first, he looked surprised. His eyes were wide for just a couple seconds, before his expression changed, contorting into anger of his own. "You forget your place, Yusuke," he threatened in return.

"No, I don't," Yusuke replied. "I am simply asking you not to use that word in reference to him anymore."

Madarame's face twisted in angry amusement, and he laughed dismissively. "Why, exactly, would I do that? It's what he is, is it not?" he asked, glaring at Yusuke's drawing as he picked the sketchbook up.

Yusuke shook his head, his own anger making the motion sharper and faster than he expected. "He is a human being—"

"Who has been paid to seduce you twice," Madarame snapped. "Just because you touched his filthy body does _not_ make him anywhere near me. You owe _me_ your life. Not him. You'd be wise not to forget that!" By the time Madarame finished speaking, he was shouting, waving the sketchbook angrily in Yusuke's face.

Inside Yusuke's mind, he was screaming back. He was telling Madarame how wrong he was, telling him how _everything_ he thought about Ren couldn't have been further from the truth. Between his own lingering doubts about Madarame and his unceasing gratitude for everything that Ren had done for him, he couldn't help but feel like Ren was so far beyond Madarame, both as a person and in Yusuke's life. In their short time knowing each other, Ren had done more for Yusuke than Madarame had in all twenty-five years of Yusuke's life. Why, then, was Yusuke still here? Why was he here when he wanted to be there, with Ren?

Before Yusuke could speak up and voice his doubts, Madarame spoke up again. "You know," he spoke calmly, coolly, as he glared at the sketch in Yusuke's sketchbook. "I think all this time spent out in public has been counterproductive, Yusuke. It is putting thoughts into your head."

"But I—"

Madarame narrowed his eyes and shook his head sharply. "But _nothing_. I'll not have you thinking a filthy, dirty, _useless_ whore is worthy of your canvas and brushes! From here on, you are _not_ to leave this house unless I accompany you. Are we clear?"

Yusuke didn't answer. The fire was burning hotter and hotter, despair mixing with anger and causing his blood to boil higher and higher. No, this couldn't be happening. Not only had Yusuke _earned_ his freedom, but he _deserved_ it, even without that stupid deal he'd made with Madarame. He was _twenty-five years old_ , for heaven's sake. So, no. Yusuke wasn't clear on _anything_. He wouldn't agree to Madarame's demands, and he _refused_ to let Madarame rule his life anymore!

"Or," Madarame cut his thought process off. "Do I need to make absolutely _sure_ you don't follow this silly illusion? Perhaps a call to the Tokyo police will encourage you. If nothing else, having them lock him up for solicitation will prove to you that this _object_ you fancy is nothing but a tool for you to use for your pleasure."

Anger flared around the desperation to keep Ren out of trouble, and Yusuke stepped closer to Madarame. "Don't _talk_ about him like that!" he snapped.

A grin crossed Madarame's face. "So, you don't mind if I—"

"No!" Yusuke shouted. "P-please don't!"

The grin Madarame wore grew even wider and more malicious. "Then we have an agreement?" he asked.

Despair set in fully, the chill dulling anger's flames and making Yusuke's previously tense posture slump miserably. So, this was it? Yusuke knew it was too good to be true, that happiness like what he felt when he was with Ren was impossible to maintain. All it took was a quick word from Madarame, a simple threat, and it was all over. Yusuke would never see Ren again, Ren would forget he existed, and Yusuke would never get to tell him how he...

" _Do we have an agreement_?" Madarame snapped.

Yusuke's voice was so quiet, so desperate when he responded, even he could barely hear it. "I... yes."

"Yes?" Madarame urged.

A lump choked him, pushing back against his heart's plea to refuse, to run past Madarame and go to Ren now. "Y-yes, sensei," he choked out. "We... have an agreement." The only thing keeping him from breaking down in tears was the desperation not to let Madarame see him cry.

The slick smile on Madarame's face made Yusuke sick, and that sick feeling only _doubled_ when Madarame tore the sketch of Ren out of Yusuke's sketchbook. "Good," he answered simply. "And just so you don't get any ideas about wasting any more of your time and my supplies with _this_?" He tore the sketch of Ren asunder, first in half and then in quarters, then down from eighths to sixteenths, smiling wider at Yusuke's shocked gasps. When he was finished, he tossed it haphazardly to the floor.

As the paper floated to the ground, Yusuke reached one hand out for it futilely. How long had he worked on that sketch? How many hours had he poured into it? Now, all that was left were tattered pieces on the floor. The lump pressed harder against Yusuke's throat, threatening to make tears well up. He stared blankly at the paper on the floor, holding his shaking hands close to his sides and trying to calm himself so he didn't break in front of Madarame.

However, Madarame wasn't done yet. "As for this? I think I'll have you destroy it. That should help you focus on what's truly important."

"But—"

Madarame wagged a finger in the air and clicked his teeth at Yusuke. He walked over to the shelf Yusuke kept his paints on, and gathered a large tube of black paint. Crossing the room again, he lifted Yusuke's hand and pressed the tube of paint into it. "Come now, Yusuke. Someday, you will thank me for this. Erase the whore from your life."

Yusuke couldn't speak. The thought of erasing Ren from his life left him feeling hollow, to the point that he just wanted to disappear. Madarame was asking him to take the one person who had ever made him feel fine with the way he was, and let him go, step away from him… erase him.

Of course, Yusuke didn't want to.

Tears built behind his eyes as he looked at the black paint tube in his hand. Quickly, the hollowness was replaced with another furious fire, threatening to consume his entire being. He absolutely couldn't stand to hear Madarame talk about Ren like that, and he very much wanted to explode, to go off, to tell Madarame to go to hell. To leave his space, to never talk about Ren again, to let Yusuke _go_. He desperately wanted Madarame to stop holding the life debt Yusuke never even asked for over his head. For his whole life, Yusuke had been made to feel that he existed solely to serve Madarame. Finally, one person in the world was able to make him see that it wasn't necessarily true, and now… Yusuke would never be able to see him again.

"I'm waiting, Yusuke," Madarame threatened. "You know I'm not a terribly patient man."

It was sheer will that kept Yusuke from breaking down in tears as he squeezed the black paint from the tube and onto his palm. The cold, slick feeling of the paint was a perfect representation of how his heart felt. Will turned back to desperation not to let Madarame see him cry as he lifted his shaky, black-dripping hand and slid slowly it across the sketch of Ren's face. The only thing that kept him going was the realization that, if he didn't do this, Madarame would definitely call the police, and Ren would go to prison. Everything he'd cultivated to protect himself would've been for nothing.

Even so, his chest hurt, and there was a heavy lump in his throat that threatened to strangle him. Yusuke pushed on the canvas, so hard his fingers tore through it. He dragged the rip open further, and clung to the canvas like he was clinging to the last bit of Ren in his life—which he may as well have been, he realized—and the levee holding his tears back cracked a little more. The tears almost welled up, the lump in Yusuke's throat almost bubbled over, as Yusuke stared at the black, tattered mess that was once his painting.

When Madarame spoke next, Yusuke could hear the cruel victory in his voice.

"Good. Now, pull yourself together, clean yourself up, and get back to work. I'll tell you about your next commission tomorrow."

Despite his words, Madarame still stood, waiting in silence, and Yusuke realized he was still expecting an answer. Pulling his voice from his throat, Yusuke strangled out a demure, "Y-yes, sensei..."

And then, Madarame left. Yusuke listened to the door slide closed, and then as Madarame's voice rumbled down the hall about how pathetic Yusuke was. Only when he was sure Madarame wasn't coming back, did Yusuke allow his tears to get the better of him. They started at a slow roll, and then continued to grow more and more intense, until he was sobbing in a mess of crumpled paper and black paint on the floor. He sobbed until his throat was raw, laying on the floor for at least an hour. He could hear his phone going off in the background, the text tone he'd given Ren so he could always know when his friend was trying to contact him, and the sound only made him all the more miserable.

How was Yusuke supposed to tell the man who had come _so close_ to saving him, that they couldn't see each other anymore?

Slowly, hesitantly, Yusuke sat up on the floor. He used the heel of his clean palm to wipe the tears from his cheeks, wiping the almost-dried paint from his palm and onto his shirt. In a bit of bitter irony, it left a giant black spot over his chest, right where his heart was. He picked himself up from the floor, desolation threatening to knock him back down at any second as he crossed the room and lifted his phone to respond to Ren's messages... to deliver the news that the last time they'd spoken was goodbye.

However, as he looked at the photo he'd left on the screen, he hesitated. It was the photo of the two of them at Leblanc, the one Futaba had sent Ren. He looked so happy, so proud of himself and so glad to be there with Ren. He didn't _want_ to let those feelings go.

Yusuke could hear Ren's voice in his mind, telling him how wrong it was. Ren's voice drowned out the emptiness, the soft, low tone seeping into his ears and completely overpowering everything Madarame said. What would Ren say? Ren would tell him to leave. Ren would tell him, just like he had before, how Yusuke's debt to Madarame had long since been paid. Ren would remind him that he wasn't an art slave, that he deserved to live his own life. Yusuke _wanted_ to live his own life. He wanted to leave, to walk away from Madarame's house and never look back. He wanted to but...

Could it really be so simple?

Yes. It could. Madarame was probably sound asleep by now, and most of the other students were out until later that night. Out, living their lives, doing what Madarame refused to allow Yusuke to do. If he was quiet, if he used the discretion he used before, Yusuke could pack his things and leave. He didn't know where to go, but he knew he couldn't stay here any longer.

So, that was what he did. With a tearful look at his destroyed painting, Yusuke turned away and packed as many of his own things as he could find. Clothing and the necessities, of course, but also as many canvases as he could fit into a large suitcase. His smaller paintings, the personal ones about the shadowed figure, he stacked up to carry and covered with a waterproof canvas cover. His best paints and his good pencils, dozens of sketchbooks… all the things he needed. Yusuke took his cell phone but shut it off, and made a mental note to have Ren ask Futaba if she could make it untraceable for him.

Yusuke was sure the time he took to pack was more than enough time for Madarame to fall fast asleep, so he hurried through the quiet, dark halls of Madarame's house and down the stairs. Just as he expected, there was no one down there. The students still in the house were either hard at work or fast asleep in their rooms. With great trepidation, and with his heart threatening to hammer from his chest, Yusuke stole out the back door of Madarame's house and out into the downpour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all knew this was going to come to a head eventually. D: Poor Yusuke!
> 
> Thanks to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for being amazingly wonderful and betaing this, and helping me plot out so much of this fic! She's the best, y'all!


	17. Heart Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _it's just you and i tonight,_  
>  _why don't you figure my heart out?_  
>  _you got something to say?_  
>  _why don't you speak it out loud,_  
>  _instead of living in your head?_  
> [heart out](https://open.spotify.com/track/3srofwWlFzNqgSmRI9YbFY?si=4RFpu7KSQt2uml0DzYAoiw) ;; the 1975  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9xA1Lvd37E) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/1975/heartout.html) }

Torrential rain was among Ren's least favorite weather. He didn't like getting wet, especially when it was cold outside. The sound of the thunder and the flashes of lightning didn't _scare_ him, but he would've been a lot more comfortable if it was just light rain. Besides, rain like this always kept him from Shinjuku.

Leblanc was a little bit eerie during thunderstorms. When it rained, it wasn't so bad, but during thunderstorms, it was always a fifty-fifty chance for Leblanc to lose power. The last time there was a blackout, Ren remembered exactly how much stock they lost, and how much of a nightmare it was to order it all again. He'd spent the whole day crunching numbers and on the phone with companies even though the shop never opened, and it was endlessly exhausting. The rain was so heavy tonight, the thunder and lightning so intense, that he wouldn't be surprised if they lost power again.

It would suck, too, because Ren had plans with Yusuke. Being stuck crunching numbers and restocking again would put a damper on those plans. They were planning on meeting in Shibuya the next morning, to go to the theater and buy a ticket to every single movie playing. To be honest, as Ren looked over the list of what _was_ playing, none of it looked even vaguely interesting, but he didn't care. Spending time with Yusuke made it more than worth it.

In fact, Ren would probably be willing to sit through every single bad movie in the world, as long as Yusuke was there with him.

Thunder crashed overhead, and Ren came to the realization that it had been quite a while since he'd heard from Yusuke. Sometimes, it took Yusuke some time to respond. When he was painting, especially now that he finally seemed to have his passion back, he would take a little while. Tonight hadn't really been like that so far, though. Yusuke was working on another of Madarame's commissions, and had called Ren's messages a "welcome distraction from the monotony of dreadful landscapes," so Ren was surprised at how quiet Yusuke had gone. They'd been talking about their plans for after their movie marathon, and now it had been about an hour since he'd heard anything.

Maybe Ren was seeing something when there was nothing, but he couldn't help the creeping sense of dread welling up in his gut. He considered the old man and frowned. Someday, somehow, he would make Yusuke see how much better off he was without Madarame. He didn't know how, but he knew he had to. Madarame was holding him back from his true potential. If the commission Yusuke received from Haru wasn't proof enough, the proof had to be out there somewhere. As much as Yusuke thought he owed Madarame, Ren couldn't help but feel like the price had been paid, with interest.

As he thought about it, he reached down and picked his phone up, typing a quick message to Yusuke. _Hey, you still there? Wanna make sure the boredom of the commission hasn't strangled you!_ he joked, hitting send and then sliding his phone back under the counter.

Quickly, he set about busying himself to occupy his mind. He organized the day's receipts and started counting out the register to close the shop. Rainy days were always so slow. Slower than most days. Some days, Ren wondered how Sojiro kept the place afloat. Ren knew he had money saved away, and some sort of inheritance he'd gotten from Futaba's mother. Leblanc was more of a passion project for Sojiro than an actual source of income, so no matter what happened, Ren was sure Sojiro would find a way to keep the place afloat. It was a good thing, too. It gave Ren a source of income other than selling himself... just in case the day ever came when he felt like giving it up.

The thought of Sojiro finding out was almost enough to make him want to stop already. If it ever happened, Sojiro would almost definitely fire him. He'd be thrown out on the street, just like he had back when he was sixteen, and then Makoto would put him in jail.

Not for the first time—at least since he met Yusuke—Ren found himself thinking about quitting. Forcing thoughts of his _other_ job away, Ren shook his head sharply and turned toward the money he'd counted from the register. He'd have to brave the rain tonight to drop it off at Sojiro's, but that was fine. He gathered his phone and checked to see if he'd missed a message from Yusuke.

Nothing.

Without asking permission from his brain, his hands immediately started typing out another message. _You still painting, Yusuke? I know that's a dumb question, but..._

Even as he set his phone back down on the counter, he couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't quite so simple. The only time Yusuke didn't answer texts was when he was in the middle of his own paintings. In the back of Ren's mind, he couldn't help but worry that something had happened. Maybe it was irrational to jump right to assuming the worst, but that was just the way Ren's life had always been. The second things started going well, the second he felt like things were good, or right, or it might be safe to let himself be happy, that was when the rug was pulled out from under him and everything went wrong.

No. It couldn't happen this time. It _couldn't_. If something bad happened to Yusuke, just because Ren had been so selfish as to let himself get too attached... there was no way Ren would ever forgive himself.

Ren was jumped out of his thoughts by the sound of Leblanc's hanging bell. He jumped, stood straight, and looked toward the door in surprise. The surprise only multiplied when he saw none other than the very object of his thoughts and worries standing there. Any joy he might've felt upon seeing Yusuke's face died completely upon seeing his expression and posture. Instantly, that joy was replaced with even more concern. Yusuke was soaking wet with rain, his clothing clinging to his skin all over the place and his hair sticking to his forehead and dripping in his face. It was surprising, sure, but Ren's concern outweighed the surprise in an instant.

Beyond the obvious discomfort of being soaking wet with rain, he looked miserable. Devastated. Like the weight of the world rested squarely on his shoulders and like he was seconds away from tears. In fact, though the rain would've hidden any current tears, his eyes were definitely red and puffy, like he'd been crying recently. However, the second he laid eyes on Ren, some of the tension and sadness faded. He wasn't relaxed quite yet, but it looked like just the sight of Ren was making him feel a little bit better.

To be honest, Ren could genuinely say he understood the feeling. He felt the same way whenever he saw Yusuke.

"Yusuke?" Ren called, trying to gather Yusuke's attention.

Yusuke, who until this point had been looking around Leblanc like he was glad to have reached some kind of safe haven, turned to meet Ren's eyes. With their gazes locked, the puffiness around Yusuke's soft gray eyes was all the more obvious, and Ren found himself wondering what _exactly_ had happened. Only then did Ren notice the oversized, packed-full, soaking wet duffel bag behind Yusuke's back and the covered paintings under his arm.

"Hey, are you okay?"

At first, Yusuke didn't answer. He simply blinked at Ren, then glanced down at himself, before speaking again. "I'm… I'm afraid I'm s-soaking your floor…" he murmured, his voice thick and shaky—both with cold and with emotion—as he lifted his head to look at Ren again.

Ren rushed around the counter, shucking his apron on the way and shaking his head. "Hey, don't worry about that, okay?" he insisted. "I'm not worried about the floor, I can just sweep and mop it again."

Once Ren got to Yusuke's side, he lifted his hand and put it on Yusuke's arm. He was as cold as he was soaked. "You're freezing."

Visibly shivering, Yusuke hugged his arms to his chest and nodded. "I suppose… I sh-should have put a coat on. I wasn't thinking clearly, I-"

Ren shook his head again and pushed some of Yusuke's soaking wet hair from his face. The intimacy of the gesture didn't even occur to him at the moment, nor did the way Yusuke was watching his every single move attentively, like he was desperately searching for some sort of affirmation or comfort. All he really cared about was making sure Yusuke was safe and sound, and that Yusuke wasn't worried about the floor or how soaking wet his clothes were. The puffiness of his eyes was even more pronounced from this close, in spite of the great lengths Yusuke was going to, in order to avoid Ren's gaze.

Craning his neck to catch Yusuke's eye, Ren slid his hand down Yusuke's arm and took his hand. "Hey. Are you okay?"

The silence he got in reply told him more than any words could have. Ren laced their fingers together, squeezing gently and straightening his neck. Much to his relief, Yusuke kept his gaze. "I… I'm—"

"If you don't want to tell me yet, you don't have to, okay?" It was obvious that something had happened, but Ren didn't want to force him to talk before he'd composed himself. "Let's… let's see if we can get you a warm shower and into some dry clothes. I don't have a shower upstairs, but we can go over to the bathhouse or something, or maybe to Sojiro's?"

Ren paused. Yusuke really didn't look like he would want to be in the public bathhouse. He looked upset, devastated, and being in public like that would only make it worse. "We can go to Sojiro's, okay? I shower over there some days when I don't feel like using the bathhouse, so you can take one over there while I drop off tonight's profits, and then when you finish, we can come back here." He didn't try to force Yusuke or anything, but if Yusuke stayed in those soaking wet clothes, he would catch a cold.

Much to his surprise, Yusuke managed a nod. "Yes. Th-thank you," he spoke through chattering teeth, his voice a quiet shadow of the voice he usually used with Ren.

As Ren closed the shop, and Yusuke picked his duffel bag up, Ren found himself once again wondering exactly what had happened. Even so, once Ren closed the shop, he took Yusuke's hand, held it tightly, and gathered his umbrella in his other hand. Then, the pair of them stepped out into the downpour.

For the entirety of the walk to Sojiro's house, Ren couldn't help but notice how much closer Yusuke was standing to him than he usually did. Yusuke practically leaned against him, and Ren figured it was probably because Yusuke was cold. Maybe he would've been better off without the umbrella. It was fine, honestly. It was more than fine. Ren didn't mind sharing his warmth with Yusuke, and he _really_ didn't mind having Yusuke pressed so close to him. Yusuke obviously needed the support, and Ren was there for him for as long as he was needed.

After explaining the situation as Ren knew it to a very confused Sojiro, he gave Sojiro the nightly deposit, then went to catch up with Futaba while Yusuke showered. He was unable to wipe the concern from his face as he sat on Futaba's bed.

"You okay, Renren?" she asked, stretching and turning her back on her computer. "You look like you're even more worried than usual, which is saying something."

Ren nodded. "Yeah, it's… it's not me I'm worried about," he answered.

With a nod, Futaba hummed to herself as she leaned her chin into her hands. "Yeah, I saw the whole thing on my Leblanc Cam," she muttered, pointing at a small monitor sitting on a shelf otherwise filled with games. "Thought it was gonna be the Doc or one of the other usuals comin' in this late, but when I saw Inari, looking like that…"

The Leblanc Cam was something Ren had gotten used to a long time ago. Fortunately, he knew all the proper angles and ways to stay out of the lens, for those moments when he just wanted a little bit of privacy. Even _more_ fortunately, he'd managed to convince Futaba _not_ to put a camera in his room somehow. He'd also kept his phone safe, at least as far as he knew, because if Futaba had any idea about his night job, she'd never actually said so.

"Something must have happened," Ren answered.

To be honest, Ren was equal parts worried and hopeful. Maybe Yusuke had finally stood up for himself. Maybe he'd _finally_ told Madarame where to go and how to get there. If he had, it would've made perfect sense for him not to feel great about it now. Ren couldn't imagine the old man taking it well.

Futaba nodded. "He has a bag with him. Maybe he needs somewhere to stay?" she asked, her voice holding more concern than Ren would have expected.

It didn't matter. If Yusuke needed somewhere to stay, he had it. "He can sleep on my couch. Or the bed, and I'll sleep on the couch," Ren muttered, thinking back to the state of Yusuke's room and how he deserved somewhere _comfortable_ to sleep. Not on a futon.

"Oh, so you guys are gonna share the bed then?"

Ren huffed and shook his head. "No, Futaba."

Futaba smirked and shrugged. "You can't tell me you don't like him. I don't care what you say, I'll never believe you," she pointed a finger gun at him and pulled the imaginary trigger.

Snorting indignantly, Ren huffed. "Then there's no point in me answering, is there?"

Truth be told, the answer was a lot more complicated than that. Ren was decently sure Futaba was right. Each time they were in each other's presence, Ren became more and more aware of exactly how right she was, in fact. How could he not like Yusuke? Yusuke was beautiful, kind, creative, and one of the most genuinely honest people Ren had ever met in his life. Ren wasn't stupid or blind enough not to recognize exactly how amazing he was, and exactly how lucky and unlikely it was that Yusuke would even waste his time with someone like Ren. So, of _course_ it was natural for some kind of interest, some kind of feelings to develop.

Even so… it didn't matter.

Ren was nothing. Ren had always been nothing, and Ren would always _be_ nothing. Yusuke deserved so much better than someone who had been touched and fucked by more people than he could even remember anymore. He deserved someone as amazing as he was, someone who could show him the love and support he deserved. He deserved… way better than Ren. So, no matter how Ren felt, in the end, nothing could ever happen. No matter how much Ren wished it could.

With that decided, he quickly excused himself from Futaba's room before she could make an even bigger deal of Ren's feelings and try to get him to confess to something he wasn't ready for yet. He paused when he closed her door, leaning against it for a second and heaving a sigh as his head made contact with the wood. If Ren was a better man, if Ren was _anyone_ else, he would've gone for the chance to be with Yusuke _immediately_. If he was good enough, if he had what it took to make Yusuke happy, to show Yusuke the care and comfort he deserved, there was nothing Ren would have wanted more.

Instead, he dragged himself out of his slump and headed down the hall to the living room, where Sojiro sat watching the nightly news. Leaning against the door frame, Ren cleared his throat. "Thanks, by the way," he said. "For letting Yusuke shower and not making, y'know, a thing out of it."

"It's just a shower," Sojiro snorted from his seat, lifting his hand and waving dismissively at Ren. "Plus, the kid looked like he could use some hot water."

Ren hummed a soft laugh and nodded. "Yeah, something happened. I dunno what it was, but he just... showed up like that," he murmured. He turned his head, glancing toward the bathroom and the shower. Not knowing what had Yusuke so down was the hard part.

As Sojiro stretched his arms up over his head, he finally turned and looked at Ren. "I'm sure you probably would've let him crash up there anyway, but he can stay up there with you as long as he needs to," he answered with a soft chuckle.

"Oh," Ren nodded. "Uh. Thanks. If you need me to, I can pay extra rent, and—"

With an exasperated sigh, Sojiro shook his head. "I've already told you a hundred times that I don't even want _you_ paying rent," he reminded Ren. "I only take it 'cause you won't take no for an answer."

Ren shrugged. "I mean. I just don't want you to think I—"

"I know, Ren. I've heard it a dozen times," Sojiro remarked, waving Ren's explanation off just like he always did. "Can't really fault you for wanting to be responsible, can I? It's fine. Just... you don't have to pay extra rent just to have your boyfriend crash with you, okay?"

Tension shot its way up Ren's spine and into his shoulders as he gaped, wide-eyed, at Sojiro. Even _Sojiro_ seemed to be under the impression that there was more between Ren and Yusuke than there really was! If he'd caught on, Yusuke _had_ to have caught on, too. "H-he's not my... he's not my boyfriend!" he insisted. "We're friends. He just needs a place to crash and—"

Sojiro cut him off again, this time with a laugh and a shake of his head. "You can't trick the master with his own lines, Ren. You know how many times I told people Wakaba and I were just friends, before we finally got together?" he asked.

"A lot, I'm assuming?" Ren asked.

Snorting derisively and laughing softly, Sojiro nodded. "Understatement," he told Ren. "Mind if I offer you some advice?"

Ren blinked at first, then nodded. Advice? Yeah, he definitely needed advice. How was he supposed to ignore his feelings for Yusuke? How was he supposed to pretend his heart didn't leap out of his chest every time Yusuke smiled, or his body didn't wake up more each time they touched? If Sojiro had advice on anything like that, Ren would take it and appreciate it.

The advice Sojiro offered wasn't for any of those things, though. He heaved a sigh and leaned back in his chair, beckoning for Ren to sit down on the couch. Once Ren was settled, he finally spoke up. "The one thing I regret with Wakaba is that I waited as long as I did to make my move," he pointed out. "In the grand scheme of things, we only had a couple of months together, but if I wasn't such a damn coward, we could've had a lot more. You never know what's gonna happen tomorrow, Ren. He might not be your boyfriend _now_ , but I can tell you want him to be. Don't... make the same mistake I did, okay?

"What if..." Ren paused, swallowing thickly and huffing a breath of laughter. "What if I don't feel like I'm good enough?" he asked. 

Sojiro barked a loud laugh and shook his head. "You never will. That's how you know he's really special to you," he pointed out. 

Blinking in surprise, Ren furrowed his brow and shook his head. "So... I'm supposed to just hope he's willing to lower himself to someone who's not good enough for him? What if he's not willing?" 

"He is," Sojiro answered. "Whatever happened, you're the first person he came to. He obviously trusts you." 

Ren shrugged. "And that means he's into me?" he asked incredulously. 

Sojiro chuckled softly. "No. It means that he _trusts_ you. The way you two were holding hands and the way he was leaning on you when you knocked on my door means he's into you. Are you into him?" he asked, taking a sip from his coffee cup. 

The question was simultaneously simple and difficult to answer. Sojiro wasn't like his friends. He didn't mince words at all, and he usually caught onto little white lies easily. Ren had never been able to get away with lying about how he was feeling or what he was thinking like he could with Futaba and the others. So, as much as he wanted to lie and tell Sojiro that no, he wasn't into Yusuke, he couldn't. Not only would Sojiro see right through him, but Sojiro would see right through him and call him out on the lie. Swallowing nervously, he glanced down at the floor, and nodded once. 

"I... think I am," Ren admitted aloud for the first time. 

Leaning back in his chair again, Sojiro shrugged. "Then do something about it. Bet he wants you to," he answered. 

Ren was quiet as he glanced down at the floor. Do something about it. Could it really be that simple? Could he really just... do something about it? If what Sojiro said was true, the feeling of not being good enough would never go away. Did he want to pull Yusuke down into the slums with him? The thoughts swirled around in his head, drowning out everything else and bringing a sigh up from his chest. Fortunately, before he could drown in his own mind, Yusuke appeared in the doorway, looking much cleaner and drier now. Ren was vaguely aware of the conversation between Yusuke and Sojiro—Sojiro was asking if Yusuke was okay, Yusuke was thanking Sojiro for letting him use the shower—and before he knew it, both of them were looking at him expectantly. 

With a nervous smile at Yusuke, Ren asked, "You wanna head back? I'll make you something to eat." 

Yusuke replied with an eager nod, and as Ren picked the umbrella up, he heard Sojiro over his shoulder, reminding him to take the next day off. It wasn't like Ren needed the reminder, but still, it would be nice to take a day and make sure Yusuke was really okay. As they left and Yusuke resumed his position leaned right against Ren's shoulder, Ren thought back to Sojiro's words. Yusuke _was_ special to him. Yusuke trusted him. Did he want to take the chance? Did he want to risk their friendship just to satiate his own feelings? 

Maybe, _maybe_ , if the opportunity presented itself, he'd do something about it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Progress! Lots and lots of progress. ;D
> 
> Thanks to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for reading this over and making sure it makes sense! I always appreciate your input, friend!


	18. On The Safest Ledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _could you be happy to fall like a stone_  
>  _if you land right here safe in my arms?_  
>  _it's fine, lock all your doors through the night,_  
>  _keep it all right here safe in my arms... it's fine._  
> [on the safest ledge](https://open.spotify.com/track/5ZwQxYmBRdRgrAuuwvy3Sw?si=u-PY9ZJiQ2-RgPUmpu5gLg) ;; copeland  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYl7nZX_6Vw) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/copeland/onthesafestledge.html) }

Within Leblanc's walls, Yusuke already felt like Madarame and his words were a thousand light years away. He was warm and comfortable—freshly showered and dressed in clean clothes and Ren's hoodie—and he felt much safer with Ren around. His chest still ached with the loss of the sketch he'd worked so hard on, and for so long, but being with the subject of the sketch made him feel slightly less empty.

Yusuke sat quietly, watching as Ren bustled around Leblanc's kitchen and started brewing a pot of coffee. While it brewed, he cooked a serving of curry for the two of them, and Yusuke couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty. Ren's shift had probably long since ended. What if he had other plans? What if there was something else he needed to do and Yusuke's presence was keeping him from it? He lifted his eyes and watched Ren closely for a few seconds. It was strange. Yusuke sensed a bit more intent in his movements. He was far more serious than before, a little solemn, and Yusuke couldn't help but feel guilty. It was obviously his fault.

"You don't have to do that, Ren," Yusuke told him.

Ren shrugged and nodded. "I know. I'm not doing it because I have to," he answered.

After that, they fell further into silence. The coffee finished brewing, and Ren slid Yusuke a cup, already prepared with Yusuke's preferred cream and sugar mixture inside. In spite of his worry and guilt, Yusuke allowed himself the smallest smile as he picked the cup up, allowing the warmth and comfort of the drink to work through his body and permeate his being before he'd even taken a sip. The feeling only grew when he finally _did_ take a drink. He could feel the coffee's warmth as it slithered down his throat and pooled in his stomach. A smile crept back to his face.

Unfortunately, the smile only lasted a few more seconds. As the curry boiled in the pot, Yusuke watched Ren bustle around the coffee shop and do some last minute cleaning. He mopped up the doorway—the dripping pools of rainwater which had fallen from Yusuke when he'd shown up unannounced—without a complaint. In fact, he even went out of his way to reassure Yusuke that he had nothing to feel guilty about.

Yusuke, of course, didn't agree. After a particularly long drink from his coffee cup, he heaved a heavy sigh and stared into the smooth tan liquid inside the cup. Out of nowhere, he'd shown up at Ren's door as though he belonged there, and now Ren was forced to bend so far back, to go so far out of his way just to make Yusuke feel comfortable... of _course_ he needed to feel bad.

The warmth of Ren's hand clasping his shoulder snapped him out of his downward-swirling thought process. "I'm serious, Yusuke, okay? You don't have anything to worry about," he promised. His tone was soft, warm, gentle, the same voice he always managed to use with Yusuke.

"But I..." Yusuke stammered, his face contorting in frustration. "I imposed myself on you, and—"

Ren cut him off with a shake of his head and a smile. "You're not imposing, Yusuke. I told you, you could always come here. You're welcome whenever."

"But I—"

Again, Ren cut him off and brushed his thumb along the back of Yusuke's shoulder. The simple touch felt like it was pushing the tension right out of Yusuke's body. "And don't worry about leaving, either. I've got spare blankets upstairs, so you can crash up there with me as long as you want to."

Every time Yusuke thought Ren Amamiya couldn't be any more amazing, he was proven wrong. How was it possible for a person to be so kind? Much to Yusuke's surprise, Ren's kindness, his amazing and unrivaled generosity, was almost enough to make Yusuke stop thinking about what happened that night. Almost. Instead, the warm swell within his heart was quickly replaced with a second fire inside his stomach. It didn't rage quite as high or as strong as it had back at Madarame's, but it brought his mind back to exactly how horrible Madarame truly was. When Madarame looked at Ren, he saw nothing but Ren's other job; nothing but a life he was forced into—a life he didn't even want.

Yusuke didn't understand. Ren was so much more than that. Ren was so much more than a job he'd been forced into. Yusuke still didn't know the circumstances which had forced Ren into that corner, but he knew that they were unimportant. He never asked, because that particular aspect of Ren's life was such a small part of him.

It infuriated Yusuke, how Madarame was so willing to cast aside what made Ren the beautiful, kind, amazing person he was. Yusuke's own struggles with Madarame barely registered on his radar at the moment. What infuriated him was exactly how heartless Madarame was toward Ren. Calling him a whore, treating him like an object—thinking of him as someone who Yusuke could simply erase from his life—it was unforgivable. Yusuke would sooner remove Madarame any day of the week. Yusuke lifted his eyes, watching Ren as he stirred the curry around again, and realized exactly how right his decision was.

Ren looked concerned about something, like he was miles away, worried. Yusuke worried, too. Despite Ren's assurances, Yusuke couldn't help but worry about imposing; that Ren had finally realized how much of an inconvenience it would be to have Yusuke around. If Ren thought so, he never said as much, and Yusuke was honestly too exhausted to bring it up himself.

They stayed silent together until Ren finished cooking, and then they turned to head upstairs to Ren's room. Ren's warm cinnamon and vanilla scent pierced the aroma of the coffee and curry, and Yusuke thought to himself that he'd never felt quite so at home somewhere before.

As Ren pulled a table out from the storage area in the corner of his room, he made Yusuke relax on the couch. Ren moved the table close to the couch so they could sit together, and then set their food and coffee down. It must have been a subconscious reaction, because before Yusuke even realized what he was doing, he had closed the distance between them, leaning against Ren until he could feel the warmth of Ren's body through his clothing. Ren didn't move away, and Yusuke felt the heat rushing to his cheeks. The heat only intensified when Ren took Yusuke's hand again, lacing their fingers together and providing him with more tangible comfort.

Yusuke stared at their twined hands and felt a smile twitching his lips upward again. It wasn't the first time they'd touched, but it felt just as good now as it did then.

Picking his fork up in his off hand—it was awkward and unwieldy, but Yusuke couldn't be bothered to care because he would sooner not eat at all than stop holding Ren's hand—Yusuke stabbed at a piece of chicken and took a bite. It tasted just as amazing as Yusuke remembered, and between the warmth of the coffee, the taste of the curry, and the feel of Ren's warmth, Yusuke could already feel more of his tension melting away. It wasn't gone, and Yusuke was almost sure it would never be completely gone, but just knowing that Madarame hadn't won—he hadn't kept Yusuke away from Ren and now he wouldn't get the chance—made Yusuke feel way better than it had any right to.

It was that feeling, more than anything, which made Yusuke finally speak up. "Thank you," he told Ren.

"Don't mention it," Ren dismissed gently.

Yusuke shook his head. "No," he murmured. "Not just for the food, or the place to sleep. For... everything."

"Everything?"

With a nod, Yusuke chuckled softly. "Being my friend. Showing me how amazing the world can truly be. Helping me see that... that maybe I'm _not_ made to be stuck..."

Yusuke trailed off suddenly, stabbing at a piece of daikon and then a piece of chicken. As he took another bite, he realized one thing above all else at the moment. Ren deserved to know what happened. He'd been so amazing to Yusuke, helping him to see that there was more to him than just an artist meant to serve Madarame's whims. Still, Yusuke found himself afraid. If he told Ren the truth, what would Ren think? What would he say?

"Yusuke, you don't have to tell me anything right now, okay?" Ren assured him. "You've had a rough night, and—"

As grateful as Yusuke was for the consideration, though, he shook his head. "No. No, I... I do have to. I want you to know."

Ren was quiet for a couple of seconds as he took a bite of his curry. "Well... okay," he answered, finally. "But take your time alright? Eat some and just... relax. You're safe here, okay?"

Yusuke turned his head to glance at Ren, and a smile curled his lips upward again. He couldn't help but marvel at how different Ren was from the first impression Yusuke had gotten. Of course, Yusuke had been attracted to that first impression quite soundly, too. However, it was only part of the story. Ren's confidence, the air of untouchability he'd given off that night, had been attractive in its own way. This version, however, the version which had peeked through the cracks more and more as they got to know each other better, was even more attractive. Ren was kind and caring, endlessly affectionate, and always went to great lengths to ensure that everyone around him was well taken care of.

Even something as simple as holding Yusuke's hand, letting Yusuke lean his full weight against Ren as they ate their meal, was more than Yusuke had ever received from anyone in his life. Which was why...

"I fought with Madarame," Yusuke admitted.

Ren nodded. "I figured as much."

The very second the words came out, Ren completely abandoned his meal and turned his full attention to Yusuke. He didn't move, because Yusuke was still leaned pathetically against him. It was almost as though Ren's body was the only thing propping Yusuke up, lifting him and keeping him from sinking completely into the couch. That was what Ren did for him: propped him up and cared for him. How Madarame could think someone this kind, this caring, was a bad influence on Yusuke was a mystery Yusuke hoped he never understood.

With a bitter laugh, Yusuke hummed. "It was only was the second time I ever stood up to him. It felt… remarkable at first," he admitted.

"At first?" Ren asked.

Yusuke nodded. "He took it as expected."

"Not well then?"

Laughing quietly and bitterly Yusuke nodded again. "I believe that is the largest understatement I have ever heard anyone utter," he answered. "No. Not well at all. He..."

With all his heart, Yusuke did want Ren to know the truth. Ren deserved to know everything about him, from how he never got to know either of his parents or what really happened to them, or how he had spent the majority of his life feeling like he'd never had anyone to rely on. He wanted Ren to know exactly how important their friendship had become to him, exactly how much he cared about Ren and exactly how much Ren meant to him.

Even so, Yusuke realized that meant telling Ren exactly what Madarame said about him. It meant regaling to his friend, his beautiful, warm, selfless friend, how Madarame saw him as nothing more than an object. It meant seeing that look on his face. _That_ look. The look that told Yusuke exactly how accustomed Ren was to hearing such comments; the look that led Yusuke to believe that Ren saw himself the same way Madarame did. Yusuke didn't seem him that way, though, and he vowed to make sure Ren understood that clearly as soon as he finished the story.

"I was working on something of my own, and he caught me," Yusuke explained, his cheeks heating up as he realized exactly what the rest of the explanation would entail. "It was... it was a painting of you. In its preliminary sketch phase."

Ren was quiet for a few seconds—too long; long enough for Yusuke's mind to be sent reeling with all the possible ways he'd just ruined everything—and when he finally spoke up, his voice was a near-silent whisper. "M-me?"

Yusuke nodded. "Yes. Y-you," he murmured nervously.

The ensuing silence made the air feel heavy, and Yusuke was reasonably sure he'd never been quite so embarrassed in his life. He forced himself to break the silence and continue. "Madarame... he didn't approve. In fact, he was furious. And that's... that's when he started saying horrible things about you."

"Horrible things," Ren murmured. "Pretty sure I know what they are."

The dismissive tone in Ren's voice upset Yusuke more than he expected. It was almost as though Ren was shrugging the comments off, like they didn't matter to him. Maybe, in most cases, that would have been a good thing. Most of the time, when people were capable of shrugging off horrible comments and not being bothered by things people said about them, it meant they were so confident that they were above such concerns. In Ren's case, Yusuke had a feeling it wasn't confidence keeping him from being bothered. Yusuke knew, because he'd seen Ren dismiss those kinds of comments as being "true, so it's okay" on more than one occasion. All that brand of "self-assurance" did was make Yusuke hate Madarame more, and want to go back to the atelier and tell him off all over again.

Instead, Yusuke settled on squeezing Ren's hand and continuing his story. "I told him not to."

"Yusuke..." Ren's tone was chastising.

Yusuke could already tell what he was going to say next, and he shook his head sharply. "No, please don't tell me that I shouldn't have, because I _should_ have, and I'm absolutely glad I did."

Once again, Ren went quiet for a second. "But you—"

It was Yusuke's turn to cut him off. He shook his head. "But I would do it again, given half a chance," he insisted.

Now, it was Ren's turn to look ashamed. A sidelong glance in Ren's direction showed his posture slightly more slumped, and a dismal expression on his face. He still allowed Yusuke to lean against him, but judging from the way his head was turned, he was staring at the floor, keeping his eyes away from Yusuke.

Yusuke refused to allow him to blame himself, though. "Ren, he was trying to tell me to cut you out of my life," he pointed out.

Ren tensed. "He was what?"

"He tore up the sketch I've been working on since the day we met, made me destroy my painting, and told me that I was no longer allowed to go outside without him," Yusuke answered, feeling the same rush of red hot anger as he'd felt when Madarame talked down to Ren. "He said I should erase you from my life, because..."

In a soft voice, Ren finished his sentence for him. "Because I'm a whore..."

Yusuke turned his body toward Ren now, shaking his head adamantly. "Don't call yourself that, Ren," he begged.

"Yusuke, it's what I am."

Anger flared up again. Not at Ren, but at Madarame and the people like him who took a beautiful person like Ren and cut him down until he couldn't see himself as anything but a job he didn't even want. "No. You are not. Please don't refer to yourself like that again, Ren. You are..." He paused, the staunch and unshakable tone in his voice faltering for a second as he struggled to find a way to describe Ren and avoid revealing his burgeoning feelings. "You are my friend. My kind, selfless, caring friend, who is so much more than a profession he was pushed into by a string of bad luck."

Ren's eyes fell again, and he shook his head sharply. "A-anyway. Back to Madarame," he muttered.

Yusuke frowned. So determined was Ren to think poorly of himself, that he refused to hear anything Yusuke was saying. Still, he glanced down at their laced fingers and continued his explanation. "I had to leave. I couldn't stay anymore, Ren. He was... he was going to..."

"He was going to turn you into an art slave," Ren finished for him.

Yusuke nodded. "Yes. So... I left," he mumbled.

Once Yusuke finished speaking, Ren started to fidget his fingers a bit, touching Yusuke's thumb with his own thumb and then tracing the length of the digit. It tingled on his skin, much the way it usually did when Ren touched him, but it was also soothing, quelling the angry fires in Yusuke's gut and dulling them into the pleasant warmth Ren's presence always filled him with. Ren was quiet, and when Yusuke hazarded a glance his way, he could see Ren's gaze a million miles away. There was a mysterious mix of emotion on his face. Yusuke could see the familiar pride and happiness, like he'd seen back at the Sky Tower, but at the same time, he looked a little distracted. Maybe it was lingering doubt about Yusuke's defense, or maybe he was concerned about Yusuke's well-being.

Before Yusuke could figure it out, Ren spoke again. "Good. I'm glad you left."

"Yes," Yusuke agreed with a smile as he followed the movements of Ren's thumb. "I think it was a combination of your encouragement, and the fact that I didn't like having to lie to people about my art. It felt... shameful. I was used to feeling shameful for Madarame's misdeeds, but I think I needed a little push to see exactly how twisted it was."

Ren seemed surprised. "And you got that push... from me?"

Yusuke nodded. "I did."

Again, Ren seemed hesitant, and Yusuke noticed that it seemed to happen every time Yusuke gave him praise for something. With a frown, Yusuke squeezed Ren's hand in return and tried to reassure him. Just as quickly as the hesitation appeared, Yusuke watched Ren force it away and replace it with a smile that didn't quite shine as brightly as his usual smiles. He still looked at Yusuke encouragingly, but there was a lilt of doubt and dark loneliness there, which Yusuke only recognized because he had felt the same way for most of his life. Yusuke followed Ren's finger as it absently traced his thumb again, noticing that it seemed to leave little tingles in its wake. His touch was soft and tender, much more so than any other time they'd held hands like this.

"Can I ask," Ren's voice cut through the silence, "why you stayed there, to begin with?"

Yusuke frowned. It was a fair question, and something they had touched upon before. Yusuke still hadn't gone into full detail, but he supposed he had nothing to lose at this point. Maybe Ren would look at him a little differently, once he realized how pathetic and lonely Yusuke really was, but for once… Yusuke didn't think so. Ren had never judged him before, Yusuke had to believe he wouldn't start now.

With a soft chuckle, Yusuke shrugged. "It's not a terribly interesting story," he confessed.

"I think everything about you is interesting," Ren answered.

As shocked as Yusuke was by the words, it looked like Ren was twice as shocked. He completely stopped tracing Yusuke's thumb, and was staring at Yusuke with wide, surprised eyes. Yusuke had been called many things. Weird, annoying, eccentric, and even interesting. Never before had anyone said it with quite the tone Ren had just used, though. There was no intimidation, no annoyance, there was just… softness. Warmth. The same kindness that drew Yusuke to Ren. More than anything, that was what compelled Yusuke to answer.

Focusing his eyes completely on Ren's finger as it went back to tracing his thumb, Yusuke hummed softly. "My mother died when I was a young child," he explained. "I don't think I was any more than three, but I don't know exactly when, because whenever I asked Madarame about her, it only made him furious and ended with him forcing me to continue with my work. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now that I have seen more of the world and know what normal families look like, I am fully aware that they were reasonable questions."

"More than reasonable," Ren murmured.

Yusuke nodded. "I never knew who my father was," he continued, "just that he died shortly after my mother learned she was pregnant with me. I'm not sure of the circumstances, but it all ended with Madarame being the only person willing to take me in."

Even without looking, Yusuke could almost feel the disapproval radiating from Ren. "So... he made you feel like you owed him for taking care of you when you were a kid?" he asked.

"Yes," Yusuke nodded. "And for helping me to hone my skills. He taught me most everything I know, but when I started learning my own tricks and adding my own flair to paintings, he changed. He stopped encouraging me to grow, and started limiting me to work solely on his commissions. For a time, when I was in my late teens, the only time I truly had to express myself was when I was in school."

Ren snorted derisively. "Sounds like he was jealous, because you're so much better than he is," he murmured in annoyance.

Yusuke hummed in agreement. "Perhaps. Whatever it was, it made him start limiting me, more and more," he explained dismally. "I was unable to go to college, because he wanted me focusing more on work. When I pointed out how a college education could perhaps make me more efficient and help me learn more tricks, he limited me even further. That's when he started disallowing me to leave the house without him, and restricting what I could and couldn't watch..."

"Either because he was afraid you'd see how unhealthy your relationship with him was, or because he was afraid of you getting even better, and someone seeing your potential," Ren suggested. "Maybe a little of both."

It was a depressing idea, but the more Yusuke thought about it, the more it seemed like the truth. "I suppose that makes sense," he mumbled.

Ren shrugged. "Isn't that what happened? You got away for a while, saw some of the world, saw how wrong he treats you... and look where you are now," he pointed out, his tone soft and encouraging as he squeezed Yusuke's hand.

Yusuke couldn't help but smile. "Because of you," he declared.

"No," Ren disagreed. "Because of you."

Laughing bitterly, Yusuke shook his head and squeezed Ren's hand in return. "If you think I could have found the courage to stand up to him without your aid, you are sorely mistaken," he insisted. "Without your influence, I would have surrendered myself to a life of servitude. I never would have thought to see the world for what it truly is."

A quick glance at Ren showed him looking distant again, like he was torn between being happy, glad for what Yusuke was saying, and disbelieving it.

Yusuke frowned, but pulled himself together to speak up again. "I'm quite serious, Ren," he insisted. "Without you, I never would have found the courage, or the strength, to break free."

"You're giving me too much credit," Ren persisted with a frown.

Shaking his head adamantly, Yusuke turned to face Ren again. "I most certainly am not," he spoke clearly. If he wanted Ren to see how important he _really_ was, he needed to explain it clearly and concisely. Maybe that meant putting a little more on the table. "You… you are my muse, Ren. Both in my art and in reality. You freed me, and inspired me to find what I truly am, beyond the cage Madarame had placed me in."

Yusuke met Ren's eyes, turning so they were face to face, and watched Ren's face for a moment. Ren's expression changed then, first to astonishment at Yusuke's words, and then to something else entirely. Yusuke wasn't exactly sure what it was, but it was beautiful all the same. Ren regarded him carefully for a few seconds.

Perhaps the look wasn't new, Yusuke realized. Yusuke thought he'd seen the expression before—the slight glint in Ren's eyes, and the slight curve of his lips into a shy smile—but he didn't know what it meant.

As he tried to figure it out, Ren extended his free hand and glided it softly down Yusuke's cheek. His touch was gentle and tender, and Yusuke couldn't help but crane his neck, turn into the touch, and prolong it as long as possible. Those same fingers traced along his jaw... all but the thumb, which brushed along Yusuke's lower lip. Yusuke stared at Ren for a moment, his breath caught in his throat, but before his mind had a chance to catch up, Ren moved that same hand to the back of Yusuke's head, and pulled him in for a deep, slow kiss…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3 I'll just let you guys run amok with speculation here.
> 
> Eternal gratitude goes to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics) for always being an amazing sounding board and beta, and keeping me from going to nuts with my ideas!


	19. My Blue Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _all the cards begin to stack up,_  
>  _twisting heartache into fine_  
>  _little pieces that avoid an awful crime;_  
>  _but, it's you i can't deny..._  
> [my blue heaven](https://open.spotify.com/track/3Alqr5cFeGbiNkXW6JjPxx?si=xllWEzdXTKiohUz54IF2Ug) ;; taking back sunday  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3BFJRHDpk8) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/takingbacksunday/myblueheaven.html) }

Ren wasn't sure what had come over him. He hadn't actually kissed someone in years, at least not since he was sixteen. Back then, some boy whose name Ren couldn't even remember anymore practically shoved his tongue down Ren's throat. Directly after, the same boy swore Ren to silence, threatening to tell the whole town of Okina that Ren was both gay and selling himself. He paid Ren 4000 yen to go down on him, then called him cheap and gross, and after that, Ren swore not to kiss when he tricked anymore. This wasn't a trick, though. This was different. Ren had always felt that kissing was different: reserved for someone special, someone he actually cared for… the way he cared for Yusuke. Ren wasn't so stupid as to deny it. Yusuke was different from anyone Ren had met before. Yusuke was special, important…

Yusuke was the one person, outside of his found family, who made Ren feel worthwhile; like he was more than just a body to pay to fuck when someone got horny and desperate. Yusuke was one of the first people to see beyond that veneer. He was one of _two_ people who knew Ren and knew what Ren did for work, and somehow, just like Chihaya, he still saw fit to defend Ren to people who would talk down to him. No matter how little he deserved it.

Truth be told, Yusuke was the first person to ever make him feel like he wanted to quit being a whore.

There was still a mountain of doubt rolling in from the back of his mind. Doubt telling him that Yusuke deserved so much better than a whore. It reminded him that no matter what Yusuke said, no matter what defense he'd given Madarame and no matter how important or special or wanted Yusuke made him feel… Ren couldn't change what he was.

Still, with his lips on Yusuke's, it was very easy to drown that mountain with an ocean of other feelings. Namely the thumping of his heart and the unfamiliar swell in his chest that he was reasonably sure he'd never felt before. Their angle was awkward, but it didn't seem like either of them cared too much about that at the moment. Ren sat up, craning his neck to meet Yusuke, who was twisted a little awkwardly to reach Ren's lips easier. Their hands were still laced together, and Ren's free hand was still resting in Yusuke's hair.

However, if Ren wanted to deepen the kiss, they'd have to move. Ren's hand moved from Yusuke's hair down to his waist. The touch alone, even over his clothing, made Yusuke gasp. It, of course, only served to solidify to Ren that Yusuke was a virgin; that he was new to touches and sensations like this. With a little grin, Ren slid his other hand from Yusuke's and placed it on his other hip.

From there, it almost seemed like they moved in tandem.

Ren tugged lightly on Yusuke's hips, urging Yusuke to stand for a second, then pulling him over to stand in front of Ren. They'd stopped kissing for the moment, but Ren could hear a subtle, shaking hitch in Yusuke's breath that suggested Yusuke wanted to go back to it. With a wild grin, Ren hooked his index fingers into the belt loops of Yusuke's pants, and tugged him forward. The very second Yusuke climbed into his lap, with one knee on either side of Ren's hips, Ren craned his head upward to give Yusuke exactly what he wanted.

When Yusuke craned his neck to kiss Ren even deeper, Ren brushed his tongue out and along Yusuke's lower lip. Testing the waters, seeing if Yusuke wanted to go any further. Yusuke's response was to part his lips just slightly, which Ren took as an invitation.

Parting his own lips, Ren dashed his tongue out and brushed it against Yusuke's tongue in a brief flick of contact. It almost felt like Yusuke's tongue chased Ren's tongue down, seeking more contact than Ren gave at first, and all Ren could do was hum a soft laugh against Yusuke's lips. He broke the contact briefly, just long enough to ask:

"You enjoyed that, hm?"

Yusuke's response came in a very soft but very sharp, "Yes," before he leaned in and crashed their lips together again.

As much as Ren wanted to tease Yusuke, he really couldn't. He was enjoying it just as much. Maybe more. He kissed Yusuke until he had no air left in his lungs, breaking with a soft but satisfying pop and pulling in an attempt at a steadying breath. Ren didn't feel steady at all. Yusuke leaned his forehead against the top of Ren's head, and Ren smiled up at him, brushing his thumbs along Yusuke's hip bones. Yusuke's eyes fluttered shut, and he draped his arms loosely around Ren's shoulders.

"You okay?" Ren asked.

With a nod, Yusuke opened his eyes again, letting them meet Ren's with an eager glimmer. "Yes," he repeated, his voice a little deeper this time.

Smirking, Ren slowly brushed his thumbs along Yusuke's hip bones again, then stopped and lifted them away. Ren was testing Yusuke's body; teasing him, trying to see what drove him crazy and what made him react. To no surprise, Yusuke definitely reacted to the sudden lack of affection. With a strangled whimpering noise from his throat, Yusuke canted his hips forward slightly, seeking the contact once more. However, that brought forward what was likely yet another new sensation.

Yusuke's length, clearly outlined in his pants, brushed up against Ren's thigh, and the sensation shocked Yusuke as he gasped and pulled in a shuddering breath.

Ren smirked. Maybe it was a little bit cruel, but seeing Yusuke—who to this point had been the portrait of the shy and put together good boy who was forced to obey stupid rules—falling apart at a simple brush to his most sensitive spot with his clothes still on… was one of the hottest things he'd ever seen. Ren slid his hands up Yusuke's hips and to his waist, gripping the bottom hem of his t-shirt on the way, and pulled up, urging Yusuke along.

It didn't seem like Yusuke needed much urging, though. The second Ren started tugging upward on the shirt, Yusuke's arms were over his head, allowing Ren to pull the shirt up and off, casting it to the floor beside them.

The smirk on Ren's face went a little lopsided then. Yusuke was _beautiful_. His skin was smooth and perfect. No marks, no scars, no imperfections whatsoever marred the pale flesh. Before Ren could stop himself, he was leaning in to press a lazy, open-mouthed kiss to Yusuke's collarbone. When Yusuke responded by arching into Ren's lips and urging Ren's hands back down to his hips, all Ren could do was breathe an amused puff of air against his skin. Yusuke was needy, and Ren loved every second of it.

Ren's hands stayed in place on Yusuke's hips, his thumbs brushing against Yusuke's hip bones just once, before he used the grip to urge Yusuke's hips forward again. His hips were pressed flush against Ren's, and this time it was Ren who lifted his hips up into Yusuke's, slowly brushing their bodies together again. It was ridiculous, how amazing it felt. Their clothes were still on, for god's sake. Ren had been fucked so many different ways, in so many different positions, but a simple dry hump against Yusuke's body felt _so fucking good_... it made all that seem like nothing.

The pressure and the friction combined and pulled a sigh from Ren and another shuddering breath from Yusuke.

"I never imagined that this could feel-" Yusuke stopped short when Ren raised his hips again, a little slower this time and with a little more pressure. "-ah!"

Ren nodded, pressing another open-mouthed kiss to Yusuke's collarbone. "I know. Me either," he murmured.

Yusuke paused for a moment, moving Ren's hands from his hips and sliding his own hands beneath the hem of Ren's shirt. Ren sat up just slightly, lifting his arms and allowing Yusuke to tug his shirt off, casting it down to the floor alongside Yusuke's own. The very second Yusuke finished, he explored Ren's skin with his fingers, touching everything within his reach.

It felt… absolutely amazing. Yusuke's fingers were gentle, and it was almost like each inch he touched left a trail of sparks in its wake; sparks which shocked Ren's system, waking parts of him that had never awoken, or at least hadn't been awake for a long time. Ren arched his hips again, brushing their bodies together, and Yusuke shivered, but didn't stop his exploration. His fingers traced Ren's ribs, brushed his pectoral muscles, and his thumb gently grazed Ren's nipple, which made Ren gasp and rock his hips again.

Yusuke shuddered again, and Ren smirked. Whatever he thought tonight was going to be, he never thought it would end with him dry fucking Yusuke on his couch. At the moment, he couldn't find it in him to complain.

When Yusuke's hands roamed downward, Ren realized that he'd soon come to discover Ren's piercings. Ren was definitely interested to see how Yusuke would react. Yusuke liked aesthetically pleasing things, so Ren hoped he liked them. Ren liked how they looked, though clients sometimes seemed to complain and think they made him look cheap or sleazy. Still, Ren never took them out. It was something he kept for him, a little sign of rebellion and a reminder that, at the end of the day, his body belonged to him and not to any client.

As Yusuke's fingertips traced Ren's hip bones, his thumbs glided out and brushed against the four protruding metal balls, and he froze. "Wh-what is…" he asked softly.

"Piercings," Ren answered.

Yusuke leaned back a bit, glancing down between them and examining the piercings closely. "You pierced your hips?" His voice dripped with intrigue as his eyes followed the piercings as Ren rocked his hips forward again.

Ren nodded. "I like it," he admitted, his tone a little sheepish.

"So do I," Yusuke confessed, his thumb extending to brush against the right bottom ball. "They're… they definitely catch the eye."

The tender touch to the piercing felt a lot better than Ren would've expected. Usually, the only attention his piercings got were either from clients who tugged a bit too hard or when he changed them to slightly more decorative pieces. This kind of attention, the way Yusuke's fingers felt when he touched the sensitive skin between each tiny silver ball, felt really nice. He clamped down on his lower lip and watched as that same thumb moved to trace around the upper left stud.

Ren urged Yusuke's hips forward again, rocking his own hips upward. Yusuke gasped sharply again. It seemed like he'd been entranced enough by the piercings to have lost track of what they were doing. When he gasped, Ren smirked a little bit and brushed their hips together again. This time, Yusuke rewarded him with a stuttered breath.

"You are beautiful," Yusuke whispered as soon as he gathered himself. "You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen."

The declaration took Ren off-guard, and he stopped suddenly, meeting Yusuke's eyes in shock. It wasn't like people didn't compliment his looks. He'd heard a lot of things. That he was 'pretty for a whore,' or that he had a 'great body,' or even how 'nice his skin felt,' but beautiful? Beautiful was a new one. Yet another way Yusuke wasn't like everyone else. At first, he struggled to find a way to respond with words, but eventually, he decided words weren't quite enough.

Ren removed one hand from Yusuke's hip, bringing it back up to rest on the back of Yusuke's neck instead. "You too," he murmured dumbly, before pulling Yusuke in for another kiss. 

The same hand glided down Yusuke's body, while they kissed and their hips rocked together, but it didn't stop on his hip this time. Now, he placed his fingers on the front of Yusuke's pants, unfastening the button and tugging it open. The second hand joined the first, and he gently tugged Yusuke's zipper down. When they broke the kiss for air, Ren met Yusuke's eyes, smiled nervously—which was surprising; sex was his _thing_ , the one thing he knew he was really good at, so why in the _hell_ was he nervous?—and asked:

"Is this okay?"

All Yusuke managed in reply was a nod, and he followed Ren's lead to stand up, allowing Ren to tug his jeans down. Yusuke's boxer-briefs were blue, and they hung low on his hips. A tiny smile formed on Ren's lips at the slight moisture of precome he saw on the fabric, just at the tip of the outline of Yusuke's interest. Ren couldn't help a brief flash of pride at the fact that he'd managed to get Yusuke _this hard_ just from a little bit of dry humping, but at the same time, Ren supposed it came along with being a virgin.

After taking a second to appreciate the sight, he took another solid chunk of time to admire exactly how gorgeous Yusuke was. His cheeks were bright red, but the rest of his body was pale as could be; more unmarred, untouched flesh.

Fuck. He was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Ren opened his own jeans, pushing them down his hips to reveal his own black boxer-briefs, with their own slight slick of precome. Before Ren could strip them any further, Yusuke climbed back on top of him without even being directed and started exploring Ren's body all over again. It took Ren by surprise, because he was _planning_ on the situation ending with them completely naked. It didn't matter, though. Yusuke was touching him again, kissing him again, and the feeling of those smooth-but-callused hands against his skin completely drowned out any other needs Ren might have had.

Their hips brushed again, and Yusuke leaned a little closer to Ren, touching any available bit of skin he could find. Ren kissed Yusuke's jaw, and when Yusuke lifted his head, Ren couldn't help but smirk at the expanse of skin displayed in front of him. He kissed Yusuke's neck, nipped a trail down his collarbone, pressed slow, open-mouthed kisses to Yusuke's chest… anywhere he could reach. Yusuke seemed to approve more and more each time, sighing, moaning, and gasping as they rocked their hips together.

When Ren got a little adventurous and gently scraped his teeth along Yusuke's pectoral muscle, Yusuke responded with a sharp, "Oh!" and arched his back a little further, putting his chest closer to Ren's face.

If that wasn't a pleased reaction, Ren didn't know what was. He nipped in a few more places, then pulled Yusuke in for another kiss. As they kissed this time, Ren slid his hands up Yusuke's thighs and smoothed the tips of his thumbs along the outline of Yusuke's dick. It seemed to take Yusuke by surprise, and he broke for air again, leaning his forehead against Ren's to glance down between them and watch his hands.

"That feels…" Yusuke finished his declaration with a sharp inhale, and Ren could tell he was getting close.

Ren smirked. "Good?" he asked as he continued to trace Yusuke's length through his boxer-briefs.

With a rapid nod, Yusuke tried to laugh, but it only came out as a shaky breath. "Y-yes. Though good doesn't seem… it's not quite… ah… I…"

"It's okay, Yusuke, you can—"

Before Ren could even finish, Yusuke pulled in a sharp gasp. He cried out, his hips rocking forward against their volition and his back arching to put his chest in Ren's face again. Ren couldn't help but place a tender kiss to the skin in front of him, then turn his head up to watch as Yusuke rode the waves. The front of his boxer-briefs was sticky, but that didn't matter. He could change in a second, and he could clean up when he was finished. For now, Ren just wanted to admire him, how gorgeous he really was.

As Yusuke let his head come to rest against Ren's again, Ren stole another kiss and then leaned over to whisper, "You're so sexy, Yusuke."

Yusuke panted for air, and Ren couldn't help but grin as he kissed his neck and eased him down from the high. It was Yusuke's first sexual experience, and Ren really wanted to make sure it was perfect for him; that he had everything Ren hadn't had for his first time. Affection, reassurance, the knowledge that he was the most beautiful creature in the world… because he really, really was. Before he had a chance to say any of that, though, Yusuke rolled his hips forward again, brushing them gently into Ren's. Ren startled at first, but he turned to look at Yusuke, who was breathing a little steadier now. Yusuke lifted his head finally, placing his hands on Ren's hips again.

"Why—" Ren started to say, but before he could finish the question, Yusuke rocked his hips forward again.

This was new. This was… really new, and it was just another way Yusuke was different from anyone Ren had been with before. Most of the time, when people fucked Ren, they didn't care if he got off. They usually manhandled him, got theirs, paid him, then left and went about the rest of their night. Truth be told, Ren couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten off with someone else. In fact, he wondered if he ever had. Usually, when he got off, it was by himself at home, and most of the time it was on nights when he decided not to work in Shinjuku.

It seemed like Yusuke wasn't done, either. He leaned in, just like Ren had, and kissed Ren softly and sweetly. It made Ren's chest flutter, and brought him even closer to the edge. Before Ren even realized what he was doing, he was rocking his hips in time with Yusuke's.

The kiss broke, and Ren felt his climax building. His breathing was shorter, his heart was beating faster, and his hips were moving a little bit more erratically. He was really close. His fingers gripped Yusuke's hips a little tighter, taking care not to grip too tightly and bruise him. He buried his head in Yusuke's neck, trying to keep some semblance of composure but ultimately failing. He'd never been driven this crazy before by anyone, or anything.

"You know," Yusuke whispered, the warmth of his breath kissing Ren's ear and inching him a little closer to the edge. "I truly meant what I said earlier. You are, far and away, the most beautiful person I have ever seen, Ren."

Of all the things Ren expected to make him come, being told he was beautiful was not one of them. Even so, that was exactly what happened. Yusuke's gently whispered words, the way he spoke Ren's name like it was something to be treasured, the way his hands felt as they teased Ren's hip piercings… it was too much to handle. Ren went toppling over the edge, coming with a shuddering cry as he pulled Yusuke to him and silenced any more noises with a kiss.

The kiss broke, and Ren was still riding the waves of his climax. While he came down, Yusuke whispered affirmations in Ren ear, about how brilliant he was, and how he was Yusuke's muse, and how lucky Yusuke was to have Ren in his life.

Slowly, steadily, Ren's heartbeat leveled out and everything shifted back into focus. The first thing he saw was Yusuke, with a warm, gentle look in his eye as he brushed Ren's hair from his face. Somehow, Yusuke seemed convinced that Ren was the most beautiful person in the world, but he was wrong. That title went completely to Yusuke, and Ren was astounded at his luck, at how he'd somehow managed to convince Yusuke he was worthy of all that kindness and praise.

Whatever it took, no matter how long it took, Ren swore to himself that he'd work to prove himself worthy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE PROGRESS! To me, it just made more sense for Ren to open up physically before emotionally. With his background and history, he's more drawn to the physical. As for really opening up and _saying_ how he feels, well... you'll have to wait and see!
> 
> Thanks, as always, to my wonderful friend and incomparable beta [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics) for being my sounding board and keeping me in line!


	20. My Life With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _when i was a kid i'd travel_  
>  _to all the different places inside my head,_  
>  _but nothing compares to my life with you..._  
> [my life with you](https://open.spotify.com/track/0iFiiSaGEzDJL6vJjzGUOF?si=U2VG3l7tRDiJ2UZsPUlcBA) ;; ryan star  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwnpR9vMbmM) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ryanstar/mylifewithyou.html) }

Over the past two weeks, Yusuke went from feeling like he was completely dependent on a man who treated him more like a belonging than a person, to _finally_ feeling like his own person and living his own life. It was still new, still completely and totally baffling to him, but he was more independent now than he'd ever been before.

It made him feel like he was sitting on top of the world.

With Ren's aid, he'd managed to find employment at the local grocery store in Yongen-Jaya. At the moment, he stood in the dry goods aisle, rearranging a terribly bland display of cereal boxes into a much more pleasing gradient pattern. While he idly arranged the shelves, his mind wandered to Ren and how patient and amazing he'd been. Not only had he helped Yusuke get this job, but he'd also had Futaba remove any means of tracking from Yusuke's phone and helped Yusuke onto his own cell phone plan.

For the first time in his life, he was completely free of Madarame's influence. Of course, there were still doubts and concerns. Namely, he wrestled with the acute awareness that Madarame was almost definitely looking for him. Someone like Madarame wouldn't let Yusuke—who had earned him endless amounts of money over the years—escape without some kind of search. Yusuke didn't care. There was absolutely no chance he would ever go back, no matter what Madarame tried. He was finally happy, and even if he had less time for art with his new job, the job provided him with the funds to buy his own paints. Better paints. The kinds of paints he actually wanted to use.

Plus, he had Ren. Every day he was with Ren made up for the days he spent serving Madarame. Ren was beautiful, kind, passionate, and he had gone to such great lengths to ensure Yusuke was safe. Yusuke had no more ties to Madarame. Unless Madarame ran into Yusuke in town, there was very little chance Yusuke ever had to see him again. Just the thought made him breathe a little easier as he gathered a medium-blue cereal box and slid it onto the shelf.

It was funny. When he was younger, Yusuke used to look at work like this as a miserable way to spend one's life. Maybe his misguided opinion was Madarame's influence as well, though, because now that he was working here, he couldn't help but see it as a font of inspiration. Living life, being happy. So far that day, he'd gotten inspiration from several different customers, a perfectly angled display of apples, the wording on a magazine cover…

Making a point to thank Ren when he got back to Leblanc that evening, Yusuke gathered another trio of cereal boxes to slide them into place on the shelf.

As glad as he was to have a normal job and a normal life, he was just as excited to get home, just to be in Ren's presence again. Comfort and normalcy; the kind of life he never dreamed of having, and it all happened because of Ren. It should probably have been a little bit concerning, exactly how important Ren had become to Yusuke's happiness. Their friendship-with-benefits, as Futaba had described it, provided Yusuke with the chance to fall asleep next to Ren every night and wake up beside him every morning… and Yusuke wasn't sure how he could ask for more.

Yusuke was so lost in his own head and trying to perfectly align the colors in a rainbow gradient, that he didn't hear the footsteps approaching him from behind. In fact, he still didn't notice the presence of a second person until he felt the warmth of a pair of hands over his eyes. He stiffened for a second, but it truly only lasted for a second, before he recognized the touch and allowed himself to relax.

"Ren," he spoke in an exhale.

With a familiar chuckle, Yusuke felt Ren lean a little bit closer, then whisper, "Hey. I couldn't wait fifteen more minutes."

Yusuke grinned as Ren slid his hands down Yusuke's arms and placed them in Yusuke's front pockets under his apron. He relaxed completely, leaning his back against Ren's chest and turning his head just slightly when he felt Ren's chin against his shoulder. "Fifteen minutes, you say?"

"Yeah. You get out at six, right?"

With a nod, Yusuke placed the final cereal box onto the shelf. "Or when I finish with this. I wasn't aware how much time had passed," he admitted.

Ren hummed to himself, smirking as he glanced at Yusuke's display. While most of his coworkers and some customers had looked at it as strange, Ren didn't even bat an eyelash, almost like he understood the aesthetic. To be honest, Yusuke wouldn't be surprised if he did. This was a man who had helped him find inspiration on several occasions and who _didn't_ immediately decry his work, who always seemed to understand the themes and aesthetic.

An amazing man, and one who Yusuke couldn't look at without smiling. Each day Yusuke spent with Ren, he became more and more aware of how he'd made the right decision.

Ren chuckled. "Too busy making a gradient with the cereal boxes?" he asked, grinning softly as he pointed at Yusuke's handiwork.

At first, all Yusuke could do was chuckle softly. He turned to look at Ren and nod. "Leave it to you to understand exactly what I'm trying to do, even when no one else has," he murmured, before leaning his head sideways to gently nudge Ren's.

They stayed exactly like that for a few seconds, in the quiet grocery store, before Ren smiled softly and spoke up again. "So, I was thinking we could go out tonight."

Admittedly, nothing else in the whole world was registering on Yusuke's radar. The most important thing in his universe right then was Ren. "Oh?" he asked, turning around in Ren's arms and forcing Ren's hands from his front pockets.

Unfazed by Yusuke's turn, Ren instead slid his hands into Yusuke's back pockets. "Yeah. They're having a Jurassic Park double feature at the theater down the street, and I thought we could go see that. I made us some dinner and put it in the fridge back at Leblanc, too, so we can head back to pick it up and go to Seaside Park to have a picnic. If you want?"

"That sounds wonderful," Yusuke admitted with a grin.

Ren moved one hand from Yusuke's pocket and brushed his bangs from his face. It looked like he was about to lean in for a kiss, but a set of footsteps turning into the aisle sent them each stepping away from one another but sharing smiles indicating that neither of them wanted any space between them. They shared a soft laugh, and Ren slid his hands into his own pockets, before nudging Yusuke with his shoulder.

"Probably for the best, yeah? We'd never have gotten out of here if I was just allowed to just… hold you like that," Ren whispered to Yusuke.

With a chuckle and a nod, Yusuke mused, "Though I don't think I would complain."

The woman walking down the aisle passed by them without incident, allowing Ren to lace their fingers together. "So, you said you just had to finish this before we could leave?"

"Yes. I need to clock out, and then we can go home."

Ren had a strange expression on his face. It didn't seem displeased, but he seemed uncertain for a beat. Had Yusuke said something strange? The silence quickly became a little more comfortable as Yusuke led Ren toward the locker room, where he shed his apron and clocked out at the machine. Yusuke didn't even realize that he hadn't let go of Ren's hand the whole time. After a brief goodbye to his boss, the pair slipped out the front door and headed back to Leblanc so Yusuke could change from his work clothes.

Futaba greeted them cheerily from behind the counter, grinning like a madwoman as Ren tried to wave her smug grin off. Yusuke didn't quite understand the smugness, but he didn't get a chance to ask. Instead, Ren tugged him up the stairs, before finally releasing his hand and taking a seat on the couch.

"While you change, I'll order the tickets, and then we can head down the street to the theater. I think it starts at seven."

Yusuke nodded as he unfastened the buttons on his unfortunate puce-green work-shirt. He looked around Ren's room and smiled a little bit. The room had turned into something of a combination of their two aesthetics. Yusuke had art supplies strewn all over the place, between Ren's cookbooks and sheet music and concert posters and assorted decorations. Colored pencils covered Ren's desk and there was an easel in the corner of the room with a half-finished painting he'd started, of an abstract sunset over a massive city. With his shirt hanging from his shoulders, Yusuke regarded the painting with a little smile.

It was another accidental collaborative effort between Yusuke and Ren. Initially, he'd been planning on making it a realistic image, but Ren reminded him that he wasn't locked in by Madarame's borders anymore, and he could paint whatever he wanted to. Now the sky was bright purple with dark purple clouds, and the cityscape itself was bathed in shimmering silver.

Again, all Yusuke could manage was to smile quietly to himself. Ren truly brought the best out of him.

Before any further thought could form in Yusuke's mind, he felt those same familiar and warm arms wrapping around him, coming together against his stomach. Ren's lips pressed against Yusuke's shoulder, and against his volition, Yusuke couldn't help but lean back against Ren's chest again. Something about that presence was so warm, so inviting, and Yusuke couldn't help but find himself drowning in the pleasant sensation Ren's touch brought to him… especially against his bare skin.

Yusuke laughed lightly. "You seem to enjoy having your arms around me today,"

"Listen," Ren responded in a gentle hum against Yusuke's shoulder. "When you expose skin to me, it's like… an instinct or something. I can't help but want to touch it." As soon as he finished speaking, he pressed another kiss to Yusuke's shoulder, then turned toward his neck to kiss there as well.

With another laugh, Yusuke angled his head to the side to allow Ren to kiss him again. "I'll remind you that I wasn't showing any skin at the store, Ren," he answered, trying desperately to sound indignant.

Ren paused for a beat, chuckled against Yusuke's pulse point, and then lifted a shoulder in a shrug. "You got me there," he answered. "Guess it's just you. Hope you're okay with that."

Humming his approval, Yusuke placed his hands on top of Ren's where they rested on Yusuke's bare stomach. "More than okay," he replied. "Though, admittedly, this attention makes it rather difficult for me to focus on changing so we don't miss half of the film."

Initially, Ren didn't relinquish his hold. His lips didn't move from Yusuke's neck, until his affections turned back down to Yusuke's shoulder. Truth be told, Yusuke genuinely didn't care where they were as long as they were together. Ren could kiss him all night. Yusuke certainly would not have complained if their night turned that direction. Eventually, Ren did pull back, slowly detaching his arms from around Yusuke's middle, with a gliding and lingering touch, which tingled against Yusuke's ribs.

Slowly, Yusuke's focus returned, and the pleasant haze Ren's touch always drowned him in dissipated bit by bit.

"Consider that a preview of coming attractions," Ren offered in a last whisper against Yusuke's ear, before he backed across the room and sat on the couch with a devilish grin on his face.

The look on Ren's face made Yusuke's cheeks flush, but he didn't say anything, mostly because he worried words would betray him. He discarded his work shirt, folding it and setting it aside. "Such cruelty, teasing me with such a pleasant display, and then making me wait the rest of the night for the show."

Ren's grin only grew. "What can I say? I like to build the anticipation."

Anticipation was definitely built up. Yusuke glanced over at his duffel bag of clothing, then hummed to himself before turning his eyes toward Ren's laundry where it sat on a shelf. Maybe it was Ren's grin that emboldened him, or maybe it was just the pleasant mood he was in. Whichever it was, it resulted in him walking over to Ren's laundry pile and nonchalantly gathering one of his friend's shirts to wear. It was a black t-shirt with the logo of some band Yusuke had never heard of before, but that wasn't why he'd selected it.

No, the reason he'd chosen it was the pleasant cinnamon scent overcoming him as the fabric brushed his nose. That and the aura of comfort involved with wearing something belonging to Ren. The shirt was just a little bit shorter than his usual, revealing just a slight peek of his skin when he lifted his arms. It was also a little bit baggier—Ren's frame was a little more filled out than Yusuke's own—but oddly enough, Yusuke had never been more comfortable.

Turning around, Yusuke glanced at Ren nervously, silently asking if it was okay. When Ren met his eyes with a smile, it was enough confirmation at first. Shortly thereafter, he stepped closer and rested a hand on Yusuke's hip. "Looks good on you," he murmured.

"It's quite comfortable. I hope you don't mind."

Ren shook his head. "I don't," he answered, before pressing his lips to Yusuke's.

After the kiss broke—too short, always too short—the pair of them departed Ren's apartment and passed Futaba again, who was surfing the internet on her laptop behind the counter. Her grin turned smug once more as she waved animatedly at them, which only caused Ren to move faster as he tugged them toward the door.

"She seems pleased about something," Yusuke mused.

With a derisive snort, Ren glanced back over his shoulder and into Leblanc. "She's been on my case all day," he explained. "While we were working together earlier, I was trying to figure out where we should go tonight, and she kept teasing me about… you know. Stuff. Making it into a way bigger deal than it is."

Unfortunately, Yusuke didn't understand much about the whole situation. Truth be told, his own experience in the realms of romance was quite nonexistent before Ren, so he didn't really know what was or wasn't a big deal. All he knew was that he was going to a movie with Ren, and that he would enjoy wherever Ren saw fit to take him. Still, Futaba's insistence seemed to be bothering Ren a little bit. Or maybe it wasn't. Behind his protest was a little bit of a smile, as he denied whatever claims Futaba made with his words.

Yusuke was a little perplexed. "Making what a bigger deal than it is?" he asked.

Sighing heavily, Ren raked his teeth over his lower lip. "I don't… it's… it's nothing. Don't worry about it." He slid his phone back into his pocket as they started down the street to the movie theater.

There was an odd hitch in Ren's voice, a nervousness telling Yusuke that perhaps he should worry, but he didn't want to push the issue. If Ren didn't want to say anything, Yusuke didn't want to force him. Instead, he allowed himself to marvel at Yongen-Jaya again as they passed through it.

It was amusing, how even though everyone in the neighborhood saw them walking down the street holding hands, no one said a word. A few people greeted Ren, and much to Yusuke's surprise, a couple of the same people greeted _him_. It really was like he'd finally found a place where he belonged. A true home. Yusuke nodded a greeting to the second-hand shop owner, who had smiled and greeted the pair of them eagerly.

"I don't recall the last time I was this happy," Yusuke intimated to Ren. "I don't believe I ever have been."

Ren smiled warmly. "Good." He paused, and frowned. "I mean… not good that you've never been happy like this, but good that you are happy. You should always be. Happy, I mean."

There was that nervousness again. Yusuke squeezed his hand gently and continued. "It's all because of you, you know?"

Again, Ren laughed nervously. "Nah. You were the one who was brave enough to leave. I didn't—"

"Yes, you did." Yusuke insisted. It was the one thing they could never agree on.

The pair of them stepped into the theater, and Ren guided them to the counter, to the snack stand—they split a large popcorn and each got a medium drink, and Yusuke insisted on paying for that part—and then into the small viewing room. The theater was mostly empty, save for a few people sitting near the front and a few more in the middle. The movie theater in and of itself was small, with only the one viewing room, and Yusuke found himself wondering how it stayed in business. A lot of places in Yongen-Jaya were like that, he realized. Leblanc was small, even the grocery store he worked at didn't have a particularly large number of customers. Still, they must have broken even to stay afloat. Maybe, Yusuke reasoned, on weekends things were busier in here.

Ren cast his eyes around the theater, then leaned over close to Yusuke's ear. "View is better from the back," he told Yusuke confidently, pointing to the back right corner of the theater.

With an eager nod, Yusuke followed Ren's urging to walk into the row first. They continued all the way to the corner, Yusuke pleasantly caught between Ren and the wall. Something about the feeling, about feeling so protected, made Yusuke's heart want to burst out of his chest. It was more of the happiness he'd grown to expect from being around Ren. With the popcorn sitting between them, Yusuke sought Ren's hand and smiled when Ren laced their fingers together.

"So, this film is titled Jurassic Park, correct? I'm going to assume it's about dinosaurs?" Yusuke asked Ren. At the sound of his voice, one of the people in the group at the center of the theater gave him a strange look, like he'd said something peculiar.

With a nod and a grin, Ren turned to look at Yusuke. "I can't wait to see what you think," he admitted. "There's a lot of really stunning shots, and I have a hunch it'll give you a hundred different art ideas."

Yusuke laughed fondly. "Ah, you know exactly what I appreciate in a movie," he mused.

The grin on Ren's face softened into a smile. "It's one of those things every kid saw at least once. It came out before I was born, but I saw it at a friends house when I was young, and I ended up wanting a pet Tyrannosaurus Rex when we finished," he admitted with a bashful chuckle.

"Perhaps not the most cuddly of pets," Yusuke smiled fondly at Ren, and he couldn't help but be endlessly curious about what Ren was like as a child.

Ren shrugged. "Kid me didn't care," he answered, reaching into the popcorn tub with his free hand. "Kid me really wanted his t-Rex, but had to settle for a stuffed one that he slept with every night, claiming he 'set it as a bedroom guard.'" There was a bashful flush on Ren's cheeks, and Yusuke couldn't help but think it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

Smiling, Yusuke mused, "of all the bedroom guards, I feel a tyrannosaurus rex would be among the most efficient."

"Worked for me," Ren agreed, before tossing a piece of popcorn into his mouth. "Never had a single boogeyman in my room."

They shared a laugh, and Yusuke smiled. It was the most information about himself Ren had ever actually shared. Yusuke couldn't help but feel like maybe he was breaking walls, slowly but surely. Of course, he fully understood why Ren was such a guarded individual, but to be seen as worthy of piercing through that guard, even just a little, made Yusuke feel incredible. No matter how long it took him to fully make it through, he could wait. Ren was worth the wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For now, we have some peace! I think they've earned a _few_ happy chapters before I wreck their lives again! XD
> 
> Note: I wrote this back in _February_ , so I had absolutely no idea about Junessic Park in PQ2. Imagine my surprise when I saw it. I was _so amused_! XD
> 
> Thanks, as always, to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics) for being my rock through all of this, in _addition_ to being the best beta ever. She's the best, guys!


	21. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _when you're too tired to stand,_  
>  _you can take my hand._  
>  _i want to be the place that you land._  
> [stay](https://open.spotify.com/track/3eWmjDsDUNSOoEj3vOo900?si=lQi9LwqmSmmbOfEG5Osw4w) ;; joshua radin  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL3AxZx22Bk) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/joshuaradin/stay.html) }

Initially, Ren's plan had been to see exactly how crazy he could drive Yusuke while they watched their double feature. That was why he'd guided Yusuke to the back corner of the theater, after all. However, as soon as the lights dimmed and the movie started, his plans changed far quicker than he ever would have expected. From the very first sweeping shot of Isla Nublar, it seemed like Yusuke was completely taken by every single thing he saw. His eyes were wide and bright as diamonds, and every now and then, he seemed singularly focused on the screen, as if he was trying to etch each of the images into his brain. Ren could only imagine exactly what he was planning. Drawings. Paintings. Things they could work on together back at Ren's place.

 _"All that food going to waste!"_ Yusuke had said when the raptors chased the children around the dining room and the kitchen.

Ren responded with a soft laugh, and only then did he realize that he'd spent the whole movie so far watching Yusuke instead of the screen. Ultimately, it didn't matter. He'd seen Jurassic Park enough times to quote the whole movie from front to back without even trying. Yusuke was far more interesting than anything happening on the screen. So, while Yusuke watched the screen, Ren watched him.

Everything about him was beautiful, from the way his hair partially obscured one of his eyes, to the curve of his lips as he parted them to gasp. Every now and then, when he had a more animated reaction and the other moviegoers looked at him in irritation, Ren would shoot an angry glare back, and they would turn away before Yusuke had a chance to notice. Of course, it was unusual for him not to have seen Jurassic Park, but Ren knew about his circumstance, and how _it_ was unusual, too. Ren wasn't going to let Yusuke's time be ruined by people who didn't know or understand that. Maybe it was rude, but Ren couldn't have cared less.

All through both movies, Ren watched Yusuke.

By the time the credits started to roll on the second movie, Yusuke's face broke into an eager and excited smile. Ren chuckled softly as their eyes met, and he reached up to brush Yusuke's bangs from his face. "Enjoyed it, huh?"

"Yes!" Yusuke answered emphatically, following Ren's lead from the viewing room and out the front door of the theater. "That was brilliant! It was exciting, certainly, but there were so many moments I want to try and paint. The shot of the island from the helicopter in the first movie and..."

Ren listened as Yusuke eagerly described each and every scene he wanted to paint. He closed his eyes like he was trying to envision each moment, blindly allowing Ren to lead him into the Yongen-Jaya streets and back to the apartment for their food. The train ride to Seaside Park was somewhat long, but Ren didn't mind, especially if Yusuke was going to spend the whole time emphatically talking about every single thing he loved about Jurassic Park.

The entire walk to Leblanc, and then to the train station, Yusuke chattered excitedly about every single moment he'd enjoyed. "I have so many ideas, Ren. I'm endlessly glad I have tomorrow off so I can paint them while they're all fresh!"

"Don't worry about that," Ren offered with a little chuckle. "I'm gonna buy you the box set when we get back tonight. That way, you can rewatch them as many times as you want, and you can pause them so you can get all the finite details."

Yusuke blinked. "You don't have to do that," he told Ren bashfully.

Shrugging, Ren smirked. "Can't stop me," he pointed out. "Lemme spoil you a little, okay? You deserve it."

With a soft smile on his face, Yusuke lifted Ren's hand to his lips and brushed a gentle kiss across Ren's knuckles. "You're… I have no idea what I ever did to deserve to have you in my life, but I wish I knew what it was," he admitted, "so I could do it again. To ensure I never lose you."

"You're not gonna lose me," Ren reassured Yusuke, smoothing his fingers gently along Yusuke's hand.

Silence blanketed them for a second, as they locked eyes in a mutual but quiet appreciation of one another. Neither of them felt the need to say anything, because the silence and their exchanged looks said more than enough. Yusuke was grateful for Ren, but Ren was also endlessly grateful for Yusuke. The point was driven home all the more when he thought of the text conversation he'd had with Chihaya earlier, while Yusuke was getting changed. His friend was curious as to why he hadn't been to Shinjuku lately, but the truth was, he didn't feel like he _needed_ to sell himself to feel like he was worth something.

For the first time in his life, he felt like he was worth more than just a quick fuck, and it was all thanks to Yusuke Kitagawa.

Yusuke turned his eyes toward the backpack Ren held over his shoulder. "Did you make curry tonight?" he asked eagerly, a little glint of excitement twinkling in his eyes.

Laughing, Ren shook his head. "Believe it or not, I actually cook more than just curry," he joked, adjusting the bag on his shoulder. "No, I actually got a little adventurous tonight. I made proper bento boxes. I had Sojiro sneak over to the store for me and get what I needed so I could surprise you."

In his bag, he had all the makings of a nice picnic. A blanket, a bottle of wine, and two boxes with dinners he _hoped_ had come out halfway decent. Ren's own was a chicken and broccoli stir fry, with chopped almonds, and a small orange tart he'd baked. Yusuke's was an omelet with fried rice, with a packet of his favorite pretzels, and a baked matcha cake he knew Yusuke loved. They had both taken him a majority of his shift to prepare, so he genuinely hoped his friend was satisfied with the result.

"A surprise," Yusuke declared as he squeezed Ren's hand a little tighter. "You say you're spoiling me a little, but—"

Ren shrugged. "It's fine. You deserve it," he insisted.

After a shared bashful look, they devolved back into their conversation about Jurassic Park, and Yusuke spoke of how much he wished there was a real park like that, "minus all the maulings and deaths." The conversation lasted for the whole rest of the trip to Seaside Park, including the entirety of the wait between trains. To say Ren was happy was an understatement. So far, everything was going perfectly, and he couldn't believe he'd concocted such a nice evening out on his own.

It took them a little time to find a secluded place to eat. For a few seconds, they'd almost settled on eating at one of the benches and forgoing the plan to sit on the blanket Ren had brought, but Yusuke refused to settle for anything less than what Ren wanted, so he searched as long as he could until he found the perfect spot on the top of a small knoll, somehow completely separate from all the other groups in the area. Ren couldn't help but smile. From here, they could watch Tokyo from the other side of the river if they wanted, or they could just relax and talk more. Yusuke seemed to prefer the latter, still eagerly talking about the artistic views of Isla Nublar, and how he really couldn't wait to paint it.

Ren listened happily as he set the blanket out, but he momentarily cast a sidelong glance at Yusuke. Ren watched in amusement as he closed his eyes but held his hands up in a makeshift frame, like he was trying to frame the image in his mind. It made the fond smile grow even wider as Ren got into his pack and started to set their meal out. As long as Yusuke kept his eyes closed like that, Ren could completely surprise him by having the whole thing set up when he opened them again.

Sure enough, that ended up being exactly the case. Ren set out the small bottle of wine Haru had given him several years ago, put each bento box on the blanket, and gathered his small Bluetooth speaker, connecting it to his phone and playing some soft music in the background.

It ended up being the sound of the soft music which brought Yusuke's attention back to reality.

"What is…" Yusuke trailed off, glancing at the setup and then turning to look at Ren again. "All of this?"

Ren shrugged. "Thought you deserved a nice dinner, that's all," he said nonchalantly, before taking a seat on the blanket and waiting for Yusuke to follow suit.

For a few moments, Yusuke simply watched him and cast his eyes out across the spread on the blanket. "A nice dinner," he spoke softly, raking his teeth along his lower lip as he made his way down to the blanket. "This is certainly a very nice dinner. You made all of this?"

"Yeah," Ren answered as he took the cover from his bento box. "Told you I could make more than curry."

Yusuke laughed quietly, though it was more surprised laughter than amused. "I suppose you did. I don't think I thought you were limited to just curry, or perhaps I did, but… I never would have expected this. You enjoy cooking, then?"

Ren shrugged and nodded. "Yeah. Back when I was in my teens I wanted to do the whole cooking school thing for a little while. For a while, I thought maybe I could work in a restaurant or run my own someday. I guess I kinda partially run my own, since I help Sojiro with a lot of the managerial stuff…" He gathered the wine bottle and the corkscrew from his bag.

Cooking and restauranting had been a dream for _awhile_ , and was the most attainable dream he'd ever had for someone like him. It was something he could settle on. Something to pay the bills, now that he wasn't selling himself anymore.

Around a mouthful of omelet, Yusuke mused, "Perhaps giving you that level of responsibility at Leblanc was Sojiro's way of trying to get you experience? He's seen your cooking skills, I assume."

"I mean, yeah. I cook curry all the time," Ren pointed out as he twisted the corkscrew into the wine.

Yusuke shook his head. "Not exactly what I meant," he chuckled softly.

Of course, Ren knew that. Still, it was much easier talking about working at Leblanc than actually explaining the reason he'd never gone to culinary school. It wasn't because he couldn't have made it. Sojiro had always encouraged Ren, citing some connections he had and insisting he'd do whatever he could to ensure Ren got into whatever culinary school he wanted. That was the problem, though. Ultimately, Ren worried he'd fail, just like he'd failed in college, just like he'd failed at his music, just like he'd failed at everything else in his life. If he failed this time, then Sojiro's faith in him would be wasted. Ren knew he wasn't worth the risk.

"I… I know. He has, though… and he knows about how I wanted to go to culinary school, too. But I—" Ren hesitated. The story was messy and complicated. "Listen, it's not like I wouldn't if I could," he admitted with a bitter half-smile as he filled their glasses with wine.

Quirking his head to the side, Yusuke took a small sip from his wine glass and then looked down into it. The expression on Yusuke's face suggested it was his first sip of anything alcoholic, and Ren worried for a second that maybe he should've cleared it with Yusuke first. When Yusuke dashed his tongue out to clean a bit of wine from his lips, then took another sip from his glass, Ren relaxed a little. Good. He liked it. This particular wine was mild and sweet, one of Haru's favorite blends, and he'd been holding onto it for way too long.

After another few seconds worth of silence, Yusuke raised his head again. "Why don't you, then?" he asked.

Ren quickly filled his mouth with stir-fry to buy himself some time. It was a little weird, to be talking about stuff like this. Yusuke knew a lot about him already, and Ren didn't think for a second that Yusuke would judge him for anything he said, but it was still a little embarrassing to answer.

"It's sort of—how do I explain it?—I don't want him to waste his time or his money, Yusuke." It wasn't the whole truth. Not even a fraction.

Rather than meet Yusuke's eye, Ren looked down into his wine glass. Even so, Yusuke's eyes were on him. He could tell.

Yusuke's voice was soft and gentle when he answered. "I don't think it would be a waste. I don’t think Sojiro would see it that way, either."

Huffing a bitter laugh, Ren shrugged. Part of him wanted to tell Yusuke everything. He wanted to, and he knew he needed to… but he was afraid. Still, Yusuke deserved to know, so he could base his opinion of Ren on _all_ the facts, instead of some twisted opinion that Ren was something worthy of affection and respect.

With that in mind, Ren looked back up from his wine glass and into Yusuke's eyes. “Probably not. But it would be,” he reiterated.

Yusuke shook his head again. “How could you possibly think that, Ren?”

"Remember that chain of bad luck I told you about?" Ren asked, in a voice so quiet only Yusuke could hear him.

The words seemed to take Yusuke by surprise. "I remember," he answered, equally as quietly.

Ren couldn't help but chuckle at the tiny bit of soy sauce dripping just below Yusuke's lip. Ren leaned across, taking what could be his last chance to touch Yusuke and gliding his thumb along the spot, before wiping it on a napkin. "It was… my own fault, Yusuke. All of it."

Again, Yusuke quirked his head to the side in a silent question.

Sighing, Ren swallowed thickly and looked down at the picnic blanket. "I made some dumb mistakes in high school. That's… y'know, when I got started hooking. I was fifteen the first time I did it," he admitted.

Yusuke's eyes shot open. "So young?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Ren chuckled bitterly. That was the reaction he usually got. "Some boy in my class offered me 2000 yen to go down on him. Actually, I think it was a bet. He heard a rumor around school that I was gay, and when I didn't lie about it, he was like 'I bet you suck dick better than a girl, then.' He dared me, and then offered to pay me. I was broke, and I was a dumb fifteen-year-old boy, so I did it." He frowned. He wasn't a dumb fifteen-year-old boy anymore, but that was neither here nor there.

Sighing, Ren took a large drink from his wine glass, finishing it off and refilling it. "He paid me, but he said I was really bad at it. Still, word got around the school and suddenly, all these boys were offering to pay me anywhere from 1000 to 6000 yen to let them do what they wanted with me, you know? I had a lot of money, and suddenly I was getting a lot of attention, and I didn't see what was so bad about it for a long time."

With furrowed brows, Yusuke set his empty bento box down on the blanket. As much as Ren wanted to beg Yusuke to say something, so he could know for sure exactly how much Yusuke's opinion had changed, it was probably for the best that he hadn't spoken up yet. There was still a lot more story to tell.

"It was all fine, until I was sixteen and this one boy decided he couldn't risk his parents finding out he was gay, so he spread the word to my parents that _I_ was gay, and that I was selling myself to all the guys in school." Ren huffed a breath out, and though he was tempted to look at Yusuke to see the expression on his friend’s face, he opted against it. "Needless to say, they didn't take it well. They kicked me out and all I had was the money I'd saved from hooking. It wasn't a ton, but it was enough to get to Tokyo. So, that's what I did."

"Wow…" Yusuke whispered.

Ren nodded. "Yeah. I wish it ended there," he admitted. "But I was… I wanted my parents back, you know? I wanted them to accept me again, so I settled down in Tokyo, got a job at Leblanc, and as soon as I graduated from high school I applied for a school loan to go to college for political science."

Even though he wasn't looking at Yusuke, Ren could almost feel the shift in the air when his expression changed. "Political science?" Yusuke asked.

Humming in affirmation, Ren took another bite from his stir fry. "My folks are in politics. They're mid-rank, but they both have access to the diet building and they both know all the political bigwigs, so going into poli-sci was like… my last ditch effort to try and make it up to them."

"Make what up to them?" Yusuke asked.

Ren shrugged, finally looking up and meeting Yusuke's eye again. "Being a whore," he answered nonchalantly.

With a disappointed grunt from his throat, Yusuke admonished, "Don't call yourself that."

As Ren's face twisted in disapproval, he sighed. "Yusuke, it's what I am." _It's all I am,_ he added inwardly.

"No," Yusuke replied. "It's not what you are. Please don't say that about yourself, Ren. You're so much more than that…"

Sighing, Ren took another bite of stir fry. "Anyway," he continued, not acknowledging Yusuke's comment, "it didn't work. I went home one spring break, knocked on their door, and told them what I was doing. That I was getting really good grades, working at a coffee shop when I wasn't in class, and I wanted to follow their footsteps. I didn't _really_ want to, but I wanted to be in their life again, so I was willing to."

_"Politics has no room for whores, and neither do we. Don't come back here, do you understand? Or we will tell the police all about you."_

Thinking back to the look on his dad's face when he told Ren off and slammed the door made Ren's chest feel heavy. He frowned and glanced back down at his food again, idly stirring it rather than eating it. This story always took his appetite away. He set the bento box off to the side for now. "It didn't go well. They weren't interested in having me back in their lives, because they worried that my past would ruin their reputation, so they told me to leave and not to contact them anymore. I was… really depressed."

"Ren…" Yusuke murmured, before crawling across the blanket and sitting beside Ren rather than across from him. He sat close and reached for Ren's hand, lacing their fingers together.

To say Ren was surprised was an understatement. This wasn't the reaction he expected at all. He expected more distance, not less. Still, he couldn't bring himself to encourage distance, so he just tightened his grip on Yusuke's hand and kept talking. "I couldn't find the motivation to keep going with poli-sci, because it wasn't what _I_ wanted to do, but I would've done it so they would, you know, accept me again. So, yeah. I failed out of school. But that left me with… a lot of debt. Like, more debt than I could ever pay back working at Leblanc. I couldn't ask Sojiro for a raise, and I had no one to turn to to help me. I tried other methods to make money, too, but none of them worked."

Ren thought sadly back to the time he'd spent busking. When he first failed out of college, he'd tried using his other talents to make money. Every day after he got out of work at Leblanc, he would sit in the train station in Shibuya, singing and playing his guitar until it felt like his fingers were going to crack open and start bleeding. Music was his true dream; his passion. It was where his heart had always been when he was a kid. Unfortunately, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how well he played, he never made as much money as he made selling his body. Since then, his relationship with singing, with his guitar, was a painful one. He loved to sing, he loved to _play_. He missed it a lot. Still, knowing that no one cared about it as much as they cared about touching him and fucking him… it hurt. It hurt more than Ren could really put into words.

Quickly, Ren shook the thought off. Thinking about his music and how much he missed it only made him feel sadder, and he didn't want to drag Yusuke down into that part of him. "So… I fell back into hooking. Now, I was making real money, you know? Adult money. Not 1000 to 6000 yen a trick, but 30,000 to 60,000, depending on the night. Apparently 180,000 on really good nights," he added with a bitter laugh, hearkening back to the night they met. "I've almost paid the debt off now, but I figure, it's all I'm good for. So… why fight it, you know?"

"Stop that," Yusuke's voice was a low rumble again.

Ren turned to look at Yusuke, and was surprised to see the mismatch between his voice and his face. His tone was angry, but his eyes were soft and gentle, like he wanted to prove to Ren exactly how wrong his opinion of himself was.

Before Ren could reply, Yusuke continued. "You are good for so much more than that, and I refuse to let you think so low of yourself any longer." His tone had softened completely to match his expression now, and he brushed some of Ren’s hair from in front of his eyes.

It was a sweet thought, but it wasn't like some nice words could miraculously undo all the years Ren had lived with his doubts. Not even if those kind words were coming from someone as amazing as Yusuke was. He was about to tell Yusuke as much, but before he got a chance to speak, Yusuke shushed him with a gentle finger to his lips and a soft, gentle smile.

Then, Yusuke continued speaking. "You, Ren Amamiya, are a brilliant, marvelous person; a wonderful friend to everyone around you. You are kind and thoughtful, you are intelligent and sensitive to people's feelings… and you are _magnificent_. You can do absolutely anything you set your mind to." He sounded so sure, like there was nothing in the world capable of making him change his mind.

"I'm not—"

Yusuke's face went sharp now, along with his voice. "Yes, you _are_. Ren, please listen to me. I don't care what other people have told you." He paused. "Well, that isn't exactly true. I do care. I care a great deal, in fact, if only because it's so grossly untrue and I hate to see your candle snuffed out by people who don't care to know the real you."

Quietly, Ren grasped Yusuke's hand. Yusuke didn't need any encouragement, instantly weaving their fingers together and holding Ren's hand like Ren was the most important person in the world. Maybe it was stupid, but in the end, it was their entwined hands that convinced Ren of how much Yusuke meant what he was saying. Ren's gaze trailed up Yusuke's arm to meet his eyes, and he tried to figure out what to say.

"Ren," Yusuke broke the silence, seemingly determined to get Ren to listen to him. He took Ren's chin between two of his fingers and brushed his thumb along Ren's lower lip. "I'm not asking for a miracle, okay? I'm truly not. I'm simply asking you to _consider_ trying to seek out other opportunities. Opportunities where you can _truly_ find the happiness you deserve."

Ren's lips quirked up into a smile against his volition. "I haven't been to Shinjuku in a little more than two weeks, did you know that?" he asked, casting Yusuke a meaningful look.

It wasn't an agreement, but it may as well have been.

"You haven't?" Yusuke asked, his eyes wide.

Much to Ren's surprise, his cheeks heated up. The embarrassing part wasn't necessarily how long it had been since he'd been back, but the implication behind it…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we have a slight hint into where Ren's ambitions _really_ lie! It's only a matter of time until he tells Yusuke! :o
> 
> As always, thanks to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics) for being the best, encouraging and betaing me this whole time! ♥


	22. Skydiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _i take the leap,_  
>  _without a parachute..._  
>  _'cause i can't keep_  
>  _my hands away from you._  
> [skydiving](https://open.spotify.com/track/7IMahreYyDefIMu34OvHPX?si=xhb0S1EaS0iY9C1ZEn39bw) ;; lights  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jgnfCUSL2M) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/lights/skydiving.html) }

… an implication that wasn't lost on Yusuke in the slightest.

Two weeks, just like the two weeks it had been since Yusuke started staying with Ren. Ren hadn't been to Shinjuku for two weeks, hadn't sold his body for two weeks. Yusuke wasn't so arrogant as to think he had anything to _do_ with that decision, but if the way Ren was looking at him was any indication, he felt like he may have been wrong about that. Yusuke traced Ren's finger with his thumb. A sign of comfort, much the way Ren had done with him when he was feeling particularly vulnerable, and watched as Ren glanced down at their entwined hands.

"Two weeks?" Yusuke asked, his voice quiet, like the words were a secret for just the two of them.

Ren nodded and flicked his eyes back upward to meet Yusuke's. "Yeah," he answered. "Just… haven't felt the need to."

Once again, Yusuke wondered about the implication. He remembered Ren's words, about how he felt like selling himself and sex were all he was good for, and then compared them to what he was saying now. Ren hadn't felt the need to go to Shinjuku to work for two weeks, and Yusuke had been in his apartment with him for two weeks. In the back of Yusuke's mind, he found himself wondering if there was _any_ correlation. A part of him wanted to ask, but the rest of him worried about how arrogant he would sound; how bold it was of him to assume any part in Ren's decision not to partake in that particular activity anymore.

As though reading Yusuke's mind, Ren half-smiled and shrugged his head to the side. "'Cause of you, I'm pretty sure."

"Me?" Yusuke asked, surprised.

Ren nodded. "Yeah, you. I mean… you come along, and all of a sudden you're seeing all these _things_ in me. Things I still don't know how you can see," he mumbled.

With a soft laugh, half-surprised, half-resigned, Yusuke replied, "I see them because they're there."

Again, Ren laughed. "Like that," he mumbled. "In one conversation, one where I reveal exactly how dumb I've been and how everything that happened to me is my fault, you have me thinking about possibilities I haven't thought about in like… years. I haven't thought about culinary school or mus-... uh, anything else... since I decided to start my poli-sci classes, Yusuke."

Yusuke frowned. Not because Ren was thinking about other opportunities again, that was a good thing and he was glad for it. No, Yusuke frowned because, for some reason, Ren saw fit to blame himself for everything bringing him to where he was. Sure, there were parts of the story where Ren made bad decisions. _Some_ of the things he did weren't necessarily the best. Choosing to sell his body in the first place was one of them. Enrolling in political science classes when they weren't what he _truly_ wanted in life was another. However, those decisions were all linked back to a deep-seated desire for his loved ones and peers to accept him. A boy requested affection, and Ren likely thought it would earn him the boy's affection in return. His parents refused to accept him, so he threw himself into a career he didn't want in hopes that it would earn him their love. Neither ended up working, but could Yusuke truly blame him for falling into those traps?

No, he couldn't, because it was almost exactly the same situation he'd found himself in with Madarame, just in different packaging. For so long, Yusuke had convinced himself that Madarame's actions were okay and acceptable, but it took such a short time for Ren to show him exactly how wrong his opinion was. Maybe… maybe that was how their relationship was special. No one simply gave or took. They gave and took together. They supported each other.

"If I truly had a hand in your decision, I am endlessly glad," Yusuke admitted, a smile spreading across his face.

Ren nodded. "You did. You make me feel like… maybe I'm worth something after all." The confession came with a soft, gentle chuckle, but Ren didn't look away from Yusuke's gaze this time.

In contrast to Ren's slight smile, Yusuke could feel his smile taking up his whole entire face. Even if Ren didn't exactly see _everything_ he was worth, how amazing and beautiful he was, it was a start. It was more than he'd heard for the entirety of their friendship, and it was exactly what Yusuke wanted to hear.

"Good," Yusuke answered. "Because you are. You are worth everything, Ren."

Shrugging, Ren turned to look at the grass around their blanket and sighing. "You know, you're the first person I've ever told that to. The real story, I mean. Everyone gets my 'hide the truth' version."

Yusuke nodded. "Because of Makoto?" he asked.

"I mean, yeah, partially," Ren admitted. "I really don't wanna get arrested. But… it's also partially because… it's not where I thought I'd be, you know? I really did think I'd play m-… uh, go to culinary school and be working at a fancy restaurant or something." The slip caught Yusuke's attention, but before he could comment, Ren continued. "I thought I'd have more direction than part-time barista, part-time whore—"

Expression sharpening, Yusuke shook his head. "Don't call yourself that, please."

Ren laughed bitterly, before biting his lip. "I'll try to remember, okay? It's… it's a work-in-progress, but…" Shrugging, he turned to look at Yusuke and murmured, "I guess, since I'm not going back—I mean, except to visit my friends I met out that way—I should start finding a new way to talk about myself."

"Wait. Say that again, please?" Yusuke asked.

When Ren laughed this time, there was much less bitterness in it, and a slight hint of amusement rose up in his place. "I'm not going back, Yusuke."

Blinking, Yusuke's brow furrowed. While he'd never _asked_ , he couldn't deny that the thought of Ren going back to Shinjuku and ending up sleeping with another stranger filled him with an irrational flame of jealousy. Irrational, because he was fully aware he had just as much claim on Ren as any of the men who had hired him; which was to say, absolutely none. The relief he felt at the thought of Ren never going back there, never being hired by those people again, was probably plain on his face.

"You aren't?" Yusuke asked.

Ren didn't answer with words right away. Instead, he lifted his own hand, placing it on the side of Yusuke's face and lifting his chin. He leaned in close to Yusuke's ear and whispered his next words. "I don't need to anymore, Yusuke. I don't need the work, because my loans are all paid. And I don't… I don't need the other part, because I have you."

The look in Ren's eyes said much more than any words could've possibly said. Sure, the words were lovely, and Yusuke couldn't deny the way they practically stole the breath from his lungs, but that _look_ was hard to mistake. His eyes were warm and gentle, and while there was that sparkle of mischief there, there was also an alarming amount of softness. His focus was solely on Yusuke, and it felt almost like, even though there were dozens of other couples all around Seaside Park, Yusuke was the only person in Ren's universe. Yusuke's chest felt light, like his heart wanted to sprout wings and fly away.

"Yusuke?" Ren asked in a whisper against Yusuke's ear.

In a voice stricken with breathlessness, Yusuke replied. "Yes?"

Ren could have asked for the moon, and Yusuke would have complied. He would have found a way to bring the moon down to earth, or bring Ren to the moon. Any demand, any desire, Yusuke would have done everything in his power to make it so. Fortunately, the request ended up being nothing so outlandish. As it turned out, this particular request was the easiest one Yusuke could have thought of.

"Do you want to go home?" Ren asked, his lips brushing against Yusuke's ear and sending a rush of blood downward.

They were simple words, but the way Ren said them and the way his hand landed high on Yusuke's thigh as they escaped led Yusuke to believe that there was nothing simple about them. Truth be told, ever since earlier, back at the apartment when Ren had kissed him and touched him and they _had_ to stop, lest they miss their movie, Yusuke's libido was already on alert. 'Going home,' getting the chance to touch Ren again—not that there had been any shortage of those sorts of activities over the past two weeks—was very high on Yusuke's priority list. Ren's voice, and Ren's gentle breath against Yusuke's ear, was only serving to drive him even crazier.

Two could play that game.

Yusuke leaned down and pressed a very slow, but very deliberate, open-mouthed kiss to Ren's neck. His lips trailed up from the crook of Ren's shoulder to his earlobe, and then he whispered soft and low in Ren's ear. "Yes… and when we get there, I want _you_."

When it earned a low, breathy chuckle from Ren, Yusuke realized his mission was accomplished. "I can do that," Ren replied, before gently nipping at Yusuke's neck and then sitting up straight.

A glance between them showed Yusuke that they were _both_ decently interested in what happened next. Admittedly, they rushed a little bit when it came time to clean up their picnic. Everything was haphazardly thrown or stuffed back into Ren's bag, and it was a miracle they hadn't forgotten anything. Still, just the concept, just the _thought_ that when they got home, Yusuke would know what it felt like to truly make love to Ren, had his mind reeling.

They got on the train, hiding in the very back, in two seats completely shielded from view by an advertisement partition, and that was when the challenge really began. Perhaps it would have been enough to spend the whole train ride kissing and touching one another, but it seemed, for them, it wasn't even close. They definitely kissed. They definitely touched. However, it went a little further than that as well. After they took a brief rest to switch from the blue line to the green line, Ren spent the whole of the next three stops palming at Yusuke's length over his jeans, stroking him into full interest. It was hard to keep quiet, but with Ren's lips over his, he somehow managed.

That wasn't to say Yusuke was slacking either. Their arms were a messy knot, as Yusuke's fingers teased Ren's hip piercings beneath his shirt, and the other hand reached down to gently stroke at Ren's length over his pants as well. Each time Ren hummed a moan against Yusuke's lips, Yusuke's interest twitched a little.

By the time the train stopped at Yongen-Jaya, they were both panting, writhing messes, desperate to get back to Ren's apartment. So desperate, in fact, that they practically sprinted through the streets of Yongen-Jaya. Ren pinned Yusuke to Leblanc's door as he fumbled for his keys, kissing Yusuke hard and pressing his thigh against Yusuke's groin. Yusuke was unable to resist the urge to rock his hips against Ren's thigh, but the motion caused _Yusuke's_ thigh to brush against _Ren's_ interest, which in turn made Ren drop his keys onto the ground.

They broke for a moment, sharing a breathless laugh while Ren crouched down to get his keys from the ground and unlocked the door. However, as soon as the door was unlocked and they were on the other side, self-control was thrown out the window again. Ren kept the mental wherewithal to lock the Leblanc door, but then the pair of them rushed upstairs. Ren discarded his backpack, shouldering it to the floor—the wine bottle inside hit with a thud, but if it broke, neither of them really cared right then—and then pulled Yusuke back to him, backing him into the nearest wall and leaning up to crush their lips together in a bruising kiss.

The combination of Yusuke's back hitting the wall and Ren's lips hitting Yusuke's pushed a sharp exhale from his lungs. Just as quickly, he settled into position and placed his complete and total trust in Ren, allowing his friend—his lover—complete and total control of his body.

It seemed they'd left one thing behind in Seaside Park, and that was their self-control. Yusuke couldn't have cared less about that if he tried, though.

Ren urged Yusuke away from the wall, and Yusuke found himself lamenting the loss of feeling completely and totally surrounded by Ren. Still, as Ren turned them toward the bed, backing them up slowly and urging the shirt—Ren's shirt—up and over Yusuke's shoulders, he suddenly found himself flooded with new feelings in its place. Just as good feelings. The back of Yusuke's legs hit the bed, and he fell into a seated position, forcing their lips apart for the moment.

In the following few seconds, Yusuke looked up at Ren inquisitively, watching him shuck his own shirt to the floor. In the soft glow of the street lights outside, he looked even more beautiful. The light shone through the window and glinted brightly from the four studs on his hips, and Yusuke couldn't help but stare for a few more seconds. The studs were different from what Yusuke was accustomed to seeing. Instead of the glinting silver, four black diamonds glinted on Ren's hips. They were even more eye-catching.

"Your hip studs," Yusuke murmured.

Ren looked down. "What about them?" he asked.

Yusuke mused, "These are new ones."

With a shake of his head, Ren answered. "No, I just… just don't wear them outside of special occasions."

"Special occasions?"

Ren simply nodded, grinning nervously and teasing his lower lip with his teeth.

"I see."

Nodding, Ren glanced back down at his hips. "Do you like them?" He glanced back up, worry and doubt lining his eyes.

It was Yusuke's turn to nod. "Yes, I do. Very much, in fact."

Ren grinned. "Good…" he answered, his tone fairly obvious in its relief.

Without question, Ren was, "... the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life," Yusuke spoke, before reaching both hands up and sliding them along Ren's abdomen.

A lopsided smile crossed Ren's lips as he leaned down to unbutton Yusuke's jeans. "You're not so bad yourself," Ren told him, gently pushing Yusuke down to the bed and tugging both his jeans and his underclothes away.

Yusuke couldn't help a generous crop of nerves from springing up. It was the first time anyone else had seen him naked. He was a little surprised when Ren leaned over, switching the bedside light on, and then looked him over again… this time in seemingly excruciating detail. Yusuke could feel his face heating up, as he watched Ren's expression, trying to get a read on what the look in his eyes meant. His eyes were wide, and he was chewing on his lower lip, with half of it quirked up into a grin. What did that mean?

"You are… so gorgeous, Yusuke," Ren murmured in a low whisper, before crawling onto the bed on top of Yusuke and leaning down to capture Yusuke's lips in another hungry kiss.

As much as Yusuke wanted to answer—wanted to tell Ren exactly how gorgeous he was—the weight of Ren's body and the feel of Ren's lips drained any possible reply from his mind before it had a chance to form. Ren's jeans brushed lightly against the bare skin of Yusuke's interest, making him shudder and pull Ren closer in a feeble attempt to stop the chill against his burning skin. It earned a low chuckle from Ren against his lips. A few seconds later, Ren broke the kiss and started trailing more kisses down his jaw and to his neck. The chilly air in the room combined with the feeling of Ren's lips on Yusuke's neck to make him shiver, a shiver which only intensified when Ren reached a hand down to brush up Yusuke's length from base to tip.

Yusuke pulled in a sharp breath. "Ren…"

Ren's kiss moved from Yusuke's neck down to his chest, and Yusuke could feel his lover smiling against his skin. Each kiss left a droplet of fire in its wake, which spread out through Yusuke's whole body and made him feel like he was overheating even though he was completely naked and in a somewhat chilly room. After tracing Yusuke's length again, Ren moved his hand back down to the base, wrapping around loosely and gently tugging, just once. The pressure and friction felt _amazing_. Blood rushed downward and pooled in Yusuke's groin, and against his volition, Yusuke canted his hips into Ren's hand, in a feeble attempt to replicate the feeling.

"P-please…" Yusuke whispered.

Again, with tightened pressure but a slower, more languid motion, Ren ran his hand up Yusuke's length from base to tip. Except this time, when he finished, he completely removed his hand from Yusuke's skin, causing Yusuke to writhe in place.

As Ren kissed a trail down Yusuke's abdomen, he rumbled out a low chuckle. His lips moved from one of Yusuke's thighs, to the other, placing an open-mouthed kiss on each, before moving to take the place of his hand. Ren's tongue moved flat up the entire length of Yusuke's interest, from base to tip just like his hand had, pausing for the briefest of moments to lap a little pre-come from the head. It was less pressure than Ren's hand, but it was warmer and slicker, and the magma-hot feeling it shot through Yusuke's body had him crying out, letting out a shaky breath and gathering a fistful of sheets to keep himself tethered to reality. If he came too soon, that would mean it was over, and he didn't want that.

Luckily, it wasn't over. Not even close.

Ren, without hesitation, lapped another trail from base to tip, but once he got to the tip this time, that was when he really got started. Yusuke couldn't help but prop himself up on his elbows to watch, but that didn't last long at all. Ren effortlessly took in the entirety of Yusuke's length in one quick motion.

"Ah!" With a sharp inhale, Yusuke tensed and his elbows gave out, sending him tumbling back to the bed. "R-Ren…"

When Ren responded by chuckling, his voice vibrating against Yusuke's entire length, it was almost too much to take. Between all the touching on the train and the kissing against the wall, Yusuke could feel his climax building. It wouldn't take long. Not if Ren continued at this pace, anyway… which was exactly what he did. Yusuke couldn't help but rock his hips just slightly—were he more lucid, he probably would have been concerned at how it barely drew any reaction from Ren other than a brief shift of his position—as Ren hollowed his cheeks and drew his mouth back to the tip, where he lapped more precome. Then he moved back down, all the way to the base, slowly drawing back to the tip once more.

Yusuke fisted the sheets tightly in his hand. "Close, Ren. I… I'm…"

The very second Ren started sucking, was when Yusuke lost it. It felt like his climax exploded from within, from somewhere deep inside his gut. White-hot blasts of ecstasy ravaged Yusuke's body as he tensed and cried out unintelligibly. Maybe he was trying to say Ren's name. Maybe he was trying to voice his approval. He wasn't sure what he was trying to say, but what he was _sure_ of, was the fact that he'd never felt quite so amazing before. His body shook, his muscles tensed then relaxed, and he was only vaguely aware of Ren, who was swallowing down every drop Yusuke released.

As the waves tapered away and awareness sank back in, Yusuke turned to look at Ren, who was still half-clothed. Ren had moved up to rest on the pillow next to Yusuke, and whispered positive affirmations in Yusuke's ear to ease him down from his high. Admittedly, Yusuke was only paying partial attention to Ren's words. It was easy to see the outline of Ren's interest still pressing against his jeans. Yusuke lifted his head to meet Ren's eyes, before capturing Ren's lips in a gentle kiss. The taste—his own taste—was strange. Salty, but with the undertone of the usual taste of Ren's lips. The strange taste still wasn't enough to stop him. Ren's kiss was too addictive.

The kiss broke, and Yusuke met Ren's eyes once again. "What about you?"

"Don't worry about—"

Yusuke shook his head. "No, that's… you should worry about you." Now that Yusuke's head was out of the clouds, concern seeped back in alongside the desire to reassure Ren how different this was from what he was used to.

Chuckling softly, Ren shrugged a shoulder. "I just… don't want to push it with you, Yusuke. You're… you're different. I want… no, I _need_ you to be different. You're special. I don't need to get off, okay? I'm used to—"

To Yusuke, that was exactly why Ren needed to get his own release. So, without hesitation, after stealing another kiss, Yusuke leaned close to Ren's ear. "Make love to me, Ren. Please. There is no greater way to make me feel special than to help me make _you_ feel special…" he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll just leave commentary to you guys this time. XD
> 
> Thanks, as ever, go to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics) for being amazing and helping me with this as much as she has!


	23. Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _do you hear me when i say_  
>  _you're making every single day_  
>  _a little bit better?_  
> [better](https://open.spotify.com/track/23eSs9NM5hSXN2SjN62xT8?si=uxo21a_ZRY6x9Jb8ezDX7w) ;; betty who  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14-0wPGTA3o) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bettywho/better.html) }

_Make love to me, Ren. Please. There is no greater way to make me feel special than to help me make_ you _feel special…_

It was impossible to deny the way Ren's dick pressed against the fabric of his boxer-briefs. If he hadn't been fully interested before, hearing Yusuke ask him to 'make love'—not fuck, not even have sex, _make love_ —was enough to bring him there on its own. The sound of the words and of Yusuke's breath against his ear had Ren canting his hips forward against Yusuke's side, the pressure against his dick making him suck in a shaky breath and bury his head in Yusuke's neck.

The touches and kisses felt just as incredible as they always did. Everything about Yusuke was just… amazing. Sure, he was gorgeous. That wasn't what Ren meant, though.

Yusuke was kind and gentle, he looked at Ren like Ren was a treasure to him, and every time they touched—even if it was something as simple as a brush of hands—it felt almost like Ren's heart woke up more and more. Every single day they were together was better than the last, and Ren was rapidly realizing exactly what was happening. Ren was starting to feel things he didn't know were possible; trust, comfort, happiness… maybe even love. It was only natural, wasn't it? Yusuke knew who he was, knew what he'd done, and still somehow looked at him and managed to see something more than the result of a stupid chain of mistakes. It only made sense that he'd fall in love.

Fortunately, Yusuke snapped him out of his thoughts by turning his head, capturing Ren's lips in a deep kiss. As they kissed, Yusuke reached down to make quick work of unbuttoning Ren's jeans. The kiss broke, and Yusuke smiled at him. It wasn't the normal, gentle smile Ren was used to, either. It was still soft and beautiful, but there was a little bit of mischief twinkling in his eyes as he reached beneath Ren's boxer briefs and smoothed his fingers against Ren's dick.

"Mmh," Ren murmured, arching his hips forward again and pressing against Yusuke's hand.

In a soft rumbling whisper, Yusuke asked, "I want you, Ren. Please?"

That was all Ren needed to hear. Gently, he moved Yusuke's hand and stood up. Yusuke watched him inquisitively, but Ren slid his pants and boxer briefs down and stepped out of them. Ren reached into his bedside table and gathered a bottle of lube. When he turned back to climb onto the bed, he was a little bit surprised to see Yusuke staring at him. Much to Ren's surprise, he found himself flushing under Yusuke's gaze, but the nerves faded when he realized Yusuke was smiling.

"Well, that settles it. Everything about you… _everything_ , is truly beautiful." Yusuke muttered, before extending his hand to take Ren's and pull him back toward the bed.

Chuckling nervously, Ren crawled up to Yusuke, leaning down and kissing him softly. The kiss was tender and slow, because even though just the _thought_ of what was on the way was driving him absolutely insane, he wanted it to be special for Yusuke. He wanted to make it feel good, make it _different_ from Ren's own first time. Just because Yusuke wanted it to be about Ren didn't mean Ren couldn't make it about Yusuke too.

When their kiss broke, Ren traced Yusuke's jaw with his fingertips. " _You_ 're beautiful, Yusuke. You're perfect."

"I'm not," Yusuke disagreed.

Ren shook his head. "You are. You're sweet," he paused to kiss Yusuke's neck, "sexy," he kissed Yusuke's shoulder, "smart," he kissed Yusuke's chest, "and the most amazing person I have ever known in my life." He kissed Yusuke's abdomen and his hips, sparking him into half-interest again as he uncapped the lube bottle and slicked his fingers with the clear liquid.

In what looked like an involuntary gesture, Yusuke lifted his hips from the bed and wiggled as Ren planted open-mouthed kisses and gentle nibbles to his abdomen and hips. Once again, Ren found himself completely captured by this unglued version of Yusuke. Another kiss to the inside of Yusuke's thigh, followed by a soft and gentle bite, had Yusuke whimpering and opening his legs wide, into a lazy butterfly. Ren grinned, kissing and nipping the other thigh in the same way.

Sitting up and chuckling softly at the way Yusuke whined at the lack of contact, Ren leaned down to slide his hand along Yusuke's ass. Glancing up at Yusuke's face, Ren brushed a single finger gently against Yusuke's entrance, watching him gasp and bite down on his lower lip. Grinning softly, Ren gently slid his finger inside, up to the first joint, then the second, then buried it all the way in and listened to the gasps and whimpers Yusuke let out at the new sensation. This was the easy part, and likely the last part that wouldn't involve a little bit of pain, and Ren looked up to meet Yusuke's eyes.

"Promise me you'll let me know if it hurts, and that you'll tell me to stop if it hurts you too much, okay?"

Yusuke clamped down on his lower lip, but nodded sharply. "Y-yes," he stammered.

The way he stammered and grabbed hold of the sheets was enough to drive Ren crazy with anticipation. He gently pumped his finger in and out experimentally, before adding a second finger to the mix. The added pressure made Yusuke let out a sharp cry and wriggle beneath Ren's touch, and Ren stopped in place. He had to make sure he wasn't hurting him too much.

"P-please. Keep… keep going," Yusuke begged.

Ren hesitated. "Are you sure?"

Nodding, Yusuke took matters into his own hands and rocked his hips backward against Ren's hand. That was… _ridiculously_ hot. Ren swallowed thickly, before drawing out and pushing back in, then slowly slid the third and final finger into Yusuke. The third digit had Yusuke whimpering again at first, his expression pained and his fists clenching the sheets. When he got used to the pressure and the stretching, he came undone and began wildly rocking his hips, moaning as he fucked himself with Ren's fingers. It was the hottest thing Ren had _ever_ seen.

"You are… so hot right now," Ren murmured, before pressing a hungry kiss to Yusuke's hip.

With a breathless laugh, Yusuke raked his teeth over his lip and met Ren's eyes with a bashful grin. "It felt good," was his only response.

Laughing huskily, Ren asked, "Didn't it hurt?" as he squeezed a little bit of lube onto his palm.

Yusuke shrugged his head to the side. "Just a little, but only at first. Your touch… your touch drives me wild, though, Ren. It feels… it feels as though no touch is ever enough. I always want more, want you closer somehow," he admitted in a still-breathless voice.

Swallowing thickly, Ren regarded Yusuke once more—the slight sheen of sweat practically making his body glisten and the half-lidded look on his face, with his dick right back at full interest again—and etched the image into his memory. He was so beautiful, so unbelievably sexy, and Ren couldn't wait much longer. He coated his dick with a generous application of lube, before taking position between Yusuke's still-open legs. He lifted Yusuke's legs, watching as Yusuke readily lifted his hips to receive him. Witnessing exactly how much Yusuke wanted this, it took all of Ren's mental fortitude to take it slow. After lining himself up, he gently lowered Yusuke's hips onto him, listening carefully to Yusuke's whimpers and waiting for any sign that the pain was too much.

Ren rocked his hips forward slightly, burying himself a little bit and then pausing to let Yusuke adjust. He repeated the process until he was buried all the way, his hips pressed flush against Yusuke's ass. It was a new and strange feeling. Ren was used to being on the other side of this situation, but being on the giving end, the feeling of having his entire length buried inside Yusuke's body, was surprising. Surprising, but _amazing_. The warmth, the pressure, and the slick of the lube had him gasping softly and letting his head fall backward, exposing his entire neck to Yusuke's eyes.

When he looked back down, Yusuke was reaching up for his hand. Ren took Yusuke's hand, surprised by the way Yusuke pulled upward, not stopping until he was seated in Ren's lap. Yusuke wrapped his legs around Ren's waist, hooking his ankles together behind Ren's back, and trapping his dick between them. As though on instinct, Ren tilted his head up and the pair of them crashed their lips together. Ren rocked his hips upward, lowering his hands down to grasp Yusuke's hips and settle them into a slow and steady rhythm. Their kiss ended, and Ren leaned down to kiss, lick, and bite Yusuke's neck, letting Yusuke's cries spur him on and increasing his tempo.

"Your… your body feels amazing," Ren told him, rolling his hips upward again. "You're so perfect. I can't… I can't believe how lucky I am to have you."

After a particularly deep snap of Ren's hips, Yusuke gasped and dug the tips of his fingers into Ren's shoulder blades. Ren knew exactly what that meant, and a wild grin crossed his face as he held Yusuke's hips steadily in place. Ren rocked his hips upward, replicating the exact same depth and pressure, and Yusuke gripped his shoulders tighter, dropping his head to rest in the crook of Ren's neck. Ren's grin grew. He did it again, and again, and then once more, and Yusuke held him tighter and gasped each time Ren's dick brushed against his prostate.

It wasn't long before he felt Yusuke's body tense all over again. Yusuke cried out, burying his head against Ren's shoulder. "Ren!" he cried, the sound muffled by Ren's skin, and Ren could feel Yusuke's dick twitching in a second, dry orgasm between their bodies.

The tension of Yusuke's body pulled Ren closer to the edge, but he managed to keep his mind together long enough to ask, "Yusuke, I… if you don't want me to come inside you, you have to—"

"Yes," Yusuke answered, still riding the waves of his own second climax. "It's… it's okay, Ren. Y-you can… I want you to."

Ren released Yusuke's hips, wrapping his arms around Yusuke's waist instead and pulling him close. With Yusuke's permission, Ren came with a loud cry of Yusuke's name, burying his face in Yusuke's chest to silence any further noises he may have made. His hips snapped erratically as the waves of orgasm rippled through his body, and he breathed heavily against Yusuke's skin.

Ren wasn't sure how long they stayed like that. They held each other, each coming down from their shared high, and pressed lazy kisses to whatever skin was closest to them. Ren listened to Yusuke's heartbeat as it leveled out, smoothing his fingers along Yusuke's back and enjoying the feeling of Yusuke's fingers in his hair. Slowly, Ren pulled back and looked up at Yusuke, smiling affectionately up at his lover. He didn't stop his affections to Yusuke's back, gliding still lube-slicked fingers along his skin and capturing his lips in a lazy kiss.

"You look beautiful right now," Yusuke told Ren bashfully, leaning their foreheads together. "Well, you always look beautiful, but right now… your body is glistening almost as much as the studs on your hips."

Ren smirked, kissing Yusuke again and easing him down to the bed. He gently tugged his hips backward, fighting a pleased shudder as he pulled himself out, then crawled up to lay his head against the pillows. Ren urged Yusuke closer, and smiled warmly when not only did Yusuke move closer, but he leaned his head against Ren's chest, looking adoringly up at him.

The intimacy of this moment was completely new to Ren, and it was almost overwhelming. It felt good, and Ren could honestly say it was the first time he'd ever thought that _maybe_ someone actually felt the same way about him as he did about them. Ren brushed some sweat-slicked hair out of Yusuke's face and idly traced his face with tender touches. It was probably stupid. It was probably _really_ stupid, but for once in Ren's life, he wanted to lay everything out on the table. Yusuke deserved the truth. He deserved to know how Ren felt and deserved to make a decision as to whether or not he wanted to stick around after that.

"Did you know," Ren started, continuing to trace Yusuke's face, "that I've never actually been on the giving end before?"

That wasn't what he wanted to say. Not even a little bit, actually. He cursed inwardly, turning to glance away and silently chastise himself for being _so afraid_ to take emotional plunges like that. Yusuke wasn't other people. Time and time again, Yusuke had proven to him exactly _how_ different he was from other people, in fact. Ren knew it for sure, he knew there was no reason to question or doubt, but he still couldn't fight with the fear of being rejected and reminded that he wasn't good enough.

Yusuke seemed oblivious, as he played with Ren's hip studs with eager fingers again. "You haven't?" he asked.

Deciding to see where the conversation carried him, and take whatever opportunity he could to be honest with Yusuke, Ren shook his head. "I'd never actually willingly kissed someone before you, either. I had my first kiss stolen back when I was a teenager, but I'd never… actively made the choice to kiss someone."

"You've kissed me a lot," Yusuke added, sounding completely amazed.

Nodding, Ren chuckled softly. "I've broken every rule I've ever made with you," he admitted. "My big two rules are 'no bareback, no kissing.'" He recalled using those exact words with Madarame the night he'd hired Ren to seduce Yusuke, which drew another chuckle up from Ren's chest.

Yusuke's brow furrowed. "Bareback?" he asked.

The confusion on Yusuke's face made Ren's smile soften. Of course he wouldn't be familiar with sex terms. "Oh. Uh… bareback means unprotected. Saying 'no bareback' is… it's how I've stayed clean all these years, y'know? Because I'm about a hundred percent sure half the people who've hired me aren't. Second someone showed any interest in bareback, I'd always get the hell out of there, even if it meant I didn't get paid," he admitted with an embarrassed glance down at Yusuke's hand, which came up to rest on his chest.

Even so, Ren still got monthly check-ups with Dr. Takemi, just to be a hundred percent sure. He'd had one just before he and Yusuke had met, and of course, it had come back clean again. Admittedly, the thought that he wouldn't ever have to go back for another one was more of a relief than he thought it would've been.

"What makes me worthy when no one else was?" Yusuke asked, seemingly unfazed by Ren's confession and unconcerned with any implications. He seemed to have taken Ren's word as the absolute truth. The amount of trust Yusuke put in him was absolutely baffling.

Ren shrugged. "You're different."

Yusuke eyed Ren curiously, seeming to want more from Ren's answer. "I don't quite understand," he confessed.

Naturally, this meant Ren would probably just have to come out and say it, but it was alright. Again, he reminded himself that Yusuke deserved the truth. He deserved to know everything, deserved the right to choose whether he still wanted to be with Ren, knowing that Ren was already in love with him. Even knowing that a whore—no, a _person_ ; he had to work on that. He'd promised Yusuke, after all—like Ren was in so deep with him.

"You're different," Ren repeated, but paused this time to steady himself with a slow breath before continuing, "because I'm in love with you."

When Yusuke froze and looked up at Ren without a word, Ren couldn't help but feel a little bit afraid. The lack of reaction, the shock on Yusuke's face, was the first step toward a rejection. Ren could feel it in the pit of his stomach. He tried to brace himself, tried to protect his heart, but he knew it was pointless. No matter how hard he tried to protect his heart, hearing Yusuke reject him would probably crush him. He swallowed thickly and laughed nervously, turning his head away from Yusuke and preparing to try and do damage control, but before he got the chance, he felt Yusuke's fingers caressing his cheek and turning his head back so their gazes met again. Yusuke craned his head up, pressing their lips together softly.

The kiss was gentle and tender, but Ren could feel something else behind it. It was like their usual kisses, but also different somehow. Somehow, it was simultaneously deeper, and softer at the same time. When they pulled away, Yusuke brushed some of Ren's hair from his face and smiled shyly.

"I love you, too," Yusuke told Ren, before leaning in for another kiss. This one was brief, and when he pulled back, he started lazily tracing Ren's lower lip with his thumb. "In fact, I think I've loved you for a while. For weeks," he admitted.

Ren chuckled softly. "You've lived here for two weeks…" he pointed out.

Yusuke nodded. "I know. I think I loved you before that. I think…" He paused briefly, reaching down to tug the blanket over them, "I think I fell in love with you at the Sky Tower, when I saw the photograph Futaba sent you of us together. I saw the way I looked at you in the photograph, and I felt strange. I don't think I realized what that strange feeling was until now, but… I think it was love."

Love had always been something Ren was sure he'd never get to feel, let alone have someone feel for him. Generally, it came along with connections that weren't really appropriate for someone who sold their body for money. Yet, here he was. Here he was, and here Yusuke was, and if their feelings were to be trusted, they were in love with each other. Ren couldn't help but smile as he leaned down to press a gentle kiss to his friend's forehead.

Ren paused. 'Friend.' The word didn't seem really… _right_ anymore when it came to describing what was happening between them. Of course, it was important to recognize that they _were_ friends, because they were. Yusuke was still one of the people—maybe _the_ person—Ren trusted most in the world, after all. Thinking of Yusuke, who was the first person in Ren's life he'd ever confessed love for, who he'd broken all his rules for and he would break anyone else's rules for, too, as a friend… it didn't seem like enough. Even though Ren had never had a boyfriend before, he didn't care. Yusuke could be his first, and with any hope, his only.

Ren glanced down at Yusuke, watching with a nervous smile as Yusuke turned to look back up at him, trust and adoration in his eyes. It was that trust which spurred Ren into action.

"Do you think," Ren asked, "we can stop calling each other 'friends?' Would you mind… would it be okay if I called you my boyfriend?"

It was a pretty roundabout way of asking Yusuke to _be_ his boyfriend, but if the way Yusuke's eyes lit up like midsummer fireworks was any indication, Yusuke had gotten the hint and didn't mind the concept. Craning his neck and turning Ren's chin to face him, Yusuke closed the short distance between them and pressed their lips together in another slow, tantalizing kiss. Yusuke's hand moved from Ren's chin to the back of his head, holding him in place and kissing him as deeply as possible. They kissed until Ren's lungs burned, pulling back with a quiet but satisfying smacking of lips, and leaning their foreheads against each other as they gasped for air.

Finally, Yusuke spoke. "Only if I get to call you mine," he answered breathlessly, before kissing Ren once more, softly and briefly this time.

Ren laughed quietly, tugging the blanket up tighter around them and nodding as Yusuke settled back in against his shoulder. "Sounds like a deal, then," he said with a smile.

The room was quiet, but it wasn't a suffocating silence, or even a _bad_ silence. It was the type of silence which only existed between people who didn't need words to feel safe and comfortable. The kind of silence which took most people years to develop, but the kind that Ren already felt with Yusuke after a few short weeks. Maybe they should have cleaned up, but Ren was tired, Yusuke looked tired, and he really just didn't want to move. Tomorrow morning, they could go to the bathhouse together and wash up. For now, though, Ren stretched his arm out, just barely reaching the light on the nightstand to turn it off.

"I love you, Ren," Yusuke whispered, holding Ren even tighter.

Ren smiled happily as he settled in against the pillows. "I love you too, Yusuke," he answered. And he did. He really, really did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND NOW IT'S FINALLY OFFICIAL! Boyfriendsssss. How long can this happy last? :o
> 
> Also, while I realize that unprotected sex is a hot button issue in fanfic at the moment, I feel like it's very pivotal for Ren in this fic. Especially given what it represents. Please don't complain about it! ♥ It was an artistic choice.
> 
> Thank you, as ever, to the incomparable [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics), for always being a major help with my creativity, being a great beta, and just being an all-around cool person in general. I'm lucky to have her as a friend.


	24. For Me, It's You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _everybody got something_  
>  _that they want to sing about, laugh about, cry about..._  
>  _it's true... for me, it's you._  
> [for me, it's you](https://open.spotify.com/track/5lhBvH5IMnhyONeHBjaxfA?si=3UbwH_moTq2ac3lEufw4_w) ;; train  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EemknZY3Il8) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/train/formeitsyou.html) }

Two weeks had passed, and each day since Ren asked Yusuke to be his boyfriend seemed to be better than the last. For most of Yusuke's life, he'd deemed it impossible to be this happy, but the new pattern he'd fallen into was so far beyond his expectation. Waking up next to Ren every morning, parting for a few hours to go to their respective jobs, then reconvening at the end of the day and deciding what they wanted to do until they went to bed... it was more than he ever could have dreamed of. It was like something out of a painting, or an old film, or a love song.

It wasn't anything fictional, though. It was real, it was his, and he felt like the luckiest man alive.

More surprising than his happiness, however, was exactly how much his art had taken off in such a short time. He still had his day job, of course, and he really didn't mind working at the grocery store, but alongside that, Haru had spread the word to some of her business associates about his art. Ever since word started getting around, Yusuke had started getting commissions from some of the powerful names in Japan. Admittedly, he was slightly worried about word of his new and burgeoning career getting back to Madarame, but even if it did, Madarame still didn't know where they lived. Even if he _did_ somehow figure out where Yusuke was now, there was no chance Yusuke would ever give up this happy new life just to go back to being Madarame's puppet.

For the first time in his life, he was his own man and he could truly say he was happy. That happiness could all be traced back to Ren, no matter how much Ren insisted Yusuke had found it on his own. So, because of that, Yusuke wanted to do something special for Ren, for a change. Ren always did special things for Yusuke, and he had ever since they'd met. As far back as the night they spent watching the Purge, Ren always did special things for Yusuke, but now, it was Yusuke's turn.

Several nights in a row, Yusuke had searched through pamphlets of sights in Tokyo, and asked for assistance from all of their friends. Of course, he was fully aware of how strange it probably sounded. Yusuke, a man who had lived in Tokyo his whole life, not having any idea of where to take his boyfriend for a date. Their friends were all confused as well, but Yusuke had managed to bypass their concern by lying and explaining how his sensei sheltered him and refused to allow him to date. It was, of course, a mere fraction of the truth and it made Yusuke feel incredibly guilty, but they all believed the lie and helped Yusuke find the perfect place.

The sakura garden in Shinjuku came highly recommended by Haru, but Yusuke overrode the idea. The last thing he wanted was to bring Ren's mind to the unpleasantness of the past, so he opted instead for the sakura garden in Ueno. Just the photos Yusuke saw in the pamphlet were beautiful, and he was sure Ren would see the beauty and understand why Yusuke chose the place. Yusuke couldn't deny his own intrigue at the thought of seeing a real, true sakura garden instead of just photos or videos.

After the garden, Yusuke decided he would leave it to Ren to choose where they went for dinner.

For the moment, while he waited for Ren to get home from a shopping trip with the girls, he worked on a preliminary sketch for a commission. The local doctor, Dr. Takemi, had very unique taste, Yusuke realized. She requested something gothic for her girlfriend, Makoto's sister Sae. The only information she'd given Yusuke was her desire for the painting to have a skull, 1920's style clothing, leather, and lace. Perhaps a peculiar combination, but Yusuke was somewhat satisfied with his preliminary sketch so far. He'd drawn a skull in a flapper hat, with a lace veil hanging over its face, and a spiked choker around its bony neck. It seemed to fit the specifications.

With a laugh to himself, Yusuke realized his sketch looked like something right from Ryuji's dreams.

"Got home just in time to hear you laugh," Ren's voice echoed out through the room from the staircase. "It's gonna be a good night, I think."

At the sound of Ren's voice, Yusuke perked and smiled even wider. His eyes fell upon his boyfriend's face, and the smile softened. Ren looked exhausted after being dragged around town. Yusuke had heard stories of exactly how energetic their female friends were when they shopped, and this seemed to be the result of such energy.

With a warm smile, Yusuke greeted, "Welcome home."

Ren smirked. "Thanks. No idea where Ann and Futaba find all that energy, but man am I ever tired," he mused, shucking his hoodie and dropping it haphazardly on the floor.

Yusuke stood and made his way across the room, meeting Ren halfway. Ren lifted his hands and placed them on Yusuke's hips, tugging forward and sliding his hands into Yusuke's back pockets. Yusuke let himself be tugged, let Ren touch him however he wanted, immediately submitting himself to his boyfriend's whims and enjoying whatever contact Ren was willing to offer him. No matter how often they touched, no matter how familiar and pleasant Ren's touch was, it still felt better every time. Ren's body was warm, his hands gentle, and his arms comfortable.

Just as soon as Yusuke collected his thoughts, Ren started pressing lazy, open-mouthed kisses to Yusuke's neck and jaw. The feeling simultaneously distracted Yusuke from his thought process and made him melt into Ren's touch. He tilted his head to the side, allowing Ren easier access and breathing a steady breath through his nose when Ren eagerly takes the offer. On will alone, Yusuke managed to remember he had plans for them tonight. Ren deserved a night for him, after all the time he'd spent putting together perfect nights for Yusuke. However, if he was too tired...

"You said you were tired," Yusuke muttered. "Are you too tired to go out tonight?"

Ren placed another open-mouthed kiss to Yusuke's neck, right on his pulse point. "Mmm," he hummed, before kissing a trail up Yusuke's jaw and to his lips. "Probably not. You have something in mind?"

The very second Ren finished speaking, he continued his affections to Yusuke's neck and jaw, and it took every ounce of focus Yusuke had to keep his mental wherewithal, especially as Ren kissed just beneath his earlobe. "I do," Yusuke finally spoke, in a huskier voice than he planned on using. "As much as I wish to tell you right now, however, I would prefer to keep the first part a secret until we arrive."

"First part?" Ren murmured, his breath kissing Yusuke's ear and sending a shiver up his spine.

Yusuke nodded. "Yes," he answered, trying to keep his mind in check. "The second part will be dinner, of course. I want you to pick somewhere for us to go. Somewhere nice. Today was payday, and I still have plenty of money left from Haru's commission..."

For a moment, Ren's affections stopped. "I told you to save that," he reminded Yusuke gently.

Yes, Ren had refused his part of the money and insisted Yusuke needed to put it away, but Yusuke didn't like it. It felt too much like what Madarame had done to him for so many years. Gently, he eased away from Ren's lips and met his boyfriend's eye with an encouraging smile. "Perhaps, but half of that money is rightfully yours, and since you won't allow me to give it to you, I have to do this instead."

"Yusuke, I don't need—"

Cutting Ren off with a kiss before he had a chance to finish, Yusuke brushed a hand along his cheek. "Perhaps not, but you deserve it. Please? I want to treat you," he insisted.

The tentative smile on Ren's face showed Yusuke exactly how necessary the date was. Ren had come far, of course. Lately, he had even started to catch himself when he was about to refer to himself in a derogatory way. Slowly but surely, Ren was beginning to see his own self-worth, and recognized exactly how beautiful and marvelous a person he was. If Yusuke had a hand in making him realize that, he was glad for it.

In turn, Ren was helping Yusuke realize how little he'd ever needed Madarame. Nothing he'd painted over the past few weeks would have been possible without Ren's help. Between the endless inspiration he still felt from watching Jurassic Park, as well as a second attempt to draw and paint Ren—helped along by the fact that his boyfriend had even agreed to _model_ for him this time—and the new ideas hitting him every single day, Yusuke felt like he was exactly where he needed to be.

"Please?" Yusuke begged again.

Ren laughed and shrugged his head. "How about sushi, then?" he asked.

Smiling eagerly in reply, Yusuke nodded. "Sushi it is, Admittedly, I haven't had proper sushi in a very long time."

Afterward, the conversation devolved into a discussion of where they would bathe. Initially, they thought about bathing at the bathhouse, but after considering their shared kisses and touches moments ago, they both agreed that perhaps it wasn't the best idea. Every time they bathed together at the bathhouse, they always ended up taking more time than usual and didn't get much actual bathing done. Sojiro extended them the kindness of showering at his house whenever they needed to, and if they wanted to get anywhere tonight, they decided that they absolutely needed to.

Never in his life did Yusuke think physical intimacy could be quite so addictive. Ren had taken him to places he never dreamed possible. Every time his boyfriend touched his body, no matter where it was, it resonated with Yusuke and drove him insane. Yusuke loved the simple things; the tender way Ren's hands felt when they grazed his skin, or the way Ren's lips felt when they kissed Yusuke's most sensitive places. He was _also_ quickly discovering how much he enjoyed Ren's little love bites, when he nipped gently at Yusuke's skin or tugged at Yusuke's lip as they kissed...

Slowly, surely, Yusuke was learning all the ways to make Ren crazy, too. His piercings were a sensitive spot, he loved to have his inner thighs touched, he loved to be kissed, whether it was slow and deliberate or fast and needy. The thoughts swirled through Yusuke's mind as he showered. The way Ren moaned when Yusuke's fingertips brushed his thighs, the way Ren sighed when Yusuke touched his hip studs. The way those hip studs looked when Ren rocked his hips, thrusting upward into Yusuke, each thrust brushing his prostate as fervent, hungry cries spilled from Ren's mouth, increasing in tempo and desperation as he drew closer and closer to release—

Snapping himself out of his thoughts with a sharp shake of his head, Yusuke turned the hot water off and let the cold water rain down over him. It pulled him from his fantasy and back to reality. If there was any hope of them making it to the sakura garden in a timely manner, he had to chase those thoughts away.

Before Yusuke was even finished with his shower, the water was ice cold. Luckily, by the time he stepped out, he finally managed to get his mind out of the gutter.

As soon as Yusuke dried off, he dressed quickly in some of the clothing Ann had helped him pick. A light blue shirt under a dark blue sweater, with black jeans which, by some miracle, actually fit him far more comfortably than anything he'd had before. Ann was very in tune with people and clothes, Yusuke decided as he glanced at his reflection and tied his hair back in a messy ponytail. Even without him telling her, Ann knew his size, and seemed to have picked clothes that didn't make him look like he was trying to swim in a sea of fabric. After Yusuke tied his hair back, he brushed a wrinkle from his sweater, deposited his towels in the hamper, and left the room.

Unfortunately, Yusuke barely made it two steps before Futaba greeted him with a wry smile and a salute as she passed by with a giant bag of potato chips. Yusuke was about to shrug her off, but before he could continue down the hall, he heard her call out to him.

"You _know_ ," Futaba declared from several feet away, "there's _totally_ an apartment available a block away, Inari. If you and Flower Child move in there together? You won't have to keep coming here and using up all our hot water."

Yusuke arched an eyebrow and turned to glance at Futaba. "Pardon?" he asked.

With a nonchalant shrug, Futaba continued. "I'm just sayin'! Think about it! Livin' with Flower Child, havin' your own shower, doin' all that gross stuff couples do all over your apartment probably _in_ your own shower," she continued, ticking each point off on a finger.

Before long, Yusuke tuned Futaba out and considered what she was suggesting. A whole apartment to themselves, where they were free to be them. More than just a room worth of space for their things. Ren with a shelf full of cookbooks and more room to discover other talents, ways he can thrive without selling his body. A proper apartment for them, a space that was theirs... it was appealing for more than just the concept of "doing all the gross stuff that couples do," or however Futaba had so childishly put it. Granted, the opportunity to touch Ren when and wherever he wanted without having to worry about alerting Leblanc's customers was appealing, to say the least.

"Ew!" Futaba broke his concentration with an exaggerated cry. "You're thinking dirty stuff, aren't you? Weirdo Inari!"

Yusuke scoffed. "I beg your pardon, but _you_ are the one who brought the topic up!" he reminded her.

Futaba huffed and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but I wasn't trying to get you to think about gross things! That's my brother, you creep!" she made a dramatic face and shook her head sharply.

Heat rushed to Yusuke's cheeks, and he quickly turned his head to try and shield his embarrassment from Futaba's view. "I… what? You are... positively _infuriating_! Why would you even bring this up? It isn't as though Ren would even consider such a—"

With a playful laugh, Futaba shrugged. "Or would he? Where do you think I got the idea, Weirdo Inari?" she asked. "I'm just sayin', the Leblanc attic's cool and everything, but wouldn't it be cooler to have _more_ than one room? Think about it!" Then, without another word, she turned on her heel and continued toward her room.

Yusuke stood in place for a moment, blinking after her and trying to piece together what she'd just told him. An apartment in Yongen-Jaya with Ren; a place that was just theirs, somewhere for them to just be together and be unabashedly themselves. The more Yusuke thought about it, the more he loved the idea. The thought spun around in his head, and he slowly made his way down the stairs. He found Ren in the kitchen, finishing a cup of coffee with Sojiro. Ren's expression brightened when he saw Yusuke, and Yusuke noticed how Ren looked him over from head to toe. A second flush crept across Yusuke's face and he chuckled bashfully.

Sojiro broke their silence with a soft chuckle. "Guess that's my cue to head up to bed, then. Take tomorrow off, Ren," he demanded.

Ren arched an eyebrow. "I thought—"

"I know what you thought. You thought wrong, though. I can open the shop tomorrow morning. I did it for a long time before you came along, remember? I'm telling you to take tomorrow off and have some fun tonight, okay?" Sojiro told him, his voice surprisingly gentle in spite of his words. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

The grin on Ren's face was playful and wry as he brushed a hand through his hair. "Doesn't leave a lot off the table, does it?" he teased Sojiro.

Sojiro snorted a laugh. "Smart-ass. Have a good time, you two. And if I see you come downstairs tomorrow with your apron on, I'm having your boyfriend here either drag you back up the stairs or back out the door," he finished with a grin.

Before he headed up the stairs, however, he stopped in place to gently grasp Yusuke's shoulder. "Hey, thanks for convincing him to loosen up a little bit, kid," he told Yusuke with a warm smile, loud enough for Ren to hear him. "I always worried that he was gonna work himself into the ground at the shop, but he's lightened up ever since you two started shacking up."

Inwardly, Yusuke considered how Sojiro was both right and wrong at the same time. It was never Leblanc that wore Ren down, and Yusuke knew that full well. It was all but proven now, too, because even Sojiro seemed to have noticed the change in Ren's demeanor and habits. With a smile to himself, he turned and shared a secretive, conspiratory grin with Ren.

"I was happy to do it," Yusuke assured Sojiro.

Sojiro laughed over his shoulder as he started up the stairs. "Alright, no need to be weird about it, you two," he joked.

As soon as Sojiro left the room, Ren and Yusuke shared a soft laugh. Ren crossed the room and draped his arms around Yusuke's waist and smiled lovingly, before leaning in to steal an innocent kiss. "You ready to go?" he asked.

With a smile of his own, Yusuke nodded. "Yes. Let's," he agreed.

Their hands slid together like two pieces of a puzzle, and they left Sojiro's house to head for the train. Maybe tonight, if the mood was right, Yusuke could convince himself to talk to Ren about the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A date! Wonder what shenanigans the boys could get up to here!
> 
> Thank you, as always, to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics) for being an amazing beta and friend, and for keeping me sane during this massive writer's block and slump I'm in! ♥


	25. I Do It For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> _there's no love like your love,_  
>  _and no other could give more love._  
>  _there's nowhere unless you're there,_  
>  _all the time, all the way._  
> [everything i do, i do it for you](https://open.spotify.com/track/6eBK3edMW7bEzecF1eCezc?si=jPrr-7AnRR-DefbvalYQbg) ;; byran adams  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFD2gu007dc) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bryanadams/everythingidoidoitforyou.html) }

Ren honestly couldn't remember the last time had visited a sakura garden, but he was sure he was single-digit age. He'd considered it a few times since then, but quickly shook the idea away when he deemed it one of those places people went with a significant other. Considering Ren had never actually had a _real_ boyfriend until Yusuke, he'd always considered romantic places like this outside of his realm of possibility. Going in alone and walking among all the couples, he knew he'd stick out like a sore thumb. Luckily that wasn't a problem anymore. Now, he fit right in because he was one of them.

Walking along the path arm in arm, unashamed of who saw them, Ren could honestly say he felt like he was on top of the world. Yusuke was leaning against him, not out of any sort of desolation or sadness, but instead out of a desire to be closer. They shared Ren's earbuds, each of them wearing one as they walked along the beautiful and pleasantly scented path for at _least_ the third time. Yusuke was fascinated by the shapes of the trees and the way the blossoms looked as they blew in the breeze. Now and then, Ren would feel a tug on his arm as Yusuke lifted his hands to frame the sight in his hands. Each time, it was met with a fond smile and a gentle nudge of Ren's hip.

The playlist Ren made for Yusuke, full of songs which told Yusuke exactly how much Ren loved him, played gently in the background. Ren was pretty sure he'd never felt so happy before.

Only one thing seemed to be tarnishing his happiness. Now and again, a strange feeling overcame Ren, almost like someone was watching them as they took their leisurely walk along the sakura path. It was almost random when it struck, but he couldn't shake it. It was easy to dismiss at first. While seeing a pair of men walking romantically together wasn't exactly the most _uncommon_ thing in Tokyo anymore, it wasn't the most _accepted_ thing, either. In the end, Ren couldn't have cared less. He loved Yusuke to the end of the world and back, and if anyone tried to tell them it was wrong for them to be in public together, they'd have a fight on their hands.

As they slowed to a stop, Ren gently tugged them toward a bench leaning against a giant, blooming sakura tree. The bench faced away from the path and out into a seemingly limitless sakura field. Soon, people would sit here to rest while they picked cherries. For now, though, it was a sufficiently private spot to stop and enjoy the scenery. They rested on the bench, and Yusuke framed the horizon with his fingers just like he had while they were walking. Ren laughed fondly at his boyfriend, sliding a little bit closer.

Yet again, Ren was overcome with the same strange feeling. He could feel eyes on him, but he had no idea where the gaze was coming from. Someone, somewhere, was staring at them, but Ren shook the concern off and easily dismissed it as jealous strangers. Who _wouldn't_ be jealous of Ren for walking around with Yusuke, after all? The thought made Ren smile as he regarded his boyfriend. Yusuke looked so happy. He was completely enraptured with the cherry blossoms in front of him, and sure, the blossoms were pretty. Ren's attention was more focused on Yusuke, though.

Yusuke _always_ looked beautiful, of course, but tonight he looked even more beautiful than usual. There was nothing really different about him, his hair was still tied back in the same haphazard ponytail and he looked just as happy as he always did, but something about him—something Ren couldn't quite identify—set tonight apart. Maybe it was the confidence on his face, the way he'd seemed so _sure_ when he'd told Ren he wanted to go on a date. Imagining him asking Ren, or anyone else for that matter, on a date when they first met seemed like a completely outlandish idea, but in such a short time, he'd come so far.

Ren had never been so proud of anyone in his life.

With a fond smile, Ren rested his hand gently on Yusuke's knee. "This was a great idea."

Though he hesitated at first, Yusuke finally broke his gaze from the horizon and turned to glance at Ren with a warm and loving smile. "I'm quite pleased as well. I never thought something so simple could be quite so romantic," he chuckled softly, placing one hand atop Ren's.

Ren laughed. "I'm pretty sure a broken down shack could be romantic as long as I was there with you, though," he pointed out.

In spite of the joking tone in Ren's voice, Yusuke's response seemed much more earnest. He nodded eagerly and sat a little straighter in his excitement. "It could be! Huddled together, sharing warmth with our bodies pressed close..." he trailed off, and Ren could tell by the look on his face where his mind was going.

A smirk crept across Ren's face and gently nudged Yusuke with his shoulder. "See? Though I can't deny how romantic _this_ idea was..."

Yusuke's focus turned back to the sakura blossoms, and as Ren pulled his hand from beneath Yusuke's, he watched with slight amusement as Yusuke went right back to framing the trees. With a gentle laugh, Ren temporarily plucked the earbud from his ear and maneuvered his body so he could lay across the bench. His head rested gently on Yusuke's thigh, and he smiled to himself as he slid the earbud back into his ear.

Once he was relaxed in Yusuke's lap, he focused his attention back on his boyfriend's face. Yusuke was looking out at the horizon still, his focus solely on his mission to frame the sakura blossoms, and Ren felt his breath catch in his throat. He stared up at Yusuke, who was bathed in the pink glow given off by the canopy of sakura blossoms overhead. The bright pink contrasted with the dark blue of his hair and cast him in a soft purple aura. It was the most beautiful thing Ren had ever seen. In the back of his mind, he wondered if Yusuke deemed himself worthy of painting. He looked like an angel.

Suddenly, Ren was completely lost in his thoughts of how perfect his boyfriend was. So lost, in fact, that he didn't even notice himself singing along to the music as it played through his headphones.

 _"There's no love like your love,"_ Ren sang, his focus completely on his boyfriend's purple-cast silhouette, _"And no other could give more love..."_

Yusuke's gaze turned down to glance at Ren and a smile crept across his face. _"There's nowhere, unless you're there. All the time, all the way..."_ he finished the line, extending his hand and carding it through Ren's hair lovingly.

Ren closed his eyes and leaned into Yusuke's touch slightly, then opened them again to smile lopsidedly at his boyfriend. "You sing, too?" he asked.

Nodding, Yusuke chuckled softly. "From time to time," he admitted, his tone a little dismal. "It kept me busy when I was feeling lonely at Madarame's house. I know my voice could use some work. You, on the other hand, have a lovely voice."

"Hey," Ren captured Yusuke's hand and pressed a kiss to his palm. "So do you."

They shared a smile again, before Ren tugged the earbud out and sat up again. He quickly put it back in and relaxed next to his boyfriend again, sitting close enough so they could share warmth. It wasn't a particularly _cold_ night, but he also didn't really need an excuse to be close to Yusuke anymore, so he didn't bother with one. As he settled in and got comfortable, though, he felt the same strange feeling all over again. Ren blinked and looked out into the sakura forest. This time, he _did_ see something... or at least he thought he did. In the distance, hiding among the sakura trees, Ren could have sworn he saw a lanky man with shaggy, dirty blond hair, watching them closely. A little _too_ closely to be coincidental.

Just as quickly as Ren saw the man, he blinked and the man was gone. He craned his neck to look around again, but when he couldn't find the man again, he shook his head hard and decided it was just his imagination.

"Ren?" Yusuke's voice pierced through his thoughts.

"Huh?" Ren snapped to attention and turned toward his boyfriend.

Yusuke's face twisted into concern. "Are you alright?" he asked.

Ren blinked and chuckled nervously, taking one last glance toward where he'd seen that weird guy watching them. There was still no one there, so Ren decided he must have been seeing things. He turned to look at Yusuke, nodded, and chuckled. "Yeah, yeah I'm good," he answered. "So, you sing too, huh?"

At first, Yusuke looked suspicious. He watched Ren's expression for a moment, before deciding to let the subject drop. "Yes. I wanted to involve myself in the choir in high school, actually," he told Ren, his expression falling for a moment. "Madarame refused, however, insisting that it would be a distraction from my art."

"I swear, I've never hated anyone as much as I hate that guy," Ren admitted with a solemn expression.

With a bitter laugh, Yusuke sighed softly. "I still sing, and I still love my art. In fact, I love my art more now than I ever have before," he told Ren, but his tone still didn't hide his bitterness.

Ren shrugged and took Yusuke's hand in his again. "Well, you should sing more often. You're amazing at it."

A warm smile replaced the bitterness on Yusuke's face, and he leaned over to press a kiss to Ren's cheek. He brushed Ren's bangs from his eyes and leaned their foreheads together for a brief moment. "Perhaps I will," he answered. "But only if you sing with me."

Oh. Ren's own good mood crumpled just slightly, and he used his free hand to rub the back of his neck nervously. "I mean... I don't mind, I guess. I just..." he paused and chuckled nervously. This whole conversation was the latch to a can of worms Ren wasn't sure Yusuke wanted to pry open.

"You have quite a beautiful voice, Ren," Yusuke insisted, pulling the latch open and prying the can open.

Ren couldn't help but frown. He used to think he had an okay voice, but in the back of his mind, he couldn't help but think of the time right after he failed out of college and right before he started hooking again. For a time, he'd allowed himself to be determined not to sell himself again. During that time, he tried busking on the Shibuya streets, and he thought back to exactly how hard and miserable it was to leave his spot with just enough money to get home. It took a toll on his confidence, and put a strain on his relationship with his music. He still sang, especially when a song took him, but it had never felt the same.

"I was in the choir for the first couple years of high school," Ren told Yusuke, "back when I lived on the countryside. I was a soloist both my freshman and sophomore year."

Yusuke smiled supportively, and he nodded eagerly along with what Ren was saying. "I can't say I'm surprised. Your voice is very smooth and gentle. It could probably put me to sleep on my worst night, or inspire me endlessly on my best," he admitted with a warm chuckle.

Ren shrugged pitifully. "Maybe," he mumbled. "I play guitar, too. Or, well... I used to. It's been a long time since I played guitar."

"Why?" Yusuke asked, gently smoothing his thumb along Ren's hand.

Again, Ren shrugged. "When I left for Tokyo, I had this dream, you know? That I'd make all this money playing guitar on the street, and someone would discover me... and then I'd embark on this whirlwind adventure touring around Japan and the rest of the world," he explained, his gaze focused squarely on the ground.

It was another layer of the story; something else he hadn't mentioned to Yusuke or anyone else in a really long time. The way Yusuke looked at him, intrigue lining his eyes while he waited for Ren to continue, was a combination of nice and nerve-wracking. Ren wasn't really used to having people hang on his every word like that. He puffed out a nervous laugh and rubbed the back of his neck again, before he continued.

"I actually... tried playing in Shibuya at once point, after I failed out of college," Ren confessed. "I'd sit out there with my guitar case open and play for tips. I enjoyed it... but I must have been the only one, because I never really got much for tips. Most nights, I was lucky to pull in 5,000 yen, but once in a while, I managed 10,000. It wasn't bad, but when I was trying to pay off my college debts, it just..." he trailed off.

Fortunately, Yusuke understood what he was trying to say. "It wasn't ideal," he finished.

Ren shook his head. "No. It was so bad at one point, that I couldn't afford to pay Sojiro rent and eat at the same time," he explained. "Sojiro kept telling me I didn't have to pay rent, but I wasn't... I _couldn't_ , you know? I couldn't justify it. He already did so much for me, so living in the attic of my workplace rent-free was just too much. I realized I failed again, and this time it was even worse because I'd failed at something I _wanted_ to do..."

Yusuke shook his head. "I don't think you failed, Ren," he insisted.

Of course, Yusuke wouldn't think he failed. Ren shook his head. "No, I did fail," he insisted. "I mean, even with steady income from a full-time job _and_ busking, I couldn't make enough money to pay my loans off and make rent... and that's _really_ how I fell back into my old job, and how I lost my passion for music, too."

Before Ren knew what was happening, a gentle hand reached out to touch his cheek and gently turned him to meet Yusuke's eye. "The way you were just singing, it didn't sound to me like you had lost your passion," he pointed out.

Ren was quiet. Whether or not he'd lost his passion didn't matter. Even after several years, the feeling of failure was still bitter. As much as Ren missed playing music and singing, he wasn't sure if he could get past the bitter feeling of knowing he wasn't good enough. He didn't answer Yusuke right away, mostly because he couldn't tell Yusuke he was wrong.

"You have a beautiful voice, Ren," Yusuke continued. "Busking in Shibuya is very risky. As I think back now, every time I passed through there, I saw dozens and dozens of musicians there every day. They competed for good ground, and the little bit of change passersby are willing to give each day."

With a nod, Ren shrugged. "Yeah. It was. We were always competing for spots, and I couldn't really take spots from the people who'd been there longer than me..."

Yusuke turned Ren's hand over in his and stretched Ren's fingers out. He glanced at Ren's fingertips, like he was trying to memorize the image. Ren followed Yusuke's gaze, and he glanced at the old calluses he'd developed from holding guitar picks of plucking the strings with his own fingers. A small smile curved across his face as he remembered the enjoyment he used to get when he wasn't playing in Shibuya. He remembered how much he used to love singing and playing for himself, and the sense of pride and accomplishment he always got when he learned a new song. At the moment, it felt bittersweet.

"You should try again," Yusuke encouraged him gently.

Ren arched an eyebrow and turned to glance at Yusuke. "Busking?" he asked in surprise.

"No," Yusuke started. "Well... yes. That as well. However, I was talking about simply playing your music. You have a marvelous voice, and I would love to hear you play guitar sometime."

The frown on Ren's face drew deeper. "But—"

Yusuke stopped him with a finger to his lips and a gentle smile. "But nothing," he insisted. "Yes, it is unfortunate, how you never got the recognition you deserved back then. All the same, a beautiful voice such as yours should be shared. You don't have to go back to Shibuya right away, Ren. However, you could, perhaps, play at home? It may be fun for you to play as I paint, and see how your music influences my art."

As much as Ren's instincts were pleading for him to say no, the look on Yusuke's face and the way he pleaded made it all the more difficult to refuse. His doubts still swirled around in his head and tempted him, but Yusuke's words and those warm, gentle assurances combined to chip away at the doubt. The final nail in the coffin was a deep-down desire not to disappoint his boyfriend. To be honest, Yusuke could have asked him for the moon and Ren would have done whatever he could to make it happen.

"Maybe it wouldn't kill me to try playing again," Ren finally agreed with a nervous laugh. "Just for you."

Yusuke's smile grew a little wider, but he wasn't content quite yet. "Will you at least open your mind to the possibility of playing for people again? I'm not expecting an overnight boost in confidence, Ren, but I truly think it's a shame to lose a talent like yours just because some people out there aren't intelligent enough to recognize it," he offered encouragingly.

As Ren met Yusuke's eyes, he laughed softly. "You seem so sure I'm talented, but you've never seen me play before," he mused.

Undaunted by Ren's uncertainty, Yusuke just nodded. "Yes," he answered, "because when you speak, it soothes the very deepest parts of my soul. Listening to you play music could soothe the masses in Shibuya the same way."

Ren smiled and leaned across the short distance separating them to kiss Yusuke softly. It was a gentle kiss, a tender and chaste expression of exactly how appreciative Ren was of his boyfriend's undying belief and support. Ren smoothed his thumb across Yusuke's cheek, then brushed some stray hairs from his eyes and pressed another gentle kiss to his lips. Instead of agreeing aloud—he didn't think he needed to, at this point, anyway—he tucked Yusuke's hair behind his ear and leaned their foreheads together.

"Get an apartment with me," Ren said instead.

It was a really quick topic change, and Ren realized it fully. However, it was something he'd been thinking about for weeks now. He loved Yusuke, and he loved the little life they had in the attic at Leblanc, but he also imagined how much better that life could be if they had their own apartment. With more space to put things, and Yusuke could actually have a proper room to use as a studio. Ren could have a proper kitchen, to cook them proper meals with their own food. They wouldn't need to use Sojiro's shower or the bathhouse to bathe. They could have a place that was just their own. Their own home, their own apartment, their own space.

Ren finally realized how quiet Yusuke had been. He raked his teeth over his lower lip, then dashed his tongue out to wet his lips and pulled in a heavy breath before going into damage control mode. Just as he was about to open his mouth to rescind the offer, Yusuke eagerly threw his arms around Ren's neck and kissed him again. This kiss was a little bit less chaste, but still nothing they needed to be embarrassed about in public. Yusuke's fingers tangled in Ren's hair, holding him in place as they kissed, and Ren's eyes fluttered closed. Before long, he completely lost himself to the sensation as usual.

They separated, breathless, and Ren laughed breathily. "Was that a yes?" he asked.

Yusuke laughed too, then nodded eagerly. "There is absolutely nothing on this earth I would love more than to get an apartment with you, Ren."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was far and away the sappiest thing I have ever written. Please don't hate me for the sap. XD
> 
> Thanks to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics) for being one of my very best friends and _the_ very best beta in the world. I don't think you guys understand how important her help has been to my writing process since we met. I really can't imagine writing fics without her helping me with them! ♥


	26. Keep the Darkness Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _how could you see all that i could be,_  
>  _when i stood there naked and torn._  
>  _you're the only one who never thought to run,_  
>  _though i filled you with poison and scorn._  
> [keep the darkness away](https://open.spotify.com/track/6kGZJGlNEEWGOdOTwcU1E7?si=lxTx8JjwSYOF5OUSrh2ZpQ) ;; joshua radin  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR131pBuZSA) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/joshuaradin/keepthedarknessaway.html) }

_In Yusuke's dream, he and Ren were back in the sakura garden. The garden was completely devoid of other people, and the trees were a vibrant purple instead of pink. The area around them, everywhere but where they stood, was black. Neither Yusuke nor Ren seemed fazed by their strange surroundings, as Ren pinned Yusuke against a tree and kissed him. Dream Yusuke didn't need to breathe, nor did dream Ren, so they kissed endlessly, only breaking contact long enough to change where their kisses landed._

_At first, Ren moved his lips to kiss Yusuke's neck. Then to nip his earlobe. Then to kiss a trail along his jaw and back to his lips, where their limitless breath once again allowed them to kiss for longer than usual._

_Yusuke's dream-self canted his hips forward, brushing them against Ren's, and he sighed at the feeling of Ren's length through his pants. They were alone. What was stopping them from getting a little bit crazy? The kiss broke, and the pair of them locked eyes. Yusuke's dream-self pressed their hips together again, and he watched Ren's expression change. First, he let his eyes flutter closed. Then, he let out a shuddering breath, the sound of which caused the blood to rush straight down to Yusuke's groin._

Though Yusuke was only half-aware… in reality, he was sparked to interest.

_Ren reached between them, hands flying for the buckle of Yusuke's belt. Ren made quick work of unfastening it, tugging it open along with the button and zipper to Yusuke's jeans. Dream Yusuke's hands moved with similar quickness, opening Ren's pants and tugging his boxer-briefs down to free his arousal from the constraints of the fabric. When they were both sufficiently disrobed, Yusuke with his pants hanging below his hips and Ren with his zipper open, Yusuke whirled around and rocked his hips backward this time… once, twice… then slowly and teasingly on the third._

Awareness sunk in when Yusuke felt the familiar heat of Ren's interest pressed against him, that he'd been rocking his hips backward in reality as well. A flush crept up to his cheeks as realization dawned on him, and he turned his head to apologize to his boyfriend.

Instead, when he turned, he was met with an agonizingly slow kiss. It was nothing like the fervent and hungry kisses they'd shared in his dream, and unlike in that dream, they had to break to breathe, but it was still better. It was better because it was real. Ren craned his neck to deepen the kiss and placed a hand on Yusuke's hip. Then, he arched his hips forward, rolling them against Yusuke's backside, and Yusuke could feel the outline of his boyfriend's arousal once more. He breathed a soft moan into their kiss, and when it broke, Yusuke met Ren's eyes with a soft and shy smirk.

"Good dreams?" Ren asked, before rocking his hips forward again.

Yusuke hummed in response, tilting his head upward when Ren leaned down to kiss his neck. "They pale in comparison to reality."

As Ren kissed Yusuke's neck, Yusuke reached down to place his hand on Ren's, applying slight pressure and encouraging his boyfriend to gently push Yusuke's pants down over his hips. While he did, Yusuke rolled his hips backward, gliding his bare backside over Ren's front and eliciting a soft gasp from Ren's lips. The vibrations against Yusuke's neck made him sigh shakily.

"Please, Ren," Yusuke begged. "I need you to…"

Ren laughed headily and placed lazy, open-mouthed kisses on Yusuke's pulse point. "I think I need me to, too," he murmured against Yusuke's flesh.

Gently, in tandem, they moved their hands back to the hem of Ren's pajama pants. Yusuke hooked his thumb beneath the elastic, purposely seeking out Ren's arousal and brushing slowly along the sensitive skin as they worked together to tug Ren's pants down. Ren's breath hitched, and he canted his hips slightly, pressing into Yusuke's touch. Yusuke managed a gentle laugh, but it was much breathier than he wanted it to be. Ren moved again and pulled Yusuke's back flush against his chest. Then, Ren took their twined hands and wrapped them around his interest.

Anticipation was quickly becoming too much to bear. Ren lined himself up, and Yusuke couldn't help but rock his hips backward, quickly burying half of Ren's length inside of him. They both cried out but kept their voices low. Ren muffled his in the back of Yusuke's neck, and Yusuke in the pillow.

"That was… unexpected," Ren murmured against his skin.

Yusuke wanted to answer, but his mind was already too hazy to find the words. He slowly rolled his hips again, taking Ren in a little bit deeper. Ren quickly responded by arching his own hips forward, burying himself completely, and Yusuke pulled in a sharp gasp. No matter how many times they'd done this over the past few weeks—and it had definitely been a few—the feeling of having Ren inside him, being so close and intimate with his boyfriend, never got old.

Their rhythm was slow as they moved their bodies together; a deliciously torturous climb toward a crescendo. They didn't have anywhere else to be. Both of them had the day off, and their appointment to look at the apartment wasn't for a few more hours, so neither of them were in a rush. That allowed Ren to take his time, moving in slow, deliberate motions. Just because it was slow, however, didn't mean that Yusuke's heart was. His heart was pounding, threatening to burst from his chest, and in place of Yusuke's every outward breath was a low and rumbling moan. After a few thrusts, Yusuke felt Ren moving, wrapping both of their joined hands around Yusuke's own arousal.

As their hips rocked together, Ren matched the rhythm with their hands, and it wasn't long before Yusuke was a panting, gasping mess. He could hear Ren behind him, similarly lost in the moment, and it only served to nudge him ever closer to the edge.

"You feel so good, Yusuke," Ren murmured against his neck, his voice thick. "Love you so much."

All Yusuke could do was let out a sharp cry, barely muffled by the pillow. He wanted to reaffirm his love as well, but his brain couldn't find the words. All he _could_ find was the thick cloud of bliss Ren had shrouded his mind and body in. It was impossible to be quiet, even though he could hear movement on the ground floor in the shop. He only hoped Sojiro hadn't heard anything. He wanted to tell Ren how good _he_ felt, how _amazing_ he felt and how he made Yusuke's whole body feel like it was on fire. He couldn't, though. He couldn't find the words, but he hoped the noises he made proved to Ren exactly how much he was loving this.

Before long, any chance of Yusuke _finding_ those words completely vanished. He could tell Ren was reaching his own climax as well, because his movements were a little less languid, growing sharper with each thrust of his hips.

Their hands matched the rhythm, and it was too much. Yusuke was already falling apart, breathing heavy against the pillow, but the first brush against his prostate ravaged his body with white-hot blasts of ecstasy. After the second, then the third brush, starbursts appeared behind his eyes, heat rushed through his entire body, and Yusuke came with a desperate cry of Ren's name. Fortunately, Ren's lips silenced any further noises he might have made.

A few seconds later, he felt Ren reach his own climax, his body tensing and relaxing erratically against Yusuke's back as he rode the waves. His breath was hot and heavy against Yusuke's neck, and Yusuke had to be careful, or else the feeling would tease him back into interest again. Even so, Yusuke kissed him the whole time, easing both of them down from the high. Their lips finally broke, breath coming out in winded puffs as they tried to collect themselves, and Yusuke finally took the chance to reaffirm his love.

"I love you, Ren," Yusuke mumbled over his shoulder, leaning his back into Ren again and letting his body relax. "I still find it hard to believe that I got so lucky, that you love me."

For a moment, Ren was silent as he twisted just slightly to gather the box of tissues from the side of the bed. Yusuke wouldn't have minded, but his back was suddenly cold from the lack of his boyfriend's presence. Just as quickly as he disappeared, Ren was snuggled back into him, somehow closer than before. The safety and comfort Yusuke felt as Ren cleaned them off before relaxing against Yusuke's back again, was unlike anything he'd felt before. If there had ever been any doubt about how much Yusuke loved Ren, it was gone now.

Ren buried his face in Yusuke's hair. "Love you, too," he replied. "And I'm never going anywhere."

Maybe it would have made more sense to wake up and get some painting done before they went to look at their new apartment, but with Ren's arms around him, he couldn't think of anywhere else he wanted to be. Breathing a happy sigh and letting his eyes flutter closed, Yusuke allowed himself to fall back into a calm and restful sleep.

They slept in for another two hours and Yusuke awoke feeling like he was on top of the world. When they woke up, they made quick work of dressing and headed out through Leblanc. The look Sojiro gave them as they passed through, suggested that they _hadn't_ been as quiet as they hoped. Luckily, Sojiro confirmed that Leblanc was otherwise empty at the time. Of course, that didn't really quell Yusuke's embarrassment, but he felt a little better, knowing only _Sojiro_ had heard them, and not any random people. In spite of the lingering feeling of embarrassment, Yusuke couldn't help but smile to himself.

They had just enough time to make a quick trip to Sojiro's to shower—for the last time, hopefully—and head to the apartment to meet with the landlord. The meeting was quite pleasant. The landlord was a middle-aged woman, who seemed to think Ren and Yusuke were the perfect portrait of a young couple. Truth be told, Yusuke wasn't sure how she'd picked up on it. They'd been subtle about it; as hard as it was, they hadn't held hands or touched one another while she'd guided them up the stairs and to their floor. Still, as she showed them around and they commented on what spots would be good for their hobbies, she seemed to smile more and more, before eventually pointing out how cute she thought they were together.

As it turned out, the apartment was more than affordable for the two of them. Combining their income would mean that Ren even had more money for himself at the end of the week. Maybe, with Yusuke's encouragement, he could even go back to busking again and patiently wait for his ship to arrive. It would arrive. Ren was far too talented for it not to.

By the end of their tour, everyone involved was ready to sign the papers. The only thing keeping them from their comfortable new apartment were a few last minute repairs the landlord needed to do, for it to be fit to live in. One week. They could start moving in a week.

It most likely would have made sense to inform their friends right away, and to request assistance with moving their things, once they bought more furniture to move, anyway. For now, though, Yusuke and Ren both wanted to ride the good mood as long as it would take them. The whole day, morning to late afternoon, had been so wonderful… Yusuke had to hope Ren was feeling it, too. As they walked back to Leblanc, hand in hand, and Yusuke turned to Ren with a smile.

"I have an idea, if you'll indulge me," he declared.

Ren looked at him, smiling soft and warm. "Sure. What's the idea?"

While squeezing Ren's hand, in a gentle, encouraging tone, Yusuke suggested, "Why don't we go to Shibuya? I'll bring an easel and a canvas, you bring your guitar, and we can set up together? You could try—"

"Busking?" Ren asked, the smile on his face wilting just a little.

Yusuke nodded. "Yes," he insisted. "I know you said you don't want to try again for a while, Ren, but… what if we don't _call_ it busking? What if we just… go to a typical busking spot and work side by side? You practice a song or two, I work on one of my own paintings. If people see fit to give you money, then that's excellent. If they don't?"

Ren's voice was a little more subdued when he answered. "Then… that's okay too," he agreed. "Because it's not what we're there for…"

Nodding emphatically, Yusuke squeezed his hand again. "Exactly! We're there for us, to work on our art together. I can't think of anything better than that, can you?"

There was still some hesitation in Ren's face, Yusuke could tell. It made sense. This doubt had lingered in his mind for several years, ever since the feeling of failure took hold. However, if anyone in the world deserved to do what they enjoyed, if anyone in the world _truly_ deserved happiness, it was Ren. Yusuke brushed his thumb over Ren's knuckle, calling his attention quietly.

"Maybe, if the mood strikes me, if you play one of the songs on our playlist, I'll join you as I paint."

Ren chuckled softly, leaning over to brush his lips across Yusuke's cheek. "Well… I guess I can't say no to an offer like that," he mused.

The happiness Yusuke was feeling almost felt like a tangible, living being inside his chest. It felt like it was pulsating, throwing out waves which crashed from him to Ren, bringing the happiest look Yusuke had ever seen to his boyfriend's face. Ren looked _hopeful_ , and even though Yusuke would never credit himself for Ren's happiness, he had to hope that at least _some_ of it was because of them, because Yusuke had helped Ren in the same way Ren had helped Yusuke.

As they gathered their equipment from Leblanc's attic, they devolved into a conversation about how they planned to decorate their new apartment. Most of it was Yusuke throwing ideas out and Ren happily agreeing with all of them. They decided they would go furniture shopping the next day, once Yusuke got out of work and once Sojiro took over the shop to close it. Yusuke wanted the decor to represent both of them. Ren was a bright and vibrant red, warm and burning and passionate. Yusuke, Ren said, was a calming and soft blue—"and not just because of your hair. Because you make the world stop spinning so hard around me and let me focus on what's important," Ren had said—and as they rode the train, Yusuke's mind reeled with ways to combine the two.

Yusuke could see the nerves on Ren's face, and he shifted his art supply case to his other arm, sliding his hand into Ren's. "It's okay," he reassured his boyfriend. "Remember? This is just us, doing what we would normally do in private. If people see fit to recognize you for your irrefutable, undeniable talents, then that is simply the icing on the cake."

"Right." Ren relaxed a little, though his voice was still a little tense.

Ren's anxiety only continued as they set up, and as much as Yusuke wanted to insist that it was okay, he had a feeling it was one of those things only time would prove. Once they started, Ren would fall into his comfort zone, and he would quickly realize there was nothing to worry about.

A strange feeling overcame Yusuke as he set his easel out and reached into his canvas bag for a blank canvas. It felt almost as though someone was _already_ watching them. In the back of Yusuke's mind, he remembered Ren saying how competitive it was out here. Ren had mentioned how people would fight over good performance spots, and how he never involved himself in those fights. A part of Yusuke hoped they wouldn't get into an argument with anyone. He looked around the area, spying several other performers going about their business. However, he could still feel eyes on them.

Yusuke cast a cursory glance at Ren, who was sitting cross-legged on the blanket they'd brought with them, tuning his guitar, seemingly oblivious to the strangeness Yusuke was feeling. Clamping down on his lower lip, Yusuke looked around again. From the corner of his eye, he spotted a strange young man with long, light brown hair, staring at them. He didn't look too much older than Ren and Yusuke, but he was definitely looking right at them, for some reason. He regarded Yusuke and Ren very closely, and a part of Yusuke wondered if maybe _he_ was a performer as well. Maybe he'd been planning on using this spot?

Perhaps Yusuke should have cared, and to some degree, he did feel a little bit guilty. Not guilty enough to interrupt the chord progressions Ren was playing to warm up, though. It had taken a lot of encouragement to convince his boyfriend to come out here. If this stranger thought he had some entitlement to the spot, he could politely take it up with them, rather than glaring from several yards away.

With furrowed brows, Yusuke turned to look back at the stranger, only to find that he wasn't there anymore. Maybe he'd been imagining things? Maybe his mind was so concerned about Ren's anxiety that he projected his own worries outward. He cast one last glance around them, just to be absolutely sure, and when he didn't see anyone, he forced himself to relax and finished setting up. As soon as he finished, he turned to glance at Ren, who was still doing chord progressions and warming his voice up.

Something about that sight, Yusuke decided, was perfect. The anxiety was still rife in his expression, but much of it had diminished, and in its place was a sense of calm. There was a passion in his eyes, which people always told Yusuke he had when he painted. It was similar to the passion Yusuke saw when they kissed or made love, but it was also very different. Instead of the fiery, red passion between them, this passion was softer. Warmer. His fingers skillfully plucked at the strings of his beat-up guitar, and his voice echoed out around them, surrounding Yusuke's being like a pleasant cloud of smoke. Ren was normally beautiful, but like this, he was somehow _more_ beautiful.

Suddenly, Yusuke was stricken with an idea.

Ren told Yusuke that he'd bought the old guitar in his hands with his last bit of money at the second-hand shop in Yongen-Jaya, and it was definitely a nice guitar. It sounded lovely, though it was dented in some spots and scratched in some others. Seeing the passion on his beloved's face as he plucked the strings and sang, however, made Yusuke think he deserved a guitar matching his skill. Something carved from cherrywood or mahogany. Something new. Something belonging solely to him, which he could make his own.

Something, perhaps, with an inscription from Yusuke on the back. As Yusuke stared at his beloved, studying his face and his posture as he sang, he decided it was necessary. Ren both needed and deserved it.

A sly smile crept across Yusuke's face as he picked his charcoals up and immediately set to work drawing a sketch of Ren to color or paint while they were here. He didn't know _too_ much about guitars, but after he finished Makoto's sister's painting, he would have more money in his pocket. As Ren seamlessly segued from warm-ups into a song, Yusuke came to the final decision to buy Ren a guitar. Perhaps, if somehow this adventure didn't make him realize exactly how truly talented he was, that would do the trick.

 _"How could you see all that I could be when I stood there naked and torn? You're the only one that never thought to run, though I flood you with poison and scorn…"_ Ren's smooth, dulcet, baritone voice rang out around them, and he cast a glance in Yusuke's direction. _"Don't know why you stay, but you keep the darkness away."_

Mere seconds later, to a complete lack of surprise from Yusuke, a few strangers stopped several feet away to watch as Ren sang. Two middle-aged women in business suits holding hands stopped, as did a pair of parents with their two young children, and an elderly man. The parents were the first to step forward, and Yusuke glanced away from his painting for a moment to watch as the father put a tip of 1000 yen into Ren's guitar case. The old man followed, putting 500 yen in. Pride swelled up in Yusuke's chest, and he flashed the old man a grateful smile as he walked away.

The women stayed a little longer, and Yusuke watched warily for a second as they whispered to one another. The wariness faded, however, when he noticed the happy smiles they shared. They stepped forward together, not letting go of one another's hands, and Yusuke watched as one of them placed a 10,000 yen tip into Ren's guitar case. Yusuke's eyes shot open, and a smile spread across his face. He was going to cast them a grateful smile, but before he got a chance, they approached him and one of them placed a hand on Yusuke's shoulder.

"Tell your boyfriend he has a beautiful voice," one of them said.

The other woman smiled and nodded. "And that you're an adorable couple."

Heat rushed to Yusuke's cheeks, and he nodded once. "Thank you," he murmured under his breath.

As the women stepped back and continued to watch Ren play for a few more seconds before hurrying to their next train, Yusuke cast his boyfriend a loving glance. If he hadn't already been sure, that would have solidified it. Ren should have been playing music professionally, and Yusuke would do whatever he could to ensure he had the chance to do exactly that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, hi, sorry this chapter is late! I was doing adulting stuff this morning and this afternoon I just forgot. XD
> 
> Thanks, as always, to the wonderful and amazing [Nada]() for being a pillar during this dumb stupid annoying writer's block. Writer's block is the legit worst thing, friends, but having a buddy who supports you makes it suck a little less.


	27. Everlong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _breathe out so i can breathe you in, hold you in..._  
>  _and how i know you've always been_  
>  _out of your head, out of my head i sang..._  
> [everlong](https://open.spotify.com/track/5UWwZ5lm5PKu6eKsHAGxOk?si=FxhyHN4oQUKnuaCPyEadAg) ;; the foo fighters  
> [ [youtube link](https://youtu.be/eBG7P-K-r1Y) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/foofighters/everlong.html) }

For busking to actually bring Ren success was _wild_. All this time, he'd convinced himself it was impossible; it was a dream he had to let go of. After one evening spent busking with Yusuke, where he made more money than he had cumulatively the whole time he'd tried doing it solo, his confidence was through the roof. That one evening with Yusuke, he'd made 40,000 yen total. That was even more than one normal night in Shinjuku and it all but proved to Ren how little he _needed_ Shinjuku anymore.

Of course, he'd go back once in a while to visit Chihaya. His friend was thrilled for him, though. She told him how glad she was to hear how happy he was, and Ren decided to indulge her, and tell her that she'd been right all along. Now she knew for sure that he'd never been happy there, how their friendship was the bright spot in a dismal situation, and how he'd always be grateful to everything she did for him. When Chihaya confirmed that she knew, reminding him that she _wasn't_ stupid, she told him she was glad he was happy, and she was glad he'd found someone like Yusuke.

Naturally, she also asked if Yusuke had any 'cute artist friends,' but Ren rebuffed her without getting into too much detail. Eventually, he invited her to visit him at home. It would have been unprecedented before. Ren never would have entertained inviting someone from his Shinjuku life into his Yongen-Jaya life. Now that he'd given up his night job, though, he was a little less afraid. Especially now that he had his new apartment. The housewarming was going to be as big an event as Ren usually had, all of his friends together under one roof, celebrating something _huge_.

 _As long as you can be discreet,_ Ren texted Chihaya as he stepped off the train in Shibuya, adjusting the shoulder strap on his guitar case.

Ren could almost see the amusement on Chihaya's face as he watched the dots on the screen, signifying that she was replying. _I kept your secret for all these years, Ren. You don't think I can do it for one night?_

With a laugh, Ren responded, _Fair._ It was true. Before Yusuke, Chihaya had been the only person who really knew him and his whole story. All that time, no one found out the truth. He should have known better than to question her. After a pause, he started typing out a second message. _You should come to Shibuya sometime. Come see me play. I won't even expect you to tip._

 _Yeah! Maybe invite me on a night when your boyfriend's there with you so I can see his art!_ Chihaya suggested in return.

Ren chuckled softly. _You got it, C. Gonna go, gotta get set up for tonight, but I'll text you tomorrow to give you the time for the housewarming party,_ he told her, before sliding his phone into his pocket.

As he arrived at the spot he and Yusuke were at the other night, Ren looked around. It was a slow night. Not a lot of people out and about busking. Truth be told, he couldn't decide if that was good or bad, but he'd chosen the time just before rush hour to come out. Maximizing the number of people who saw him was the best way to maximize his tips. He only had a few hours tonight, though. After he finished, he had to go home to Leblanc to help Yusuke pack up the last of their things so they could start the move tomorrow. In the very beginning, their apartment was going to be barren.

They had plans to go furniture shopping with some of Yusuke's commission money, plus some of the last bit of money Madarame had paid Ren on those first two times they'd met. It wouldn't buy them the _best_ furniture out there, but it was something, until they could collectively save the money to get more. Between Yusuke's commissions, and Ren's newfound confidence in his music... it wouldn't take long.

Happiness—at least this level of happiness—was such a new and strange feeling to Ren. It felt almost like he was invincible, like nothing in the world could drag him down. He unfolded his blanket and set it down on the asphalt, before pulling his dented old guitar out of the case. Back when he used to come out here every day, he always told himself he was saving up to buy a new guitar. Maybe something made of cherrywood, something black with red trim. Or maybe red with black trim. As much as he wished he could afford it now, he knew he couldn't. Between the new apartment and the need for furniture, he had to save his pennies.

Now, though, it felt like it was a little closer than it had ever been.

The thought had him smiling as he sat butterflied on the blanket and rested his guitar in his lap. It was getting harder and harder to tune the old guitar, and it took more and more time every day, but Ren honestly couldn't find it in him to complain. He finally found the right tune, before slowly starting to warm up. Chord progressions were easy, as were the vocal warm-ups he'd been taught as a kid.

Ren felt something different in his voice now, though. It wasn't the tone or the pitch, though those were really different from when he was a teenager, too. It wasn't the vocal warmups themselves, either. Those were still the same, if a couple of octaves lower thanks to puberty deepening his voice. No, if Ren had to pinpoint what was so different... it was him. He _sounded_ happy. When he was a kid, he'd sounded partially happy, but it was nothing like this. He sounded genuinely happy, and it changed everything else about his voice at the same time. It made him sound better.

When he managed a 500 yen tip just for practicing chord progressions, he realized that other people were noticing it, too.

Maybe that was the difference. Maybe _that_ was why he was getting tips now and he never had back then. No one liked to hear a sad song about how lonely and miserable someone was. Or maybe they did, but a sad song tended to blend into the chorale of other sad songs played by other sad musicians all along the Shibuya streets. Ren stood out now because he sounded _happy_. Because he _was_ happy.

Because he had Yusuke.

A bigger smile came to his face as he seamlessly transitioned from a chord progression into a song. _"Come now, I've waited here for you, everlong..."_ he sang, closing his eyes as the words passed through his lips and thoughts of Yusuke entered his mind. _"Tonight, I throw myself into and out of the red. Out of your head, you sang..."_

Ren closed his eyes, getting lost in the music and thoughts of his boyfriend all over again. _"And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever..."_ As Ren opened his eyes and glanced at the crowd, he couldn't help but notice that a few people had already stopped. Most smiled, and some even tapped their toes and mouthed along to the words. Perks to singing songs people already knew, he supposed. _"If anything could ever feel this good again. The only thing I'll ever ask of you: you gotta promise not to stop when I say when."_

A couple more people stepped forward, dropping tips into his guitar case. Ren saw another 500 yen bill, and a 2000 yen bill from the corner of his eye. All it took, the only difference between sympathy tips and actual enjoyment tips, was happiness. He still couldn't believe it was quite so simple. Ren smiled even wider, nodding his gratitude at the two tippers, then closed his eyes and spun into the second verse.

By the time he finished the first song, Ren opened his eyes and looked down at his guitar case. There was definitely more there than there had been before, and he couldn't believe it. One song, just _one_ , and he made so much more than he ever had before. He glanced up, watching as the first group of people dissipated, then prepared to turn back and pick another song. Before he could turn back, though, something caught his attention from the corner of his eye. It was a flash so brief that he probably would have missed it otherwise, but the brief glimpse he _had_ gotten was a little surprising.

For a second, Ren thought maybe he saw the same shaggy, light brown-haired man he'd seen at the sakura garden with Yusuke a few nights ago. It was odd. Every time he was in public lately, Ren could _swear_ he'd seen that very same man. It was always a brief glimpse, and it was usually like he was _staring_ at Ren. This time, he hadn't been staring. This time, he'd just been rushing away from the train station, and the only reason Ren recognized his face at all was due to a quick glimpse.

The brevity of the encounter allowed Ren to brush it off as nothing, as just another chance encounter. With the realization that he'd been sitting here doing nothing the whole time his mind was reeling, he chuckled awkwardly and turned back to his guitar, playing a practice chord before focusing all over again and starting to play another song on his 'Yusuke list.'

 _"'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars,"_ he sang, _"I'm gonna give you my heart."_

A group of teenage girls stopped in front of him and Ren felt a little awkward at the way they swooned. It was funny. None of them even realized that Ren was _actually_ singing about the man he loved. It was his own little secret, which sort of spurred his good mood higher and allowed him to get into his performance more. He closed his eyes again, bobbing his head to the rhythm of the song and singing louder as thoughts of Yusuke swirled around in his mind again. Yusuke's smile, Yusuke's eyes, Yusuke's hair and the way Ren felt when they kissed or touched or when Yusuke so much as smiled at him. _"'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars, 'cause you light up the path."_

_"I don't care, go on and tear me apart, I don't care if you do. 'Cause in a sky, in a sky full of stars, I think I saw you..."_

When Ren finally opened his eyes, he noticed that the crowd seemed to have thickened a little. This felt so much better than he could have imagined, and suddenly, he couldn't wait to tell Yusuke about it. Several people walked by without tipping, but still enjoyed his music. However, a few of them did tip, anywhere between 500 and 1000 yen again. Small tips like that added up, and Ren honestly couldn't find it in his heart to be upset this time, even if he didn't make as much as he had the night he came here with Yusuke. He was happy. He was really, really happy, and that was all that mattered.

Through the happiness crept a small pit of anxiety, however, when that same shaggy-haired man passed by, and stopped among the dwindling crowd in front of Ren. He stood in the back, behind the still-swooning group of teenage girls, and stood with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at Ren with no reaction to the music. Strange, but Ren wasn't going to let it pull him down. He felt good, and he knew that not everyone in the massive city of Tokyo was into the brand of music he was playing. It was too soft for some, or even too intense for others. Maybe this guy fell into one of those categories.

Fortunately, he managed to keep the same tempo and mood throughout the rest of the song, despite the blank look on the shaggy-haired man's face. There was a hiccup at the end, where he rushed a chord a bit because he saw the man move, but he was only moving to leave. As soon as Ren noticed that, he allowed himself to ease back into relaxation and close out the song on a high note.

The teenage girls were still in place, like they were waiting to hear what he sang next. All five of them fished through their purses, looking for some kind of tip to leave. Ren chuckled to himself, and was about to tell them not to worry about it, but he was cut off by a flood of about ten 500 yen coins falling into his guitar case from one of the girls' hands. She smiled at him and then rushed back to her friends, giggling, before the group of them wandered away and cast glances in Ren's direction over their shoulders. Ren shook his head and laughed, before starting to play his next song.

 _"The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful, stop me and steal my breath..."_ Ren sang, once again letting his mind wander back to his boyfriend. He really couldn't wait to get back home and be with Yusuke again. Even something as mundane as packing the Leblanc attic to move into their own apartment was exciting, and Ren still wasn't convinced he deserved it. _"And emeralds from mountains that thrust towards the sky, never revealing their depth."_

As Ren sang, he got lost again. Not in the music, but in his own thoughts. While the words escaped his lips, about how he'd, _"dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead,"_ he compared how he felt now, to how he'd felt then.

The conclusion he came to was: he never wanted to go back to life without Yusuke Kitagawa.

When the song started slowing, Ren opened his eyes with his head turned down, looking at his fingers as he strummed. Tonight, before they packed, Ren needed to make a point to tell Yusuke exactly how in love he was. It wasn't new information, not really. Ren had told Yusuke 'I love you' several times that day alone. Still, sometimes, he wondered if Yusuke realized exactly how much Ren loved him, how much he'd _saved_ Ren. Everything Ren was doing now, every ounce of confidence and every ounce of _happiness_ was all because of Yusuke. Maybe tonight was the night. Maybe tonight, he'd give Yusuke the sketchbook he bought with Ann.

Ren smiled and lifted his head to scan the crowd, but when he did, he froze suddenly. There were a few people there, and most of them had been there since he started playing. However, standing in the middle of the small crowd, looking just as taciturn as he'd looked before, was the same light brown-haired man. He was in the front, in the very center, and Ren suddenly felt a lot more anxious.

Maybe, he decided, he should cut this session short. No, he hadn't made as much money as he wanted to, but what he had in his guitar case was more than he expected to make in such a short amount of time. Ren glanced down at his guitar, then back up at the crowd. There was probably still another hour until Yusuke got home, but that gave Ren a chance to start packing before he had to go pick his boyfriend up from work.

Plus, whoever this guy was, he was making Ren really uncomfortable.

"Sorry, everyone. That's it for the day," Ren told them with a little chuckle. "But this won't be the last you see of me! If you like what you heard, stop by and listen, and if you left a tip, thank you!"

The people who'd been crowded around applauded briefly, before slowly starting to dissipate. As Ren put his guitar away and folded his blanket, he allowed himself to hope that maybe the creepy guy would be gone when he turned around, too. Over his time in Shinjuku, he'd seen people like that countless times, and their presence never meant anything good. He was dressed nicely, like he came from money or something, and combining that with his intense stare, it struck every single wrong chord it possibly could in Ren's mind. Alarm bells were ringing, and he worked even faster to put his guitar away. With everything squared away, Ren turned back around to head toward the train, but when he turned... the guy was still standing there.

Ren bowed his head in a brief greeting, before hurrying toward the nearby staircase to get to the train platform. Anything to get himself out of this guy's presence faster. Unease quickly turned to flat-out worry when Ren noticed in an advertisement reflection that the guy was _following_ him.

Subconsciously, Ren moved faster. He skipped steps, speed-walked when he made it down to the ground floor, and glanced in a nearby stall window to see that he was _still_ being followed. Not only was he still being followed, but in order to get to his train, he had to pass through an otherwise empty spot in the station. Maybe if he ran, or just jogged, he could get back into the crowd before the guy had a chance to catch up. Ren subconsciously clutched his guitar case tighter, preparing to break into a jog, when a couple of people dashed in front of him, talking and laughing loudly like Ren hadn't nearly run them over.

The near-collision forced him to stop, and a glance over his shoulder showed the guy gaining on him, skillfully weaving through groups of people like he did it for a living. Ren's instinct told him to halt his escape, and just stay in crowds or find a security guard, but before he could make a move toward the nearest guard, he felt a harsh grip on his elbow. The grip tugged him backward and Ren could tell the guy was right behind him.

"Stay calm, and this doesn't have to go bad," the guy threatened, before pushing Ren toward the empty part of the train station.

Ren tugged against the grip and grunted. "It's already gonna go bad for you as soon as I get to a guard," he seethed, thrusting his elbow backward and coming into contact with the guy's chest.

The guy laughed, a sickeningly pleasant laugh which sounded almost _joyous_ as he twisted Ren's arm in his grasp. "I was told to expect resistance. Guess the old man's more astute than I gave him credit for."

Ren blinked. The old man. The first person to come to mind was Madarame, and the thought made Ren's hackles instantly rise. In quiet moments, Ren remembered Yusuke saying how he worried Madarame would seek vengeance for Yusuke's escape, but also promising Ren that no matter what Madarame tried, he wouldn't leave. Of course, Ren had never really expected Madarame's attempts to extend to _him_ , but maybe he should have. It was probably better that way, anyway. Ren could take a lot more heat than Yusuke could, and he had way more experience dealing with guys like this one.

As if to prove his point, Ren yanked against the contact again, only to have his arm twisted even harder. "I warned you," the guy chided. "This doesn't have to be difficult. Not unless you make it that way."

They rounded a corner, and the guy shoved Ren into a shady alcove, where the harsh contact of asphalt broke his fall. His grip on his guitar case broke, and it went further into the alcove. Ren's shoulder popped uncomfortably when he hit the ground, and his elbow smacked hard against the cement. It would probably bruise. It didn't stop him from trying to get up and fight back. "Go to hell! I don't know what you want with me, but if you think I can't fight back..."

Sighing dramatically, almost like he was bored, the light brown-haired man took a large stride to close the space between himself and Ren. "What good would a whore be if they didn't know how to defend themselves somehow, right?" he asked, before he placed the toe of his shoe on Ren's shoulder and kicked him onto his back. When Ren fell flat on his back, the man stepped on Ren's collarbone, grinding his heel into Ren's pectoral muscle to hold him in place.

Ren hissed sharply, unable to move either of his arms. One because the elbow ached from being twisted and the shoulder hurt from its impact with the ground, and the other because this guy was holding him in place. He tried, but the resistance of the foot on his collarbone kept him from being able to reach too far. Ren grunted, and though his instinct told him to fight against the pin and try to throw the guy off, he knew the pin wouldn't let it happen. The man had pressure on his side, plus weight, and at this point, as much as Ren _wanted_ to escape, pain and disadvantage kept him at the stranger's mercy.

"I don't know what you want from me," Ren snapped through gritted teeth, "but you're not gonna get it."

The man laughed, before reaching down to haul Ren up by the collar of his t-shirt. The feeling of knuckles brushing against Ren's collarbone was _incredibly_ painful, and Ren had to breathe in sharply through his gritted teeth to keep from crying. It was going to bruise, there was no question. Maybe even down to the bone. Once Ren was up on his feet, the guy pushed him back into the wall and stepped forward, pinning him in place with his forearm pressed firmly against Ren's already-aching collarbone. The pain almost made Ren cry out—either for help or in general, to try to get someone's attention—but before he could speak, the man pressed his free hand over Ren's mouth.

With that same sickly sweet smile, the man said, "Like I told you before: stay calm and this doesn't have to go bad."

Stay calm? Ren was expected to _stay calm_ when this looked like _every scene from his nightmares_ when he worked in Shinjuku? No. He struggled, whimpering into the man's hand at the sharp pain in his collarbone as he did, and lifted his leg to kick pathetically at anything within reach. When the man lifted his hand from Ren's mouth and reached down into Ren's pants pocket, only _one thought_ sprang to Ren's mind, and it was the worst-case scenario. Instinct took over, and Ren did the only thing he could think to do, quickly collecting saliva in his mouth and spitting in his attacker's face.

"Don't fucking touch me!" Ren snapped.

At that, the man recoiled and dropped Ren to his feet. Ren _immediately_ collected himself, hauling back and punching the stranger as hard as he possibly could in the face. While the stranger was still reeling, Ren hurried to get his guitar case and make his way back toward the crowd.

Unfortunately, his attacker recovered quickly and shoved Ren back down to the ground. He put the same pressure on Ren's collarbone, then ground his toe into the bruised flesh enough to completely derail Ren's brain from anything but the pain. "Don't flatter yourself," he seethed, before reaching right for Ren's pocket and tugging his wallet out. "As if I would need a whore."

"I'm not a—"

The guy cut Ren's protest off with a sharp scoff, and waved his hand dismissively in Ren's face. He opened Ren's wallet, as Ren writhed in pain and attempted to escape. "Save it. Once a whore, always a whore. Isn't that how these things always go? You're just lucky I was told not to hurt you _too_ bad this time, or this little spit and punch thing you tried to do here would end you up in either the hospital or the morgue." Even though his tone was still dripping with that faux-pleasantness, there was a new rumble there, which told Ren that he was very much not kidding.

Before Ren could reply, his attacker pulled something from his wallet and closed it, before throwing it down to the asphalt next to Ren. "Madarame wants you to deliver a message to Kitagawa. Tell him to come home, or else consequences will be dire next time," he commanded, before pocketing what he'd taken from Ren's wallet, giving Ren a derisive look, and walking out of the alcove without looking back.

Ren tried to pull himself together, though the pain spread from his collarbone to his shoulder and down from his arm to his elbow. He sat up slowly, hissing in pain at the movement, and picked his wallet up, opening it as quickly as he could to see what the guy took. His money was still there, and so were all his credit and debit cards. All his pictures were there, as were all the little notes and random things he kept over the years. The only thing missing was... his ID card? Ren furrowed his brows, grunting in pain as he folded his wallet closed and raised his head to look for where the guy went. He was already gone and he had Ren's ID card for some reason.

Madarame wanted Ren to tell Yusuke to "go home." Well... if he expected Ren to _obey_ that command, he had another thing coming. There was no way in hell Ren was going to let Madarame push Yusuke back under his thumb after he'd _just_ gotten free. Through no shortage of pain, Ren pushed himself back to his feet and gathered his guitar case from the ground. He had to get home, and fast. He had to make sure Yusuke was okay... he had to make sure Yusuke was _still there_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the other shoe finally dropped. We were all expecting it, but that doesn't make it any less depressing! Now the question is: what will Yusuke's response be?
> 
> Thanks, as ever, to the incomparable [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics) for betaing this, for making sure I didn't go too intense with the drama, and for keeping me from hating on myself too much for taking this long, long, _too_ long writing break.
> 
> That said, the break is still happening, sadly. It went from a vacation for two weeks while I had real-life stuff going on, to a sort of... mental health recovery break. I have one more chapter of Hypnotized prewritten, so next week's will be the last one posted on a schedule. After that, I will still be writing it! It'll just be a lot more sporadic while I work on other things. I hope you understand! I just need to look at other projects for a while. ♥


	28. Peace Sign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _when it's all a blur,_  
>  _you are the hard line._  
>  _and in the disorder,_  
>  _you are the peace sign._  
> [peace sign](https://open.spotify.com/track/0RRjcRhiRI9gGamR034eo1?si=7Y1u4sPVQj2BtrA1CQl8Sg) ;; lights ft cœur de pirate  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv6kLh8oyMY) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/lights/peacesignacoustic.html) }

Ren was late, which, to Yusuke, was a surefire sign of something amiss. To this point, the only time Ren didn't show up at the store to pick Yusuke up was when _he_ was working. Yusuke knew full well that Sojiro had given Ren the night off. They had plans to start packing up the attic for their impending move, and Yusuke knew how high Ren's excitement level was for them to have their own place. However, Yusuke also knew Ren was busking. Yusuke knew, and he was proud, so he allowed himself to pass the worry off as excitement and getting lost in his music.

In fact, when Ren didn't respond to Yusuke's texts, he was sure it was simply distraction keeping Ren away. When Ren left, he would realize it was past closing time, and he would come home instead.

When Yusuke got back to Leblanc, he was equal parts surprised and unsurprised to see Ann at the counter drinking coffee. Ann had been helping them prepare for their move every step of the way. She'd gotten boxes for them when they were both too busy working, and even started scouting Tokyo for a decently-priced furniture store. Yusuke got the feeling, given the way she waved eagerly at him when he walked through the door, that she was going to invite herself to help them start packing. Neither of them would have turned the help down even if they wanted to. Ren had a lot packed into the corners of the attic, things he'd collected over the nine years he'd lived here.

A lot of the time, his boyfriend dismissed things as disposable, but Yusuke knew he was just trying to make things easier. Or, maybe that he was trying to let go of old memories. Luckily, Ann would definitely help Yusuke convince Ren to keep more of his things. She was as sentimental as Yusuke and Ren were.

"Good evening, Ann," Yusuke greeted his friend, and then turned to Sojiro. "Good evening, Sojiro. Have either of you heard from Ren recently?"

Ann shook her head. "No, I was actually gonna ask you the same thing," she answered as she pushed her hair behind her ear. "Sojiro said when he left, he said he wouldn't be gone for more than a couple hours. I've been waiting here since five and it's—"

"Almost nine," Sojiro answered as Ann dug in her handbag for her phone.

Yusuke couldn't miss the worry lining Sojiro's eyes, and Ann looked all the more concerned now that Sojiro had confirmed the time as well. Yusuke's mouth drew down into a frown as he took his phone from his pocket and checked for any missed messages. His frown deepened when he saw he had none. Maybe it was stupid, but Yusuke _still_ allowed himself to hope that Ren had simply gotten distracted playing his music. There was a voice nagging in the back of his mind, telling him something was wrong, but he shook it away and glanced up to look at Ann and Sojiro again.

With a smile he could tell wasn't genuine, Yusuke suggested, "Perhaps he just lost track of time. Or perhaps he ended up with a larger crowd than expected."

Though neither of them looked reassured, both Ann and Sojiro nodded tersely. "Yeah," Ann answered. "I'm sure we were worried for nothing, Sojiro. I bet as soon as me and Yusuke start digging through the stuff up there, he'll come in with a _ton_ of yen. When he does, though, don't worry. I'm gonna yell at him for not texting."

Sojiro laughed humorlessly, his smile still terse as he started counting the money in the register. "Yeah, you're probably right," he told Ann.

As Ann and Yusuke excused themselves, the heavy air seemed to rise with them from the first floor of the cafe and up into the attic. As Yusuke flicked the light on and looked around, he heaved a sigh. In spite of his reassurance, he couldn't help but worry. He glanced to the stack of boxes Ann had placed in the center of the room. Some were large, some were small, and Yusuke couldn't believe that soon, they would all be full and Ren and Yusuke would be ready to move into their new apartment. Just the thought chased some of the heaviness away, and Yusuke allowed himself the smallest smile as he turned to look at Ann.

"I must admit, I'm not really sure where to begin."

Ann shrugged with a smile. "We can start by going through Ren's stuff back there and looking for embarrassing pictures of him, since he was so rude and made us wait so long," she declared, not even waiting for Yusuke's reply before gathering a box and heading for one of the shelves.

Though Yusuke wanted to laugh, the statement brought his worry back front and center. Yusuke watched as Ann filtered through a tall stack of shelves and tried to chase the worry away again, but ultimately failed. His mind taunted him with terrible thoughts. What if Ren got into a fight with one of the other buskers? He recalled Ren telling him how competitive they could be. Even worse, what if Ren happened by one of his ex-clients? Ren didn't talk much about his old clients, but Yusuke knew that some of them weren't gentle, and Ren _had_ told Yusuke that some of them were possessive of Ren's colleagues.

Or, possibly worse, what if Ren chanced by Madarame?

Ann's voice snapped Yusuke out of his thought process before it could swirl any further down. "So, I was surprised when Ren told me he was busking again! I got on his case about it for years, but he was so sure it was a waste of time," she pointed out as she wrapped a couple of trinkets in newspaper.

"Oh, yes. We went out together a week ago, and ever since, he's been practicing to take it up solo again. Tonight was his first night back to it in years," Yusuke pointed out.

Ann grinned softly. "Such a good influence on him," she chuckled.

With pink-tinted cheeks, Yusuke mused, "He saved me. I just wanted to save him, back."

The words came out without him realizing. Ann didn't know anything about Madarame, _or_ about Ren's former profession, and he hoped with all his heart she wouldn't ask, that _some_ how, she could curb her inevitable curiosity and keep herself from seeking details. As the clock ticked on, Yusuke wondered if perhaps he was overthinking things, because Ann didn't even react, other than to wrap a trophy from Ren's shelf and slip it into the box.

When she finally did respond, it was with an eager nod. "Mmm, I always felt like he was wasting his talent," she said. "No matter how many times I told him to just try a different place, or try going at a different time of day, he wouldn't listen. I don't know what you did to convince him, but I'm glad you did."

Maybe it was selfish, but Yusuke was beyond relieved for the misunderstanding. He laughed nervously and nodded, pushing some hair from his eyes and gathering a box to put some of Ren's books in. They fell into silence for a few more minutes, only interrupted when Sojiro called up to tell them goodnight. After responding, the room went quiet once more. The air was thick with worry again, and Yusuke quietly wondered where Ren was and what was taking him so long. His anxiety intensified with each tick of the clock, until Ann distracted him again.

"Sae really liked your painting, by the way. Did you know that she and Tae hung it up in their living room?" Ann asked.

"Admittedly, I had never drawn something quite like that before," Yusuke answered with a soft laugh. "Gothic art is fascinating to me, though. I may revisit it sometime."

Ann nodded eagerly. "Yeah! Makoto wants to commission you soon, by the way. Not sure what for, but she's obsessed with that painting and now she wants something to hang in our dining room," she mused with a chuckle. "So, whatever it is, you better make it good, 'cause I'll have to look at it for the rest of my life!"

Managing a laugh, Yusuke nodded. "I will do my best," he assured her.

The conversation wouldn't normally have been so tense, Yusuke was sure of it. However, it was obvious how worried they both were. Ann kept looking at the wall clock, or pausing to fish for her phone. For a split second, Yusuke felt a brief flash of hope when Ann scrolled through her phone and started typing a message. When Ann looked at him apologetically and confessed that the message was from Makoto, the hope quickly faded and a new pit of worry settled into his gut. They were nearing ten o'clock now, and Yusuke couldn't wait any longer. He turned toward Ann and shook his head.

"I apologize, Ann, but I think I need to go to Shibuya. I need to—"

Ann cut him off. "No, yeah, I'm coming with you," she answered. "This is really ridiculous and I'm really starting to worry."

Without another word, Yusuke gathered his coat from the hanger and the pair of them bounded down the stairs to the ground floor of Leblanc. Yusuke was vaguely aware of Ann's vow to "kick Ren's ass if he was just distracted," but Yusuke was too preoccupied with his own worry to really listen. Ann's rant continued until they got outside, and still until they were halfway down the street to the train station. She was channeling her worry into anger, which Yusuke understood, but he couldn't help but let his own worry continue to form into a solid ball of ice in his gut.

A ball of ice which doubled in size when Yusuke glanced down the side street toward Dr. Takemi's clinic and saw...

"Ren!" Yusuke's voice came in a soft whisper, and he took off in a half-run in the direction of his boyfriend's silhouette. The closer he got, though, the larger the ball of worry grew.

Ren's arm was in a sling, and he had a brace on the opposite elbow, where he still tried to carry his guitar case. Over the hem of his shirt, Yusuke saw a slight peek of a large bandage, and his worry almost felt like a full gauge, exploding from the top of a thermometer and spilling around him. When he'd finally closed the distance between them, Yusuke watched as Ann silently took the guitar case from his hand. Yusuke followed her cue and eased the backpack from his shoulder, before placing a hand on Ren's lower back and offering him support as they continued the walk back to Leblanc.

At first, none of them spoke. Ann looked like a million questions were bubbling beneath the surface, and Yusuke himself had more than his fair share of questions, too. What had happened? Who had done this? _Had_ someone done this?

It was Ren who finally broke the silence. "Sorry I'm late..." he mumbled.

Yusuke shook his head, wrapping his arm loosely around his boyfriend, listening carefully for any sign of pained protest. "Don't worry, I was just—"

"No, _do_ worry!" Ann snapped. "We were worried sick! Where were you? What _happened_ to you?" she asked.

Ren frowned and breathed out a steady puff of breath. "I'll tell you when we get back, okay? Not here," he murmured, glancing nervously around them. The streets were empty, so to Yusuke, Ren's hesitation was even more of a sign that something had happened. Yusuke remembered the feeling of caution when he'd walked from Madarame's house to Leblanc, and he saw the very same type of worry on Ren's face right then.

When it seemed Ann wasn't willing to take Ren's gentle plea for an answer, Yusuke nodded once and tried to train his face into patience, even though he wasn't feeling it at all. "Yes, perhaps the middle of the street is not the best place to talk about what happened."

The look on Ren's face told Yusuke that he wouldn't get the whole story until later. While they walked, Ren looked at him with furrowed brows and nervous eyes, which suggested an undertone to the events too private to be shared around Ann. Yusuke's mind jumped to one of two things: a former client, or Madarame. Admittedly, he wasn't sure which he would have preferred less.

Once the trio made their way up to the Leblanc attic, Ren apologized once again for his lateness as he slumped onto the mattress and leaned heavily against the wall. Whether it was the way Ren looked absolutely miserable or her own understanding that something beyond Ren's power had kept him away, Ann seemed far more receptive to Ren's apology this time. It seemed like they'd completely abandoned any plan to pack up the attic for now, but that was fine. They could pick it up tomorrow, or another day when Ren was in less pain. Yusuke sat on the bed beside Ren, gently tracing idle patterns on his boyfriend's hands in a feeble attempt to calm them both.

"So, are you gonna tell us what happened? 'Cause I need to know if I'm gonna tell Makoto so we can—"

Ren cut Ann off with a sharp shake of his head, which quickly turned into a pained hiss. Before either of them could encourage him to calm down, Ren spoke up again. "There's... there's no reason to tell Makoto, Ann. It was just a mugging," he answered through gritted teeth.

With incredulous eyes, Ann scoffed. "Okay, but that sounds like a _perfect_ reason to tell Makoto to me, Ren. What'd the guy look like?"

"I don't know. I didn't get a good look," Ren answered, and had Yusuke not been looking so closely, he wouldn't have seen the slight twitch in his right brow which clearly signified a lie.

Ann seemed annoyed more than anything, though. "What do you mean you didn't get a good look? They hurt you pretty bad!" she snapped.

Huffing a humorless laugh, Ren nodded. "Yeah, I know they did," he told her. "Tae says I fractured my collarbone and pulled a muscle in my elbow."

Yusuke could tell what he was trying to do. Ren was trying to turn the conversation away from his attacker, whoever they had been, which only served as more evidence toward the fact that he was lying. Yusuke frowned, but stayed silent and continued tracing idle patterns on Ren's hand and down to each of his fingertips. Yusuke watched as his hand traced each finger, and Ren's hand twitched slightly when Yusuke touched each knuckle. Ren's fingers were slightly swollen, like he'd hit them against something or punched someone, and it set his mind reeling even further. In the very corner of his mind, he swore vengeance on whoever had dared to harm Ren.

"Well, did they take anything?" Ann asked, snapping Yusuke from his train of thought.

Ren shook his head. "They tried, but I punched 'em. Then I yelled for help and they all ran before the security guard could get there," he told her.

It seemed like Ann still wasn't satisfied. "Well, I still think you should let me tell Makoto. If there's a new group of people mugging people, she'll want to set out more guards at the train station, so it doesn't happen to anyone else—"

With a resigned sigh, Ren nodded. "Alright, okay!" he conceded. "You can tell her I was mugged. Just... don't make a huge deal out of it. I'm fine. I'm hurt, but I'm fine. They didn't steal anything, and I'll heal, so I just... I don't even know what they look like, 'cause they were dressed all in black and had black ski masks on. So there's nothing else I can really _do_ , you know? So, don't waste her time."

Ann frowned. "Makoto won't think it's a waste of time," she insisted.

Guilt spread across Ren's face and he heaved a slow sigh. "I know. I know she won't. I just... don't want her worrying about it when there's nothing we can really do, anyway."

Yusuke finally spoke up, breaking the stalemate and glancing at Ann. "Perhaps you can simply tell Makoto to have her colleagues be on the lookout for a dangerous group?" he suggested.

Ren nodded. "I wish I had more info, but I'm really just... glad I got out in one piece," he admitted dismally, his eyes glancing away from both Ann and Yusuke.

The silence filling the room was heavy again and Yusuke frowned. Whatever had happened, if he really wanted to get the whole story, he would have to wait until he and Ren were alone. That said, he really didn't want to rush Ann out and make her all the more suspicious. He turned to glance at Ann, then back at Ren, who was just turning his head back to look at them again.

"Alright, but when I tell Makoto, you know she's gonna want more info, Ren. Like, she'll probably call you tomorrow morning, or even _tonight_ ," Ann pointed out.

Ren sighed softly. "I'm fine. Can you just... tell her to come by tomorrow if she's still worried or something? I really just want to—"

Heaving an annoyed sigh, Ann nodded. "Yeah. I can't promise she'll listen, though. Especially not when I tell her how bad you're hurt," she answered.

Silence fell over the room and Yusuke watched Ren's expression with great concern. He was a mix between pained and sad and angry, and it made all of Yusuke's questions spring right to the forefront of his mind. Fortunately, it seemed like Ann understood. She heaved another sigh and stood up, glancing around the room at the boxes before turning to look back at Ren and Yusuke.

"I'll be back tomorrow. Don't be surprised if Makoto comes with me, okay? You know how she is, and when she _gets_ that way, you know there's nothing I can do to stop her. Besides, we're gonna need the extra hands to pack since Ren won't be able to do much."

For a split second, it looked like Ren was going to protest, but Yusuke cut him off with a nod and attempted to give her a grateful smile. "Thank you, Ann. For coming tonight and for coming back tomorrow," he said.

None of the irritation had faded from Ann's expression as she stood. She cast Ren one last glance, then insisted in a frustrated tone, "If you remember anything about them that might help Makoto figure out who they are, you'd _better_ call us and tell us, Ren. I don't care how late it is or how stubborn you're being. You have to."

Once again, guilt spread across Ren's face. The flash was so fast that Yusuke would have missed it, were he not watching his boyfriend's gaze so intently. Instead of breaking and telling Ann and Yusuke what had really happened, though, Ren nodded. "I will," he told Ann.

After a brief, irritated goodbye, Ann departed from the attic, leaving Ren and Yusuke alone again. Yusuke turned to look at Ren, who had his head leaned against the wall, with his eyes open and glancing toward the ceiling. Truth be told, Yusuke wasn't sure what he had expected. Maybe he'd expected Ren to burst at the seams and share the whole truth the moment Ann left the room, but now, as silence draped over them like a heavy blanket, Yusuke realized how unrealistic the thought was. He eyed Ren's swollen fingers, and then turned to look at the small visible bit of bandage.

All of Yusuke's worst fears sprang to his mind once again, and he swallowed nervously, before finally breaking the silence. "Did Madarame have something to do with this, Ren?"

Ren tilted his head down, and his face twisted into a pained wince. When the wince faded, his expression fell even further, and even before he answered aloud, Yusuke knew what he was going to say. "Yeah," he answered, his voice so soft and nervous, it barely sounded like Ren at all.

It was Yusuke's turn to feel guilty. All at once, a wave of guilt crashed against a wind of anger, and Yusuke was torn between wanting to hold Ren until his pain went away and wanting to call Ann and Makoto, confess everything, and ensure Madarame paid for what he'd done. "I'm—"

Before Yusuke could apologize, Ren cut him off, lifting his swollen fingers and pressing the index against Yusuke's lips. "Don't," he muttered softly. "It isn't your fault, Yusuke."

"But, I—"

After a shake of his head and another pained wince, Ren huffed a laugh. "He paid some guy to rough me up, and told me to tell you to go back. To go home..." he trailed off, his expression contorting from pain to something else.

The expression was something Yusuke had seen before. His eyes were sad, but he was trying to play it off like he _wasn't_ sad, like he wasn't worried about what Yusuke was going to say. It was the same look Ren had when shared his backstory, and again when Ren had confessed his love. Those two situations, when Ren was uncertain, made Yusuke realize exactly what he was feeling. He was afraid Yusuke would leave. Maybe there was a tiny piece of Yusuke telling him to leave for Ren's protection. A tiny, insignificant piece of Yusuke was telling him Ren would never be safe as long as Yusuke was there and Madarame wanted him to come back.

That small piece was easily drowned out by the fact that he never wanted to be without Ren again. If Madarame was going to try and manipulate him _through_ Ren, he was in for a hell of a fight, because Yusuke would protect Ren _himself_ if he had to. There was no way in hell Yusuke would ever leave Ren's side.

Before Yusuke had a chance to tell Ren as much, Ren, through what must have been excruciating pain, leaned forward and wrapped his free arm around Yusuke's shoulder. He buried his face in Yusuke's shoulder, and Yusuke loosely wrapped his arms around Ren in return. "Don't leave, Yusuke. Please promise me you won't..." he begged against Yusuke's shoulder. "I don't want... I can't go back to..."

Much to Yusuke's surprise, he could feel moisture against his shoulder. That was all it took. Any small piece of him with any temptation to go back to Madarame's captivity completely disappeared. How could he have ever _entertained_ the idea of leaving Ren's side? Gently, calmly, Yusuke urged Ren back from the hug and lifted his hand to brush the tears from beneath Ren's eyes.

"How can I _go_ home," Yusuke finally answered, his voice an intimate whisper, "when I'm _already_ home?"

Ren kissed him, a soft and chaste plea of a kiss, and Yusuke gladly reciprocated. They broke a second later, and Yusuke brushed some of Ren's hair from his eyes. "I promise, I will never leave you, Ren. Not as long as you want me around."

Smiling gently through his tears, Ren used his swollen fingers to tuck some of Yusuke's hair behind his ear. "Forever, sound okay to you, then?" he asked gently.

In spite of the situation, Yusuke felt his heart swell. "More than okay."

They settled into the bed, with Ren resting his head on Yusuke's chest, neither of them saying a word. As Ren slowly drifted off into sleep and Yusuke tried to do the same, he swore with every fiber of his being never to let anyone hurt Ren ever again. Right before he nodded off himself, he reiterated his promise never to leave Ren as long as Ren wanted him around. If that meant forever... well, Yusuke would be more than happy to keep such a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For now, this is the last chapter I have written! I just didn't want to leave you on a cliffhanger! XD I _will_ eventually come back to it, it'll just take me a little time, so I can focus on some other projects! ♥ Thanks for understanding!
> 
> Thanks to the amazing, wonderful, [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics) for helping me with this fic and for always encouraging me through this dumb, stupid burnout. ♥

**Author's Note:**

> FIND ME!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/lizibabbles) ;; [tumblr](http://lizibabbles.tumblr.com/)


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